Posted in Inspiration, Spirituality, Strength

Remembering your purpose

Just something short and sweet today, but powerful enough to require only a few words that make us evaluate and ponder what we truly want to be identified with. If not from the outside but from the within and ourselves. Maybe somebody needs to read this at this exact time to keep going, to follow their true heart, to empower themselves to listen and march to their own drumbeat. And if so then please remember that you had purpose before anyone had an opinion. 🙏🏼

Posted in Adventure, Hiking, Mother nature

Birthday trip – Monday

With the clock striking midnight my birthday was here, and actually I didn’t even pay attention. I wasn’t trying to stay awake or get excited, I had no agenda or plans, just a long and hard day was coming to an end. Mom’s birthday. I glanced at the clock because I couldn’t sleep. My mind was restless and still full of sadness. 12:08 AM the clock display announced, meaning that for the past 8 minutes I had been a year older. Oh well…big deal…I was in a funk, unable to pull myself out, only hoping to fall asleep quickly.

I knew all too well what happens when I go to sleep like this, and most likely I wake up in the same mood, and so it was. Monday morning and the world in my neck of the woods was burning from a wildfire. The skies were gray and covered in thick, heavy smoke. It definitely matched my mood and it was fitting I thought. We ended up with a later than usual start due to road pavements in the neighborhoods and I’m lucky it was caught. It would have been stressful to return from the trip and find my car missing and towed. So thank god for that.

Eventually we were on our way and the drive left the smoke behind with clearer skies off in the distance. What also became visible were darker storm clouds and we traded the smoke for some raindrops and cooler temperatures. It was all good and just like the smoke had lifted so did my mood. Why not let the rain wash all the sorrows away and lift the veil. The troubles and sadness took a back seat and finally I was grateful for another birthday. To have gotten away for a few days and to make new adventure memories. I was wondering what kind of wisdom they would bring this time, since the last trip was all about realizing new strengths.

We stopped at a tiny village for some overpriced food but a nice outdoor space where in the end we could say “Well we finally stopped after passing by for years, but we probably won’t stop again.” A couple of good but nothing special to brag about burgers, one drink and not even fries set us back $25. Well at least we did it and the outside space was neat.

Our final destination was Mammoth Lakes and we took our time to get settled. It still looked stormy and the temperatures had dropped, but it was comfortable. In the evening we set out for a little sunset stroll to check out this little log cabin, now a museum tucked away behind trees and near a little stream. It was a peaceful 3 mile hike and a beautiful sunset that by now had settled my soul and weary feelings completely from the tough start of the day. Plus a little surprise was still waiting for me that would make a big difference.

Posted in Inspiration, Life

Ten painful truths

  1. The average human life is relatively short.
  2. You will only ever live the life you create for yourself.
  3. Being busy does NOT mean being productive.
  4. Some kind of failure always occurs before success.
  5. Thinking and doing are two different things.
  6. You don’t have to wait for an apology to forgive.
  7. Some problems and people are simply the wrong match for you.
  8. It’s not other people’s job to love you; it’s yours.
  9. What you own is not who you are.
  10. Everything changes, every second.

What can we take away from this? Perhaps we can try to choose our battles and don’t get tied down with unnecessary burdens. Just having the intention will make a difference in our mind-frame. Here is to all of us, may we all succeed.

Posted in Inspiration, Spiritual awakening

The awakening process

Picture from my birthday trip. View of Half Dome from Olmstead point – Yosemite National Park.

Spiritual awakening…ah, a topic that seems to bring together likeminded and kindred spirits. Souls in search of answers, to find validations or a sign along the way that encourages us to keep going. People who question the status quo when it comes to their own life. It goes out to the “what if (ers), is that it, now what, and there’s got to be more to life” kind of beings.

