Birthday week always leaves me a little uneasy and feeling blue. For many years Mom and I celebrated our Birthdays one day apart, hers on the 19th of July and mine on the 20th. I still hear her telling me that I should have hurried up coming into this world so we could have celebrated on the same day. In many ways it always felt like the same day, one (two) long day (s) rolled into one celebration.
Today it starts and it’s Mom’s birthday. It’s the second year since her passing and birthday week has not been the same since. It brings pains and sorrows, a love unexpressed although I talk to her often and she is aware of what’s in my heart. My own birthday has changed too, and I’m the one still here, the one left behind. A shadow lingers no matter how hard anyone tries to make it special. Sadness creeps up and the memories are still bittersweet. It’s hard to be happy and carefree, hard to enjoy your special day when you are still missing the one that used to be such a big part of that day. Perhaps it will always be this way, until the end of my time now.
I marked the picture above as one of my favorite pictures of Mom (on the left). It was taken in 2018, celebrating her birthday at her favorite medieval castle. She was already in a wheelchair but thanks to family and friends we made it possible to take her out of the nursing home for a special celebration. I wrote about it before but this picture has something else. Something exclusive to me. It was the look on Moms face when I look at this picture. Blame, anger, hard feelings towards me, disbelief, disgust, unworthiness, it all had vanished in that moment and transformed into love, forgiveness and gratefulness. I can see it in her face and it is a picture that speaks a thousand words to me. She never had to tell me and yet I knew how much that day meant to her. And because of it this day will forever be special to me and this picture will always be one of my favorites.
Happy Birthday Mom, I still miss you, my mind still talks to you, my heart still looks for you, but my soul knows that you are at peace and relieved from all pain.