Recently I shared that one website that I follow online is called Source Messages. Another I love and check frequently is called Sacred Dreams which this message called “The shattering” was honored, written by Jeff Brown. Needless to say I am a fan of Jeff Brown and it Flashed as a memory on my facebook today. Still relevant I feel inclined to share it with you. This year has been a huge learning curve for me and so much has happened. On a spiritual level it was often hard to keep up, digesting and working through all the lessons that seemed to present themselves all at once. I was playing catchup oftentimes and while I was still trying to understand one issue, another was already waiting around the corner. Throughout it I had to unlearn much of what once was important, let go of a lot that once meant the world, and accept new ways, shapes and forms of the things that I once valued. It required taking all my wisdom, knowing that it is there, but also putting it on the back burner when it came to the actioning part. Actions needed to be curbed turning them passive, and at times it felt as if I had no purpose. The stillness felt like indecisiveness, almost like a feeling of being lost and it was hard to see the lesson. I thought I was going with the flow of things when in reality it felt more like I was doing nothing. Day after day passed and I was going through the motions of physical and emotional pain. I had to relearn what it’s like to feel my feet on the ground while breathing in the discomfort. I had to trust each moment and learn not to action every thing that came my way, big and small. I had to let people go along the way and get used to walking alone. The lesson that I took away this summer is all about feeling, and eventually entering a deeper level of understanding and spirituality. To feel on a different level, deeper, more intense, truly giving and understanding the meaning of this emotion. In the process of it, I have come closer than I have to myslef. I have felt more of what I’m made off than I ever seen before, and I can relate my own process to this beautiful message of the shattering. It says…
“Sometimes you don’t get to be a Buddha. Sometimes you just have to break. And FEEL. You have to lose your precious spiritual awakening. You just have to be a human being, feeling. Sometimes old pain resurfaces. Old fear. Sorrow. Trauma. The searing ache of the abandoned child. The rage of a forgotten universe. And suddenly, all of your spiritual insights crumble, all the beautiful words by the beautiful spiritual teachers, all the concepts and ideas about awakening and enlightenment, and the pure perfection of pure untainted awareness, and the selfless non-self, and the path to glorious futures, and the wise guru, they suddenly are all meaningless, empty words, second-hand drivel, and dead to you. What’s real, now, and alive, is the burning in the belly, the fire in the heart. Unavoidable. Intense. So close. So present. Sometimes you just have to feel. You have no choice. And sense your feet on the ground. And breathe into the discomfort. And trust, and maybe trust that you cannot trust right now. And take it moment by moment, by moment, by moment. And know that nothing is working against you. And awaken from your dream of how this moment should be. And throw away all your second-hand ideas about the path. Sometimes your spirituality has to shatter, so you can finally realize this deeper spirituality of feeling, presence, and feet-on-ground living, and the sound of the birds singing in the distance, and a total surrender to this one precious moment. ~Jeff Foster
The full moon is always a special time for me and as a typical Moon-child I have always felt drawn to it. I miss going to my monthly drum circle, drumming in the energy, singing and chanting, releasing what no longer serves me, and indulging in a short, lead shamanic journey. I miss this time being shared with like minded souls as the energy amplifies in a group setting. For the time being, it’s not feasible for me to attend this group setting and my rituals are performed mainly alone right now. Still powerful, I connect and tap into the energy of the Hunters Moon.
I woke differently this morning, with what I perceived as some fire energy from the full moon. My vision was off, somewhat blurry, and everything appeared to be rimmed by a small outline of burning flames. Soon all sounds were amplified, louder as usual with sort of an echo. With it came an enormous pressure on my forehead and honestly I am surprised now that I am well enough to type this post. Symptoms have decreased but they are not completely gone just yet. I am drowning myself in drinking extra water and perhaps a afternoon nap is on the horizon in a few hours. But first, let’s take a closer look at tonight’s Hunter Moon.