Spiritual awakening is a way/path that is so different and unique to all of us, yet shares so many similarities. Once you find the courage and took that first step, you are on your way and the awakening process has begun. Don’t expect this to be an easy journey, because it will be quite the opposite. You will be a tested many times, stretched to your limits, and you fill find out what you are made of. It’s hard work but those willing to put in the effort will find a reward much greater than you could ever imagine. On the outside or if you have travelled for awhile, it’s easy to see and recognize all it’s patterns. The climbs and struggles, the storms and challenges, and the smooth sailings when everything seems downhill once more.

Along the path we meet various places that become our initial destination. It’s not until we take in all the wisdom of what that place has to offer, until we learn all of our lessons needed, that we can move on to a new place along the journey to our soul destination. And it is only when we, the students are ready that our teacher will appear. It can’t be rushed and there is no time limits, you simply move along when you are ready, despite of you thinking that you are. Remember that you can never know that you received everything meant for you to learn until so have. So in a way it is about being willing to listen and to learn, trusting the process, surrendering all control, shedding the fear, and opening your heart wide.

According to Jake Woodard we undergo 4 stages and although I have written about the stages before (7 stages similar or more in detail), it’s worth it to take a look as we might identify with something new and different.

Stage 1: The birthing phase

You start to awaken normally by experiencing pain or trauma. This causes you to shed the layers of illusions. Welcome to earth school.

Stage 2: The crawling phase

You’re very uncomfortable in this phase. You are learning many lessons, some of which are painful. You may feel great frustration and despair.

Stage 3: The rebirth

You’re being called to go inward to seek more answers. At this stage you are being initiated to be given your wings. You’re learning who you are and why you are here.

Stage 4: Taking flight

You’ve shed the veils of illusion. You’ve returned to your childlike innocence. You’ve purified your soul and are now soaring with your reclaimed wings.

Does this ring true for you?

Posted in Health, Inspiration

Green Juice update

Thought I do a little update on my green mean juicing adventure. By Saturday morning (18th) I have said goodbye to 8 lbs. It doesn’t seem like that much to me but I’m been told that my results are great and a healthy effort to keep the weight off. It’s so much more than a diet or shedding the weight quickly. It is truly a lifestyle change and a way to encourage a healthier behavior. Losing the weight comes as a bonus and as important as it is, it takes a backseat and comes secondary. So why did I do it?

Number 1 was to be healthier and more conscious of what I feed my body. Since I started my skin has changed and looks healthier, including the feel of it. The brain fog is gone. I feel more energetic and stronger. Along with yoga, smaller portions, chewing better for digestion, and a basic understanding that I have to move and burn more calories than I consume has helped bring these results.

Here is the recipe to the green mean juice if you care to try. I have a shake for breakfast, the soup made from the pulp for lunch, a salad or other sensible meal (low to no carb) in the evening before 6 PM.

PS. It’s a mess to clean the juicer but you can make enough juice for several days. Fill up a mason jar as far as you can and seal airtight. Your shakes will last in the fridge 3-4 days and saves time and clean up. Just double recipe as needed.

Serving size 16oz

Ingredients

1 cucumber

4 celery stalks

2 apples

6-8 leaves of kale

1/2 lemon

1 tbsp hunger

Wash all produce well. Peel lemon optional and I use it with the skin, juice, pour over ice, enjoy!

Posted in Inspiration, Life

What are you watering?

Flower from my garden. There seems to be an abundance of purple and magenta kind of blooms. After the garden was all planted and done it was the first time it came to my awareness and right away I remembered Mom. In her late years as she started to color in her adult coloring book, many pictures where in purple. As I asked her about it, she said that purple always has to be in the each picture and I never knew until then that it was her favorite color, or that she has a connection to the color. Now my garden is mainly purple and I can’t say that it was consciously planned this way. Coincidence? Or did Mom help plant a few of these in spirit?

You know I am a sucker for quotes and another has made it debut into my life. Sometimes they stop me in my tracks and I think it is then, in that moment when I ponder the words, that something resonates, reassures or perhaps steers me in a different direction all together.

