Posted in Inspiration, Transformation, Witches

Ostara – Spring Equinox

Excerpt from my magical planner by Amy Cesari.

I found it very fitting for my current now, on the brink of so much transformation as and transitioning. The open house is today and my house of 20 years could very well sell. Today is a perfect day to dream big and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the open house falls on today’s Ostara. Also today 3 years ago I joined in greatness with my soul sister who would become an important person on this path. I can’t help but smile that this is what I named it, but already then I knew that together we would accomplish a great many of things.

For today’s Spring Equinox, Amy talks about an epic broom ride and to visualize your most magical self. So let’s play along, let’s stir up a little magic and come fly with me.

On the Spring Equinox, journey through the veil of consciousness into whatever life you desire – in true witch style – on a broom.

The identity of “Witch” gives you the power to transform. 🙏🏼 The strength is especially potent at the Spring Equinox where seasonal energies are clambering to make things grow.

Prepare: Reflect on who you would be as your highest and best self. Picture it and write it down. (Dedicated! Contributing! Studios! Loving! Confident! Aligned with your best self!)

Things you’ll need: A ceremonial broom (optional). A cauldron of incense for visioning and desks such as mugwort, rose, or Angelica.

Cast the spell: Dit comfortably with your broom nearby. Light your cauldron. Grasp the broom and close your eyes. If you’re called to stand instead – do so. Say whatever words you desire, perhaps something like,

With the power of my minds eye let me move forward, let this broom fly!

I’m the theatre of your mind, stride your broom and fling yourself up into the air. Shoot through time and space in whatever direction you like, into the future of you-your highest self.

Witness yourself flying over any obstacles or fears. You may see scenes or craggy black rocks beneath you. Fly over it, moving past at will.

Then, slow your broom and look down to see your highest self joyfully living the life of your dreams below you. Fly down and merge with this version of you, the best and most magical iteration of you that you can imagine.

Then fly home with a renewed sense of self. Envision the route back to where you began. Open your eyes. Ground yourself, and make sure to write notes about what you saw on your broom ride, and who you became on the journey.

Posted in Inspiration, Spirituality

The Faery Star

Picture: Yahoo

Have you heard of the faery star? To me it sounds magical, perhaps a star of magic and wonder. Where the world is magnificent and filled with hope and stories of old tales and make belief.

The septagram, or Faery Star, is used instead of, or with, the Pentagram by many Faerie and Celtic based traditions. The seven points represent the Sun, the Forest (or Wood), the Sea, Magic, the Moon, the Wind, and Connection (or Spirit.)

An alternative set of definitions test upon use of the Faerie or Elven Star as a gateway to the Otherworld; each point of the Star is one of the entrances to the Faerie Realm, a pathway, or the 7 rays of manifestation of the Higher Self, as follows.

  • 1st point – Power, Personal Will and Determination
  • 2nd point – Unconditional Love, Wisdom, and Growth
  • 3rd point – Knowledge and Intelligence
  • 4th point – Harmony and Tranquility
  • 5th point – Powers of Mind and Science
  • 6th point – Devotion and Honesty
  • 7th point – Magic

The points blend with each other, nurturing and joining us as one with the Universe, bestowing personal and spiritual transformation.

The hopeless romantic and dreamer in me, beliefs that this is beautiful. It leaves me inspired in my crafty ventures to make a piece of jewelry or other artifact using the Faery Star as it’s motivation. Would you wear it or display it somehow?

Posted in Inspiration, Spirit animals

A sleepy start

I didn’t sleep all that well the night before vacation. Technically, vacation had started the moment I walked away from work, but I was still stuck in overdrive mode, trying to get everything done. Water the plants, pay a few bills, car registration, tasks, chores, tasks and then some more of the same. 

I had planned to get up at 4AM and early mornings always bring a bit anxiety. And there I was, lying wide awake, but despite the anticipated wee hours, it wasn’t the sole reason for my restlessness and I knew it. The owl remained on my mind and the sight of it lingered. Although not immediately obvious. I have since learned a much better understanding of the owl and will only associate it with good fortune as I’m sure that I will see it again. The messenger of the underworld, announcer of death is not meant in a literal sense but more as a transitional state that signals upcoming changes in your life. I would also love to thank my dear friend at BLT for helping me clarify this through further research and by shedding her own perspective. I’m convinced….

