Posted in Feelings, Healing, Quotes

From the heart – always

“Never wish them pain. That’s not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That’s what they need. ~Najwa Zebian

We all have been there. We all have been hurt by others, whether from a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend or loved one, we all have experienced what it feels like to have our feelings crushed. In that moment it seldom matters whether it was intentional or a mere misunderstanding, or something that just didn’t come out right. I’ve never been much like the eye for an eye person, or the one that has to retaliate. Of course I have been hurt and of course I have been angry when I found myself caught in the middle of whatever injustice came my way. I think it’s human for us to feel this way, but I have been practicing the above quote for a few years now. Am I perfect at it? No, of course not and there is always room to fine tune and expand further in our practices. However, it has taught me an increased compassion for others. An understanding that when someone acts from a place of hurt, it is usually because hurt is what is holding them in a tight grip. Often it’s a defense mechanism, sometimes an empowerment to make themselves feel better or superior, to justify that they matter and are important. Being able to recognize and practice this is rarely understood by others who might think something is wrong with you, but does it truly matter who understands and who doesn’t? Could you wish somebody well and healing who has just hurt you? You might be surprised if you consider it, for it will set you free. Maybe some things don’t deserve to be forgiven, but you will always be deserving of your own peace of mind and freedom. It’s always different when we act from our heart space rather than our mind space.

Posted in Feelings, Life, Trauma

Triggers

Triggers…we all have them. Have you noticed them, can you identify them? Do you know what triggers you? Triggers include a wide variety of scenarios, some self inflicted and caused by the way we react to things, others caused by people, circumstances and life itself. I have learned that either case, it dates back to a situation, to something we experienced, something or someone that caused us pain. These wounds often date back to our childhood, teenagers or young adults. If not acknowledged, dealt with and healed, it becomes unresolved trauma and pain we carry within, often for many years, sometimes throughout our life. We don’t really realize it until we are faced with a situation or a scenario that repeats and touches on this old wound.

These triggers and wounds leave us feeling vulnerable, attacked, criticized, belittled, weak, even angry, sad, and hurt. I’m sure there are many more we could add to this list and it depends on the severity of the situation and how we felt as we acquired the trauma so many years ago. It sure isn’t fun. We might get quiet, close up, try to reinforce that wall of protection that we placed around the trauma deep inside of us. We hoped to tuck it away so far, so deep inside, into the darkest corner, never to see it again, but here it is, emerging anew, reminding us of the pain we’ve felt so long ago when we first acquired the wound. No matter how much care we placed in hiding it, soon or later something will happen and we become triggered. The pattern repeats, leaving us vulnerable, and not in charge or control of when the next occurrence arrives. Unless we do the work to heal those wounds.

Every trigger is an opportunity to do so. To dig deep and go back to the root of when and how the wound got created. It provides the opportunity to develop emotional intelligence and to set boundaries. Rather than fearing this dynamic energetic interaction, consider it an opportunity to practice and grow more proficient. You are much more capable than you think and all it takes is that first all deciding step.

Posted in Feelings, Inspiration

Do you belong?

Some woman arrange flowers, I arrange feathers haha. My point is that we are all different, bringing different qualities to life, and still, do we feel like we belong?

“It doesn’t interest me if there is one God or many gods. I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned. If you know despair or can see it in others. I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you. If you can look back with firm eyes saying this is where I stand. I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living, falling toward the center of your longing. I want to know if you’re willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat.”

-David Whyte

Posted in Feelings, Trauma

Your trauma is valid

I’ve said it before and I say it again. Have you ever noticed how trauma and adversity is one of our biggest teachers. But how do we deal with it in the moment? When it stings and feels like our face gets a good sandpaper makeover? When our hearts are heavy and the skies are grey, when everything looks hopeless? Do we compare ourselves to others, only raising the bar and pressures for ourselves, only making things tougher? Do we feel unlucky and that life is simply out to get us? Do we encounter emotions of being left behind, lonely and confused, trying to make sense out of something that often can’t be explained and perhaps never will be? Do we blame ourselves, are we too hard on ourselves, to the point that we think something is wrong with ourselves?

Just recently I read a little something by Daniell Koepke called “Your trauma is valid.” It served as a reminder that our trauma is valid even if other people have experienced “worse.” It’s not a matter of who is off worse, of who is to judge, of who is to make that determination anyways. Every instance is different, and it’s becoming highly personal when it happens not to the next person but to us. It’s one thing to hear about it happening to someone, and it’s quite another when it knocks on our own door. It intensifies tenfolds, giving it a whole new experience.

Even if someone else went through the same experience that we did, and is not left feeling debilitated. Perhaps it appears that they have passed this challenge with flying colors. Perhaps the whole incident could have been avoided…a dear hindsight and the “what if” syndrome. Maybe it’s an incident long passed and we carry the scars of it that still beg to be healed. Perhaps we kept this secret to ourselves and nobody even knows the battles we fight most of the time, just trying to make it through each day.

