Posted in Inspiration, Journey, Oracle Cards

Every journey starts with a single step

We take such steps every day, and we are on a journey every day. Our life is a sequence of events, choices, decisions and experiences. I think much work takes place on the sidelines, behind the curtain where we don’t always see the results and the fruit of our labor materialize until much later. When hindsight steps in. Fact is that change, wisdom and growth takes time and doesn’t happen overnight. There is no true way to measure our progress until all of a sudden we arrived at a crossroads we have to choose our direction, our conviction once more. So the conscious effort we put in today may not show up until a later point when we long forgot about that particular moment or the effort it took. Maybe we don’t even remember when it began and really, it’s not that important anyways. What matters is that we took that initial first step. One must believe that a cumulative effort and the persistence of such will eventually show up in the material world and pay off. How else can we keep going and stay the course?

I drew this oracle card today and I am no stranger to it. It comes at the perfect time, at the end of one month, at the doorway to a new beginning. While I have been on a journey for the entirety of my life, most of it was not on a conscious level until the past four years. Within those years came many lessons as well as break throughs, aha moments and a heightened sense of awareness with the ability to learn while striving for change. I am still on that same journey, but within a new chapter, a new door has opened. Every new experience can seem intimidating and frightening to most, but I am no longer anxious and worried about those times. They all bring lessons and I trust that the right people and experiences will find me. That what is for me will be provided. Each day we are tested anew to remember how far we have come and to put to the test what we have learned.

This card is a reminder for me. A reminder that whether we are aware or get sucked up into daily life, we are on a journey, each and every day. Progress is made when we are conscious of it, when we acknowledge our awareness, do the work and not turn our head the other way. But progress also happens on the sidelines and eventually sneaks up on us. Just think of all the lessons you have learned already and all that still lies ahead. Are you eager to learn, to grow, to master each step or have the lessons indeed become tough luck and a difficult experiences? Perhaps past experiences have frightened you into taking another step and you need a rest on the sidelines. If you do, know that even here the magic still happens and there are no written rules or guidelines how long it takes to master one step. Take your time and rest assured, everything is as it should be. No two journeys are alike. Trust…

Look at your experiences and see how they have prepared you for where you are at right now, for what’s to come. Everything you need is within you already and trust me, you don’t need to have all the answers just yet. I have learned that in time every little shred of information and knowledge will reveal itself to you. This thought brings me strengths and helps me to keep going. I remind myself that there will always be a hill to climb, a new experience waiting to be learned, a new lesson that needs to be added to our arsenal of wisdom and knowledge. Believe in the process and you are nearly there. The universe loves a brave soul and heart and so do I.

Posted in Chronic illness, Health, My story, Pain

A little jumpstart

Every couple of years, it seems that I need a little external help. A little jump start if you will. It’s a time when a little break from my Constant is required to get my thoughts straight and leave the pain behind for a bit. Sadly until now it has required medical intervention which I am not fond of and I hope to change and eliminate this to a continued and full-time holistic approach as time passes.

When I look back over the past 16 years, my chronic dis-ease has gone mainly untreated when it comes to the harsh pharmaceuticals. I am happy and proud of that fact and the knowing that I even been in remission a few times. I am grateful for all the changes that I have been able to implement so far and I am already giving thanks to the ones still ahead of me. I am happy to be in a position where I have more time and even better means to take care of myself, where I can make myself the priority most of the time and there are plenty of things I can still do. But like with everyone, life get’s in the way sometimes with increased hardships and this is such a time for me.

I have been through a lot over the past 8 months. Huge lifestyle changes accompanied by tons of stress has overshadowed my life enough to bring strain, worries and perhaps even fear to my life. But it has also been the most magnificent transformation time for me and there have been many good things. I can see my new direction and the progress that has been made. It’s all I need to keep going and there is no turning back from here. Not that I would want to, yet it still does take a toll.

For me it has resulted in flare ups of the rheumatoid arthritis and constant pain. A debilitating experience that takes away any life quality. A strenuous existence that commands your attention as the simplest of tasks become the biggest and often the most impossible challenges. Nothing gnaws on you more than constant pain. It certainly is hard to stay positive and eventually the days become more and more hopeless despite your positive outlook and all the self help knowledge you have gathered. Nothing seems to work during that time.

