I woke up blue today and it’s just one of these days. There was no reason to pinpoint as to why I felt so vulnerable, but was this really surprising considering everything that’s been going on! I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed and face the day. It would be filled like all others lately, more of the same old, praying to find some energy and forcing beyond exhaustion to get done what needs to be done. Tempers would have to be faced and who knew who I’d meet and find in my husband today. Would it be Dr Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I didn’t feel strong and up to withstand whatever wrath was waiting for me. Whatever emotional heartstrings would be pulled in moments of unexpected kindness and whatever sadness would creep into my day somehow. I was tired of being strong, to fight through it yet another day. Peace and quiet was what I wanted, but it would have to wait. Even the weather would cause a strain with temperatures well into the mid to upper 80’s and the forecast was heating up even more. Too hot to be working and fighting exhaustion. Limbs would be swollen and what required effort already would only be multiplied in the days ahead. Did I really think that I had any reserves left in the tank or was I just wishfully hoping!
Finally I got up and the husband was struggling too. Not emotionally but physically and he was grumpy and irritated. Soon he would be yelling at someone on the phone for causing him some kind of disturbance and inconvenience. And I’d be in tears because I’m not sure what right he thinks he has to talk to people this way. Because I’d be reminded exactly why we are here at this very point and why we are going separate ways. He was still not getting it and karma was finding him over and over, but tell him that what he sends out into the universe is coming righty back to him, and he’d say that he doesn’t need a lecture. No lecture was intended, perhaps just a plea for him to consider.
A picture arrived via WhatsApp from my dear cousin in Germany. A picture of Mom and Dad’s grave, freshly planted for summer, beautiful and the love and care was obvious that went into the design and the final outcome. All of a sudden it made sense why I felt so vulnerable. It wasn’t just because of the strain of the last few months, parting with some important things, downsizing, letting go, the heartache, the emotional and physical burden, the stress and strain of dissolving a marriage and life of nearly 30 years, it was also the responsibility in Germany that still awaits, bringing honor to Mom’s legacy, the house, the grave and so much more that contributed to this morning. I feel I channeled the energy and the picture was confirmation and my answer as to why I felt so raw. All of a sudden it made perfect sense.
In reality I realized that this trigger was necessary. I am in need of a good cry. A really good cry, the one that let’s it all out and doesn’t hold anything back. I can’t remember the last time I had one and that itself is a problem. It’s not because there is no cause to have one but rather a lack of releasing this painful energy. Not even for that is time right now and in good old German fashion I am holding my shit together and power through the days. I need to release some pain, I need to be held, I need a shoulder to cry on and I need to let it go. All of it. And tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I get to try all over again.