I am the cause of your pain and therefore I must be punished. According to you. The treatment depends on your mood and the severity of my violation. Be it with silence, contempt, verbal abuse, threats and other nasties, none of them are pleasant.
You are unable to control your anger and you see yourself as a victim. Someone that has been discarded and is no longer wanted. I threw you to the curb you say, walking away from a life of 25 years. It’s actually 27 years, but hey…
We are both exhausted and are running on fumes, there is no time to rest, yet. You force things loading up the vehicle, causing them to break. I say, “was that really necessary to fit into this particular load, or could it have gone with the next one, perhaps in one piece, not scratched to hell or damaged.
Everything that is happening now is one major disappointment in life for you. You don’t own any part of it, and you don’t treat me badly you say. You also don’t see how much my heart bleeds, be it from your verbal abuse, your behavior, you not knowing a damn thing about me anymore, you belittling me, making me feel like I am an awful person, treating me like a child, not seeing the tears that fall in the shower or behind closed doors, or simply because you can’t acknowledge and realize how hard this all is. Even for me, the big bad Wolf that is throwing you to the curb. And you definitely don’t see the times my heart hurts for you, worries about you, feels sad for you and breaks to pieces.
It makes no sense how you hold on to shreds of hope when you have nothing nice to say about me. Why would you even want to if I am such an awful person? I realize that I am the cause of your pain and that this is how you view me. I know that it is my decision that is causing you a great deal of discomfort and that is taken you out of your comfort zone, and the familiar day to day routine. I know you are afraid and with 2 weeks left, you still have no place to go. You still dish it out and it’s because your pride and ego that you can’t consider things don’t have to be this way. Do we have to go the eye for an eye route?
These days are filled with ups and downs, a constant rollercoaster. Your mood fluctuates greatly and there is no knowing what moment are fear driven and cause those reactions. Also patience is none existent anymore and I am not allowed to not hear a thing, you’d take it as me not paying attention. I am not allowed to miss something or simply forget what you already told me. “I already told you” you shout, quickly pointing out my flaws while you are perfect. I’d say we should give each other a break. With everything going on and everything we had to deal with, can we really expect to be a 100% attentive, that nothing slips through the cracks? You don’t realize that you don’t communicate well. Things change daily you say, except you don’t tell me the change and you get frustrated when I go by the old, last known information. Things changed in your mind, but how could I know?
And when the nasties subside, sometimes a glimmer comes back of the man I married. I see you fighting your own tears. I see you struggle and in that moment everything is forgiven and my heart is heavy because even now I would do everything to spare you any and all pain. You wouldn’t understand if I said this to you, and you would question why I am leaving if this is the case. I have forgiven you many times, and you are not the only one at fault. I am not innocent either and I accept my shortcomings. Believe me when I say that I am not proud of them. But I can’t forget and the same ways, the same lies, and dishonesty has never changed since. You have pointed out so much of what is wrong with me, that I feel awful around you, constantly trying to defend my character. I hate who I have become around you and it goes against everything I believe in. I tiptoe, try to read your mood, so I can adjust my own. You do the sweetest things, things that show you care, things that take my breath away and leave me in awe, knowing deep down you are a good person. And then it flips and you drop me from that mountain top, from that high into the deepest and darkest crevice.
I wish things wouldn’t be this way, but they are and perhaps I have to realize that this is normal. I have to get used to the idea of thinking of me with contempt. Of you thinking of my name with hate flowing through your veins. It’s hard and despite all the pain I feel each day, I still choose love and patience, my two swords that got me through so much before. I refuse to see you in the same light as you view me. It is unconditional and yet I have to put myself first this time and love myself enough to walk a different path.