There has been a little break after my last doctors visit. More tests are still outstanding and further visits are due I’m sure, but for the first time in a long long time I have experienced a day that I would consider a day without pain. Maybe it wasn’t completely absent and there are still things that present a challenge or cause difficulty, but everything appeared much, much easier. There wasn’t a constant strain, a constant level of pain, and boy does it do wonders for your overall feel of wellness and life quality. I felt alive vs. just existing and fighting my way through the day. And that with minimal help. While I have been following and incorporating the topical solution for my knee twice a day, the pills that I am suppose to take twice a day, I have taken only once since my visit last Friday. They are peace of mind for when the tough gets unbearable, but I don’t take them just to take them. I know they come with side effects, so the peace of mind is only in regards to pain and not any further damage they might bring.

However and most notable is that during this short break, I feel restored and full of hope once more. It takes just a little interference, that tiniest break to dig out the motivation and jump onto the band wagon with even more gusto than ever before. More remedies are waiting to be implemented as I heal my body and eliminate more obligations and stress that has weight me down over the course of a lifetime. What a time to be alive. I am truly grateful and this little jump start has done wonders.

Posted in Awakening, Inspiration, Life

The wish to have started sooner

Have you ever wished that you’ve started sooner? That you had taken the spiritual path earlier and had all “that time” still ahead of you. Time to feel with this intensity and to possess this kind of wisdom. That you had learned earlier how to navigate this life more thoroughly. Ah, yes…perhaps many of us have felt this way and had such a wish. A girlfriend once told me that she wished she would have met her current partner earlier in life. To perhaps still be at a age to have children together and simply to have had many more years together. I get it and I understand, yet life doesn’t work this way. Look at my own Mother who met my Father early in life and who lost him at such a young age and way too soon. He was her soulmate and they met early on in life, yet their future together was denied and he tragically died way before his time. Fact is there are no guarantees in life and often divine timing plays a crucial role. Perhaps at a younger age and with a lack of experiences, my friend and her partner wouldn’t have been able to appreciate each other like they do now. Everything has purpose and meaning, even though it appears like such a waste of time sometimes when so much time seems lost.

Life doesn’t happen in the perfect way and the position we find ourselves in now is because of the very lessons we have experienced. Life is a ride that twists and turns. Sometimes we enjoy the grandeur views and sometimes we end up in the darkest of depths. How many times did it take us to get lost, in order to find ourselves and our way? That’s what makes the entire experience even more fulfilling. At this point, your are doing better than you ever have before. You have changed, and you are turning out beautifully. You have changed for the better. You might be exactly where you want to be, but you are on your way. You are advancing in ways you might not even see yet and one day you will look back in hindsight and smile as it will become clear as day that you were exactly where you were meant to be.

These days you are fighting for inner peace whereas in the past you just accepted the chaos . You thought it was part of life, but now you are learning that it doesn’t have to be. You are waiving goodbye to this kind of energy and you are responding more from a space of stability. You are more in tune with your surroundings and what is going on. You have become picky and choosy with what and who is allowed into your life. These upgrades are changing your life as you become more forgiving, more loving, and more observant.

So trust that you are not late. The breakthroughs that are on their way to you wouldn’t be as special if you had them from the very start. This is all by design. In divine timing and exactly how it is meant to be.

Posted in Inspiration, Transformation, Witches

Ostara – Spring Equinox

Excerpt from my magical planner by Amy Cesari.

I found it very fitting for my current now, on the brink of so much transformation as and transitioning. The open house is today and my house of 20 years could very well sell. Today is a perfect day to dream big and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the open house falls on today’s Ostara. Also today 3 years ago I joined in greatness with my soul sister who would become an important person on this path. I can’t help but smile that this is what I named it, but already then I knew that together we would accomplish a great many of things.

For today’s Spring Equinox, Amy talks about an epic broom ride and to visualize your most magical self. So let’s play along, let’s stir up a little magic and come fly with me.

On the Spring Equinox, journey through the veil of consciousness into whatever life you desire – in true witch style – on a broom.

The identity of “Witch” gives you the power to transform. 🙏🏼 The strength is especially potent at the Spring Equinox where seasonal energies are clambering to make things grow.

Prepare: Reflect on who you would be as your highest and best self. Picture it and write it down. (Dedicated! Contributing! Studios! Loving! Confident! Aligned with your best self!)

Things you’ll need: A ceremonial broom (optional). A cauldron of incense for visioning and desks such as mugwort, rose, or Angelica.

