Back amongst the living

I’m happy to report that I have beaten the nasty bug (well….mostly) that rendered me badly ill for several days. It appears I am returning to the living for a little longer and here I go again with new stories to tell and new insights to be appreciated. At the beginning of getting sick, I stressed out about the most horrendous timing and how much stuff there was still left to do. I nearly caused myself a panic attack and as I look back I say “aren’t most of these panic attacks self induced?” We always tend to paint a much uglier picture than reality truly is, but then again, it wouldn’t be us if we didn’t. Heaven knows that we try hard to be in control and prepared whatever life throws our way.

Once the panic subsided a bit, I quickly really that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Now matter how much I stressed, things would be the same whether I approached nerve wrecked or from a calmer point of view. It was then that I entered a more restful phase. I allowed my body to heal and slept nearly three days and three nights. Not continuously, but mostly. I got up long enough to go to the bathroom and drink some chicken broth and elderberry syrup, ate some fruit that my cousin dropped in front of my door via care packet twice…what an angel…but that was pretty much it. I surrendered and I gave up worrying. Probably one of the best things I could do. I took the time to get better and slowly I did, although it still lingers and I still have to be careful over a week later.

As I was left there with my thoughts about all my outstanding chores, I was trying to understand why this was happening. What was my message in this, was it truly the fault of the new RA meds that compromised my immune system, was I working too hard, running myself into the ground with unrealistic expectations? After all I came here with the understanding that “I” had to look at EVERYTHING. Every corner, every angle, and why? I soon realized that it was to find closure in this chapter. Had Mom hidden something for me? Was there a written note, something she could never verbalize to my face? Others believed that there is, or was a treasure in the house. Further pushing me to find something I never even knew existed. I put myself in a position as if I was dependent on finding these things to attain closure. Inadvertently I put more pressure and stress onto myself and it was finally now, being and all, that I could acknowledge and validate it for what it was. The panic turned into a calm heart and all of a sudden I felt content. There was so much I had accomplished already. So much I had felt already. So much I knew with certainty in my heart now. And then came the most beautiful message of all….

It became apparent that long ago I had already received the treasure. It can come in the form of a decision, an understanding, a coming to terms and being able to live with it, an inner peace, a calming sensation, a knowing, a feeling what was once unclear, stuff like that. I didn’t need to see things written out on paper anymore that my heart now knew. I felt that the illness was warranted to give me time to re-evaluate. To not get so hung up on the process and reprioritize what truly matters, and how I want to spent my remaining time here. It’s been work nearly 99% of the time while so many other important things need my attention to repair some of my own heartstrings and bring meaning to others. Perhaps it was also to stop the madness and only take as little as possible because let me tell you, it is not cheap by any means to ship to the US. You better have a strong attachment to the things you want to bring. So I am reevaluating and while I’m doing so, it appears that all of a sudden I might actually be ahead of the game vs losing time to sickness and panicking from being behind. Living a tiny life has also prepared me for my now and i won’t add clutter to my life anymore. I like it simply, with less responsibilities and that in itself is a treasure to behold. Life sure has a funny way yo teach us things, although my funnies have seldom be funnies. They are always extreme, I can’t be stopped any other way and it always has to be something serious to halt me. Well, I am halted, I am listening, I am acknowledging, and I am making the chances necessary.

Wounded Healer

Sculpture: The wounded healer by Marija Gauci

She’s no stranger to loneliness..

No stranger to grief

No stranger to loss

No stranger to hurt

No stranger to shame

And it is because she is no stranger to suffering

That she can be the healing touch to all that come to her in pain.

If you ask her “Do you have any regrets?” “If you could change your past would you?”

She would answer…”I lived through some hard times, but I wouldn’t change one moment of it…

I was broken in order to open…

The compassion that now flows through my heart is the grace of the Divine Mother..

Nothing that I have experienced has been in vain.”

