The pain body was reaching havoc last week, leaving me in pretty bad shape. When it happens it’s always on the emotional level as well as the physical one. It’s almost what I would imagine entering a state of depression must feel like. I try to understand the lesson (s) and you’d think that now that I left a toxic life behind, and can pursue my most authentic self, now that I have the freedom to do as I please it would look much different. At least I thought it would…and ahhh…there it is, did I set myself up for failed expectations? Another root evil I won’t get into right now.
In all honesty, I didn’t know what to expect and I tried to go with my own motto of going with the flow, let life develop and unfold as it must, but deep down we always hope for the best and see things through rose colored glasses, don’t we? Sometimes it induces us to hold expectations even if we don’t do it via the direct route. We don’t see things for what they are while we yearn for different and can’t stay where we are. When we feel the need for change and a time of transition. Staying at the same crossroads becomes unbearable and anything has to be better than this, right? It might be so but seldom is it perfect, and seldom do we step into a perfect new situation. New challenges and problems await, even if they are different, they still share the same familiarity, the same foundation. For instance: While we quit one job, thinking the new one will be much better, different issues await, with different people, and new scenarios. What I didn’t expect was all the physical pain that would come my way, although I’ve put my body through hell. I thought it could finally rest, heal and mend, but this hasn’t been the case. Maybe in a physical sense, there is no more heavy lifting and pushing beyond exhaustion, but there is still a lot of emotional baggage, and I’ve always known that it adds and promotes my pain.
A few weeks ago I’ve reached to over the counter pain killers and it was a big step as I don’t like them. “Temporary” was my saving grace and what I wanted to focus on, but they have left me hanging, bringing me little to no relief. Yesterday morning I was at an all time low. It’s territory I know too well, and I wish I was unaware of it, never having encountered it. It frightens the daylight out of me, but on the flip side I know that even that has a part and without it I wouldn’t be who I am. The only question is “is it a good or bad thing?” Some days I don’t know, especially when I feel vulnerable because of the pain body. Some days I see the amazing light that shines within and other days I see a big mess within. It’s the kind of low when you can’t pick yourself up anymore and there seems to be no way out of the slump. A low where you just want the pain to end, any which way, but end. Where your willpower and fighter spirit vanishes before your eyes. Where all your knowledge and even your positivity goes out the door. Where you feel so raw, emotional and vulnerable, and cry in an instance at anything and everything because life doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure when that happened either and when I became so emotionally vulnerable. Some days I just don’t understand it and the lesson is well hidden. A sign that I am still not ready to move on and that more work is required. That’s how dark life feels during one of these lows.
And then I reached for the “big guys”, steroids, leftovers from a prior awful bad episode with the RA. Meds I had for years, long expired, for one of those rainy days moments when everything else has failed. That moment has arrived and there is no need to savor them any longer, but perhaps not use them all. Will they help being expired for years? Maybe I can trick myself into believing that the horrible side effects have lost their potency while the healing properties are still intact. Am I entering a placebo phase? It got so bad I had to try, and this was to be another “temporary.” I hope to kickstart things so I can function at least. So I can sleep maybe a whole night or even several hours in row. That would be a dream. Where I don’t have to strain trying to dress or comb my hair in agony. Another dream….
I think I’m on the mend emotionally, at least for the moment while I am writing this, and I’m optimistic at this very minute. I know it can change quickly and there is more work to be done before I can convince myself that this is a true statement. For the moment I take it and enjoy that I can grab a little glimmer of light while staying in the darkness a little longer. Hello darkness my old friend, we are definitely not strangers, you and I. The darkness and pain are some of our greatest teachers and I am so willing to do the work. But does it really have to hurt sooo badly?
I ‘m an awful mess, physically and emotionally. I have become somewhat of a hermit, withdrawn, lonely, missing some special people in my life and yet wanting to be alone. Is this the point I am turning into my mother? I have felt so raw and emotional that naturally it comes to mind that something must be wrong with me. I’ve even read up about depression as it surely feels like it on some days. It could also be an issue with my thyroid which I actually believe is the culprit and which mimics depression symptoms along other problems like being unable to lose weight. But hey I did lose ten more pounds over the last month and was happy to see the results.
Like I said more work is needed and transformational work is hard work, no doubt. No wonder so many shy away from it, it would definitely be a lot easier to give up and yet something tells me that I have to continue on this journey and see it through. That there is no other way and that I have come too far to throw in the towel. So onward I go, sometimes walking, skipping, happy and eager, and sometimes crawling on all fours or limping, but I am moving and any progress is progress…so mote it be…