Posted in Challenges, Dad, Feelings

The Movers and some sad moments

The movers came today and the few processions I picked to bring along are making the long journey to the States of America. it was a strange feeling to see this special selected pile that once was mostly Moms leave. So much has left the house already but this felt different. I suppose it’s because everything selected has meaning and I’m vested in those selections. I am almost a bit nervous and scared, crossing my fingers that it will make the journey sound and safe. There is so little time left until I leave, it’s packed with things of importance, things such as outings and people I saved to the end, things of my choosing and still it almost feels hectic. I recognize a pattern and I think back to the last time I saw Mom alive. It was similar and I got myself so busy that I hardly had the time to feel anything. Today I know it was to distract me from the pain of saying goodbye. Something similar is happening now and im trying to stop, to slow down, to feel it all but it is scary and sad. With Mom I always wished I wouldn’t have hurried so much. Now I have another chance and it’s going down the same way, I tend to hurry to protect my heart but I don’t want to feel the sane way later again, wising I had slowed down. Dad asked me today if I thought that we’d see each other again in this lifetime and the sadness in his voice cut me to the core. Of course I summoned all of my strengths in that moment, asking him back why he would place such a burden upon himself and torture his heart. Now in a moment alone, the tears are rolling down my face because it is a question no one knows the answer to and it’s quite possible that we won’t see each other again.

Posted in Awareness, Feelings, Journey

Expensive taste

Mom had expensive taste in everything and her clothing are no exception. Everything was always quality, often a name brand, materials of the finest alpaca or sheep wool, simply well made to last, and stand the test of time. I remember later years as she was already in the nursing home. She had trouble with the harsh detergents on her sensitive skin, and she didn’t like her clothing to return all faded and bleached. It was a one fits all kind of laundry service, the one that used those strong detergents to get stains out and somewhat sterilize and disinfect the clothing articles of the masses. Her clothing would be thrown in with the rest and didn’t revive the delicate cycle with a soap that would keep colors intact.

It was also at that time that I went shopping for a few pieces for myself. Secretly I admit now that I was looking for things that would likely gain her approval. Things that she would deem decent and liked. And so it was and after inspecting me carefully, she gave her approval by saying “You did ok and you didn’t buy any junk.” Having her approval was always so important to me. It was like gaining a little piece of acceptance from her.

I have inherited her taste for quality and the price tag therefore often follows. I wish I could wear some of her clothing and that they would fit me. Like her, I used to have entirely too many pieces to wear for just one person. It all changed once I became sick with the RA and gained weight. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the craftsmanship or to go shopping for an outfit. I’m just too critical about how it looks on me these days, so I haven’t added many new items.

In the meantime I have given away a fortune of the finest things craftsmanship has to offer. Her things. From clothing to bedding, linens, dish towels and more pajama’s one could imagine. The process has been relatively easy most of the time and I remember back when this wasn’t so. When I had a hard time parting with everything, where everything needed to remain undisturbed and untouched. Time has taken it’s course and there are still moments that need to be mine. That need to be respected and given the space to be touched by me. It’s mainly the personal things I feel this way about and with each day new feelings awake, lie dormant or come to the surface to be healed and addressed. It’s a process, at times easier than I expected initially, and on other times just as hard as I knew it would be.

Posted in Emotional Pain, Feelings, Pain, Soul

Souls who feel too much

I’ve said it before and I say it again. I have always felt too much. Always too deeply and I don’t even know when it started or how else I could be. I have analyzed it and I can’t find a concrete answer as to why it is this way. It just is. It’s like a love – hate – love affair that takes on different meanings, different turns from time to time. On one side I don’t want to change a thing because how else could I ever truly experience the depths of life. Of living vs just existing. All moments would pass with no significant meaning, one day after another, one month after another, year after year. What would be the meaning of life, of our purpose, of our journey if we didn’t feel deeply within our hearts! On the other side it is that very vulnerability, that feeling too much at times that shatters and breaks my heart into a 1000 pieces. Over and over again as if there are no lessons learned, no way to correct the course and protect the heart. It’s all or nothing, and there is no in between. It’s a pain that is felt to the core, that reaches every corner, holding it in a tight grip. A grip that chokes and sometimes squeezes the life right out of you. And that pain changes everything.

