Boy oh boy, I can only offset what’s going on today with a pretty picture of better times, passed like in this picture of my backyard, and better times still ahead. No doubt do I wish I was there right now and hopefully I will be soon, taking Cinnamon to explore this magical place.
The husband is in rare form today. Canceling services, water, trash, gas, wifi and internet. Plenty of opportunities to yell at people over the phone, I don’t know who he is anymore. I am embarrassed for him, I don’t relate, and luckily he is on the last call, before giving himself another heart attack. I always wonder if it’s worth it, how is one feeling to put another down to nothing. I had to walk away from it. Not only am I upset by his behavior, but I am sensitive to shouting and loud noises. I know there is a medical term for it, but it has escaped my mind right now. Who knows maybe I lost my mind altogether by now. Only a few more days. Sometimes they can’t come soon enough and other times the sadness of it all catches up, although I don’t wish for things to be different anymore. They are exactly how they need to be.
Earlier we took apart my bedroom which has a special build in corner piece for the bed. Of course I wasn’t doing things right and to expectations. The comments and insults flew and 5 minutes after getting it done, he is back to acting like nothing has happened. And if I don’t want to play nice and I’m short, only communicating what I absolutely have to, I end up being the guilty one. How is one to come back from this!
Today could have been a decent day. Headway’s are made each day, we are pushing beyond the pain, and it looks like we are on track, able to make the deadline. Is there even another choice! I realize I am venting and I come here to let off steam instead of keeping it in. But by god, it surely has to be this way, doesn’t it, and ever so often (daily) the universe is showing me exactly as to why we are where we are. We had a few heart to hearts, one just yesterday where I shared my feelings, how hurtful his behavior has been and how it degrades me, leaving me feeling like I am the tiniest midget alive. One second of pause and forgotten in the next. Some things just never change and I should remember that the next time I feel so sad and bad for him. After all he is a grown man and apparently he likes his actions the way they are. May karma go softly on him. I truly hope and pray for it.
It was last weekend that my step daughter was scheduled to visit and pick up a bunch of stuff her Dad wanted her to have. Actually, it was mostly an inheritance his mother wanted her to have and some of the stuff has moved with us a few times, holding onto it until what we perceived to be the right time to give it to her. Honestly we were looking forward to it disappearing as it was in the middle of the way and we constantly had to maneuver around it.
She made it into town late Friday night and the plan was to go out for dinner Saturday and spend some time together. It would be only the second time in her daughters 8 years of life that my husband would see his granddaughter. I know he was looking forward to it with an open heart. Especially since the first time he saw her lasted only 30 minutes. Keeping in touch the best to his ability, not forgetting birthdays and holidays, seeing, speaking and observing his grandchild in person is something hard to beat.
The weather gods were not on our side for the garage sale and I convinced my husband to spend time with his daughter and grand child. He indeed sent a message, stating that plans had changed and that he was available and looking forward to their time together. Needless to say things didn’t pan out and there is a lifelong troublesome history between the two, for what remains to be an unknown reason. Both are not the easiest people and I see some of the same tendencies in both. Headstrong, stubborn, often talking at each other instead of with each other. Both want to be heard, but both often speak from a place of hurt and disappointment. It’s always reactive, cause and effect, action and reaction. Each has to get their little jabs in, each a victim who is worse off than the other one.
A squabble broke out Saturday before seeing each other. We never got to meet and a 10 hour drive, round trip was for nothing. It was a nice get away for them but it wasn’t about what it was meant to be and so dinner or time together never happened. The ordeal dragged into the next day and a message from me trying to reach her was left unanswered and acknowledged. Sunday morning she basically told him to keep his S..t and made her way back to her home, five hours away. It was unreal, but was I really surprised? This little action created extra work and a headache for us. Sadly and with no other choice we were forever to take everything to the dump. A lifetime of family heirlooms, pictures, furniture and soooo much more, all loaded up into the car and gone to the dump, to be crushed and shredded into a thousand pieces. Maybe it could have been stored again somewhere, for perhaps another time, but there was no reasoning with Dad and he was overflowing from being fed up. What a shame.