But on that particular night, my peace was disturbed and it only became more evident in hindsight. It must have been around midnight that I finally fell asleep and the remaining four hours of rest were more like napping. A light sleep that included wake up periods and waiting for the alarm to go off. Usually it’s pretty frustrating when this happens and the little time left is always filled with tossing and turning. And of course it wasn’t any different on this night.

I felt sick after I got up, the kind of sick you feel when you know that you didn’t get enough sleep. Head pounding, nauseous and dizzy was how I started my day, chugging one glass of water after another to hydrate and offset the way I was feeling. Somewhat successful I made decent time, packing the last few things while grabbing a snack. It was 5:45 AM, I was out the door and on my way. The memory of the owl had vanished for the most part as I made my sleepy journey towards town. There I would meet up and finally get on the way of the adventure I had been fevering towards.

It was still dark outside as I drove around the dry lake, an extension of the great salt flats of Salt Lake City. The lake-bed was now filled with water after all the recent rain and snow, as I noticed a pair of eyes glaring back at me. I slowed down to a cautious approach and couldn’t immediately make out the shape of the animal ahead of me. Perhaps a small coyote as it was not tall enough for a deer. That thought changed quickly as I noticed the body even closer to the ground. In an instance the face turned towards me and revealed the most beautiful burglar mask and the most beautiful sight of that moment. It was a raccoon, one of my favorites, but then which animal isn’t my favorite. The sight immediately brought a smile to my face and peace was restored. It had to be a good trip now and it’s always the small things such as being in the presence of animals that always become one of the biggest moments for me. It’s like a huge honor being bestowed upon me as I’m allowed to see all of gods magnificent creatures. Being able to witness and observe, to share a moment in time with another spirit, another living being.  

After the owl incident the night before, I was curious of the symbolic meaning of the raccoon and believed it to be another sign. 
Here is what I found about it. 
“You will be receiving some great news” Raccoon
If a raccoon has crossed your path, you are possibly being asked to let go of a situation, person, belief or habit. Conversely it could also mean that you should accept the gifts that are being offered to you right now by the universe. (And I was about to receive an awesome 4 day get away, a retreat to nature, to myself to restore my strength and my well being).

This animal could also be reminding you to leave no stone unturned in your quest for resolution with a current problem you are facing. Take the time to look at the whole picture – the seen and the unseen to find the resolution. 
My mind was sparked with intuition from the hawk, a gift to see clearly and beyond, the transitional state that was awaiting my life as signaled by the owl and the encouragement to let go, to surrender, but to do my research in my quest for resolution and change announced by the raccoon. 
Do you believe in spirit animals? 

Photo Credit: Christopher Ameruoso 

Posted in Full Moon, Moon, Spirituality

October Full Moon 2021

The full moon is always a special time for me and as a typical Moon-child I have always felt drawn to it. I miss going to my monthly drum circle, drumming in the energy, singing and chanting, releasing what no longer serves me, and indulging in a short, lead shamanic journey. I miss this time being shared with like minded souls as the energy amplifies in a group setting. For the time being, it’s not feasible for me to attend this group setting and my rituals are performed mainly alone right now. Still powerful, I connect and tap into the energy of the Hunters Moon.

I woke differently this morning, with what I perceived as some fire energy from the full moon. My vision was off, somewhat blurry, and everything appeared to be rimmed by a small outline of burning flames. Soon all sounds were amplified, louder as usual with sort of an echo. With it came an enormous pressure on my forehead and honestly I am surprised now that I am well enough to type this post. Symptoms have decreased but they are not completely gone just yet. I am drowning myself in drinking extra water and perhaps a afternoon nap is on the horizon in a few hours. But first, let’s take a closer look at tonight’s Hunter Moon.

We enter the moon cycle and the last quarter of the year in preparation for Winter. The harvest of the season is over and preservation and preparation for the icy cold days and nights are ahead of us. Even in my corner of the world the first snow and frost has made it’s appearance and introduced gloomier days with less sunshine. I welcome a time of soups and hot tea’s, sliced latte’s and Chili’s that feel perfect for the gray, cold skies. A period of dormancy is starting and the spiritual meaning of this moon is focused on internal work and self reflection. Haven’t we done so much of this already this year? I know that I have and the work continues and is never done as we welcome the darkness and embrace the darker half of the year. For myself, I feel content, for I have really made progress working with my shadow self and the darkness. more than ever has the darkness been a part of my life this year and it has made a world of difference. I feel that I have befriended the darkness to a great extent, and love and light which are not always a given when doing spiritual work have been gifted to me almost like a reward because of doing the work. The hard work, the one that scares us initially, the one we have shied away for so long, afraid of what we might uncover in it’s process. I couldn’t be more grateful for the lessons that brought this darkness to the forefront this year and I wouldn’t change a thing, although some of it sucked a big one. Lol….

