Souls who feel too much

I’ve said it before and I say it again. I have always felt too much. Always too deeply and I don’t even know when it started or how else I could be. I have analyzed it and I can’t find a concrete answer as to why it is this way. It just is. It’s like a love – hate – love affair that takes on different meanings, different turns from time to time. On one side I don’t want to change a thing because how else could I ever truly experience the depths of life. Of living vs just existing. All moments would pass with no significant meaning, one day after another, one month after another, year after year. What would be the meaning of life, of our purpose, of our journey if we didn’t feel deeply within our hearts! On the other side it is that very vulnerability, that feeling too much at times that shatters and breaks my heart into a 1000 pieces. Over and over again as if there are no lessons learned, no way to correct the course and protect the heart. It’s all or nothing, and there is no in between. It’s a pain that is felt to the core, that reaches every corner, holding it in a tight grip. A grip that chokes and sometimes squeezes the life right out of you. And that pain changes everything.

Pain is life altering and most often turns us into a different person than we were before. It’s a long bumpy ride with many obstacles and many fights and struggles that take place all within ourselves, often deeply hidden and unknown to the public. But we know, don’t we? Hopefully we can look back and say that we changed for the better, even in times when it’s hard to imagine. Pain has many faces and many names but in my journey with the physical pain and the RA, or my journey on an emotional level and chasing love all of my life, I’ve had many opportunities to throw in the towel and just give up. It is true that souls who feel more, also hurt more. Feeling too much comes with a heavy price tag and is no easy trait. It demands our hearts to break over and over with every experience while encountering the hurt, in whatever shape and form it comes to find us. Feeling too much is the ultimate test between giving up and learning to embrace the pain. I feel it every weekend, but that’s for another story and another post.

You know that I have chosen the later, the optimistic route, to embrace, but it doesn’t always make it easier. It’s just a mindset, a way of being, of not giving up and a means to proceed. It get’s tested often, sometimes to the breaking point. Leaving our hearts wide open is something many don’t dare to do and honestly I totally understand and can’t blame them. Being taken advantage off – get’s old, being hurt – get’s old, and it’s not pretty. But what we don’t realize, is that every experience makes us stronger. So strong that they say we become unbreakable. I wonder what that will feel like and I’m definitely not there yet. Would that mean that I become so strong that I become insensitive to what is happening? Will I become numb to it all and not feel at all anymore? And if so wouldn’t that defeat the entire purpose as to why we have chosen to feel it all?

Family in crisis

It was last weekend that my step daughter was scheduled to visit and pick up a bunch of stuff her Dad wanted her to have. Actually, it was mostly an inheritance his mother wanted her to have and some of the stuff has moved with us a few times, holding onto it until what we perceived to be the right time to give it to her. Honestly we were looking forward to it disappearing as it was in the middle of the way and we constantly had to maneuver around it.

She made it into town late Friday night and the plan was to go out for dinner Saturday and spend some time together. It would be only the second time in her daughters 8 years of life that my husband would see his granddaughter. I know he was looking forward to it with an open heart. Especially since the first time he saw her lasted only 30 minutes. Keeping in touch the best to his ability, not forgetting birthdays and holidays, seeing, speaking and observing his grandchild in person is something hard to beat.

The weather gods were not on our side for the garage sale and I convinced my husband to spend time with his daughter and grand child. He indeed sent a message, stating that plans had changed and that he was available and looking forward to their time together. Needless to say things didn’t pan out and there is a lifelong troublesome history between the two, for what remains to be an unknown reason. Both are not the easiest people and I see some of the same tendencies in both. Headstrong, stubborn, often talking at each other instead of with each other. Both want to be heard, but both often speak from a place of hurt and disappointment. It’s always reactive, cause and effect, action and reaction. Each has to get their little jabs in, each a victim who is worse off than the other one.

A squabble broke out Saturday before seeing each other. We never got to meet and a 10 hour drive, round trip was for nothing. It was a nice get away for them but it wasn’t about what it was meant to be and so dinner or time together never happened. The ordeal dragged into the next day and a message from me trying to reach her was left unanswered and acknowledged. Sunday morning she basically told him to keep his S..t and made her way back to her home, five hours away. It was unreal, but was I really surprised? This little action created extra work and a headache for us. Sadly and with no other choice we were forever to take everything to the dump. A lifetime of family heirlooms, pictures, furniture and soooo much more, all loaded up into the car and gone to the dump, to be crushed and shredded into a thousand pieces. Maybe it could have been stored again somewhere, for perhaps another time, but there was no reasoning with Dad and he was overflowing from being fed up. What a shame.