We enter the moon cycle and the last quarter of the year in preparation for Winter. The harvest of the season is over and preservation and preparation for the icy cold days and nights are ahead of us. Even in my corner of the world the first snow and frost has made it’s appearance and introduced gloomier days with less sunshine. I welcome a time of soups and hot tea’s, sliced latte’s and Chili’s that feel perfect for the gray, cold skies. A period of dormancy is starting and the spiritual meaning of this moon is focused on internal work and self reflection. Haven’t we done so much of this already this year? I know that I have and the work continues and is never done as we welcome the darkness and embrace the darker half of the year. For myself, I feel content, for I have really made progress working with my shadow self and the darkness. more than ever has the darkness been a part of my life this year and it has made a world of difference. I feel that I have befriended the darkness to a great extent, and love and light which are not always a given when doing spiritual work have been gifted to me almost like a reward because of doing the work. The hard work, the one that scares us initially, the one we have shied away for so long, afraid of what we might uncover in it’s process. I couldn’t be more grateful for the lessons that brought this darkness to the forefront this year and I wouldn’t change a thing, although some of it sucked a big one. Lol….
This is a wonderful time to reflect and to look back. To show gratitude and appreciation for all that Nature has given us, and also to recognize all the work we have done so far. To see our journey and to give thanks for all we have achieved. Take a moment to be still and reflect. What have you’ve been working on this year? Where were you at the beginning of your journey and where are you now? Pinpoint what still needs to change, what perhaps is holding you back, and you will know what to release during this full moon. As the Veil has grown thinner, magick is in the air and we are presented with spiritual growth and goal setting. Our ancestors and loved ones are closer to us, cheering and supporting us along the way. What is the next step for you?
The old farmers almanac states that if October brings heavy frosts and winds, then January and February will be mild. Although we are in a drought and need moisture badly to replenish reservoirs and lakes to combat a new fire season that surely will revisit us next year, I can’t help but hope for a milder winter as it is my first out of my big house. The winds were hauling last night and gusting strongly while the Tiny Boho Abode is undergoing winterization. At 1 AM the skirt to conceal the undercarriage was blowing down the road and had to be retrieved, hopefully to be finishing it’s install today before the next wave of rain and snow hits.
Besides gratitude and self reflection, this is also a time of balance, transition, developing your physic gifts, the afterlife, shamanic work, dream work, Arch Angels and much more. Whatever it is you are working on right now, consider yourself supported and carried by the energy of the full moon. I am decked out wearing silver today, which is one of the colors favored during this cycle. You might also try ruby red or dark purple, black, burnt orange, navy blue or gold. I am wearing some of my gemstones in the form of a bracelet, necklace or even earrings to further support this time and myself, absorbing as much energy as I can.
Let’s look at some activities and ritual of how we can celebrate even more. Maybe we fill our kitchens and houses with the aromatic smells of canning and food preservation. Perhaps that DIY project we never finished finds a new meaning and purpose. Candle light fills our space as we prepare for Yule and the Winter Solstice in deep concentration and meditation. Maybe this is a time we make hand crafted Christmas gifts that involve, touch, feel and smell. What about a healthy potion made with organic herbs, perhaps from your own garden, hand collected. Have you ever made handmade soaps? Do you knit or crochet? This used to be a time I spent with Mom knitting handmade Socks and perhaps this year through my healing journey I will be able to hold the yarn tight enough once more, being able to make a fist to support this practice before I forget how to do it. This is a time when I like to work on crafting and stocking up my inventory for my business at Youniqua. Unfortunately for the time being and other pressing issues still at hand that require attention, my online shop is not offering any handmade artifacts. I can still produce inventory however and it’s also a time for my Dragons Breath (Ginger potion) and Dragons Blood (Elderberry syrup). Whatever it is that we focus our energy on right now will bring more relaxation and enjoyment for the months ahead.
