As I check in with my mental and spiritual health, I have to note that I have cried less the past month. I might have had a moment here and there, missing special people, but I haven’t really cried at all. I feel lighter despite that the sale on the house in Germany still hasn’t closed. The contracts are signed but it continues to take it’s sweet time, as I sit back and wait for the final closure. The house is still mine, but it appears that I did most of the work that emotionally binds me while I was there.
I cried a lot during that time but I know I did the work, facing my trauma head on, not shying away from the darkness. I broke the cycle not only freeing myself but also Mom and my ancestors. I feel a relief that I cannot pinpoint to only my own feelings. It’s as if I can hear the sighs of pressure falling of from generation to generation. It truly does end with me, one way or another, as I am the last one of our family. I prefer it to end with all ancestral trauma released.
Maybe there are still a few things to work on and perhaps it is an ongoing process, but I note the difference and I feel it every day. It’s like I got myself back and the crippled, handicapped poor soul I see when I look back to the beginning of the year has vanished. The fight has returned within me and I feel strong enough to tackle the next chapter. Along this process I have lost people, been hurt, destroyed and rebuild. Another version of myself has been reduced to ashes and I can only hold the highest compassion for her. She has seen a thing or two and she has been through some stuff. I thank her determination and willingness to keep going, to not waiver and fight until it was all done. And with that perhaps I have become my own hero. My own role model to look up to, for it was me and all of my previous versions who has made this possible.
My trip to Germany is an important trip on many levels. I know that important work is waiting for me and it is here where the effects of Karma and Ancestral Trauma will end. I have done much of the work already, but I know it’s not quite over yet and there are still a few things I will have to let go off. It was during a shamanic journey that I learned and was told that I have always been the one, that the family suffering was always meant to end with me. I am in Germany not only to sell my Mother’s house, to clear it off stuff and belongings that span over three generations, but I am also here for healing and closure for myself.
Ancestral Trauma is never derived from our own doing and does not spring from the events in our own lives, and yet we carry that burden with us and pass it along to the next generation and the next generation, until we heal it. I don’t have any children, no generation to pass it onto, but I deserve the healing for myself, as I have carried the wounds of my ancestors for all of my life. And they have been some big ones, some powerful experiences. This trauma has never belonged to me, yet it has shaped me of how I show up in the world today. It has left me misunderstood, a loner to some degree, an empath and someone that is just a bit different.
I have prepared for this moment and for what’s to come. When we heal it, we end the cycle of trauma transmission, liberating not only ourselves, but the future generations. And even if I don’t’ have a generation after me to liberate, I choose to liberate myself and those I come in contact with in this life. I believe that when we carry pain and stress within, we tend – or run the risk to pass on this negative behavior. In other words I am saying that the pain needs an outlet and people in pain hurt other people, even if unintentionally. I, for myself do not want to belong to this tribe of people, so I am doing the work to set myself free and care for others at the same time.