This is a wonderful time to reflect and to look back. To show gratitude and appreciation for all that Nature has given us, and also to recognize all the work we have done so far. To see our journey and to give thanks for all we have achieved. Take a moment to be still and reflect. What have you’ve been working on this year? Where were you at the beginning of your journey and where are you now? Pinpoint what still needs to change, what perhaps is holding you back, and you will know what to release during this full moon. As the Veil has grown thinner, magick is in the air and we are presented with spiritual growth and goal setting. Our ancestors and loved ones are closer to us, cheering and supporting us along the way. What is the next step for you?

The old farmers almanac states that if October brings heavy frosts and winds, then January and February will be mild. Although we are in a drought and need moisture badly to replenish reservoirs and lakes to combat a new fire season that surely will revisit us next year, I can’t help but hope for a milder winter as it is my first out of my big house. The winds were hauling last night and gusting strongly while the Tiny Boho Abode is undergoing winterization. At 1 AM the skirt to conceal the undercarriage was blowing down the road and had to be retrieved, hopefully to be finishing it’s install today before the next wave of rain and snow hits.

Besides gratitude and self reflection, this is also a time of balance, transition, developing your physic gifts, the afterlife, shamanic work, dream work, Arch Angels and much more. Whatever it is you are working on right now, consider yourself supported and carried by the energy of the full moon. I am decked out wearing silver today, which is one of the colors favored during this cycle. You might also try ruby red or dark purple, black, burnt orange, navy blue or gold. I am wearing some of my gemstones in the form of a bracelet, necklace or even earrings to further support this time and myself, absorbing as much energy as I can.

Let’s look at some activities and ritual of how we can celebrate even more. Maybe we fill our kitchens and houses with the aromatic smells of canning and food preservation. Perhaps that DIY project we never finished finds a new meaning and purpose. Candle light fills our space as we prepare for Yule and the Winter Solstice in deep concentration and meditation. Maybe this is a time we make hand crafted Christmas gifts that involve, touch, feel and smell. What about a healthy potion made with organic herbs, perhaps from your own garden, hand collected. Have you ever made handmade soaps? Do you knit or crochet? This used to be a time I spent with Mom knitting handmade Socks and perhaps this year through my healing journey I will be able to hold the yarn tight enough once more, being able to make a fist to support this practice before I forget how to do it. This is a time when I like to work on crafting and stocking up my inventory for my business at Youniqua. Unfortunately for the time being and other pressing issues still at hand that require attention, my online shop is not offering any handmade artifacts. I can still produce inventory however and it’s also a time for my Dragons Breath (Ginger potion) and Dragons Blood (Elderberry syrup). Whatever it is that we focus our energy on right now will bring more relaxation and enjoyment for the months ahead.

This is a time to continue our internal work. Don’t be afraid of the darkness within you and figure out how she is a part of you and who you are. Don’t judge yourself, just observe. Meet yourself with kindness and understanding. Be patient and forgiving. Acknowledge and forge a new plan for what you would like to see in your future. Perhaps you will journal your thoughts so you can revisit them as often as you need to remind yourself in the months ahead, until spring when your ideas can sprout into new life. Wishing you blessings on this full moon and always.

Posted in Forgiveness, Prayer, Sins

Prayers, Sorrow, Forgiveness & Faith

Driving home from a supply run, I usually have some time to let the mind wander. Traffic is lighter than on most common roads and I guess you could say that I am taking the path less travelled. I am driving away from the hectic and bustling life to a place that spells peace and serenity for me. There is time to sightsee and I am never in a hurry anymore. I can appreciate these subtle changes that bear such a huge impact, knowing that it hasn’t always been the case and I once too chased a very different life. Actually it’s been a few years since jumping off of the hamster wheel that I purposely work on slowing time and therefore life down. I seldom drive fast anymore and if I do, it’s because I want to and not because I have to. I am the one that will show up early for any appointment, factoring in extra time for the unforeseen, just in case. I guess my effort is to make everything last longer. To live every moment and never get into such a rush that I am robbed that pleasure to enjoy time. A lover of music, my love and commitment to make time last and marvel in it’s stillness has translated into that I drive in silence most of the time. The radio is off and the favorite tune is on mute as if not to distract me from my surroundings and taking in the moment.