This is a time to continue our internal work. Don’t be afraid of the darkness within you and figure out how she is a part of you and who you are. Don’t judge yourself, just observe. Meet yourself with kindness and understanding. Be patient and forgiving. Acknowledge and forge a new plan for what you would like to see in your future. Perhaps you will journal your thoughts so you can revisit them as often as you need to remind yourself in the months ahead, until spring when your ideas can sprout into new life. Wishing you blessings on this full moon and always.
Driving home from a supply run, I usually have some time to let the mind wander. Traffic is lighter than on most common roads and I guess you could say that I am taking the path less travelled. I am driving away from the hectic and bustling life to a place that spells peace and serenity for me. There is time to sightsee and I am never in a hurry anymore. I can appreciate these subtle changes that bear such a huge impact, knowing that it hasn’t always been the case and I once too chased a very different life. Actually it’s been a few years since jumping off of the hamster wheel that I purposely work on slowing time and therefore life down. I seldom drive fast anymore and if I do, it’s because I want to and not because I have to. I am the one that will show up early for any appointment, factoring in extra time for the unforeseen, just in case. I guess my effort is to make everything last longer. To live every moment and never get into such a rush that I am robbed that pleasure to enjoy time. A lover of music, my love and commitment to make time last and marvel in it’s stillness has translated into that I drive in silence most of the time. The radio is off and the favorite tune is on mute as if not to distract me from my surroundings and taking in the moment.
On my trips there is always enough time to look for Pronghorn Antelopes found within this area. Somehow they always appear out of place, like their exotic markings should belong to a continent like Africa or somewhere else like that. I smile and greet them like friends, like one who understands, like one who is feeling out of place at times myself. I greet you and I know what it’s like I say to myself as I pass by and smile. Snow had fallen overnight and while the roads were clear, the mountains and fields were covered in white. The higher elevation showcased trees, crisp as if frozen in place rather then covered by a blanket of soft snow. Cinnamon was curled up on the seat next to me and had fallen asleep from the smooth monotonous sound of the engine. Soon enough she’d be up once we took our turn of the main road, knowing we’d be home soon. She loves living in the tiny abode and while I was worried about her initially, bringing her into such a tiny space, I think she loves the energy there the most, feeling perfectly content and at peace.
Driving that morning, I was thinking about the power of prayer. Soon, Germany popped into my mind and I was thinking about a trip taken a few years ago. Mom was celebrating her 80th birthday which was a very deal. Something different happened during that trip and I noticed somewhere along the line that I felt drawn to the church. Up until now I had never experienced entering or going to church with such an awareness, such an intensity, such a feeling of being so overwhelmed. I’m not quite sure what had changed. It wasn’t only the church in my hometown that I felt drawn to, but also churches in general. Previous sightseeing trips always expressed various interests for a city or town, never specifically for a church. If it happened to fall within the program, so be it, but it was never planned. During that year I took a trip to Mittenwald Bavaria for my own birthday. The area is known for ornate chapels and churches everywhere and again, I felt drawn to them. Wherever I went, if there was a chapel within sight, I had to enter and visit. I remember it well for many reasons. Overnight into my birthday, while staying at a guesthouse in the area, I was awakened by something I couldn’t immediately pinpoint. Something had bitten me underneath the left eye and it started to swell shut immediately. By the morning it was completely closed and the left side of my face had swollen to un proportionate dimensions. I always thought I looked a bit like the hunchback of Notre Dame, but I guess that’s not either here or there and I definitely won’t post a picture of it. The swelling lasted for nearly a week, although relief was soon within reach.