~Carline de Lisser

Eat the rainbow

It’s pretty magical whenever a rainbow shows up in the sky and for many it’s considered a lucky sign as we imagine a pot of gold at the end of it and little leprechauns with cloves, dressed in green come to mind. I also heard of the wonderful tale that a rainbow consist of all the happy tears that people cried during moments of happiness. So perhaps you smile just a little more remembering this the next time you see one. But have you heard the phrase “Eat the rainbow?” It’s long known that fruits and vegetables are good for our overall health, but it’s also said that every color of the rainbow supports our health and organs in a different way, so take look at this list and see where you need some help. Let’s start with red and if you some help here, focus on eating red fruits and veggies, and so on.

Red – lycopene – supportive of the heart, blood, skin & nerve health .

Orange – carotenoids – supportive of hair, skin, & eye health.

Yellow – bioflavonoids- supportive of heart, vision, joints, tissues, digestion & immune system.

Green – chlorophyll – supportive of digestion, vision, bones & immune system.

Purple – anthocyanin – supportive of heart, blood, improves memory & nerve health.

Clearing ancestral trauma

Art by Julie Dillon

My trip to Germany is an important trip on many levels. I know that important work is waiting for me and it is here where the effects of Karma and Ancestral Trauma will end. I have done much of the work already, but I know it’s not quite over yet and there are still a few things I will have to let go off. It was during a shamanic journey that I learned and was told that I have always been the one, that the family suffering was always meant to end with me. I am in Germany not only to sell my Mother’s house, to clear it off stuff and belongings that span over three generations, but I am also here for healing and closure for myself.

Ancestral Trauma is never derived from our own doing and does not spring from the events in our own lives, and yet we carry that burden with us and pass it along to the next generation and the next generation, until we heal it. I don’t have any children, no generation to pass it onto, but I deserve the healing for myself, as I have carried the wounds of my ancestors for all of my life. And they have been some big ones, some powerful experiences. This trauma has never belonged to me, yet it has shaped me of how I show up in the world today. It has left me misunderstood, a loner to some degree, an empath and someone that is just a bit different.

I have prepared for this moment and for what’s to come. When we heal it, we end the cycle of trauma transmission, liberating not only ourselves, but the future generations. And even if I don’t’ have a generation after me to liberate, I choose to liberate myself and those I come in contact with in this life. I believe that when we carry pain and stress within, we tend – or run the risk to pass on this negative behavior. In other words I am saying that the pain needs an outlet and people in pain hurt other people, even if unintentionally. I, for myself do not want to belong to this tribe of people, so I am doing the work to set myself free and care for others at the same time.

Working through the feelings

As I said before, the nights are the worst. When the body comes to rest from a day’s worth of work and the mind gets a chance to catch up. Sometimes the sadness creeps in because reminders surface and the memories of a time long gone haunts me. A time with certain parts to it that I miss, that I want back, parts I haven’t accepted that they are gone, to never return. These parts still hurt and somehow I feel they will continue to hurt for the rest of my life. Some parts can’t be healed no matter how hard we try.

Mom kept everything and today I threw away my Konfirmation cards that date back to 1979. I also looked through every condolence card for my Dad’s accidental death, dating back to 1974. I threw most of those as well. While I continue to give away freely most processions, knowing that they perhaps can bring joy to someone else, I can’t help but wonder about what Mom would think. I think she would have a hard time with my way of doing things. Would she approve of my way of handling things. If she can look inside my heart, I know she will. She build an empire, for herself and for me. She couldn’t take it with her to her deathbed and neither will I. I am giving it away and it will no longer be in our immediate family. I can’t help but wonder if she would deem my actions as me being ungrateful and unappreciative. If she’d think I am stupid and that I am not recognizing all it’s worth. It’s just material, although material brings bliss to many.