In need of a good cry

Germany May 2018. Mom was on the mend and recovering from being really sick and what nobody thought she would survive. I swear she was a cat and had 9 lives.

I woke up blue today and it’s just one of these days. There was no reason to pinpoint as to why I felt so vulnerable, but was this really surprising considering everything that’s been going on! I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed and face the day. It would be filled like all others lately, more of the same old, praying to find some energy and forcing beyond exhaustion to get done what needs to be done. Tempers would have to be faced and who knew who I’d meet and find in my husband today. Would it be Dr Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I didn’t feel strong and up to withstand whatever wrath was waiting for me. Whatever emotional heartstrings would be pulled in moments of unexpected kindness and whatever sadness would creep into my day somehow. I was tired of being strong, to fight through it yet another day. Peace and quiet was what I wanted, but it would have to wait. Even the weather would cause a strain with temperatures well into the mid to upper 80’s and the forecast was heating up even more. Too hot to be working and fighting exhaustion. Limbs would be swollen and what required effort already would only be multiplied in the days ahead. Did I really think that I had any reserves left in the tank or was I just wishfully hoping!

Finally I got up and the husband was struggling too. Not emotionally but physically and he was grumpy and irritated. Soon he would be yelling at someone on the phone for causing him some kind of disturbance and inconvenience. And I’d be in tears because I’m not sure what right he thinks he has to talk to people this way. Because I’d be reminded exactly why we are here at this very point and why we are going separate ways. He was still not getting it and karma was finding him over and over, but tell him that what he sends out into the universe is coming righty back to him, and he’d say that he doesn’t need a lecture. No lecture was intended, perhaps just a plea for him to consider.

A picture arrived via WhatsApp from my dear cousin in Germany. A picture of Mom and Dad’s grave, freshly planted for summer, beautiful and the love and care was obvious that went into the design and the final outcome. All of a sudden it made sense why I felt so vulnerable. It wasn’t just because of the strain of the last few months, parting with some important things, downsizing, letting go, the heartache, the emotional and physical burden, the stress and strain of dissolving a marriage and life of nearly 30 years, it was also the responsibility in Germany that still awaits, bringing honor to Mom’s legacy, the house, the grave and so much more that contributed to this morning. I feel I channeled the energy and the picture was confirmation and my answer as to why I felt so raw. All of a sudden it made perfect sense.

In reality I realized that this trigger was necessary. I am in need of a good cry. A really good cry, the one that let’s it all out and doesn’t hold anything back. I can’t remember the last time I had one and that itself is a problem. It’s not because there is no cause to have one but rather a lack of releasing this painful energy. Not even for that is time right now and in good old German fashion I am holding my shit together and power through the days. I need to release some pain, I need to be held, I need a shoulder to cry on and I need to let it go. All of it. And tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I get to try all over again.

Trapped emotions

Have you ever heard that trapped emotions manifest through pain in your body? It truly is so, and carrying unprocessed trauma and feelings within us interrupts our energy flow in the body. This is a big focus of an energy healer, performing Reiki and such with the goal to unblock the energy so it can move freely again. This is important so the blockages can’t manifest long term into chronic pain and suffering. This is also where shadow work comes into the game, inner child work and releasing ancestral trauma. You see the connection here and why this has been such a big focus of mine. It’s really not to change myself, but to come home. To give my body a chance to heal and dump the chronic disease that has held me prisoner so many times in past years. It is to come into my own, to discover and expand on the purpose of who I was always meant to be. It’s an unlearning of old outdated systems, a prioritization of what truly matters and finding peace and balance. It includes eliminating the distractions, trusting the disruption and embracing it all. In the process of it I hope to shed the tension, the trapped emotions, a chronic illness that is waiting to be healed by me vs. ingesting the harsh chemicals of our modern medicine. One thing I am particularly grateful for is that I seem to be keenly aware of what’s going on. That I can already witness the progress and that it doesn’t take years of hindsight. Perhaps in years something else will come to the forefront, but for now I can’t stress about something I’m not aware of and I see it as peaceful bliss.

