As I check in with my mental and spiritual health, I have to note that I have cried less the past month. I might have had a moment here and there, missing special people, but I haven’t really cried at all. I feel lighter despite that the sale on the house in Germany still hasn’t closed. The contracts are signed but it continues to take it’s sweet time, as I sit back and wait for the final closure. The house is still mine, but it appears that I did most of the work that emotionally binds me while I was there.
I cried a lot during that time but I know I did the work, facing my trauma head on, not shying away from the darkness. I broke the cycle not only freeing myself but also Mom and my ancestors. I feel a relief that I cannot pinpoint to only my own feelings. It’s as if I can hear the sighs of pressure falling of from generation to generation. It truly does end with me, one way or another, as I am the last one of our family. I prefer it to end with all ancestral trauma released.
Maybe there are still a few things to work on and perhaps it is an ongoing process, but I note the difference and I feel it every day. It’s like I got myself back and the crippled, handicapped poor soul I see when I look back to the beginning of the year has vanished. The fight has returned within me and I feel strong enough to tackle the next chapter. Along this process I have lost people, been hurt, destroyed and rebuild. Another version of myself has been reduced to ashes and I can only hold the highest compassion for her. She has seen a thing or two and she has been through some stuff. I thank her determination and willingness to keep going, to not waiver and fight until it was all done. And with that perhaps I have become my own hero. My own role model to look up to, for it was me and all of my previous versions who has made this possible.