This quote is untitled and I am not sure who has written it. It says…

“Your life is your garden, your thoughts are the seeds. If your life isn’t awesome, you’ve been watering the weeds.”

Posted in Inspiration, Life

At the end of each day

At the end of each day before you close your eyes, be content with what you’ve done, be grateful for what you have and be proud of who you are.

It’s a tough journey, finding our path, learning to roll with the punches. Be good to yourself, trust in the process and know that you are doing your best.

Posted in Celebration, Life, Mom

Happy Birthday to me

The day has come and it’s my birthday. The anniversary of the day on which a person was born, typically treated as an occasion for celebration and the giving of gifts.

Birthday – a day on which one or more years ago someone appeared in the world. It’s been definitely a few (more) years since I appeared in the world and today should be a day for celebration. Having reached another year to add to my number, remembering that age is simply the amount of years the world has been enjoying you, and that not all of us are that privileged to reach another year. This year I remember the ones that are no longer with us and who have not been so lucky to celebrate another birthday. Today I remember and feel the pain of lost loved ones and all who lost their battle to illness, accidents, violence and the pandemic. May their spirits Rest In Peace.

Today I disappear and go on another three day adventure with Mother Nature to put my own troubles on pause for a little while. To push myself to new heights and distract the mind from the first Birthdays without you. I will do my best to lift my spirits because I know there are people that work hard for this day to be special for me, and I appreciate it beyond words. It will be a time to simply be for me, and to let the emotions come as they are. I am doing my best and they say that the first year is the worst when you lost someone. Birthdays and holidays take on a different meaning and they sure do.

The importance is not to lose sight of the light because tough times will always surface from time to time. Today I will try to remember us both, our birthdays one day apart, and the gift and time we shared towards the end.

Stay tuned…I can’t wait to tell you about my new adventure. Memories are waiting to be made.

Posted in Loss, Mom

Happy Birthday in Heaven

I cried a lot this week Mom. I wish I could write a post celebrating you and telling you how much I miss you, but today I just can’t coax a cheerier self out of me. The whole week has been a struggle leading up to our birthdays, a time that was always special for us. You always said that I should have hurried up making my appearance into the world, because we could have celebrated on the same day instead of being one day apart. Well I think we celebrated together anyways and we just made it last a little longer. Although we celebrated many years apart from each other, and today this fact breaks my heart and I wish I could change it.

I woke up with hypertension stage 1 today and this has become rare for me, but was I surprised! No, not really and I knew today was not going to be ok. As I sit here remembering you, I struggle to put the words to paper that fill my heart. The small task of selecting a picture for this post brought tears and drove the pain a little deeper. I decided on this one because you are out and away from the nursing home you hated so much. You wear regular clothing and you are smiling big. I wish I could have seen this smile in person, but I was already gone by the time this picture came about.

The nursing home provided the care you needed and you knew it, but it took you away from your home and I hated the decision that had to be made, placing you there as soon as I arrived in Germany. It was awful and I was backed into a corner with no choice. I will never forget. There wasn’t a day I didn’t struggle with it and I still do. I know you couldn’t have survived as long you did without it, but it doesn’t make it easier, especially when I still hear you say that you had no reason to go on living if you had to be in there. It seems like it was an impossible decision for me to make, and both outcomes would have weighed heavy on me. I couldn’t win. How would I have felt if you died because I didn’t do everything in my power for you? How could I have done that? Didn’t you do the same for me as I was little and couldn’t care for myself? You cared for me and did everything in your power. And no, you didn’t place me in a home, but you could handle me and pick me up, something I couldn’t do for you as you couldn’t walk anymore. Would it have been enough and outweighed the point that I had to go against your wishes? I don’t know and I did what had to be done. Still I hated it and always wished it could have been different. Today and always, being an empath, I still carry the many hardships and sorrows of your life and don’t know how to not feel bad and deeply saddened about them.