During breakfast we were serenaded by the sound of several church bells near by. It was nothing short of magical to hear this heavenly sound while standing on a big terrace, being surrounded by giant granite peaks. Soon we were off to a little stroll through the neighborhood and came across our first chapel. I entered quietly and sat down, hands crossed in prayer. The inside was beautifully decorated with fresh flowers and burning candles. The ceiling and walls had ornate paintings of Angels in heavenly scenes. Statues lined the outer perimeters all the way to the front Altar. Above it a giant cross with Jesus crucified. I remember sitting in silence, staring at the cross and feeling such pain and sorrow inside of myself. Not for myself but for Jesus, for they didn’t know what they were doing. For what had happened and how we had failed him. I felt embarrassed for humanity, how could something this horrible ever transpire. I remember tears trying to escape from the closed shut, swollen eye, and all of a sudden my discomfort and trouble seemed small and insignificant compared. I sat for a long time and each church I entered afterwards had a similar effect on me ever since. Despite of putting my own troubles to the side, from the moment I entered the first church, overcome by emotions, my symptoms and my swollen face felt comforted.
I was surprised that this memory showed up during my supply drive that morning, but then again there are no ordinary moments. I took it as a sign and said a prayer for a friend. I felt the need to ask God for forgiveness, for his sins as well as my own. To smooth and comfort uncertain times for him and to bring healing and light to his soul if it is meant to be in his destiny. Asking for forgiveness and surrendering any sin or wrongdoing, brought tears of relief. Not only was the forgiveness of someone (God) much greater than me necessary and needed, but it also required the forgiveness from myself and whatever I considered in my own eyes as a wrong doing. Sin, mistake, wrong doing or wrong turn, poor choice, or whatever else you label it, whether you have to ask for forgiveness from higher up or from yourself, soon or later you will have to answer. You will pray for your sorrows and you will need to have faith to be forgiven. Trust the process and feel love unconditionally.
When was the last you danced like no one is watching? With childlike abandonment, just being silly, acting cheeky monkey, not caring to make a fool out of yourself? I hope it hasn’t been as long as it has for me and dancing through life is a regular practice for you. Believe it or not, I actually had such a few crazy minutes just recently. It’s been a long time and it was needed, and it felt wonderful.
Fact is that all summer long I was crippled by so much pain that there wasn’t even the faintest thought of dancing. When life becomes a major chore, there is nothing easy about moving your feet. There was no lightness in any forced step and every little thing took a huge effort. Holding a plate, getting dressed, opening a bottle or a jar, trying to comb my hair, reaching above my head, day to day life was one big struggle. There were days when the pain eased a little, allowing hope to flood into my veins once more even though pain was never completely absent. Pain remained a constant every day. I was afraid to write about it when I experienced “a better day” as I might have jinxed myself each time and would always revert back to my crippled state. “The better feeling” never lasted more than a few hours, at most a full day, but I was grateful for the little breaks. They were needed and brought a reminder of what it felt like to be human.
Then, finally I decided that I had no choice but to get Vaccinated. Shortly before that, I came to terms with a major decision about my House in Germany and to sell it. Just the choice of it, no longer being indecisive, not knowing what to do, trying to do right by Mom and working through these motion, lifted a burden, although the work is still ahead of me. Shortly afterwards I noticed that I was making improvements on the health front and that the feeling of “better” was lasting just a little longer. Still I didn’t dare to believe that I was at the brink of sending the RA into remission again and I still don’t fully believe it. But I don’t stress on it and take each day as a gift and blessing. Gift or challenge, each visitor is welcome and hosted accordingly.
Then I got my 2nd Dose of the vaccination and boy, it did a number on me at first. It was awful and I am beyond grateful that it is over. I felt so terrible, but surprisingly as the symptoms and side effects decreased and vanished, with it left most of the RA pain and I gained back flexibility and being able to complete tasks with even less effort and pain. I was able to take Cinnamon on a three mile hike, but struggled to get a mile in the next day. Feeling better is not consistent yet and it’s still unpredictable, but changes are noticed and appreciated beyond words. And so it came to be that while cooking up a scrumptious meal in the tiny abode, music playing not so softly in the background, I soon found my feet shuffling over the narrow floor, dancing and smiling from ear to ear while Cinnamon joined me in her own way. If you think that energy and vibration is not a thing, think again, as this little soul always knows when I am sad, when I am hurt, when I am happy and most of all when it’s time to go on a walk or play cheeky monkey. She’ll be the first to comfort me when needed and her regular check ins are a given. Her energy matches mine to the T, and together we bring out our feisty side. She is my heart and I will miss dearly when I’m in Germany.