Pain is life altering and most often turns us into a different person than we were before. It’s a long bumpy ride with many obstacles and many fights and struggles that take place all within ourselves, often deeply hidden and unknown to the public. But we know, don’t we? Hopefully we can look back and say that we changed for the better, even in times when it’s hard to imagine. Pain has many faces and many names but in my journey with the physical pain and the RA, or my journey on an emotional level and chasing love all of my life, I’ve had many opportunities to throw in the towel and just give up. It is true that souls who feel more, also hurt more. Feeling too much comes with a heavy price tag and is no easy trait. It demands our hearts to break over and over with every experience while encountering the hurt, in whatever shape and form it comes to find us. Feeling too much is the ultimate test between giving up and learning to embrace the pain. I feel it every weekend, but that’s for another story and another post.

You know that I have chosen the later, the optimistic route, to embrace, but it doesn’t always make it easier. It’s just a mindset, a way of being, of not giving up and a means to proceed. It get’s tested often, sometimes to the breaking point. Leaving our hearts wide open is something many don’t dare to do and honestly I totally understand and can’t blame them. Being taken advantage off – get’s old, being hurt – get’s old, and it’s not pretty. But what we don’t realize, is that every experience makes us stronger. So strong that they say we become unbreakable. I wonder what that will feel like and I’m definitely not there yet. Would that mean that I become so strong that I become insensitive to what is happening? Will I become numb to it all and not feel at all anymore? And if so wouldn’t that defeat the entire purpose as to why we have chosen to feel it all?

Posted in Feelings, Harmony, Life

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe…

It snowed overnight and for the second time this year the world is covered in an innocent blanket of white. It’s chilly, in the 30’s and I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t too keen at first to take the pooch for a walk. But then the cloud cover parted and the sun came out. Winds calmed to a minimum and I bundled up. Scarf, Jacket and a hat with a fun Pom Pom on the top, I was ready. And yeah you guessed it, Cinnamon had been ready for hours. All we forgot were my gloves and her winter jacket, but that didn’t phase her one bit. Like a goat she jumped around through the snow banks, playing, running, just showing off her love for the powdery white stuff. And as far as for me, it was good to get out and get some movement. It’s always so tricky to keep a healthy balance between what’s too much and what is not enough. I wish I had a pool nearby, or the salt pools like the ones in Germany for low impact exercises and to just float effortlessly in the warm water. A hot bath would be nice right now and for the first time since June, I’m missing my big jetted tub from the old house. No such thing in the tiny abode and a hot shower will have to do the trick. As the sun is going down, the temps are dropping and the chill is back in the air.

I didn’t sleep all that great last night and my left knee was bothering me enough to prevent me from getting comfortable. Today it’s the hands that have the odd and unsightly swelling with fat joints again and it’s painful. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling cold right now. But then again, I woke up this morning and every day is a good day to wake up and to be alive isn’t it? And sometimes being alive is felt just a little more, just like it was today. When the air goes into our lungs just a little deeper, when we can see things with gratitude despite our challenges, and when the beauty of a winter wonderland fills us in unexpected ways. That’s the kind of day it was. A day I felt alive just a little bit more.

Posted in Feelings, Spirituality, Troubles

Knotting your troubles

My mind is wandering again, and it’s taking me on a trip to the many musings you find here on my blog. It’s true that you never quite know what to get when you enter my site. Haha, I’ll take that as a compliment and I guess that makes my unpredictable with a few surprises under my sleeve. Well I don’t even know what I get myself on a day to day basis, if I give my thoughts and the things I stumble upon free range without the need to control them. It’s really quite wonderful to go with the flow and be entertained with the possibilities of what could be, of what can happen. I guess you could call it dreaming with my eyes wide open. It’s neat to see how things take off and where your feelings and thoughts about said matter actually lead you. One such trip happened to me while I was reading a witchy tip about knotting your troubles away.

