Posted in Divorce, Life, My story

The day of…

It was the weekend, Saturday to be exact, first day of the two consecutive open house days. It was a strange feeling to say the least.

The morning started out hectic, despite of getting up early and giving myself plenty of time to get everything tickety-boo for the event. The dishes from breakfast were washed, dried and put away, Cinnamons toys gathered, bathrooms touched up, and any personal traces were minimized or eliminated all together. I felt irritated and out of patience. With what? I can’t actually say, perhaps out of patience for having endured way too long. A sadness filled me as I looked around this shell of a house that took on the view of a model home, a place for show, with nothing more. Even the memories were fading. More and more it became a shelter as more and more finishing touches were removed. You’d think this would make it easier, but it didn’t for some reason.

I’m not sure why I felt so overcome. I envisioned this day for a long time and now that it was finally here, was on a different scale, and like nothing one can ever imagine. Fact is we can always see the rational side of everything, but it’s hard to factor in the emotional world. This was the perfect time to sell, the perfect time to finally look after myself, and the perfect time to answer a higher calling. I knew all of that, along with how many sad and lonely years had passed. Years, shorting myself, cheating myself out of what I rightfully deserved.

I’ve read the signs, heard the call, and this morning I woke to the constant, getting louder call of a Crow. “Expect big changes very soon” was part of the message he brought me. The universe was also supporting me now, the problem was that I just wasn’t supporting myself, and that’s where the struggle came into play. As always I put everybody else before me, so why should this be different! I was moving no ward on the path and also there was no stopping now, nobody ever said that it’ll be easy.

People were saying “here we go” or “good luck today” and somehow I couldn’t manage to fully take it in. I’m merely shrugged my shoulders, asking myself what luck had to do with it. It was always going to end this way, the question was only “when?” Everything was running smooth for the most part, and I knew that I was creating my own stress and disturbance, yet I couldn’t help it. In a way I just had to feel it all. The life I knew was coming to an end. A chapter was closing, actually several chapters, and each one was huge. The very life that caused me so much pain, turning me into someone I didn’t want to be. A life with my walls up in self defense, tolerated, but far from loved. Hallelujah you would think I’d say, hardly able to wait to move on, and yet it wasn’t so. There wasn’t a feeling of celebrating but more a sense of feeling defeated. There was a war within and I had no reason to feel defeated or like I lost. I had given it my best shot, more of me I’d ever thought possible and yet leaving it behind was so hard. I know that even if a bidding war starts over the house or full offers come in, it’s likely not going to change how I feel right now. Like everything else it needs time to heal and 27 years are a big part of anyone’s life.

I know that I will look back and I know one day I will be glad when this is behind me. I know that what awaits is a richer life quality and a more peaceful existence for myself. Yet I can’t seem to focus on what will be because it is the “now” I have to deal with, and so much work awaits. I’m tired, my heart yearns for that solitude, the silence and putting the struggles beyond me. Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing now, I asked myself and of course it is. What strange roles I play right now. Feeling wounded in some ways and also being the one consoling myself, because I, my higher self, my soul knows that it is the only way.

It was a very strange feeling this morning while I was driving away from the house, leaving it with practical strangers, allowing the realtors to do their job while entrusting your most sacred and personal spaces to them. It almost felt like a violation of some sort. Luckily the day got better after an almost hour long car ride in silence.

Sunday was a bit easier and things fell quickly into an almost routine. In the end the open house was kind of a flop and the start spring (it snowed on the Spring Equinox) and spring break actually hindered the traffic coming through the house. Guess we are trying next weekend again and bought a little extra time to prepare.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