Life is a dance and I say Dear Dance. Enlighten what’s dark in me…strengthen what’s weak in me….mend what’s broken in me…bind what’s bruised in me…heal what’s sick in me and lastly, revive whatever peace and love that has died in me.
“Never wish them pain. That’s not who you are. If they caused you pain, they must have pain inside. Wish them healing. That’s what they need. ~Najwa Zebian
We all have been there. We all have been hurt by others, whether from a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend or loved one, we all have experienced what it feels like to have our feelings crushed. In that moment it seldom matters whether it was intentional or a mere misunderstanding, or something that just didn’t come out right. I’ve never been much like the eye for an eye person, or the one that has to retaliate. Of course I have been hurt and of course I have been angry when I found myself caught in the middle of whatever injustice came my way. I think it’s human for us to feel this way, but I have been practicing the above quote for a few years now. Am I perfect at it? No, of course not and there is always room to fine tune and expand further in our practices. However, it has taught me an increased compassion for others. An understanding that when someone acts from a place of hurt, it is usually because hurt is what is holding them in a tight grip. Often it’s a defense mechanism, sometimes an empowerment to make themselves feel better or superior, to justify that they matter and are important. Being able to recognize and practice this is rarely understood by others who might think something is wrong with you, but does it truly matter who understands and who doesn’t? Could you wish somebody well and healing who has just hurt you? You might be surprised if you consider it, for it will set you free. Maybe some things don’t deserve to be forgiven, but you will always be deserving of your own peace of mind and freedom. It’s always different when we act from our heart space rather than our mind space.
Does shabbiness matter and what does it really mean? I think I just experienced a time of shabbiness during my current transition from selling my house and moving into a tiny space. There were days, hell even weeks I wore no makeup and my hair was flowing wildly around my face in it’s natural state, or mostly put up during the heat. Could I qualify for shabbiness or was I just answering the call to embrace my natural, au Naturelle self? I don’t know and I guess it depends how you look at it. I don’t really see anything wrong with either or and everything has it’s time and place. And then I came across a little excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams and I couldn’t help but smile. It gave shabbiness a new face and what I gather from it is that it doesn’t matter what face you put on, whether it’s your natural state or beautified with makeup. It doesn’t matter what you wear, whether it be designer clothing or your favorite comfy bargain line. What’s important is that you are the same person underneath it all and nothing changes that. All you have to do is stay true and real to yourself. Do you see something else in this little passage, that Im missing? Take a look…
“Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit anymore, except to the boy. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn’t mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him real, and when you are real shabbiness doesn’t matter.”
It’s that time again and October is known as the best month when the veil between the spirit world and the earthly realm are at their thinnest. The veil begins to thin around October 15th, today, becoming it’s thinnest the eve of the 31st during the October Full Moon and Samhain. The portal closes around November the 10th. It is the best time to commune with the dead and for our deceased loved ones to make contact with us. You literally feel the change in energy in the air. If you sense a presence behind you, it’s not your imagination.
It was the end of September when Mom passed away and her funeral was on the 18th of October. It was during that time when the veil was the thinnest that she sent me a message to let me know that she was ok and has made her transition. A Dragonfly landed on my hand and just sat with me. I’ve lost pets around this time also and electric devices in my house went haywire with no logical explanation. Even my other animals noticed it and started waking through the entire house, checking for what? I always knew in my heart that there was a deeper meaning, a sign, a contact that has been made, but do you explain that without sounding crazy! Only when it doesn’t matter to be shared or how it is perceived can we marvel in it’s power and embrace these moments and signs fully. The veil is thinning today and already signs are appearing in a new form as I sit here and all of a sudden the bathroom door opens by itself. 😳 Cinnamon immediately looked into the direction of the door and paused just staring at it. I watch, I smile and follow up saying “Good Morning Mom.”