Here is a list of where trapped emotions manifest and where you feel them:

• Shoulders: carrying burdens and responsibilities
• Neck tension: fear and repressed self expression
• Upper back: grief, sadness, sorrow
• Middle back: insecurity and powerlessness
• Lower back: shame / guilt and unworthiness
• Throat: lack of expression
• Stomach: disempowerment, difficulty or inability to process emotion

Maybe you recognize a few within yourself. Maybe you too, have some trauma and tension that is just waiting to be released.

Full Moon energy

For some reason, at first unknown to me, I am still working with the energy of the full Snow moon from the 27th of February. By now it is clear that it was needed to bring what has been lying under deep deep covers, stored away for such a long time, as I was slowly becoming aware.

Being a moon child my connection to the moon has always been very important but it seems, the energy of this one was at an entirely new level. One that took me deep, encouraging me to face a few skeletons and bring these levels to surface. Something had shifted, a feeling that I was ready to begin peeling back the layers accumulated over decades of ancestral trauma. Wounds were calling to be acknowledged, understood, perhaps healed since a long time.

Leading up to the full moon things became increasingly more emotional for me. As if my glass was full to the brim, nearly flowing over, unable to take the slightest disturbance. It would surely push me over, I just didn’t knew in which way.

I was working in my kitchen the day before the full moon and actually felt great about everything I had accomplished. New Elderberry syrup was cooking on the stove, I processed my homemade Fire cider that had been fermenting for the past three month, made “Doggy Doo Shampoo” for Cinnamon, a Rosemary smudge stick (my favorite) wrapped in tulip blooms, which all took a few hours to do. Not sooner was I done and sat down, I felt tired and drained. Besides the accomplishments, a strange sadness crept in and engulfed me like a big dark cloud. A sadness that felt painful and isolated. All I could do is sit, hand on my heart, playing a video game in a fog like state of mind, observing a mindless wasting of time without caring much. I actually don’t know how much time passed sitting like this. I was drained emotionally, unable to think and worry, my mind had checked out, leaving me sit there, just being. I couldn’t explain what exactly brought me to this point and I chucked it up to the stress in my life, the uncertainties, the worries, the things that need attention, the void and what’s missing, the emptiness and what’s still waiting and needs my attention. It’s a lot, it truly is, but one step at a time, right!

The next day while on a hike with the Cinnamon girl the same happened. During a break and her chewing up a branch, the sadness returned and there I was, in a beautiful place, overwhelmed by whatever brought this on, crying silently, inward, without disturbing anyone or letting them help or console me. “You and your feelings”, “pull yourself together”, “what’s wrong with you”, voices of the past commanded me until eventually the moment passed.

Later at home I researched the full moon energy and came across an article from Mia Steiber. She explains that this full moon can ring alarm bells and that emotional souls out there can tend to feel overwhelmed by Virgo’s notoriously critical nature. Water signs such as myself (Cancer) may feel more delicate during this time and I think this definitely applied to me.

Further she claims that tensions will run high and that the undercurrents since the last new moon will come to the surface. As such, it’s important to be in charge of the energy you chose to invite during this time. I didn’t feel in charge of my energy at all and what I wanted to invite, but I knew that “this@ wasn’t it. It was time to dig deeper and get to the bottom of it, utilizing the moon energy that rules our inner self. I went inward the night of the full moon to find, meet, and hopefully heal an inner child that had left me emotionally so broken. An inner child that needed to be acknowledged and re-integrated with myself. I’ve been working with this energy ever since and great progress has been made I think. I have learned a great deal and I hope to share this experience with you shortly.

To be continued…

Our emotions and our physical body

Picture: Google

Are you a believer that our mental and emotional state of being has an impact on our physical health? Than this one is for you and perhaps it can help you on the future. You have heard the saying “Don’t Stress the small stuff” but that is easier said than done at times, right? Sometimes we just can’t help it. But there is something we can do. I can’t picture anybody sitting there and shoveling spoonful’s worth of poisoning into their body. We know that certain things can’t be consumed and we wouldn’t dare. What if we knew how certain emotions and feelings affect the body? That these are poisonous for our over well being? Would we think twice to engage and try to limit these behaviors? I think so and here is a short list of what happens to us on the inside.

1. Anger is stored in the liver and gallbladder
2. Worry is stored in the stomach
3. Grief is stored in the lungs
4. Fear is stored in the kidneys
5. Stress is stored in the heart

Are there areas you can impact and change? I know I am still working towards them and it is a process. Look after yourself .