Continuation from prior Post
Over the years I have felt that I never got to say goodbye to Dad. I don’t know if it was always on a conscious level, but now I knew that this was the case. I felt that I never got to tell him how much I loved him and how much I miss him now. How much I wished to hear his voice or just have a father daughter conversation. Journeying with these intentions and all the feelings bubbled up from the full moon energy felt most powerful and emotional for me. I must have cried through the entire process of telling him so. Many feelings and sentiments were exchanged and one very important discovery was made.
It was during my second inner child healing that I was recalling a day in 2018, a day like any other when I was visiting Mom in the nursing home. Somehow we got into a squabble which ended up in a bad fight. It was always hard to talk to Mom about emotional things. Just being vulnerable required a huge amount of courage, but in actuality any kind of conversation felt this way when she was angry or didn’t see eye to eye. She would never really engage, it just wasn’t something she could do, although there were a few times I felt she wanted to. Her feelings were always well hidden away, under lock down, sealed with the key thrown away. It was during the argument that I was frantically trying to explain myself to her. I always had hopes that this would be the time, that she could see my side, and that maybe her opinion of me would change. I wanted to accepted and loved by her so much. Her approval was something I had chased all my life.
After Dad’s passing and being the only “thing” left in Mom’s life, I took on the responsibility of making Mom happy. I stepped into Dad’s role, thinking it was up to me now to make sure Mom was taken care of. Except I never succeeded and what developed over the years was a belief that I only brought disappointments. Leaving Mom behind in Germany, a failed marriage, not giving her grand children, it was a number of things that didn’t make her proud of me.
And here we sat and it all came down to this moment. Nothing was held back in my frantic plea until she finally took a moment, looked at me and said “well, then we ruined each other.” It was awful and I still feel the sadness of that moment, of that perception I never wanted to be the truth.
That moment came up in my journey as I was seeing Dad. I could hear Mom saying “well, then we ruined each other.” While standing in the glow of Dad’s embrace I heard her voice and I heard myself respond to her sentence by saying “and now I am going to heal us both.”
To be continued…