Posted in Chronic illness, Courage, Pain

When an old friend stops by

Once more the pain has increased over the last couple of days. I am no stranger to it and I have been here many times before. I have written about welcoming every guest into our home, no matter who shows up. I have written about my challenges with the pain body and I have even mentioned that one of my goals is to write a book on embracing the pain. I remind myself that even the toughest days pass, that nothing lasts forever, while acknowledging the hint of sorrow and depression that slowly creeps in due to chronic, a constant nagging pain.

It’s true, I have been a lot better for a little over a month now. Better compared to how it could be, and still the pain never fully subsides. All it is, is days with less or more struggle to accomplish basic tasks. As I woke this morning, some fingers were extremely swollen, following a mostly sleepless night. After dressing myself and easing into the day, I felt enveloped by sadness. Staring out the window, into space, an empty gaze and simply being tired of this vicious cycle. Sometimes it’s just hard to embrace this feeling and welcome this old friend, isn’t it? Sometimes our wisdom and knowledge goes right out of the window and we just have to work through the emotions of it. Maybe welcoming an old friend means having a cry together. Maybe it means pausing and taking a moment to identify a lack, an injustice we are doing to ourselves. Maybe it is realizing we haven’t taken the best care of ourselves. How has our nutrition been, did we drink enough water, have we allowed stress and worry to creep in, has the balance tipped, have we put ourself last instead of first? For me it’s a combination of all of it and I am learning to remember that pain is an outcry and your body’s way of telling you that something is out of balance. So while it might appear hard to embrace pain when we are hurting so much, perhaps we can see it in a form of warning and lack. From there we can eliminate or adjust what is tipping the balance, and from there we forge and create better days ahead.

Posted in Authenticity, Courage, Self help

Keeping it real – Finding the courage to embrace our “self”

This pictures speaks a 1000 words to me and let’s face it, it’s not always easy being ourselves, is it? Or should I say to be accepted as ourselves! Daily, there are so many influences that constantly challenge us to fit in with the majority, to follow mass beliefs and to conform to what is acceptable and honored by society and mankind. Daily, we dig deep to muster the courage to be ourselves, to continue swimming against the grain and to be our true, authentic self.

Today I want to hear from you and I solicit your feedback of what that looks like for you in your daily practice. How do you stay true to yourself? What practices have worked for you and what advice would you give someone along their own journey?

Posted in Authenticity, Courage, Life

Shabbiness doesn’t matter

Does shabbiness matter and what does it really mean? I think I just experienced a time of shabbiness during my current transition from selling my house and moving into a tiny space. There were days, hell even weeks I wore no makeup and my hair was flowing wildly around my face in it’s natural state, or mostly put up during the heat. Could I qualify for shabbiness or was I just answering the call to embrace my natural, au Naturelle self? I don’t know and I guess it depends how you look at it. I don’t really see anything wrong with either or and everything has it’s time and place. And then I came across a little excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams and I couldn’t help but smile. It gave shabbiness a new face and what I gather from it is that it doesn’t matter what face you put on, whether it’s your natural state or beautified with makeup. It doesn’t matter what you wear, whether it be designer clothing or your favorite comfy bargain line. What’s important is that you are the same person underneath it all and nothing changes that. All you have to do is stay true and real to yourself. Do you see something else in this little passage, that Im missing? Take a look…

“Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit anymore, except to the boy. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn’t mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him real, and when you are real shabbiness doesn’t matter.”

Posted in Anxiety, Challenges, Courage

Braving the storm

Today was one of those days again. A day to brave the storm and with 5 weeks left until ground zero (when we have to vacate the house), the storm clouds have become much more reasonable. It has been realized that getting ugly and mean about things won’t change a thing, but in fact diminish and take that little shred of hope that is being held on to. Maybe that shred will dissipate in a few weeks when all hope is gone and nothing is left to lose, but I like to stay optimistic and hope we can handle this in a civil manner.

Today Cinnamon came into the equation again and it was stated that if I don’t want to have a part of a future together, then I need to go and leave her behind so he at least has someone. Strange it was exactly what I was considering initially as she came into our lives. I never thought the timing was right but perhaps she would give him purpose. For him to have a reason to go on, something, or someone to be responsible for. Everything panned out exactly as I might have expected so what’s the problem?

I should have known that Cinnamon would bond to me more and that I wouldn’t stand a chance to only love her so much and not get whole heartedly swept up by her. I guess I was willing to take the risk, to allow it to break my heart in order to save his. She is like a child to me, the child I never had and he is asking me to give her up.

I know I will have to go to Germany as soon as I can to handle my affairs there. Taking her along would be stressful for all involved and probably set me back from what I have to accomplish. I know she’d be in good hands with him as he loves her dearly, so why is this so hard? It is true that I will do whatever it takes to provide the best outcome for her, even if it means losing her to him. I also know how much she enjoys her weekly hikes, her adventures and outings with me that he cannot provide for her. It breaks my heart because she deserves it all. I also know that I won’t be able to provide such adventures while I’m in Germany, so either way, she won’t get that time from him, nor will she from me. Today is one of those days and today just knowing that we might have to part in less than 6 weeks is sending the emotions through the roof.

