Posted in Challenges, Journey, Life, My story

A journey and a half

Where do I go from here after yesterdays post? It would feel wrong and untrue to myself to skip the emotions and write the usual inspirational post, as if I could bounce back so fast, back to business as usual. So here we are, at it again, doing more work.

I do believe that it helped me to write everything out. It’s been an ancient method of mine and reminds me back to the days I kept a diary. To put the emotions into words and sentences, emptying the heavy weight from inside has always served as some sort of relief. I have read your comments several times by now and although I haven’t answered back yet, your insights are invaluable to me. Thank you. Your words allowed me to come back to my own reflections, learnings and conclusions (once more) as I am approaching a new doorway I must enter through yet again. Looking back at my life, I sit here shaking my head as I say to myself that my journey has been a journey and a half. What else is there to deal with, will it ever end and be peaceful!

I don’t like to compare who’s journey is more challenging and I believe we all have difficulties ahead of ourselves that we would find impossible to overcome if we knew ahead of time. If we knew what lies ahead, we might give up before we even get a chance to start. To avoid failure and the pain it takes to endure these life lessons. And yet, I feel that my entire life has been a little “extra,” a string of challenges, from one to another. And it’s never been the little to mediocre stuff but always the big stuff that has found me. The things we imagine we’d never overcome. It feels as if I came out of the womb already in battle mode. I have faced my fears, learned to let go and overcome so many times already that it feels impossible that there is anything left to let go of. And yet there is and sometimes it takes awhile until it reveals itself in it’s own way until we finally become aware. So even if we think that we faced it all, there might be just a little more that is waiting in the wings for us. It almost feels like a little downer when that happens because I know that I have worked so hard to get “here,” and I want the “more” to turn into “none.” No more big stuff to work on for awhile. I want to finally rest in the rewards of having arrived, of being home.

Last weekend was difficult and things were extreme. New leg blisters appeared and the pain was excruciating. I know that I have put boundaries into place, have put myself first, and yet I need to do a better job to protect my own energy and not absorb what isn’t mine to carry. I need to remember that what he is experiencing is not my journey to carry. That doesn’t mean that I can’t care or help, but I can’t carry the weight of it, wishing he wouldn’t suffer so much, nor can I change what is meant for him to experience. Maybe I’d still wish there wasn’t so much suffering, but I definitely can’t carry it for him. I can’t make peace for him and release the energy and negativity he holds inside. I can only guide him and the real work has to be done by no one but himself.

I know that I have to release some things with this coming full moon. And just the awareness of it is bringing a little lightness to my heart. I have to let him go and he has to find his own way. I realize that when it comes to this work, nobody else can really do it for us. My help is still there but with more limits. I can’t run myself down in a way that it takes me several days of emotional and physical distress to recover. While I have removed and worked on so many hurdles of stress and hardship in my life, I know that there is one final hurdle and this is it. At least it is one I am aware of, even if other challenges hide in the wings that I can’t see just yet. I’d probably get discouraged if I knew, but this issue comes as no surprise and I have known and dealt with it for years. I do believe it is the main challenge that is standing between me and truly being free. And I know that I will bounce back stronger and even more confident when everything is said and done. I have been here before when I cared for Mom and had to meet some difficulties with a love that was forgiving and unconditional. It was hard at times to keep my heart open but for me it is the only way, as love is the answer to everything.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

2 thoughts on “A journey and a half

  1. Your doing well dear lady, your saying it out aloud. Most just tuck it away and it festers. Give it some air and light and it will reciprocate by healing. The major part will be just like your reactions to your mom, that childhood part that taught you to be afraid of being treated in a certain way. I would like you to do something for you…I want you to imagine your husband has passed away, reached the point of no return and he is gone. How will you feel, which parts sting or which parts a relief? I don’t need to know, but if you can look deep, you will. And see the direction you need to go. Love and light dear lady, not an easy journey but it is because of that you can feel a new love growing. Yours ❤️🙏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

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