What do you think of the word Witchcraft and how would you define a witch? Is it something that infuses fear, something that is dark and mysterious, something you better stay away from and be careful with? Well it looks like according to current quotes and beliefs, I am a modern day witch.
To be a witch is to be a healer, a helper, a teacher, a seeker, a giver, a warrior, a protector of all things. Witchcraft is a deep love of nature and the ability to see magic in places where most do not. A witch believes in alternative medicine and makes her healing potions herself with the support of Mother Nature. She believes in energy and vibrations, the power of healing with her touch or through the divine. She is peaceful and law abiding while honoring various practices. Smells, touches and feel’s are some of her closest friends. She loves crystals and certain aroma’s. Incense and candles fill her space. Other magical artifacts surround her place of comfort. She’ll sit and gaze at the night sky for hours and the sun, stars and the moon are all part of her family. A witch is likely to be an empath who cares deeply for others. Symbols, Runes, Sigil’s, and Pentagrams are just few she holds important. Their energy is her guide, as are Oracle cards and Tarot.
These are just a few suggestions and not all inclusive of how to spot a modern day witch. If this path is yours, and you relate, may you walk it with honor light and integrity. And may you always be proud of being one of the chosen ones. The ones that feel just a little extra. The ones that make difference and the ones that are here to create a new earth.
I follow a site on Facebook called Source Messages . Each day a message is provided to help us see things from a new perspective and to guide us along on our journey. Those who have started the awakening process, regardless of how long ago, or how far you see and find yourself on the path of enlightenment, will see virtue, a understanding and a confirmation in those messages that are often feel as if spoken from your own heart. All of a sudden these feelings that you could never quite pinpoint are articulated and validated. They make perfect sense as you sit here, nod to yourself and notice a smile dance onto your lips. They speak to your soul, you feel reassured and it feels rewarding and good. Finally a validation for all the hard work you’ve been doing and how far you have come. Work that is seldom seen as most of it takes place internally and on an emotional level. A battle, a fight, few know anything about. Yet it’s there, every day, valid and painful in all it’s details.
I have felt these messages to the core for some time now. Messages that were no coincidence to be found by me, messages that the universe provided through divine intervention and guidance to keep going. All we have to do is listen and be willing to see with an open mind. Today I feel inclined to share the message that was written on the 12th of October. It is my belief that it could benefit a great many and that it needs to be heard. Today I am using my voice on this blog to share this insight with you and be the messenger of reassurance via Source Messages. So here we go….
“These shifts aren’t temporary. They’re not based on luck. The positive results you’re seeing are rooted in the internal manifestations you focused on first. Exploring your inner worlds gave you fresh ideas and new perspectives. Attaining peace gave you the stability you needed to begin executing. Energy you once used for arguments and disappointment are now being utilized for positive growth. Don’t you see? It’s all interconnected. These small shifts are causing a massive uprising. Your new life is taking form.”
Recently, my girlfriend decided that it was time to walk separate paths, paths individually, no longer walking side by side, sharing that same spot on the journey, paths apart from each other. We’ve never met in person and we came across each other on this very blog. I have talked about her many times and a brief history would tell you that she was so much more than an acquaintance, than a friend, or even a bestie. She was my soul sister and perhaps she’ll always be, whether we walk the path together or not. In energy and spirit we are always connected even it has meant walking away and walking alone.