Nearly ten months have past since heaven got a new angel and I can’t tell you enough how much you are missed. The waves of grief come and go, sometimes better, sometimes worse, and today feels as if I lost you all over again. I know you know and I have seen you around more as dragonflies have returned and surround me all the time. This week has been hard and I even created a diversion, birthday week, trying to keep my spirits up.

Having our birthdays so close together with you gone now, has taken on a painful meaning. I don’t know right now how I will ever look forward to another birthday, feeling this pain again and again. It’s just not the same and it never will be again. It has turned into a time of pain, sorrow and such immense heartache, it takes my breath away. I remember crying and crying, every day, for months after you passed. Eventually it got a little better and I could smile at the memory of you. Today I am right back to those early days and I guess it’s normal and the loss is still raw. Some would say that things will get better in time but I know it won’t. It never did with Dad and it never did with Nikki. Perhaps I feel too deeply and can’t get beyond it.

Mom, I love you and I am sorry for our lost time. All the years that we spent without each other, it seems impossible to me now and I don’t know how I ever managed to leave. I was so young, trying to live my own life, be strong and independent just like you were. I am sorry for leaving you behind, feeling lost, alone and lonely all these years. I am sorry I was a long distance daughter, your blood, only family member and closest contact thousands of miles away. I struggled all my life trying to win your acceptance as a daughter and to gain your love. “You and your feelings” you used to say, unable to step over your bitter feelings towards me for leaving you behind. I never realized you felt this way until years later. In the end spending 10 month with you, you finally accepted me and your wall lowered. It’s what I always wanted, right? Well I can tell you that in the end, losing you, hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I can’t say it would have been easier if you stayed mad at me, if you continued to reject and fight me. My love for you never wavered and was unconditional throughout. I just wanted to be your daughter and hoped to make you proud.

I am sorry I could not take you out of the nursing home and bring you home. I am sorry I wasn’t there during your final hours to hold your hand and take away the fear. And I am sorry I am still so far away, unable to visit you and Dad or bring flowers to your final resting place. I am still not able to take care of your house that you left behind and which is now mine. I am working on it, but today I don’t even know if I can keep it in the long run. I struggle with that as well. It was your everything, but the memory of it and the pain of all the lonely hours spent there reside within it’s walls. It was there where your tears fell, being alone, without Dad, without me and it is hard to bare. Time will tell if I can live with the memory and smile some day or if it will only bring sadness and the constant memory be too difficult.

Mom, I love you with all my heart. Happy birthday in heaven. Say hi to Dad for me.

Posted in Friendship, Inspiration, Laughter

Birthday countdown Day 2 – Laughter

After nearly 5 month of absence due to the pandemic, I gave myself the gift of laughter and finally spent some time with my girlfriend. Of course still being extremely careful since the virus is nowhere near to being controlled, especially here in the states, but we made it happen.

We chatted for nearly 6 hours, and it’s crazy how time can pass so quickly when you find yourself in the right company. One of the most important things that happens when you hook up with your tribe is that there is an understanding, an acceptance for who you truly are without having to pretend, and there is laughter. The healing laughter that takes you away for a little while and life becomes just a little brighter. We know it does and yet sometimes there simply isn’t enough in our hectic schedules.

At the end we alway look at each other, knowing that we have thoroughly enjoyed our time, and one of us will says “let’s do this soon again.” I think birthday week was perfect to reconnect and have a change of scenery, adding good old fun, and laughter to the equation. Now let’s just do this on a regular basis.

PS. Did you know that laughing is strong medicine? Benefits of laughter include strengthening your immune system, booting mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. Nothing works faster to balance the body after a bout of anger. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hope, connects you to others, keeps you grounded and focused. Laughter relaxes the whole body and triggers the release of endorphins. Laughter protects the heart, even prevents heart disease, and burns calories. The list goes on and it might even help you live longer.

I know life gets busy for all of us, but with a list of benefits like these, it might be a good idea to rearrange our priorities and make some time for laughter.