You should remember that your trauma is real and valid, and you deserve a space to talk about it. It isn’t desperate or pathetic or attention seeking. It’s self care. It’s inconceivably brave. And regardless of the magnitude of your struggle, you’re allowed to take care of yourself by processing and unloading some of the pain you carry. Your pain matters. Your experience matters. Your trauma is valid, and your healing matters. Nothing and no one can take that away.

Posted in Feelings, Healing, Life

Washing over me

As emotions and changes are washing over me, I fail to find the words, nor the time to write a proper post. So just a beautiful picture for today had to do. It’s from a place I got to photograph and visit a few years back.

Over the last couple of month I have been yearning for the ocean, to just sit and be at peace for awhile. Water has always a calming and serene effect on me. I am missing the annual trip to the ocean, and this years focus is all about executing elsewhere, for a hopeful and better life down the road. An opportunity for another trip down calmness and bliss. I am not talking in the sense of material things, but in the sense of calm, serenity, going with the flow and being still, being at peace, and finally coming home within my heart and within my soul, wherever this place might be.

Posted in Emotional Pain, Feelings, My story, Pain

In need of a good cry

Germany May 2018. Mom was on the mend and recovering from being really sick and what nobody thought she would survive. I swear she was a cat and had 9 lives.

I woke up blue today and it’s just one of these days. There was no reason to pinpoint as to why I felt so vulnerable, but was this really surprising considering everything that’s been going on! I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed and face the day. It would be filled like all others lately, more of the same old, praying to find some energy and forcing beyond exhaustion to get done what needs to be done. Tempers would have to be faced and who knew who I’d meet and find in my husband today. Would it be Dr Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I didn’t feel strong and up to withstand whatever wrath was waiting for me. Whatever emotional heartstrings would be pulled in moments of unexpected kindness and whatever sadness would creep into my day somehow. I was tired of being strong, to fight through it yet another day. Peace and quiet was what I wanted, but it would have to wait. Even the weather would cause a strain with temperatures well into the mid to upper 80’s and the forecast was heating up even more. Too hot to be working and fighting exhaustion. Limbs would be swollen and what required effort already would only be multiplied in the days ahead. Did I really think that I had any reserves left in the tank or was I just wishfully hoping!

Finally I got up and the husband was struggling too. Not emotionally but physically and he was grumpy and irritated. Soon he would be yelling at someone on the phone for causing him some kind of disturbance and inconvenience. And I’d be in tears because I’m not sure what right he thinks he has to talk to people this way. Because I’d be reminded exactly why we are here at this very point and why we are going separate ways. He was still not getting it and karma was finding him over and over, but tell him that what he sends out into the universe is coming righty back to him, and he’d say that he doesn’t need a lecture. No lecture was intended, perhaps just a plea for him to consider.

A picture arrived via WhatsApp from my dear cousin in Germany. A picture of Mom and Dad’s grave, freshly planted for summer, beautiful and the love and care was obvious that went into the design and the final outcome. All of a sudden it made sense why I felt so vulnerable. It wasn’t just because of the strain of the last few months, parting with some important things, downsizing, letting go, the heartache, the emotional and physical burden, the stress and strain of dissolving a marriage and life of nearly 30 years, it was also the responsibility in Germany that still awaits, bringing honor to Mom’s legacy, the house, the grave and so much more that contributed to this morning. I feel I channeled the energy and the picture was confirmation and my answer as to why I felt so raw. All of a sudden it made perfect sense.

In reality I realized that this trigger was necessary. I am in need of a good cry. A really good cry, the one that let’s it all out and doesn’t hold anything back. I can’t remember the last time I had one and that itself is a problem. It’s not because there is no cause to have one but rather a lack of releasing this painful energy. Not even for that is time right now and in good old German fashion I am holding my shit together and power through the days. I need to release some pain, I need to be held, I need a shoulder to cry on and I need to let it go. All of it. And tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I get to try all over again.

Posted in Feelings, Journey, Life

Guiding me through

It was Saturday, only a few days after the house went back on the market, and the first open house was scheduled. An offer was already received from the people who toured the house at the beginning of the week and we were curious to see what the open houses would bring. It had definitely become easier to entrust the house to the realtor while vacating the premises and driving away, leaving behind your home and most personal possessions. At least temporarily, and still there was a feeling that can’t be described, a knowing that the inevitable was coming and that life as I knew it would take on drastic turns. What creatures of habit we are, how we take comfort in our routines and the knowing, the security blanket of having certain things in place such as shelter and a roof over your head. As for myself and this point, no forwarding address was in place and everything was hanging in the balance.

Wasn’t that what I wanted, what needed to happen, what couldn’t go on any longer? At least to a degree? The universe was supporting me and moving things as smoothly as possible. The house would sell for a significant profit and everything was moving along without any major hiccup. Things would be alright and we’d be taken care of…and still!!! What a weird and strange feeling, about to walk away from such a big part of your life, where everything is changing, not just one thing.

Running a few errands in town, we stayed close and took Cinnamon to a local watering hole. It was kind of stressful to be honest since she is not associated with people or other animals. We still have that feral instinct and one can only imagine what she had to endure during the first four months of her life. Here at the pond were too many distractions, not enough room to explore which means a short leash, pulling, chasing geese and ducks, people on bicycles, joggers, etc. but we made due. Basically it’s exactly the reason why I don’t take her to those crowded places and it can’t compare with a trip to Mother Nature and stillness. It wasn’t enjoyable for either party, but like I said, we made due and it was better than nothing.

