Posted in Awareness, Confidence, Emotions

My shattered exterior

I used to have a tough exterior. Always keeping it together, always being so strong. The soft inner core was always well hidden,well protected, and few have ever seen it. There wasn’t anything that seemed impossible to tackle. I’d drive in the biggest cities with the worst traffic and fly halfway around the world by myself without a single care. I’d leave my home country to step into the unknown and a place of who’s language I could barely speak. I was never worried and I was never that quick witted, but I could always hold my own. Independent, a strong woman. And now I have grown tired of it. Now I wonder if all that is been hidden for so long is seeping out of me in the form of tears. I wonder if this is my release from it.

Now, I cry all the time, but the tears don’t always come. Often it’s just a few moments of deep felt pain that comes to the surface and yet I can’t seem to have a good cry to get it over with. Some days there are many of these moments, unable to be released and sometimes they are simply suppressed when the timing is off and I can’t let go and ugly cry. I am emotional at the slightest thing. At the TV, at music, for Cinnamon, and for no apparent reason. It’s almost as if I seek a reason to trigger this release and to get the feeling out of me. My stress level is topped and not the slightest thing has room and can be added. Although everything is working in my favor and couldn’t be much easier. But even the small stuff seems to be big stuff to me. I have lost that tough, protective exterior, and what is left is the soft core, that feels too much. Here it lies for anyone to take a stab at, raw, vulnerable and exposed. There are plenty of times it gets hurt, and yet I choose not to rebuild that tough exterior that held all the pain within, without a escape. I am even talking about it, acknowledging it, putting it out there, without fear of who might take advantage of it.

Sometimes I don’t recognize myself as I adjust to this new version of me. But, I take comfort in knowing that there are others who feel the same. Just recently I asked for advice and input, trying to understand their perspective and thought process as to why they feel as vulnerable as I do. The answer I got, was that perhaps it is due to old age and being in constant pain that our facade cracks and starts to crumbles. Perhaps it is in reminiscence that most of our life has passed. Perhaps it is about our choices, our mistakes and not having the chance to redo them, may it be due to physical limitations or simply because of time running out.

Maybe it is so, and honestly, I can’t say that I would want the old version of myself back. The one that tackled everything and ate up pain by the buckets, hiding it all. Dealing with it alone most of the time. Sitting at an elevated self, I can’t see these emotions as healthy ones and I can only imagine the damage that is done keeping them safely tucked inside to keep that exterior facade in tact. What a price to pay. I ask myself if it was worth it. The damage isn’t and yet everything had to happen exactly as it did. Perhaps I am a perfect example to what can happen when trauma is unexpressed and unresolved. So, “No,” now that I have that knowledge, I don’t want that version back and this too, is just another phase that will pass in time. It is necessary and shapes the future.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

12 thoughts on “My shattered exterior

  1. I can totally relate. I spent a good two years in transformation and the tears seemed to swell but never pour. I think that is metaphorically how my emotions sat for many years; surpressed. In August, 2021, I listened to music at high frequencies and it was then and only then my tears flowed. They cleansed my soul and completed my transformation from who I had built to who I am today. It’s a process indeed and one you seem enlightened too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, it had to be such an empowering and liberating experience. A moment you will forever hold dear and never forget. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I would like to try this and see if it can bring me the same release.
      Blessings sweet soul. 🙏🏼💙

      Like

  2. You have been through a tough process for some years now, dear Rhapsody. I find it naturally, that in the process to find the real you, you had been living and experiencing a lot of everything.
    What is important, is to stay true to yourself and your wishes for the rest of this life.
    Every time we need to let go of something in our lives, we do release something inside of us in same time. No matter it is material or mental stuff.
    Send you much love and give Cinnamon a big hug too ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is following its path dear lady, as hard as it is. But that’s the point, we have had a lifetime of not looking within truly by building and protecting ourselves by building a wall…an emotional one…but in that very act is a slow tiring of the mind so that eventually we will look, and look deeply because we just cant do this anymore. So in our ‘attracting’ will come a button pusher, one that will touch that oh so sensitive part and help us to break through and finally see that part of us we ever thought was lost, that true part of us hidden below what we could never find, simply because it is built on a belief of ourselves, that ever doubting from a rejection of our love from those we loved and looked up to. Sending love and light that it breaks apart and opens you within to that light of understanding dear lady ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry to hear you are having to deal/feel this way! You might feel better about your situation if you were able to journal it or better yet write poetry about how you feel, what you see and think?
    You might enjoy the wonderful book – Poemcrazy??? It changed my life!!
    Chuck 😊💕🌹

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Chuck. I usually journal it in the form of this blog, saying what’s on my mind and what occupies my heart, mind and soul.
      I love the book suggestion being such a huge fan of books and I shall check it out. Perhaps poetry is a new way of releasing 😉

      Like

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