Mom was a material person I think. She came from a life of nothing. I am not one that clings to material worth anymore, or at least if I am, then to a minimal extent. I have learned to let go of the weight and the burden, but Mom came from from fleeing a war with just the clothing on her back. Although I have worked for everything in my life and I could say that nothing was given to me either, I also can see the difference between her and me. When I think about it, I’d say that I was given more than she ever had. I had a home, food on the table, clothing that was provided to me while I grew up and so on. Basically I never had to fend for myself although we both had to grow up into a serious role of life way too soon, and in a way I did fend for myself many times over with different circumstances. For a long time I was like Mom. I gathered and acquired things. It’s what I learned from her. Unlike her I worked for everything and earned a living. Like her I saved my money until I could afford to but what I wanted. Mom lived off of her monthly settlement due to the accidental death of my father, and in later years her own retirement. It was free money she didn’t have to move a finger for unlike me who endured hard physical labor. But even her money wasn’t free and it was money based on a tragedy, pain money due a death and a loss she shouldn’t have experienced.

I’m sure she had to watch her income as well and it wasn’t that she all of a sudden was rich, but she managed, and she built an empire with enough materials to live comfortably. I wonder how she would feel seeing all her possessions gone! Would she it as all for nothing? I hope not, because it served it’s purpose which was mainly hers. I still fear not doing right by her and even now with her gone for nearly 3 years, I still find myself wanting to be the good daughter that makes Mommy proud. Some days I feel like I am failing in this chapter and that she is looking down on me in disbelief. Anger that I am selling her house, that I am giving away everything she saved for and that things are completely different than she could have ever imagined them to be. Sometimes I still think she wouldn’t understand that I am chasing my own dreams. Perhaps she never got to chase hers and all she ever wanted was me taken care off. She sacrificed her life, protecting me, gathering for me to live a better life than she had lived. A life I am giving away day after day. Some days I find myself begging her for understanding, for not being mad at me, to not turn her back and giving me the cold shoulder. I realize that there is healing that needs to be done, because it happened too many times in real life and the pain is still here, unhealed and still present.

Non-stop Action

It’s been over a week since I started this next chapter. Ever since travel day, I have worked nonstop and it’s slowly showing. I am getting tired and I am not sleeping good or long enough to feel rested for each new day. My mind tells me to pace myself a bit and yet it also slightly freaks at all that is still ahead and needs attention. No doubt have I grown stronger and the meds are carrying me through. Sometimes at lower doses and other times with a little extra help. Overall I feel accomplished of what happened and got done so far. All challenges, tasks, extra requirements and even the unexpected has been dealt with and has been tackled to the best of anyone’s ability.

I had a few scares in the house, such as no running water and electricity tripping the breakers, so basically I am without water and electricity. It’s definitely a challenge, but it is what it is. So far, when not sleeping at my uncles house, I have stayed here, walked myself through the darkness and cuddled under heavy blankets, three times so far. I have not found a comfortable medium yet and it’s either too cold here, or too hot at my uncles. Plus I spotted and luckily killed the first mosquito today. I’m not ready to be bitten to pieces, as they love my rare blood.

12 large lawn-bags full of various clothing have been donated to the Red Cross, and there is no end in sight just yet. Numerous other things, mostly still packaged and brand new have been given away to family to breathe new life into the memory of a person who is no longer amongst us. I had a few moments when running across familiar things or when the memories catch up, but I have managed it easier (mostly) then I anticipated. It almost feels like I am anxious to lighten my burden with every load, with every step, with each and every action. It’s bittersweet and some days I cry at night, but there is no way around it and I am holding up, non stop, each and every day so far.

In a land far, far…away

If you are new to this site, I welcome you to my blog and my little corner, here on social media. I am grateful you have stopped by, perhaps you have left a comment, or even began to follow me. Blessed be….and I hope we support each other, and find great comfort in our words.