On my trips there is always enough time to look for Pronghorn Antelopes found within this area. Somehow they always appear out of place, like their exotic markings should belong to a continent like Africa or somewhere else like that. I smile and greet them like friends, like one who understands, like one who is feeling out of place at times myself. I greet you and I know what it’s like I say to myself as I pass by and smile. Snow had fallen overnight and while the roads were clear, the mountains and fields were covered in white. The higher elevation showcased trees, crisp as if frozen in place rather then covered by a blanket of soft snow. Cinnamon was curled up on the seat next to me and had fallen asleep from the smooth monotonous sound of the engine. Soon enough she’d be up once we took our turn of the main road, knowing we’d be home soon. She loves living in the tiny abode and while I was worried about her initially, bringing her into such a tiny space, I think she loves the energy there the most, feeling perfectly content and at peace.

Driving that morning, I was thinking about the power of prayer. Soon, Germany popped into my mind and I was thinking about a trip taken a few years ago. Mom was celebrating her 80th birthday which was a very deal. Something different happened during that trip and I noticed somewhere along the line that I felt drawn to the church. Up until now I had never experienced entering or going to church with such an awareness, such an intensity, such a feeling of being so overwhelmed. I’m not quite sure what had changed. It wasn’t only the church in my hometown that I felt drawn to, but also churches in general. Previous sightseeing trips always expressed various interests for a city or town, never specifically for a church. If it happened to fall within the program, so be it, but it was never planned. During that year I took a trip to Mittenwald Bavaria for my own birthday. The area is known for ornate chapels and churches everywhere and again, I felt drawn to them. Wherever I went, if there was a chapel within sight, I had to enter and visit. I remember it well for many reasons. Overnight into my birthday, while staying at a guesthouse in the area, I was awakened by something I couldn’t immediately pinpoint. Something had bitten me underneath the left eye and it started to swell shut immediately. By the morning it was completely closed and the left side of my face had swollen to un proportionate dimensions. I always thought I looked a bit like the hunchback of Notre Dame, but I guess that’s not either here or there and I definitely won’t post a picture of it. The swelling lasted for nearly a week, although relief was soon within reach.

During breakfast we were serenaded by the sound of several church bells near by. It was nothing short of magical to hear this heavenly sound while standing on a big terrace, being surrounded by giant granite peaks. Soon we were off to a little stroll through the neighborhood and came across our first chapel. I entered quietly and sat down, hands crossed in prayer. The inside was beautifully decorated with fresh flowers and burning candles. The ceiling and walls had ornate paintings of Angels in heavenly scenes. Statues lined the outer perimeters all the way to the front Altar. Above it a giant cross with Jesus crucified. I remember sitting in silence, staring at the cross and feeling such pain and sorrow inside of myself. Not for myself but for Jesus, for they didn’t know what they were doing. For what had happened and how we had failed him. I felt embarrassed for humanity, how could something this horrible ever transpire. I remember tears trying to escape from the closed shut, swollen eye, and all of a sudden my discomfort and trouble seemed small and insignificant compared. I sat for a long time and each church I entered afterwards had a similar effect on me ever since. Despite of putting my own troubles to the side, from the moment I entered the first church, overcome by emotions, my symptoms and my swollen face felt comforted.

I was surprised that this memory showed up during my supply drive that morning, but then again there are no ordinary moments. I took it as a sign and said a prayer for a friend. I felt the need to ask God for forgiveness, for his sins as well as my own. To smooth and comfort uncertain times for him and to bring healing and light to his soul if it is meant to be in his destiny. Asking for forgiveness and surrendering any sin or wrongdoing, brought tears of relief. Not only was the forgiveness of someone (God) much greater than me necessary and needed, but it also required the forgiveness from myself and whatever I considered in my own eyes as a wrong doing. Sin, mistake, wrong doing or wrong turn, poor choice, or whatever else you label it, whether you have to ask for forgiveness from higher up or from yourself, soon or later you will have to answer. You will pray for your sorrows and you will need to have faith to be forgiven. Trust the process and feel love unconditionally.

