The hot water was running over my backside, loosening my sore muscles as I stood motionless in the oversized shower that could easily accommodate two. As always, I was the only visitor and I was alone. A steamy, hot occasion due to hot water and not much else, but nevertheless covering the bathroom in a mysterious shroud, a veil of fog and dewy humidity. Standing there, head down, facing the large shower head, I closed my eyes and allowed time to stand still. I didn’t think of anything. My back was slightly arched, one leg extended straight and the other one bent at the knee, causing my hip to shift to one side. My hands, as if I was reaching to the heavens were planted just above my shoulders and found their way pressed against the tile in front of me. Fingers spread apart to grip as much heaven as possible. There I was, standing in silence with nothing more than the water splashing against my naked body, as if I was to find strength in that moment and rinse my soul anew. To take away the stresses that had entered my life while breaking me down and allowing sickness to creep it’s ugly head into my life. A few minutes went by until the water started to run cooler, calling me back to reality. It was also the moment that I allowed thoughts back into my mind and you might find this statement strange. As far as I know, most people would probably agree that their mind is always busy and that they never stop thinking about something. That the voice inside their head never subside, and that there is a presence, a disruption, a distraction which I simple refer to as the “Noise” of our lives. I envision it like the TV channel that has gone off the air, displaying a black and white screen of nothing, with a noise vibration as if you didn’t quiet tune into the station a 100%.
I’m not sure when and how, but somehow I learned to stop and escape my own noise, to find myself in calm and peaceful surroundings while stopping time and float weightlessly. Perhaps it’s a form of meditation, of way letting go, giving up any resistance, a time that is to be enjoyed, worry free by experiencing the current moment, the “Now”. A moment that knows no worries about the future and has no regrets about the passed, it’s a time of just letting it all unfold the way it’s meant to be. I felt at ease as I was reflecting back to the end of 2016 and the beginning of a New Year. The holidays had come and gone for me without much significance. I spent them away from my family, the people I loved and sadly in the end I just wanted the hectic to be over with. Working in retail finally managed to catch up with me and despite resting as much as possible during this crazy, mad, daily shoppers attack, it wore me down and I ended up getting sick the morning of Christmas Eve. In true trooper fashion, I had almost made it to the end, almost….but 2016 had other plans and wasn’t quiet finished with me yet, or so it seemed. But still….I was at peace.
I woke up Christmas Eve to a spinning room and it felt all too familiar. It wasn’t too long ago that I had experienced this once before. The spinning wasn’t as violent with the first time being far worse, but it was still enough to leave me lightheaded and nauseous for the remainder of the day. With a pressing headache and feeling off balance, I’m not sure how I managed to work the entire day, but I did. In the evening I got worse, slept through Christmas Day and was down for nearly five days before I regained enough cognitive skills to be able to function and go back to work. The initial spinning was worse during the first time but the recovery period was a lot faster than the second time with the symptoms only lasting for that day. The diagnosis at the doctors office was Vertigo, stemming from an inner ear problem such an infection or “Chrystal’s” being out of place. I never heard of such a thing (Chrystal’s in your ear) but quickly learned how miserable these symptoms can leave you feeling. I was sensitive to noise, people talking too loud and I can now imagine how people must feel that suffer frequently from migraines.
This is my first post since December 23rd and please know that you all, my wordpress family have been sorely missed. I thank you for reaching out to me, for your kind words and for missing my presence. I hope that I can return to regular postings as the headaches are getting better and I fight myself back to the characteristics of my favorite animal, the bear.
Strong, wild and free. (But most of all feeling tons better) Grrrrr…..