I am currently away as you are reading this, and I have returned to my birth country Germany to do some of the most important work I will ever do. It’s the deep work of my life and I will emerge a changed person once it is all done. While many posts are pre scheduled, (all the way through April 18th…can you believe it?), it will be this one that is pinned to the top of my blog to explain why I won’t be able to be as active, comment back, and interact with you. My time is limited to get my work done, and wifi might not always be abundant. Personal relationships and time with loved ones will take priority, but I still hope to keep you updated. I will be gone until the beginning of June and promise to catch up, read you and your insights, whenever I can.

I thank you for your continued trust and loyalty. Your friendship and support means the world to me as you guide me through the next months. I wish you all the best, while sending nothing but love and light. Stay safe and take good care of yourself.

Namaste…

Fasting, Weight Loss, and Autophagy

I am doing further research on the subject of repairing the body on a cellular level and the how fasting can play a huge role in it. Today I will see my doctor again as a follow up to a prior visit and most likely any help that can, or will be extended, will be in the form of harsh pharmaceuticals only. Not my gig, but I with little choices and running out of time, I will have to do what needs to be done. The last straw for me now is the subject of fasting and what happens to the body. I will quote an article by Christian Coulson from 2020.

Fasting is not only for weight loss but also autophagy, something I never even heard of before and here is a closer look to what happens to us during the fast.

The Fed State (0-6 hours) After having your last meal, blood glucose levels rise. The increase will promote insulin secretion and stimulate protein synthesis as a signal to move glucose into the cell to be used as energy. The excess glucose will then be stored in the liver in the form of glycogen. The liver will store glycogen to reduce blood glucose and have energy during times of low food availability. The liver, however, can only store around 100g of glycogen and the excess is stored as fat.

The postabsorptive stage (6-24 hours) after 6 hours, blood glucose levels start to decrease, this leads to a decrease in insulin and an increase in glucagon, furthermore, the liver breaks down glycogen into glucose to be used as energy. When there is no intake of glucose, glucagon will serve to move glycogen stores as well as to prevent fatty acid synthesis.

Gluconeogenic stage (1-2 days) After 24 hours, you’ve used most of your glycogen stores. Consequently, your body starts transitioning from using glucose to using fat for energy. However, due to fats being difficult to access and be delivered where needed, this transition can take some time. Meanwhile, your body breaks down amino acids into glucose for energy in a process called gluconeogenesis.

Ketonic stage (2-3 days) One of the stages of fasting is the ketonic stage. At this point, your body starts entering ketosis. The decrease in insulin serves as a signal of low energy availability and promotes the break down of fats for energy. Fats are broken down into three fatty acids and glycerol. Fatty acids will be used as energy by most tissues. Glycerol, on the other hand, will be used to produce glucose, since some other tissues, such as the brain and red blood cells still need it.

Protein conservation (4+ days) After day four, your body relies mostly on fatty acids and ketones for energy. It also releases Hugh amounts of human growth hormone to maintain tissues and muscle mass.

Depending on how big your last meal was, you can expect to start burning fat after fasting for 6-24 hours. For most people, it ends up being around 12 hours. When you enter a fasted state, your body can burn the stored fat that it couldn’t access during the fed state. Here is a more in depth look

4-8 hours. Blood sugar and insulin levels drop.

12 hours. Food eaten has most likely been burned, digestive system starts resting, body begins the healing process, human growth hormone (HGH) increases, and glucagon is released to balance blood sugar.

14 hours. HGH keeps increasing and body begins to burn fat as energy.

16 hours. Fat burning increases.

18 hours. HGH increases even more.

18-20 hours. Autophagy starts to kick in and ketones are released.

36 hours. Autophagy increases by 300%.

48 hours. Cellular regeneration starts, and inflammation starts going down. Autophagy increases 30% more.

72 hours. Autophagy peaks.