Cast the spell: Dit comfortably with your broom nearby. Light your cauldron. Grasp the broom and close your eyes. If you’re called to stand instead – do so. Say whatever words you desire, perhaps something like,

With the power of my minds eye let me move forward, let this broom fly!

I’m the theatre of your mind, stride your broom and fling yourself up into the air. Shoot through time and space in whatever direction you like, into the future of you-your highest self.

Witness yourself flying over any obstacles or fears. You may see scenes or craggy black rocks beneath you. Fly over it, moving past at will.

Then, slow your broom and look down to see your highest self joyfully living the life of your dreams below you. Fly down and merge with this version of you, the best and most magical iteration of you that you can imagine.

Then fly home with a renewed sense of self. Envision the route back to where you began. Open your eyes. Ground yourself, and make sure to write notes about what you saw on your broom ride, and who you became on the journey.

Posted in Inspiration, Spirituality

The Faery Star

Picture: Yahoo

Have you heard of the faery star? To me it sounds magical, perhaps a star of magic and wonder. Where the world is magnificent and filled with hope and stories of old tales and make belief.

The septagram, or Faery Star, is used instead of, or with, the Pentagram by many Faerie and Celtic based traditions. The seven points represent the Sun, the Forest (or Wood), the Sea, Magic, the Moon, the Wind, and Connection (or Spirit.)

An alternative set of definitions test upon use of the Faerie or Elven Star as a gateway to the Otherworld; each point of the Star is one of the entrances to the Faerie Realm, a pathway, or the 7 rays of manifestation of the Higher Self, as follows.

  • 1st point – Power, Personal Will and Determination
  • 2nd point – Unconditional Love, Wisdom, and Growth
  • 3rd point – Knowledge and Intelligence
  • 4th point – Harmony and Tranquility
  • 5th point – Powers of Mind and Science
  • 6th point – Devotion and Honesty
  • 7th point – Magic

The points blend with each other, nurturing and joining us as one with the Universe, bestowing personal and spiritual transformation.

The hopeless romantic and dreamer in me, beliefs that this is beautiful. It leaves me inspired in my crafty ventures to make a piece of jewelry or other artifact using the Faery Star as it’s motivation. Would you wear it or display it somehow?

Posted in Inspiration, Spirit animals

A sleepy start

I didn’t sleep all that well the night before vacation. Technically, vacation had started the moment I walked away from work, but I was still stuck in overdrive mode, trying to get everything done. Water the plants, pay a few bills, car registration, tasks, chores, tasks and then some more of the same. 

I had planned to get up at 4AM and early mornings always bring a bit anxiety. And there I was, lying wide awake, but despite the anticipated wee hours, it wasn’t the sole reason for my restlessness and I knew it. The owl remained on my mind and the sight of it lingered. Although not immediately obvious. I have since learned a much better understanding of the owl and will only associate it with good fortune as I’m sure that I will see it again. The messenger of the underworld, announcer of death is not meant in a literal sense but more as a transitional state that signals upcoming changes in your life. I would also love to thank my dear friend at BLT for helping me clarify this through further research and by shedding her own perspective. I’m convinced….

But on that particular night, my peace was disturbed and it only became more evident in hindsight. It must have been around midnight that I finally fell asleep and the remaining four hours of rest were more like napping. A light sleep that included wake up periods and waiting for the alarm to go off. Usually it’s pretty frustrating when this happens and the little time left is always filled with tossing and turning. And of course it wasn’t any different on this night.

I felt sick after I got up, the kind of sick you feel when you know that you didn’t get enough sleep. Head pounding, nauseous and dizzy was how I started my day, chugging one glass of water after another to hydrate and offset the way I was feeling. Somewhat successful I made decent time, packing the last few things while grabbing a snack. It was 5:45 AM, I was out the door and on my way. The memory of the owl had vanished for the most part as I made my sleepy journey towards town. There I would meet up and finally get on the way of the adventure I had been fevering towards.