Together we completed each other’s sentences and I couldn’t remember anyone ever seeing me in the light she did or “getting me” my true uninhibited self to the extend that she did. I never opened my heart so completely, never quite so wide open to anyone, letting them see me in my most vulnerable and most fragile, yet the most authentic self. On the brink to a new version of myself, I was hiding nothing. My feelings were an open book. I trusted with all my heart, (the only way for me), despite that there is always a chance we get hurt when we take that leap of faith. We can only hope that we are held with the highest regard and for quite some time I was. I took the risk and I was never worried. It was worth it to me and I enjoyed the connection between us and the friendship that kept developing and growing stronger throughout the years. Together we could be silly and play cheeky monkey, and together we shared a respect for each other that supported a healthy foundation to what I always considered an extraordinary friendship.
We met when we both faced some demons and utmost challenging times. Both of us had experienced too much over the course of our lifetime and it was time to face some of the skeletons in our own closet. To apply all that we had learned and all the wisdom that we had gathered. What we faced together was most supporting and most wonderful. It was great not having to do this alone, to be seen and understood. Different in ways and yet so relatable we faced our struggles. Eagerly we shared our experiences, our wisdom and insights, ultimately bringing healing to each other on a path to enlightenment and change for the better. In the beginning I felt like her apprentice as she showed me the in’s and out’s of Shamanic Journeying, and I was so eager to learn. It was around the same time when I got involved with energy healing and pursued my Reiki Master Diploma. Looking back I know that having a little student brought purpose into her life, a feeling of importance, a sense of being needed and more. I was in Germany at that time and Mom was in the nursing home against her will. We leaned on each other and we helped each other through these times. The thick and thin of it. In honesty, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Surely I would have made it through somehow and she wasn’t my only support system, but her relatability and her own experiences were so vital and so important for me. I’m not sure if the outcome would have been the same without her help. And the outcome was what will forever remain the most important thing to me. I will never forget and I will always be grateful.
Like in all relationships and friendships we too, faced some problems in our 3 year span of knowing each other. There is no need to go into details but our issues ranged from eventually walking slightly different paths, to awakening/evolving at different levels, to perhaps not always agreeing or even understanding the other, which the later two issues mentioned were mainly her concerns and not mine. We’ve even took a break once before, a break from each other that proved later that despite of challenges, a life shared in friendship would always be better than a life lived without. We, each on their own dealt with different issues within the friendship. For me it was always “live and let live,” don’t hold expectations, be grateful for everything there is, be ok even when things are not perfect and trust that they are how they are meant to be. I know there was more to it but in a nutshell I don’t think she could ever accept these things in that sense. She pocessed an analytical mind that often dissected every little detail, and that believed in her truths, right or wrong, as anyone would have. As a matter of fact, I think she couldn’t relate to me for a long time anymore, and I felt things changing along the way. With it came a certain lack of respect, a questioning – perhaps an effort trying to relate but unable to do so, followed by a certain degree of judgement against me. Despite feeling a great sense of trying to make it work, there was an even greater sense of frustration on her part. One that made me tip toe, not wanting to upset and not wanting to be seen and judged in the wrong light. It is an old wound, a trigger, an abandoned inner child I was dealing with at the time. Fact is, I have always known the truth and I have always felt her leaving. I always knew she would eventually walk away, it was only a matter of time.
There was a time where I was afraid of the pain of losing such a special person in my life. Of being the one being left behind, the one abandoned, the one discarded, much in alliance with a trauma situation we worked through during my time in Germany, but I am not anymore. I have found my own way. I too have changed and I have made peace with the thought of walking our path separately. In all reality there is a great section where we have to walk alone anyways, it might as well be now. That section when we are alone and nobody holds our hand, is the very section that brings us closer to our most authentic self. Here we meet ourselves and who we are. Here we don’t have to fear abandonment or judgement, we only have to fear ourselves and learn to be our greatest support. Here we wake up with all senses engaged. Here we learn and here we receive if we can open ourselves up to it.