It says that you can use this one no matter what your problem is. If you choose a color for the yarn to suit your purpose, you can fine-tune the spell to your particular situation. All you need for this spell is a piece of yarn in the appropriate color, at 12 inches long. Now hold the yarn, with one end in hand and pull it taught. Think about your problem (just one per spell, please). Concentrate on your difficult situation and start tying knots in the yarn. Visualize all your troubles getting bound up in the knots and trapped there. Keep tying until you feel it’s enough. Take the knotted yarn outside and bury it to keep your problems away.

I have seen this before, in various forms, where for instance we place all of the negative energy, the thing we want to rid ourselves from into a piece of wood, eventually throwing it into the fire during a fire ceremony. Perhaps we write a word onto a piece of paper and watch it go up into smoke. We drum to the full moon to release all that no longer serves our highest good and so much more. Here we bind our troubles to keep them away. We hang Witches Bells above the entrance to our homes to not let negativity enter our kingdom. Further we might arrange salt bowls to absorb any negativity that is within the home. We smudge and we burn, light candles and Himalayan salt lamps to promote a feeling of well being. Hocus pocus to one, it is satisfying and helpful to another. As I sit here I wonder who these rituals and practices appeal to. Do they fuel the seekers, the believers, the ones that need something to hold onto so they can feel less and that they are doing something? That they are contributing to their life? Could we even associate these practices with the placebo effect?

I don’t know the answer and what is what here. What I do know is that no matter what you believe, whether you are a believer in spells, in meditating, tying a knot or burning your troubles away, I’d recommend to go with what feels right to you. I believe that an untroubled mind frame is the greatest foundation to a healthy and un-tormented self. So if that includes tying a few knots so I can feel relieved and comforted in whatever way, then you can bet to find me sitting there supporting this practice with all my might. Maybe you too feel the same and should give it a go. Sit back afterwards and absorb what happens. See how you feel, has it made a difference? I also believe that our opinion and how we feel about this is key. If it is just a bunch nonsense to us, then there is no need to even try, as we have undermined ourselves through our thoughts. Being objective and open minded will be your best foundation when attempting any ritual out of the ordinary.

Posted in Feelings, Healing, Quotes

From the heart – always

“Never wish them pain. That’s not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That’s what they need. ~Najwa Zebian

We all have been there. We all have been hurt by others, whether from a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend or loved one, we all have experienced what it feels like to have our feelings crushed. In that moment it seldom matters whether it was intentional or a mere misunderstanding, or something that just didn’t come out right. I’ve never been much like the eye for an eye person, or the one that has to retaliate. Of course I have been hurt and of course I have been angry when I found myself caught in the middle of whatever injustice came my way. I think it’s human for us to feel this way, but I have been practicing the above quote for a few years now. Am I perfect at it? No, of course not and there is always room to fine tune and expand further in our practices. However, it has taught me an increased compassion for others. An understanding that when someone acts from a place of hurt, it is usually because hurt is what is holding them in a tight grip. Often it’s a defense mechanism, sometimes an empowerment to make themselves feel better or superior, to justify that they matter and are important. Being able to recognize and practice this is rarely understood by others who might think something is wrong with you, but does it truly matter who understands and who doesn’t? Could you wish somebody well and healing who has just hurt you? You might be surprised if you consider it, for it will set you free. Maybe some things don’t deserve to be forgiven, but you will always be deserving of your own peace of mind and freedom. It’s always different when we act from our heart space rather than our mind space.

Posted in Feelings, Life, Trauma

Triggers

Triggers…we all have them. Have you noticed them, can you identify them? Do you know what triggers you? Triggers include a wide variety of scenarios, some self inflicted and caused by the way we react to things, others caused by people, circumstances and life itself. I have learned that either case, it dates back to a situation, to something we experienced, something or someone that caused us pain. These wounds often date back to our childhood, teenagers or young adults. If not acknowledged, dealt with and healed, it becomes unresolved trauma and pain we carry within, often for many years, sometimes throughout our life. We don’t really realize it until we are faced with a situation or a scenario that repeats and touches on this old wound.