It was still dark outside as I drove around the dry lake, an extension of the great salt flats of Salt Lake City. The lake-bed was now filled with water after all the recent rain and snow, as I noticed a pair of eyes glaring back at me. I slowed down to a cautious approach and couldn’t immediately make out the shape of the animal ahead of me. Perhaps a small coyote as it was not tall enough for a deer. That thought changed quickly as I noticed the body even closer to the ground. In an instance the face turned towards me and revealed the most beautiful burglar mask and the most beautiful sight of that moment. It was a raccoon, one of my favorites, but then which animal isn’t my favorite. The sight immediately brought a smile to my face and peace was restored. It had to be a good trip now and it’s always the small things such as being in the presence of animals that always become one of the biggest moments for me. It’s like a huge honor being bestowed upon me as I’m allowed to see all of gods magnificent creatures. Being able to witness and observe, to share a moment in time with another spirit, another living being.  

After the owl incident the night before, I was curious of the symbolic meaning of the raccoon and believed it to be another sign. 
Here is what I found about it. 
“You will be receiving some great news” Raccoon
If a raccoon has crossed your path, you are possibly being asked to let go of a situation, person, belief or habit. Conversely it could also mean that you should accept the gifts that are being offered to you right now by the universe. (And I was about to receive an awesome 4 day get away, a retreat to nature, to myself to restore my strength and my well being).

This animal could also be reminding you to leave no stone unturned in your quest for resolution with a current problem you are facing. Take the time to look at the whole picture – the seen and the unseen to find the resolution. 
My mind was sparked with intuition from the hawk, a gift to see clearly and beyond, the transitional state that was awaiting my life as signaled by the owl and the encouragement to let go, to surrender, but to do my research in my quest for resolution and change announced by the raccoon. 
Do you believe in spirit animals? 

Photo Credit: Christopher Ameruoso 

Posted in Choices, Journey, Life

Release “ME”

And here it is…what could be the last post for some time, perhaps. Something has shown up on my radar and is growing stronger. It’s been here in the background for quite some time now but I wasn’t ready, nor did I want to acknowledge it, and so I sent it back, trying to mute and dismiss it.

It surely feels strange to arrive at this point and life has a new intense ness, a new feeling of being alive and most of all actioning things, vs. letting them pass me, watching from the sidelines as an onlooker to my own story. To feel everything with yet increased awareness, to truly pay attention and grasp the opportunity to choose, whether we want to listen, take note, act on what has bubbled up or dismiss it for yet another time. But believe me when I say that what is meant to be will always return, and soon or later it comes to the surface once more until we finally deal with it.

When it comes to this blog, it has been my companion for quite some time. It has been my constant and it has listened and allowed me to shed/share my heart while being herd and understood. And that understanding has come from you, my beautiful dear fellow bloggers. It has been my outlet, my friend, the one that has heard my cry’s and struggles. The one who has been a witness in the “Becoming ” and has attended a hundred funerals of the old self that once were me. It has witnessed this Phoenix rise over and over after fighting my battles with a chronic dis-ease and the many cross roads weaving it’s way through this life in general. Best of all, it has brought me to you and allowed me to make some pretty special connections and friendships. I am rich because of it and I know that it has been a big part as to why I dismissed the call before.

In a way it felt like I would let you down by not being present here on a daily basis. You who might have found something useful in my ramblings. You who might have needed me and you who have been my constant, my loyal supporters. You who have seen me through, and you who stopped by on a regular basis to comment and not let me walk alone. I felt like losing something very special, something I value a great deal, an old friend, my outlet and the precious connections we have built together. Now, I don’t believe that anymore. The blog is not going anywhere and is here for me whenever I need to type my heart and thoughts onto paper or into virtual space like here. And true friends are forever and today I refuse to believe in the old adage that says “Out of sight, out of mind.” And yes, I am doing “ME” (finally) in the process of it all, while releasing myself. I have acknowledged the call….finally.

And yet it’s with a partially heavy heart that I have arrived at the conclusion to stop writing for awhile and to embrace a new chapter. As with all change, it will take some getting used to and God knows that I have had this feeling a few times before, and God knows that I have resisted it.

As I walk through the doorway of new possibilities, I will still post to Aspendell_Retreat on Instagram, building my new future, building a tiny house in a remote area in the wild. Many of you have my contact and email information to stay in touch and I would love that.

I feel that I have gathered many lessons over the past couple of years and now is the time to integrate this learnings. I am grateful for the foundation to put all these learnings into action and let them become the new me. Eventually I will revamp this blog and go back to how it started so I can tell a more precise story without filler distractions. So if you are interested, please stay tuned and continue to join me on this next adventure of my journey.

Until then my friends…I love you to the moon and back.