I wasn’t even going to talk about it, but I realized that there was one piece that didn’t sit right with me when all this transpired. One piece that needed airing out. It wasn’t her severing all ties to leave me unable to defend myself, for she believes that if you engage in conversation afterwards you are not truly ready to leave. If your mind is made up and the energy doesn’t match anymore, hopefully all talking and efforts to resolve said situation have happened prior to that point. It wasn’t her believing that our shared purpose for meeting had concluded, that it was simply that and that it was time to move on. It wasn’t her unfriending me on all social media platforms or blocking me and it wasn’t her getting the last word in, speaking her peace and truth without leaving me a way to reply. But it was one thing she said during her last message to me. She said that even when it felt so amazing, our relationship was always one of trauma bonding. I couldn’t believe it and initially I was upset about these words. I refused to believe that trauma was all that ever brought us together and all that was ever shared between us. What about the laughter, the understanding, the seeing each other and so much more? What about writing each other each and every day for the longest time? It certainly wasn’t for me the case that we connected due to trauma only.
Now, a month later, I still think that this a pretty messed up thing to say to someone in whichever way it was meant. She’d probably tell me that I am misunderstanding it, but I see it as reducing and discrediting the other person and all that was. But I also see it’s validity now, for her anyways, who made the decision to leave. There was a lesson in it for me to learn and I believe that I did learn it. It brought me face to face with some childhood trauma and feeling like I was never enough, like something was wrong with with me, which never was the case. It also brought me to another wound, the one of feeling that I was too much. Mom always said that I had no brothers and sisters because one of ME was enough. I guess I never took that statement in the most positive of ways. Initially I felt that the more I opened myself and the more vulnerability I showed, the more of a burden I became. Deep ingrained wounds spanning over decades, we always look at ourselves in times like these, trying to find fault within us where often fault is not to be placed anywhere. And then I read a phrase that spoke to me and started to kick off an avalanche of other thoughts. It says…
“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help, but to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”
And with it, I decided to air my truth and take away it’s power. But I am also pondering further in her words, looking back at my entire life and I see how her statement relates now in a different sense vs the one I initially perceived. I can’t deny that the majority of my life has been trauma bonded. It follows me like a dark cloud wherever I go. It starts with losing the father figure in my life, my hero, the one I was closest to, my beloved Dad. It continues to chasing a relationship with my Mom and to be acknowledged as her daughter for my entire life. To proving myself over and over trying to amount to something that would make one proud of me in their eyes and from their perspective. I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t win. It spans to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a narcissist, to two lost pregnancies, to another failed marriage, and actually becoming friends again with second husband, helping him weekly while he is very ill in what he calls his short remaining time left on this earth. I am bridging the gap of loneliness, I am easing his transition, I am carrying emotions that are not mine to carry, I am taking the fear, I am helping him with what must come. I am helping him to die. It’s heartbreaking and hard and it has led me further down the rabbit hole. I am getting further glimpses and understanding as to why things are the way they are. Perhaps I am learning about my mission in this life, why I am here and what I am to accomplish through all of this.
Tears and a heart full of pain are never too far off and a constant companion at my side. I have coped, I have adjusted and most of all I have prepared for it all of my life. I have learned to live with it. So perhaps trauma is a forever in my life, walking side by side, right next to me. Maybe I don’t even know how else to be and I am in constant battle mode, but I am not complaining. I am grateful for all there is in my life and I realize that I walk this path for a reason, even if I didn’t choose it myself. I don’t have regrets and I don’t waste my time wishing things could be different. I cry from time to time and sometimes I feel awfully alone, but I know that I am a fighter and that I will go on. I know that my purpose will carry me and I hope it is to spread light and love wherever I go. I hope it is to help others who struggle, and if you are one that is no stranger to trauma, I want to know you, I want to help you, and I want to walk by your side as long as you’ll need and have me.
“I think maybe I was born with this ache in my heart. Almost as if the stars are trying to burst out of my skin. I feel that itch for another world always aching inside my bones, flowing through my blood staining my flesh with stardust. Destined to feel too much is tattooed upon my soul.” N. Taylor