Amor-Vincit-Omnia PT 4

Prior segments to this story can be found here.

By now, dishonesty turned into a common way of life for you and the hesitation to tell a lie completely faded. If you ever struggled with it in the past, there was no sign of it left. Of course I can never say this is for certain, but it definitely felt this way. It became so easy and what I didn’t know wouldn’t cause any problems. Whether it was a lie, a half truth or truth withheld, it all went seem less and without the blink of an eye. From time to time I question things, only to you telling me that I am just like my mother. It wasn’t a compliment and you never meant it in a good way. Actually I think it’s wrong for you to say this and you should be respectful that you got to meet her, just like I have always been respectful of meeting yours. Both of these ladies have fought battles in their lives that we can’t even begin to imagine. Are we really to judge what we might perceive as a flaw that is actually a wound created from hardship and adversity!!! Perhaps we should hope that we turn out better and ace life perfectly and even here I would say “nobody is perfect, we all have our flaws.” May the next person go gently with us and not behave in this manner.

You say I am unable to leave things in the past. You are talking about prior mistakes and I wonder how I could when you give me daily reasons that send my gut feeling into a panic! I don’t know how to leave things in the past when my face gets rubbed into it over and over again, when things happen right under my nose as if I am stupid. The same stories continue. The past had no change to mend, so it remains as an open wound, not a scar but a wound in healed. There are numerous examples such as quickly putting the phone down, as soon as I walk in the room, clearing the computer screen, only to get right back to it as soon as I leave? A couple of months ago I bluffed you, asking you to show me your phone. You wouldn’t and called it an invasion of privacy. A principle that would have been violated. I asked you if you’d show it to me if this would save your marriage. Your response was “no” and you’d rather walk away. This response truly said it all, and little did you realize the consequences that could come of it. Surely it wasn’t the deciding factor but it was the icing on the cake.

Our house has sold and we have roughly two weeks left here. This should be the time of our life, filled with excitement of where the journey takes us, but in reality it is taking us separate ways. You still have hope that I am starting a new life with you somewhere and I wonder how I could do this! We can’t agree, we fight and disrespect each other daily, and the foundation of trust, honesty and love that I find is so essential for a healthy relationship, has crumbled into fine sand.

You don’t see how broken I have been, how lost, how sad, how depressed and even suicidal at times. Or do you see it and it just doesn’t matter? You cry seeing something on TV that touches your heart, yet there are no such emotions in any shape or form for me. You continue with what’s important to you, business as usual, always deflecting, never accepting any fault, and it’s heart breaking. I believe we both deserve much better. And in my heart I don’t want to spend the rest of my life merely being tolerated, I would rather be alone. And I would rather not contribute to causing you a bad day.

We will pull a substantial profit from this house. A windfall that will mainly go to you alone to start the life you see fit. Why would I do this and not take you for every penny of the proceeds? I’m not that person although many would say “money is money.” It’s enough for me that we will both be taken care of. For myself, I am going back to Germany to take care of Mom’s house, the place that is in dire repair and which you made fun of and talked poorly about so many times. Strange to think now that there was a point and time I thought we’d actually retire in Germany. Together. Many many years have passed since that original thought. It hurts to see how everything has turned out, but I know the only way now is to go our separate ways.

In the end we did accomplish something with the house many others may not in their lifetime.

In the end I am convinced that we are not right for each other anymore, nor have we been for a long time.

In the end I forgive you and don’t hold on to any hard feelings. I don’t have any grudge and remember the times we were unstoppable, inseparable and a team that couldn’t be beat.

In the end I wished I could have been closer to your family. Your brothers and your sister, but I couldn’t hide what was going on, pretend knowing that perhaps they have already heard your side of the story. I am not sure they need to hear mine. I don’t want to instill any negatives. I hope you will take the chance to embrace them at a closer level than you have been.

In the end we can’t conquer what comes next when the love has gone. I wish you the best and that you find what you need, or someone that makes you happy. I always thought that I was that person, but you have convinced me differently and I am sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed after all.