Posted in Consiousness, Spirituality

Thinning of the Veil

It’s that time again and October is known as the best month when the veil between the spirit world and the earthly realm are at their thinnest. The veil begins to thin around October 15th, today, becoming it’s thinnest the eve of the 31st during the October Full Moon and Samhain. The portal closes around November the 10th. It is the best time to commune with the dead and for our deceased loved ones to make contact with us. You literally feel the change in energy in the air. If you sense a presence behind you, it’s not your imagination.

It was the end of September when Mom passed away and her funeral was on the 18th of October. It was during that time when the veil was the thinnest that she sent me a message to let me know that she was ok and has made her transition. A Dragonfly landed on my hand and just sat with me. I’ve lost pets around this time also and electric devices in my house went haywire with no logical explanation. Even my other animals noticed it and started waking through the entire house, checking for what? I always knew in my heart that there was a deeper meaning, a sign, a contact that has been made, but do you explain that without sounding crazy! Only when it doesn’t matter to be shared or how it is perceived can we marvel in it’s power and embrace these moments and signs fully. The veil is thinning today and already signs are appearing in a new form as I sit here and all of a sudden the bathroom door opens by itself. 😳 Cinnamon immediately looked into the direction of the door and paused just staring at it. I watch, I smile and follow up saying “Good Morning Mom.”

Posted in Alternative Medicine, Spirituality, Witches

Modern Day Witches

What do you think of the word Witchcraft and how would you define a witch? Is it something that infuses fear, something that is dark and mysterious, something you better stay away from and be careful with? Well it looks like according to current quotes and beliefs, I am a modern day witch.

To be a witch is to be a healer, a helper, a teacher, a seeker, a giver, a warrior, a protector of all things. Witchcraft is a deep love of nature and the ability to see magic in places where most do not. A witch believes in alternative medicine and makes her healing potions herself with the support of Mother Nature. She believes in energy and vibrations, the power of healing with her touch or through the divine. She is peaceful and law abiding while honoring various practices. Smells, touches and feel’s are some of her closest friends. She loves crystals and certain aroma’s. Incense and candles fill her space. Other magical artifacts surround her place of comfort. She’ll sit and gaze at the night sky for hours and the sun, stars and the moon are all part of her family. A witch is likely to be an empath who cares deeply for others. Symbols, Runes, Sigil’s, and Pentagrams are just few she holds important. Their energy is her guide, as are Oracle cards and Tarot.

These are just a few suggestions and not all inclusive of how to spot a modern day witch. If this path is yours, and you relate, may you walk it with honor light and integrity. And may you always be proud of being one of the chosen ones. The ones that feel just a little extra. The ones that make difference and the ones that are here to create a new earth.

Posted in Energy, Inspiration, Manifesting

Source Messages

I follow a site on Facebook called Source Messages . Each day a message is provided to help us see things from a new perspective and to guide us along on our journey. Those who have started the awakening process, regardless of how long ago, or how far you see and find yourself on the path of enlightenment, will see virtue, a understanding and a confirmation in those messages that are often feel as if spoken from your own heart. All of a sudden these feelings that you could never quite pinpoint are articulated and validated. They make perfect sense as you sit here, nod to yourself and notice a smile dance onto your lips. They speak to your soul, you feel reassured and it feels rewarding and good. Finally a validation for all the hard work you’ve been doing and how far you have come. Work that is seldom seen as most of it takes place internally and on an emotional level. A battle, a fight, few know anything about. Yet it’s there, every day, valid and painful in all it’s details.

I have felt these messages to the core for some time now. Messages that were no coincidence to be found by me, messages that the universe provided through divine intervention and guidance to keep going. All we have to do is listen and be willing to see with an open mind. Today I feel inclined to share the message that was written on the 12th of October. It is my belief that it could benefit a great many and that it needs to be heard. Today I am using my voice on this blog to share this insight with you and be the messenger of reassurance via Source Messages. So here we go….

“These shifts aren’t temporary. They’re not based on luck. The positive results you’re seeing are rooted in the internal manifestations you focused on first. Exploring your inner worlds gave you fresh ideas and new perspectives. Attaining peace gave you the stability you needed to begin executing. Energy you once used for arguments and disappointment are now being utilized for positive growth. Don’t you see? It’s all interconnected. These small shifts are causing a massive uprising. Your new life is taking form.”