Autophagy stands for cellular regeneration. During fasting, since you are not eating, your body is not getting enough nutrients. The lack of nutrients will force your body to break down old proteins and cells to get energy. Basically, autophagy forces your body to clean out the old, unwanted, and unneeded cells, as well as recycling and fixing damaged parts. During the period of refeeding, your body then starts creating new cells. Many people use fasting and autophagy to prevent cancer by destroying old cells.

All in all it sounds like a great opportunity to explore for me. Not only for getting a few extra pounds off and weight loss, but mainly to follow my theory on the subject to “Fix the cell to be well.” I think it is worth a try and I will definitely give it the green light.

Moringa benefits

Have you heard of Moringa before? Here are 20 powerful reasons to add Moringa to your diet, I have done so in the form of a tea which is simple and easy to do. Especially now since I have booted the coffee, well mostly, and switched to a healthier alternative for me. Take a look and see if you too can benefit from Moringa.

Loaded with antioxidants

Rich in alkalinity

Detoxifies the body

Boosts the immune system

Reduces risks of disease

Normalizes blood sugar

Helps lower cholesterol

Relieves inflammation

Soothes the nervous system

Promotes good eye health

Improves mental focus

Helps relief depression

Stimulates hair growth

Helps reduces wrinkles

Rejuvenates the skin

Slows the aging process

Boosts stamina

Increases energy

Decreases water retention

Aids in weight loss

Helps improve sex drive

*wow, truly something for everyone when it comes to this impressive list of benefits

Self realization for better health

Just a few days ago I was very poorly with my swollen, deformed looking wrist and excruciating pain. I called my guardian angels, my spirit guides and animals, anybody that wanted to step forward and help, and I called Mom and Dad to help me ease the pain. A huge thank you goes out to all of you who have read and commented with kind words and suggestions on my recent post and my struggles with the RA. You who have sent prayers and love on my behalf. There is definitely power in prayers. Nearly two days later after the extreme pain of the “constant” I was getting back to a more dull feeling constant, a more manageable one. The one I’m used to. I can function again, although still in pain, and don’t have to worry about the simplest of basics. What a relief.

In hindsight it could have been the heavy grocery bags that triggered it. It could have been Cinnamon pulling too much on the leash, she is still a puppy and so excited to go for walks. Plus in the snow, her element, she is so strong and doesn’t tire as quickly as in the heat. She will hit the two year mark in June and hopefully mellow out a bit. It could have been a lot of things and while some things can be implemented, it was important for me to dig deeper. I am in the early stages of an elimination diet, eliminating foods that are triggers. All of last week I ditched the coffee and drank tea. On Sunday, one day a week was the thought process, I treated myself to a cup of Joe, but also had some chocolate and my sour yet sugar loaded Gummies. And this is when it happened. It could have been that and I am back on my tea regimen and might introduce another cup without the chocolate and sugars next weekend to pinpoint which one is the culprit.

I will start a leaky gut cleansing diet and follow it as closely as it is possible at this time. I am depleting old grocery staples and have already started to by healthier ones. It won’t be a 100% for awhile but I hope to see an impact. I am still not drinking enough water which helps flush out uric acid. Too much acid contributes to gout, another arthritis inflammation in the body that once you have it, you’ll have it for the rest of your life, but it is very treatable. Although I have not been formerly diagnosed by a physician, I feel this could be a problem and I am listening to my gut, looking into natural ways of treatment.

The mountain of getting there, of achieving better health seems daunting and too high to climb, but I am starting somewhere. I feel like I have started many times before, and somehow I have always fallen off of the wagon, soon or later, resorting back to my old, familiar ways. It’s expensive and often inconvenient to live healthy, but I feel that I have learned much since and that I am armed with the knowledge and resources to see it through this time. I have to be strict and take it 1000% seriously. I can’t think that the tiniest piece of chocolate is ok if it is the very thing that triggers flare ups. So if I want to adapt to one New Years resolution, then it should be called “ME.” This is my year and all the changes and preparations have led up to this point. This is the time for things to finally come to fruition.