Posted in Challenges, Journey, Life

Belonging and deprivation

Belonging and deprivation go hand in hand. When we lack a sense of belonging it is usually because something we needed in order to feel appreciated and needed was deprived. Not being needed and a lack of appreciation to what we have to contribute to this life makes us feel insignificant as if we didn’t belong to this world. Soon we wear the label of an outcast, someone of less importance, spiraling down into a painful hole of self doubt, minimal self confidence and a growing feeling that something is wrong with us. We simply don’t belong…

These feelings and issues always seem to be imposed from our external experiences, the behaviors of others, because why on earth would we put ourselves through that torture, or otherwise bring it on, right? We are good at justifying our sense of not belonging to the faults of the other parties involved. What do they know! They have no clue who we are! They don’t understand! They are wrong! They are selfish and have written us off! They have not made us a priority and therefore we are not important might all be thoughts you have entertained at one point or another. These are all reasons and facts we have told ourselves to justify and explain what happened. How else could we make sense out of it. We push any fault and wrong doings away from us because it is much easier to deal with someone else being wrong vs. us being wrong. To recognize our own wrong doings involves a brave and honest look, and it is here where the work really starts if we want change and authenticity.

So what about this deprivation thing, is it always someone else’s fault, always our perception or could it also have something to do with our own behavior? In my travels around the sun I have learned that perception is often the furthest from the actual truth. Things are not always as they appear and to believe in such I had to take an honest look into the perception of others as well as my own. I had to learn that I am not always right, that I can be wrong just like everyone else and that my perception may also be the furthest from the truth. For example: Maybe you have felt yourself neglected within a friendship at one point and your mind had no problems coming up with all the possible reasons as to why, placing fault on the other person for making you feel this way. Your feelings got hurt and you soon withdraw, causing an even further rift. The other person feels your withdrawal, unbeknownst to them as to why because in their own mind they never were aware that you felt neglected, nor did they do anything wrong in their own mind that could have caused these feelings. When it comes to our feelings and emotions they are a fickle matter and are not always the same on a daily basis. Sometimes we are more sensitive and sometimes the ego plays misery loves company with our minds, making up stories and scenarios that couldn’t be further from the truth. And so the torture begins…

In our attempt to stay away for whatever reason, because we don’t meet the expectation of others and life itself, because we feel we are in the way or not wanted, we inadvertently choose to have less contact. Our mind admits that something is wrong with us and that we are not worthy. And now we have reason enough to feel sorry for ourselves and nurture our hurt feelings, again deflecting the reason and the cause. But by doing so we hide a part of ourselves away that we no longer make available for others. We are the ones who are depriving ourselves of the sense of belonging. When we look back at our lives, can we see how many times we have removed ourselves from a situation or even a friendship, from the sense of belonging? How many times have we not felt good enough and worthy! How many times was it actually our lack that brought on the sense of not belonging while it never had anything to do with the other party involved. We have to take a look back at our life and find where this wound of not belonging was created. Where our sense of not belonging came from and what caused it. Only then can we do the work and heal, while going forward and stand firmly in this world knowing that each and every one of us belongs.

Posted in Inspiration, Love, Wishes

A Thousand Wishes

I’d send you a thousand wishes if I could, but most of all I’d wish for you to be at peace. To silence the internal dialogue and chatter, the constant that keeps you up at night and worried. I’d wish you feel secure and not second guess yourself, letting doubt rise away from your tormented mind and dissipate into thin air.

I’d send you thousand wishes if I could, to free yourself from the burden of past mistakes. To free yourself of the past and the things that can’t be undone. I’d wish you remember that you did the very best you could with the limited resources you had back then.

I’d send you a thousand wishes if I could, and freedom would rank high on my list. Freedom from guilt, consequences and wrong doings from you as well as others. I’d wish that your lessons no longer haunted you and you could see them as an essential part of your growth and who you have become.

I’d send you a thousand wishes, and a heart full of love. For yourself and for others because love is the answer to everything. I’d wish you’d love with all your might and unconditionally. To see that we all have a story and that we are all trying very hard to contribute in one way or another.

My wish would be to wipe away judgement and any ill doing. To have patience as your virtue and that you see the world through the eyes of a child. That you remember that your are never too old to start anew and that you are never too old to play, have fun, and giggle to your hearts content.

I’d send you a thousand wishes, and I couldn’t end this without reminding you to always remember your worth. To know how unique and special you are in every way. That you are perfectly imperfect. There is no one like you and you are beautiful.