A new statue that I’ve never seen before was put into place at the end of the pond. Low and behold it was a dragonfly, the symbol I associate with Mom. I learned that dragonflies are little magical beings that help our deceased loved ones ascend to heaven. After Mom’s passing a dragonfly landed on my hand which to me was a sign of her comforting me through her loss and letting me know that she was ok. And here it was, the statue of a dragonfly, especially in times like these when so much was passing, falling away and dying to make room for the new. Perhaps she was telling me that she was with me, every step of the way and that I had her support.

It was while being at the pond that the realtor called with news about the initial offer. It was a clean, “as if” deal that had come up +5K from the initial offer. Not taking any chances we electronically signed and accepted it. There, it was a done deal, the house was sold, just like that and escrow had begun, initiating a deadline and a series of mixed emotions that induced overall numbness, perhaps even shock. Later at home a new sequence happened, and I am talking about the one when you start to see things differently. When you look around, taking in everything you see at a different level because you know that soon they will become a part of history and one of the lasts.

There is much to be grateful for, and yet a tough road lies ahead. The only thing I feel relieved about is that the pain of the open houses is behind me now, although they never were all that bad either. I know that everything will take time and each day will bring new successes, new opportunities, new reminiscing, new hope, new sadness and loss, and new adventures and memories waiting to be made.

For now, I am asking for your continued support and healing vibes as I have to postpone our weekly healing until some kind of normality returns back into my life.

Blessed be, in light and love. 🙏🏼💙

Posted in Emotional Pain, Emotions, Feelings, Pain

Trapped emotions

Have you ever heard that trapped emotions manifest through pain in your body? It truly is so, and carrying unprocessed trauma and feelings within us interrupts our energy flow in the body. This is a big focus of an energy healer, performing Reiki and such with the goal to unblock the energy so it can move freely again. This is important so the blockages can’t manifest long term into chronic pain and suffering. This is also where shadow work comes into the game, inner child work and releasing ancestral trauma. You see the connection here and why this has been such a big focus of mine. It’s really not to change myself, but to come home. To give my body a chance to heal and dump the chronic disease that has held me prisoner so many times in past years. It is to come into my own, to discover and expand on the purpose of who I was always meant to be. It’s an unlearning of old outdated systems, a prioritization of what truly matters and finding peace and balance. It includes eliminating the distractions, trusting the disruption and embracing it all. In the process of it I hope to shed the tension, the trapped emotions, a chronic illness that is waiting to be healed by me vs. ingesting the harsh chemicals of our modern medicine. One thing I am particularly grateful for is that I seem to be keenly aware of what’s going on. That I can already witness the progress and that it doesn’t take years of hindsight. Perhaps in years something else will come to the forefront, but for now I can’t stress about something I’m not aware of and I see it as peaceful bliss.

Here is a list of where trapped emotions manifest and where you feel them:

  • Shoulders: carrying burdens and responsibilities
  • Neck tension: fear and repressed self expression
  • Upper back: grief, sadness, sorrow
  • Middle back: insecurity and powerlessness
  • Lower back: shame / guilt and unworthiness
  • Throat: lack of expression
  • Stomach: disempowerment, difficulty or inability to process emotion

Maybe you recognize a few within yourself. Maybe you too, have some trauma and tension that is just waiting to be released.

Posted in Emotions, Experience, Feelings

Magical Moments

  • Artwork by me and available here. I made these for Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, Christmas tree ornaments or decoration for any time of year. These beauties are wood burned, hand painted and can be personalized with your initials and special year. I call them Love-Birds and Love-Nest.
  • Creation and art is a big part of my life and if I don’t do anything crafty for awhile, it’s almost like getting withdrawals. I miss it. But whether we consider ourselves crafty in the arts or not, in fact we are always creating something. Maybe not a Picasso but for instant creating our life is a work of art all in its own. In a way, we all, always create and the masterpiece is up to us.
  • A wonderful quote popped up while I was working on these wood slices and here it is. May these magical moments always find you and be a constant companion throughout the creation of your life.
  • “Why do we close our eyes when we pray, when we cry, when we kiss, when we dream; because the most beautiful things in our life are not seen but felt only by the heart.”

    -Unknown

    Posted in Feelings, Life

    Dear Coffee

    Dear Coffee

    We sure have a love / hate relationship. Well, maybe the word hate is a little too harsh, but there a definitely days I try to stay away from you.

    You are a big temptress, luring me in with your smell that makes me smile. I love you with honey and heavy whipping cream. You’re so smooth and heaven knows that the first sip in the morning is the best one. Knowing this also makes it hard to resist you, and mornings without you leave me missing you. But you also leave me dehydrated, feeling blah after the high settles, and often with a headache. Even from just one cup. I have to admit that while I love you, I don’t care for this side effect.

    Still I fear the struggle with your addictive personality will continue, and some days I will manage to not give into you while others I will falter under your spell.

    Yours sincerely