Posted in Divorce, Life, Marriage

The cause of your pain

I am the cause of your pain and therefore I must be punished. According to you. The treatment depends on your mood and the severity of my violation. Be it with silence, contempt, verbal abuse, threats and other nasties, none of them are pleasant.

You are unable to control your anger and you see yourself as a victim. Someone that has been discarded and is no longer wanted. I threw you to the curb you say, walking away from a life of 25 years. It’s actually 27 years, but hey…

We are both exhausted and are running on fumes, there is no time to rest, yet. You force things loading up the vehicle, causing them to break. I say, “was that really necessary to fit into this particular load, or could it have gone with the next one, perhaps in one piece, not scratched to hell or damaged.

Everything that is happening now is one major disappointment in life for you. You don’t own any part of it, and you don’t treat me badly you say. You also don’t see how much my heart bleeds, be it from your verbal abuse, your behavior, you not knowing a damn thing about me anymore, you belittling me, making me feel like I am an awful person, treating me like a child, not seeing the tears that fall in the shower or behind closed doors, or simply because you can’t acknowledge and realize how hard this all is. Even for me, the big bad Wolf that is throwing you to the curb. And you definitely don’t see the times my heart hurts for you, worries about you, feels sad for you and breaks to pieces.

It makes no sense how you hold on to shreds of hope when you have nothing nice to say about me. Why would you even want to if I am such an awful person? I realize that I am the cause of your pain and that this is how you view me. I know that it is my decision that is causing you a great deal of discomfort and that is taken you out of your comfort zone, and the familiar day to day routine. I know you are afraid and with 2 weeks left, you still have no place to go. You still dish it out and it’s because your pride and ego that you can’t consider things don’t have to be this way. Do we have to go the eye for an eye route?

These days are filled with ups and downs, a constant rollercoaster. Your mood fluctuates greatly and there is no knowing what moment are fear driven and cause those reactions. Also patience is none existent anymore and I am not allowed to not hear a thing, you’d take it as me not paying attention. I am not allowed to miss something or simply forget what you already told me. “I already told you” you shout, quickly pointing out my flaws while you are perfect. I’d say we should give each other a break. With everything going on and everything we had to deal with, can we really expect to be a 100% attentive, that nothing slips through the cracks? You don’t realize that you don’t communicate well. Things change daily you say, except you don’t tell me the change and you get frustrated when I go by the old, last known information. Things changed in your mind, but how could I know?

And when the nasties subside, sometimes a glimmer comes back of the man I married. I see you fighting your own tears. I see you struggle and in that moment everything is forgiven and my heart is heavy because even now I would do everything to spare you any and all pain. You wouldn’t understand if I said this to you, and you would question why I am leaving if this is the case. I have forgiven you many times, and you are not the only one at fault. I am not innocent either and I accept my shortcomings. Believe me when I say that I am not proud of them. But I can’t forget and the same ways, the same lies, and dishonesty has never changed since. You have pointed out so much of what is wrong with me, that I feel awful around you, constantly trying to defend my character. I hate who I have become around you and it goes against everything I believe in. I tiptoe, try to read your mood, so I can adjust my own. You do the sweetest things, things that show you care, things that take my breath away and leave me in awe, knowing deep down you are a good person. And then it flips and you drop me from that mountain top, from that high into the deepest and darkest crevice.

I wish things wouldn’t be this way, but they are and perhaps I have to realize that this is normal. I have to get used to the idea of thinking of me with contempt. Of you thinking of my name with hate flowing through your veins. It’s hard and despite all the pain I feel each day, I still choose love and patience, my two swords that got me through so much before. I refuse to see you in the same light as you view me. It is unconditional and yet I have to put myself first this time and love myself enough to walk a different path.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

12 thoughts on “The cause of your pain

  1. It does indeed become a constant roller coaster, never knowing who you will meet in the same person…or for that matter in our own. But like all change it will test you first and ask where are you going. And if you are like 99.9% of the population you haven’t got a clue…just not where you now are. Our hearts know this, we just stagger with its implications…and the unknown.
    Big hugs dear lady, may it become clear as the tears wash away those fears that no longer belong in your heart ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I must belong to that rare .10%, knowing where I am going. I have a rough outline and it’s enough. Glimpses of the future have been revealed and it is promising, although adjustment time is needed and it doesn’t change the fact that now is still hard. Now the sandpaper still moves across my face and it will take time to heal. 🙏🏼🦋💙

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I once attended a gathering where the leader was asked, “Why are more people not enlightened?” The reply? “Because we have not yet suffered enough.” That answer would not leave me alone and I reflected a long time on its implications. At least three individuals that I take to be enlightened suffered. Jesus, spending 40 days and 40 nights in the desert (surely the “desert” is just a metaphor for our own everyday lives – a place apart from the Ineffable.) prior to his enlightenment. Siddhartha, who had given up material wealth and was in despair prior to his awakening. And the author of “Dark Night of the Soul,” St. John of the Cross, writing while in prison.

    And eventually I realised that suffering, at least emotional suffering, arises from within oneself, and hence can be moderated through intention. Here’s what Marcus Aurelius has to say:

    “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
    ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

    And so what is the ideal response to distress? Here is a Zen parable:

    In a remote village in Japan there lived a Zen master named Hakuin. He practised the pure and simple life of a monk.

    One day, a beautiful, unmarried girl in the village fish market was discovered to be with child. As it was a conservative village, the family was furious. The girl refused to say who the father was, but under pressure, she finally admitted that the father was the master Hakuin.

    In great anger the family confronted the master. They asked him, “How could you have betrayed our trust so badly?” Hakuin’s only response was to say gently, “Is that so?”

    Hakuin’s reputation was destroyed, but he did not appear to mind. When the baby was born it was brought to Hakuin. He took great care of the child, though he now had to beg to survive. The villagers would scorn him, saying, “We will never forget that you betrayed our trust, you miserable man.” Each time, Hakuin replied gently, “Is that so?”

    Several years later, the young mother confessed the truth: the baby’s father was not Hakuin, but another young man from the village who had not been willing to accept his obligation, so she had accused the monk knowing that he would do the right thing.

    The villagers went to Hakuin to request the return of the child, saying, “We are so sorry, how could we ever have believed this of you?”

    Giving back to the family the child who had become his own, Hakuin said gently, “Is that so?”

    You go to a movie and watch shadows cast by a bright light through a strip of plastic onto a white screen. Some scenes are sufficiently poignant to bring tears to your eyes. Is this real? The screen is real. The film is real. And the projector’s light is real too. But this “reality” is only a representation of something we can imagine to be real, and hence empathise with. Our surroundings are analogous to that theatre. The Zen master realised he was in a “movie theatre” and he could therefore let unpleasant external circumstances “pass through” him without causing distress.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Again I have to thank you for sharing this with me and for taking the time. It meant a lot. 🙏🏼💙
      And again I relate to the statement of n out having achieved enlightenment because there wasn’t enough suffering yet. It is that we learn our biggest lessons and teachings through adversity. How else would we take note unless it hurts like hell. We would miss it altogether and that halt, that abrupt stop is needed to stop us in our tracks.
      Another form of enlightenment like explained here is when we achieve that we no longer feel the need to justify and explain ourselves. We want to be understood and accepted, we love to contribute and see value in our worth through it. But really we have little control over what others think of us. To Carr about everyone but not what they think about us, is the trick here.
      Namaste 🙏🏼💙

      Like

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