Posted in Anxiety, Awareness, Fear

The remnants of Fear

The other days I realized that my thoughts have been cycling back to fear. Fear is such a big part of our life and almost a constant, something that is always in our lives, one way or another. Sometimes it is more dormant, almost not noticeable at all, while it is much more prevalent during other times. The other day I was wondering if we get so used to fear that we accept it as a constant, as something that just is and belongs into our lives. Do we adapt to it as a part of us?

For myself, I know that I have worked hard to surrender my fears. To let go of them and trust that everything will always find it’s way. I for one, do not like the anxiety and the stifled self that comes with fear and worrying about things that often never come to fruition. I think we have all been there and driven ourselves crazy before, and in the end none of our horror visions ever came true. Maybe fear is a cousin of doubt. Does it arise when we don’t fully believe? Perhaps it is also a cousin of trust and believe, arising when we don’t fully trust and believe in ourselves. Mmmh….sometimes I feel like doing my own detective work, being my own psychiatrist, my own mentor and of course I am all those things as you are those things to yourself as well. Sometimes we just need to talk it out I suppose.

So why am I talking about this now, and how come I feel this way? One big hurdle that remains to be conquered in my life is Germany and selling the house. I believe I have mentioned that two parties have come forward and are interested in the house. I’am not even there and thousands of miles away, it is literally selling itself. Well not quite that simple and my dear cousin is overseeing it all, but still, it couldn’t go any easier if this is what will transpire and become a final sale. So what’s the problem, why am I so anxious about it all? Probably it’s due to a variety of things such as doubt, trust and a lack of believing in myself that is leading to worries of how to get it all done. How to go through all the personal belongings and find the energy and strength to do it. I know it is not something anybody can help with as it is a part of closure, that coming to terms, that final letting go. I know that I have to do it and physically I am challenged quite a bit.

I muddle around every day, doing small projects here and there, trying to be more active, getting back to how I was years ago. Years when I was younger, years when I didn’t have the RA. It’s not realistic and I know I kid myself every day. I do projects and at the end of the day I look back and can’t see any significant progress, like I didn’t even come close to make a dent into my chores. And so they flow over to the next day, maybe that day will bring less pain and I can muster more energy. Have I made improvements – yes. Have I made strides for a better life and improved life quality – yes. Have I managed to do more by myself without the help of another – yes. And still it’s not enough and not quick enough. So I wonder during this time of added pressure, is this just a moment that needs to pass? A moment I worry for no good reason, where I allow doubt, not trusting the process and not believing in myself to sneak in and cause these remnants of fear to resurface? I know that I need to believe that everything will find it’s way. It has so far and it’s going smoother than anyone could wish for. I need to believe in myself and that the adrenaline will give me wings to complete this final project. I need to see it through and I need to trust that everything is guided and will unfold exactly how it is meant to be.


We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

20 thoughts on “The remnants of Fear

  1. Fear is an unknown. As you said, coming up at the most horrible times, triggered by something within us. But to defeat it we must face it, understand it…and it will lose its power over us. Never again to darken our doorstep. And like anything we learn in our lives, in the beginning we are unsure of ourselves, doubting and even nervous in facing it. But once we understand it, get used to that way of being…it is relegated to barely a thought. We need to understand our fear, what triggers it, what circumstances does it grow and the most important…why! Find where it began, that childhood time with your mom or dad…or both, of how you reacted that same way with them, how it made you feel, and see the pain for what it is truly. In there is a young mind, a very immature emotional handling capacity that faces things with either an acceptance (of anything loving), or an emotional blocking (of anything painful). And the last is that builder of our walls, that protection from any hurt where we have felt rejected by our parent/s, those that we love and look up to. And we take that wall out into the world as we grow up, constantly being bombarded by of all things, a similar pattern that we ask others to not hurt us if we are treated a certain way. Follow your relationships back to that childhood and you will find that each hurt you the same, even if by doing different things. It left you feeling that inner pain. Go back to that place as a child and that place it ever hurts and ask yourself why does it make you feel as you do. And in there is something so powerful that when you see it for the first time, it will bring you to tears in its understanding…because you will see its truth, your truth, the one that will set you free from ever having to feel it again. And also seeing that it is meant to do all that it has…so you can see your journey, those many conditions to your love you placed on your path so that you can understand unconditional love in removing them. It is only in seeing your building blocks fall down that we understand how to better build them the next time. And the more we do it the better we become. These blocks are called wisdom ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

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    1. You are absolutely right and I continue to do the deep soul searching, the uncovering the layers, the in depth look of not being afraid but rather willing to learn and understand. I think some of it is still coming from a lifetime of conditioning, from false ideals forced onto us, from shaming, guilt and expectations to name just a few. The more we uncover, the more we understand and only then can we recognize the triggers and perhaps avoid them in the future. Thank you for the advice and insight my dear friend. Big love to you. Xo 😘

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      1. It may not seem like it but it is being done with a love like no other. Like when your brother would duck you in the pool, scares the hell out of you, but slowly makes you a better swimmer…and better at catching your brother out to push him in when he’s not looking 😂 🤣

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  2. Do we adapt to it as a part of us? – I relate to this question very much. I keep feeling – there’s more of this fear that I need to transform. And then want to be done with that work, so may be let it be the guiding force, a part of me that I accept and smile, and keep moving anyway?

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    1. You expressed your heart so beautifully here and it makes perfect sense to me. I too, relate to your words and the way you feel. I think you found the solution to keep going and you are doing it with Grace and in a way we all aspire to. 🙏🏼💙 thank you for your valuable insight.

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