These triggers and wounds leave us feeling vulnerable, attacked, criticized, belittled, weak, even angry, sad, and hurt. I’m sure there are many more we could add to this list and it depends on the severity of the situation and how we felt as we acquired the trauma so many years ago. It sure isn’t fun. We might get quiet, close up, try to reinforce that wall of protection that we placed around the trauma deep inside of us. We hoped to tuck it away so far, so deep inside, into the darkest corner, never to see it again, but here it is, emerging anew, reminding us of the pain we’ve felt so long ago when we first acquired the wound. No matter how much care we placed in hiding it, soon or later something will happen and we become triggered. The pattern repeats, leaving us vulnerable, and not in charge or control of when the next occurrence arrives. Unless we do the work to heal those wounds.

Every trigger is an opportunity to do so. To dig deep and go back to the root of when and how the wound got created. It provides the opportunity to develop emotional intelligence and to set boundaries. Rather than fearing this dynamic energetic interaction, consider it an opportunity to practice and grow more proficient. You are much more capable than you think and all it takes is that first all deciding step.

Posted in Feelings, Inspiration

Do you belong?

Some woman arrange flowers, I arrange feathers haha. My point is that we are all different, bringing different qualities to life, and still, do we feel like we belong?

“It doesn’t interest me if there is one God or many gods. I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned. If you know despair or can see it in others. I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world with its harsh need to change you. If you can look back with firm eyes saying this is where I stand. I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living, falling toward the center of your longing. I want to know if you’re willing to live, day by day, with the consequence of love and the bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat.”

-David Whyte

Posted in Feelings, Trauma

Your trauma is valid

I’ve said it before and I say it again. Have you ever noticed how trauma and adversity is one of our biggest teachers. But how do we deal with it in the moment? When it stings and feels like our face gets a good sandpaper makeover? When our hearts are heavy and the skies are grey, when everything looks hopeless? Do we compare ourselves to others, only raising the bar and pressures for ourselves, only making things tougher? Do we feel unlucky and that life is simply out to get us? Do we encounter emotions of being left behind, lonely and confused, trying to make sense out of something that often can’t be explained and perhaps never will be? Do we blame ourselves, are we too hard on ourselves, to the point that we think something is wrong with ourselves?

Just recently I read a little something by Daniell Koepke called “Your trauma is valid.” It served as a reminder that our trauma is valid even if other people have experienced “worse.” It’s not a matter of who is off worse, of who is to judge, of who is to make that determination anyways. Every instance is different, and it’s becoming highly personal when it happens not to the next person but to us. It’s one thing to hear about it happening to someone, and it’s quite another when it knocks on our own door. It intensifies tenfolds, giving it a whole new experience.

Even if someone else went through the same experience that we did, and is not left feeling debilitated. Perhaps it appears that they have passed this challenge with flying colors. Perhaps the whole incident could have been avoided…a dear hindsight and the “what if” syndrome. Maybe it’s an incident long passed and we carry the scars of it that still beg to be healed. Perhaps we kept this secret to ourselves and nobody even knows the battles we fight most of the time, just trying to make it through each day.

You should remember that your trauma is real and valid, and you deserve a space to talk about it. It isn’t desperate or pathetic or attention seeking. It’s self care. It’s inconceivably brave. And regardless of the magnitude of your struggle, you’re allowed to take care of yourself by processing and unloading some of the pain you carry. Your pain matters. Your experience matters. Your trauma is valid, and your healing matters. Nothing and no one can take that away.

Posted in Feelings, Healing, Life

Washing over me

As emotions and changes are washing over me, I fail to find the words, nor the time to write a proper post. So just a beautiful picture for today had to do. It’s from a place I got to photograph and visit a few years back.

Over the last couple of month I have been yearning for the ocean, to just sit and be at peace for awhile. Water has always a calming and serene effect on me. I am missing the annual trip to the ocean, and this years focus is all about executing elsewhere, for a hopeful and better life down the road. An opportunity for another trip down calmness and bliss. I am not talking in the sense of material things, but in the sense of calm, serenity, going with the flow and being still, being at peace, and finally coming home within my heart and within my soul, wherever this place might be.