Do you feel it? Have you noticed changes?

Posted in Awakening, Pain, Trauma

Letting trauma hit the air

Recently, my girlfriend decided that it was time to walk separate paths, paths individually, no longer walking side by side, sharing that same spot on the journey, paths apart from each other. We’ve never met in person and we came across each other on this very blog. I have talked about her many times and a brief history would tell you that she was so much more than an acquaintance, than a friend, or even a bestie. She was my soul sister and perhaps she’ll always be, whether we walk the path together or not. In energy and spirit we are always connected even it has meant walking away and walking alone.

Together we completed each other’s sentences and I couldn’t remember anyone ever seeing me in the light she did or “getting me” my true uninhibited self to the extend that she did. I never opened my heart so completely, never quite so wide open to anyone, letting them see me in my most vulnerable and most fragile, yet the most authentic self. On the brink to a new version of myself, I was hiding nothing. My feelings were an open book. I trusted with all my heart, (the only way for me), despite that there is always a chance we get hurt when we take that leap of faith. We can only hope that we are held with the highest regard and for quite some time I was. I took the risk and I was never worried. It was worth it to me and I enjoyed the connection between us and the friendship that kept developing and growing stronger throughout the years. Together we could be silly and play cheeky monkey, and together we shared a respect for each other that supported a healthy foundation to what I always considered an extraordinary friendship.

We met when we both faced some demons and utmost challenging times. Both of us had experienced too much over the course of our lifetime and it was time to face some of the skeletons in our own closet. To apply all that we had learned and all the wisdom that we had gathered. What we faced together was most supporting and most wonderful. It was great not having to do this alone, to be seen and understood. Different in ways and yet so relatable we faced our struggles. Eagerly we shared our experiences, our wisdom and insights, ultimately bringing healing to each other on a path to enlightenment and change for the better. In the beginning I felt like her apprentice as she showed me the in’s and out’s of Shamanic Journeying, and I was so eager to learn. It was around the same time when I got involved with energy healing and pursued my Reiki Master Diploma. Looking back I know that having a little student brought purpose into her life, a feeling of importance, a sense of being needed and more. I was in Germany at that time and Mom was in the nursing home against her will. We leaned on each other and we helped each other through these times. The thick and thin of it. In honesty, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Surely I would have made it through somehow and she wasn’t my only support system, but her relatability and her own experiences were so vital and so important for me. I’m not sure if the outcome would have been the same without her help. And the outcome was what will forever remain the most important thing to me. I will never forget and I will always be grateful.

Like in all relationships and friendships we too, faced some problems in our 3 year span of knowing each other. There is no need to go into details but our issues ranged from eventually walking slightly different paths, to awakening/evolving at different levels, to perhaps not always agreeing or even understanding the other, which the later two issues mentioned were mainly her concerns and not mine. We’ve even took a break once before, a break from each other that proved later that despite of challenges, a life shared in friendship would always be better than a life lived without. We, each on their own dealt with different issues within the friendship. For me it was always “live and let live,” don’t hold expectations, be grateful for everything there is, be ok even when things are not perfect and trust that they are how they are meant to be. I know there was more to it but in a nutshell I don’t think she could ever accept these things in that sense. She pocessed an analytical mind that often dissected every little detail, and that believed in her truths, right or wrong, as anyone would have. As a matter of fact, I think she couldn’t relate to me for a long time anymore, and I felt things changing along the way. With it came a certain lack of respect, a questioning – perhaps an effort trying to relate but unable to do so, followed by a certain degree of judgement against me. Despite feeling a great sense of trying to make it work, there was an even greater sense of frustration on her part. One that made me tip toe, not wanting to upset and not wanting to be seen and judged in the wrong light. It is an old wound, a trigger, an abandoned inner child I was dealing with at the time. Fact is, I have always known the truth and I have always felt her leaving. I always knew she would eventually walk away, it was only a matter of time.

There was a time where I was afraid of the pain of losing such a special person in my life. Of being the one being left behind, the one abandoned, the one discarded, much in alliance with a trauma situation we worked through during my time in Germany, but I am not anymore. I have found my own way. I too have changed and I have made peace with the thought of walking our path separately. In all reality there is a great section where we have to walk alone anyways, it might as well be now. That section when we are alone and nobody holds our hand, is the very section that brings us closer to our most authentic self. Here we meet ourselves and who we are. Here we don’t have to fear abandonment or judgement, we only have to fear ourselves and learn to be our greatest support. Here we wake up with all senses engaged. Here we learn and here we receive if we can open ourselves up to it.