26 thoughts on “The day of…

  1. Ah dear lady, I can hear a heart going through such pain. So much is connected to there…and silently breaking free. Your already in front of anywhere you’ve ever been, stepping through the deepest part of the river. Going back or forward is the same distance…but forward is a gift beyond words. As I left my home, wife, family it wasn’t an easy task, even signing a lease for the first time in my new home was a bit of a shock as it felt so ‘permanent’. But then something happened, I could see what I had been and it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. Treading water for…some-thing…some-what…some-me to break free of what was, after I had admitted it to myself, a very stagnant way of being. Nothing felt right, was going forward, was even happy in any way. I would kid myself but I knew it was just my fears keeping me in there, that place. So I decided then and there to ‘look’ into my heart and asked ‘that question’. I’m so used to ‘sharing’ life with someone else…but what did I want to do. My heart, my direction, my path. I now had a whole new world to do me…so I did. And I looked back many times and found that I never regretted any of it, simply because it did in fact ask me to face those things that were holding me back. Now I sing to the dolphins as they swim by, chat to the magpies about their day…and if I’m lucky, I score a coffee and sit by the water and ‘hear’ life and appreciate it because I can. The other ‘life’ no longer binds me…so set me free. Go for a walk dear lady, it has a story to tell…yours ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is a pain necessary my friend and it’s a pain of finally becoming free. This pain has been there for far too long and it can’t go on anymore.
      I am not at the same distance anymore and more and more of this is falling behind me and pain or not, it is how it needs to be and I know that. I see a better life ahead but it’s still a bit hard to Wade through the dirty to get there. I am doing it.
      I am at that point of something happened and I’m no longer willing to tread water. Regardless of how hard the process is, it is also immensely empowering and I feel lighter, like I can actually breathe with every step. All this has taken so long because I never wanted to look back and have regrets. I had to know in my heart that I gave it all and tried everything, but in the end we can not be responsible for the choices others make and we have to accept.
      One day it will make one heck of story to tell. Hell, it already is. 🦋🙏🏼

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dear lady, that is a beautiful reply. It shows that human spirit in daring to pick a flower or take on the hordes…but knowing you no longer have to. Take a bow, your heart is showing a brighter shade of love, the one that will light your way 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I hear you, dear Rhapsody ❤
    It isn't easy to break free and less to appreciate it in the beginning, no matter how much you know, this is and will be the right for you.
    At least you are not alone, you do have lovely Cinnamon, who is there for you all the time.
    My first time here in Germany wasn't easy either and I knew very well, it was the right to do.
    After some time I appreciate life much better and more.
    Much love and huge hugs for you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know you are right Irene. I just hope it’s not going to be a nasty custody battle about Cinnamon and I have to trust that everything will fall into place. It’s not really what any of us need right now and the whole story is sad enough. Of course I will want what’s best for her and having to go to Germany to take care of the house won’t be easy with a pet. I so pray everything goes well. 💙💙💙

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If you plan to go back to live in US again after you have done, what you need to in Germany, it will be long travel to bring Cinnamon at. In that case you might need help for her in US, while you are away. Maybe you can share her <3, at least for a while.
        Wish you all the best ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I hope all will fall into place with that and that was exactly why I didn’t want to get tied down with an animal. But she came into my life for a reason and I wouldn’t change that for anything. She is a special little soul with a hugest heart. 💙

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Be Strong, Dear!! I know you will! We are with you and keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.
    I’m thinking you may be feeling the way I did when I walked the hallways at college listening to the echo of my shoes on the floor and that feeling in your heart, soul and stomach that things will never be the same and a new life has arrived. Leaves you wondering and hopeful too. Maybe a little bittersweet too. All to be tasted!
    xoxox 💕😘💖🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Perfectly out my friend and your words resonate. It’s bittersweet, sad in some ways and yet hopeful and exiting. I trust the universe has a plan and all is as it needs to be. Thank you for your kind words and beautiful comment. And much love to you my friend. Xo💙🤗💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahh, Yes! The best thing is not always the easiest thing to do, is it? I am so happy you are strong and dealing with the situation! Bittersweet covers it, doesn’t it. So here is a little assignment if you dare? Write a poem/piece titled Bittersweet and capture in the beauty and strength of your words your thoughts, feeling and issues. I think you will be very proud of what some thinking and pondering and then writing will create for you and us who I hope you will share with! A little dare? LOL
        LAH My Dear!!
        xoxox 😊💕💖🌹

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No pain no gain, right? Ahhh I love the assignment, although I struggle to write a subject on command. I shall let it sit with myself until the inspiration comes to dig into this one. I can see the benefit doing it, processing the emotions while writing it. 😉 I promise that I’m not swallowing these feelings either way and I’m letting them and go as they must. Thanks for the dare my friend. Challenge accepted for some day some time 🤗😝
        Xoxoxo 💙🙏🏼

        Liked by 1 person

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