There is a quote by Haruki Murakami that says that once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm is all about and what I know that I am not the same anymore, I look to the day the skies are blue and without a storm for awhile. I am tired.

Posted in Courage, Inspiration, Life

Dare to be!

I hate to say how tough Life can be, but the fact remains that it simply is for many of us. Silent struggles go on all the time and I don’t believe that dismissing them to silence is the key here. I feel it needs to be addressed, acknowledged, talked about, regardless of how many times you touch on the subject every week. It’s not a broken record but a way to shine awareness and insight on the subject. Only this way can we offer support and convey understanding and a readiness to help wherever we can.

I am still occupied with some thoughts about the healing from Monday night, and how intense the energy was. Seldom have I felt it to that degree. It commanded my attention and see myself as a conduit to shed light where darkness looms. It was a reminder for me how many people struggle, and if you are like most people, you will quickly recall a time of struggle, a time of hardship, and some sort of fight. Whether it was internally, or when the world turned it’s back on you. Fact is that you remember the moment, the feeling, the struggle, and what it took. It’s a time of despair, a time when it’s hard to see the light. Somehow these times always stand out in our memory, and the good times pass us by while everything goes according to plan and as expected.

It’s easy to remember a motivational speech, a quote, a piece of advice, and wisdom on a good day when everything is fine. But when storm clouds fill the horizon, we struggle to recall them. It’s not that easy to remember the “high” we just felt, and our wisdom vanishes into thin air. Even reading an inspirational script such as a post often doesn’t get us through. Most likely it is then that we find ourselves not relating. What do they know anyways, they have no clue about what’s going on, good for them that everything is going well. You might even feel appalled by the positivity of another while you are down and out, alone, believing that nobody understands you. Next on the agenda….the doubts, about yourself, your feelings, your judgement and really anything. Surely there must be something wrong with you. Why do you always find yourself on the sidelines and why are you so different, making it so hard for others to relate to you!

You even know that in time the feelings will pass, and out of the ashes you rise once more, armed with the same wisdom and the hopes of not ending up here again. Ever… if you can help it. After all this is not your first rodeo, you have been here many times before, and it’s not the most pleasant of places. Still, most likely you will be back again.

Let me be the first to say that there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are perfect even if you can’t say it at times. You just haven’t found your tribe yet and believe me, you will.

A poem from Steve Maraboli crossed my path that I would like to share with you today. It’s a poem about life, truth, and being free. My wish it that you will find something in between the lines and perhaps remember it when you find yourself in darkness again. And may you always know that darkness gives way to light again, that the stars can’t shine without darkness. And may you always dare to be.

“When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find a way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross pass with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can-

At all times, Dare to be!

PS: How many dare’s have you collected already? Perhaps you can pick a new one from this list 😉🙏🏼

Posted in Courage, Energy healing, Healing

Please help me shine some extra light 🙏🏼

I’m in need of a little extra light this week, and what better place to ask for it as with all of you wonderful energy healers, light workers, warm, compassionate, and special souls. You never seize to amaze me, reminding me of what we can achieve, together as one, from far away or near, we are always connected. The help I’m asking for is not for myself, but for my uncle Heinrich who lives in Rothenburg, Germany.

We learned so much about each other last year, during the most difficult time of laying Mom to rest, as well as his wife, my aunt, who passed only a month later. Prior to this happening we drove to and from hospital visits and naturally spent a lot more time together, although we have always been close, over all these years. Being Dad’s older brother, he is the closest reminder to the father I lost being only ten years old. Instead of jokes and the same sense of humor, the likeness and the way he carries himself, this time it was shared grief and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one that molded us even closer. We’ve been in contact ever since I left Germany last year.

He has been in treatment for cancer, but an infection in his leg has brought everything to a halt. The situation has progressed over a long, long time and even a three month hospital stay was unsuccessful in controlling the infection. Nothing is responding, and you are literally left waiting for another thing to go wrong, another complication to make it’s appearance. His current state looks hopeless if nothing changes and he cannot contribute anything to his own health. I can’t picture him as a person to be bound to the bedside like he is at the moment. He is 83 years old but still pretty active, prior to this of course. He has been Immobilie for months and muscles are vanishing. It brings a whole new meaning to the saying that desperate times call for drastic measures.

With alternatives non existent and the only future chance of gaining mobility and hopefully independence back, he has decided to amputate his leg. I was struggling with this at first and I have experienced it with Mom who also lost several toes. By now I know that it is his only chance, and such a chance cannot be denied. It is a chance, something, anything, compared to slowly dying from lying in bed all the time. He still has his wits and is optimistic which makes a big difference and hopefully will carry him through the procedure, as well as the long journey of recovery. He told me that he would fight and I felt relieved. Bless his warrior heart and spirit.

He was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday and will have the surgery Wednesday morning after all tests concluded. Please help me send a collective prayer full of light and love, that everything goes well, as well as a speedy recovery his way. Thank you very much 🙏🏼