I find myself engaged in a case of daydreaming this morning. It’s a beautiful day and the smoke has lifted from the Dixie Fire. The air quality is still moderate but it’s a huge improvement from the hazardous readings just a day ago. The temps are on the cooler side and only in the 50’s this morning. I almost feel a bit chilled but I love it. I got up early and with much more ease. Although I am still medicated, I feel a difference compared to other times. It’s not even 10AM yet, and I already put my face on (make-up) which is a seldom occasion these days, made the bed, installed a tiered shelf in the kitchen for better organization, made breakfast, cleaned the small tiny abode and found playtime with Cinnamon and her visiting boyfriend Max who is leaving today.
A glimmer and slight change in outlook which started last night is what I’m holding on to. Something so small, yet something that makes all the difference. I have a long ways to go, but I recognize the subtle tweaks, the things I can do to capitalize on the moment, and how I can tap into the power of it’s energy. Everything can change in an instant and if it does there is always plenty of time to deal with it then. For now I’m enjoying my “now” and it is good.
This morning I am revisiting old theories and new aha moments. I am taking notes and I am tucking my findings deep within my wisdoms data bank. There, stored within the archives lie all the successes and wins, all the trials and errors it took to get me this far in life. I’ve always had a theory that once I wrote something down, it automatically created a record of some sort. It became something I didn’t have to think about anymore, worrying that I’d forget, wile leaving me relieved that I have it tucked away somewhere, to recall whenever. Honestly, I can’t tell you or myself how many times I recalled something like that on a conscious level, and it was simply running in the background like a side program waiting for a clue to spring into action. Maybe I was writing it down not as a note to remember but as something to forget.
In my travels down memory lane and trying to figure out this riddle called life, I was wondering what the key ingredient to life is. What does it really take to make things smoother and easier on ourselves! What spells success? How do we skate by every day troubles while staying on track and not getting knocked back a few steps? It might not be a one fits all and it might be a multitude of things, but something stood out to me this morning. I knew it wasn’t the first time it did, but it was reconfirming, baking it into my brain, as if to urge me to never forget it, ever. But before I get into the details of it, let me back up a moment.
It was during the powerful activation of the Lion’s Gate that a shift came about. I was looking forward to having some downtime, even alone-time during this magical event. Driving home in silence, Cinnamon was on the passenger seat and it would be just her and me this evening. Before I knew it I was mentally thanking the creator for various things. For my experiences, finding the strengths, seeing things through, the lessons, the insights, the growths, the becoming and hell…I felt gratitude even for the pain I have been feeling. And believe me to feel and say this is huge given how debilitated i have felt as of lately. Now, driving in silence and the radio never getting any action anymore, I embraced it all. I knew it had purpose, even if it’s hard to see at times and it doesn’t always make sense. I did know that the pain and taking me so far out of my comfort zone had led to things like learning about myself, about self love, forgiveness, letting go, doing the hard but much needed work, the scary bits and the tough ones, appreciation for my body – my sacred vessel, and being grateful of whoever shows up as a guest in my house and more.
Arrived at the tiny abode, I put my groceries up and stored other goods newly acquired. I showered and didn’t even eat dinner. It was getting late and a last potty trip with Cinnamon around 9PM marked the end of chores with the remaining time left to myself. However long I wanted it to be. I laid down and played some soft ambient music. Dim lights throughout the room added to the feel and broke the darkness. Soon I was taking it all in. I’ve noticed that I had full range of motion in my hands and was able to make a fist with ease. It was a first in weeks. To amplify and support the healing I decided to hold my “Golden Healer Quartz” in my left hand and just let myself drift and be guided. The soft music felt wonderful and I could feel my whole body relax. Soon I connected with Mom in the energetic and told her why I had to let go of some beliefs and strongholds that were unhealthy and toxic for me. It was a brief encounter and not something up for debate. A soul contract needed to be released, and all that was required was for me to say it and acknowledge it. I stayed meditating for well over an hour, carried away by music, holding my quartz in one hand, while resting my other hand on Cinnamon’s back, who had closely snuggled up to me. Again I was revisiting gratitude for all my experiences and embraced my life, including all it’s ups and downs.
The next morning I woke up, energized and in next to no pain which takes me back to the beginning of this post and my pondering about the key ingredient. What it boils down for me is belief. I know that if I don’t believe, hope dwindles fast and darkness sets in quickly. When I don’t believe my tank is empty and I’m running on precious reserves. My outlook can’t sustain being positive and everything becomes a downward spiral. This little break in pain was all that was needed to spark belief and therefore hope anew. I realize I am still on shaky ground, and as a matter of fact I’ve been here, many of times. Each time I believed. Believed it to be different, remembering how I felt that night of the powerful Lions Gate or some other past event. I was using that energy, that shift to build on, to grow on and to go from there.
Suddenly I remembered something. A few years ago I made a crayon project. I glued various colors of crayons on a black canvas. On the bottom of the canvas in big letters, I had written the word “Believe.” I melted the crayons and allowed the wax to drip downwards without covering the word. I gifted the painting and never realized the importance of this piece until now. It was a message for what’s to come, to always keep belief within my heart, to always see me through. It makes sense now and today I’d say that it is a key ingredient to guide us through life and all it’s obstacles and lessons. As far as my crayon project goes, I’m smiling, convinced that there are no ordinary moments.