I wasn’t even going to talk about it, but I realized that there was one piece that didn’t sit right with me when all this transpired. One piece that needed airing out. It wasn’t her severing all ties to leave me unable to defend myself, for she believes that if you engage in conversation afterwards you are not truly ready to leave. If your mind is made up and the energy doesn’t match anymore, hopefully all talking and efforts to resolve said situation have happened prior to that point. It wasn’t her believing that our shared purpose for meeting had concluded, that it was simply that and that it was time to move on. It wasn’t her unfriending me on all social media platforms or blocking me and it wasn’t her getting the last word in, speaking her peace and truth without leaving me a way to reply. But it was one thing she said during her last message to me. She said that even when it felt so amazing, our relationship was always one of trauma bonding. I couldn’t believe it and initially I was upset about these words. I refused to believe that trauma was all that ever brought us together and all that was ever shared between us. What about the laughter, the understanding, the seeing each other and so much more? What about writing each other each and every day for the longest time? It certainly wasn’t for me the case that we connected due to trauma only.

Now, a month later, I still think that this a pretty messed up thing to say to someone in whichever way it was meant. She’d probably tell me that I am misunderstanding it, but I see it as reducing and discrediting the other person and all that was. But I also see it’s validity now, for her anyways, who made the decision to leave. There was a lesson in it for me to learn and I believe that I did learn it. It brought me face to face with some childhood trauma and feeling like I was never enough, like something was wrong with with me, which never was the case. It also brought me to another wound, the one of feeling that I was too much. Mom always said that I had no brothers and sisters because one of ME was enough. I guess I never took that statement in the most positive of ways. Initially I felt that the more I opened myself and the more vulnerability I showed, the more of a burden I became. Deep ingrained wounds spanning over decades, we always look at ourselves in times like these, trying to find fault within us where often fault is not to be placed anywhere. And then I read a phrase that spoke to me and started to kick off an avalanche of other thoughts. It says…

“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”

And with it, I decided to air my truth and take away it’s power. But I am also pondering further in her words, looking back at my entire life and I see how her statement relates now in a different sense vs the one I initially perceived. I can’t deny that the majority of my life has been trauma bonded. It follows me like a dark cloud wherever I go. It starts with losing the father figure in my life, my hero, the one I was closest to, my beloved Dad. It continues to chasing a relationship with my Mom and to be acknowledged as her daughter for my entire life. To proving myself over and over trying to amount to something that would make one proud of me in their eyes and from their perspective. I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. It spans to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, to two lost pregnancies, to another failed marriage, and actually becoming friends again with second husband, helping him weekly while he is very ill in what he calls his short remaining time left on this earth. I am bridging the gap of loneliness, I am easing his transition, I am carrying emotions that are not mine to carry, I am taking the fear, I am helping him with what must come. I am helping him to die. It’s heartbreaking and hard and it has led me further down the rabbit hole. I am getting further glimpses and understanding as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I am learning about my mission in this life, why I am here and what I am to accomplish through all of this.

Tears and a heart full of pain are never too far off and a constant companion at my side. I have coped, I have adjusted and most of all I have prepared for it all of my life. I have learned to live with it. So perhaps trauma is a forever in my life, walking side by side, right next to me. Maybe I don’t even know how else to be and I am in constant battle mode, but I am not complaining. I am grateful for all there is in my life and I realize that I walk this path for a reason, even if I didn’t choose it myself. I don’t have regrets and I don’t waste my time wishing things could be different. I cry from time to time and sometimes I feel awfully alone, but I know that I am a fighter and that I will go on. I know that my purpose will carry me and I hope it is to spread light and love wherever I go. I hope it is to help others who struggle, and if you are one that is no stranger to trauma, I want to know you, I want to help you, and I want to walk by your side as long as you’ll need and have me.

“I think maybe I was born with this ache in my heart. Almost as if the stars are trying to burst out of my skin. I feel that itch for another world always aching inside my bones, flowing through my blood staining my flesh with stardust. Destined to feel too much is tattooed upon my soul.” N. Taylor