Where do I even start with this one? Why does it still matter, now after days have passed? I don’t have to vent anymore and God knows this post has been rescheduled and rewritten a hundred times.
I think I know the answer and it stands to aid nobody but me. It serves as a learning process to dig into the deeper workings of myself. How I operate, react, feel and handle things. How I learn my lessons and ultimately mold into who I am. It brings awareness to how it all comes to be, so I can understand the process.
Be forewarned though, I have a feeling it will be a long post.
It started the beginning of the year when I got a surprise message with a New Years wish. Nothing uncommon really unless it’s from someone you really are not in contact anymore. The split was a mutual agreement, although not initiated by me, but in the end for reasons understood and I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.
I’m still figuring out if this message was a surprise, a happy one, or a message that might have set me back initially.
The message came from someone I once felt very close to, who was there during a crucial time in my life and who got me through a whole lot while I was caring for Mom. And I believe I equally got her through a few things she was dealing with. It sounds like an exchange of services. Angels that come into our life’s for a period of time before moving on again. Angels we lean on or help in their own journey. Still nothing out of the ordinary or that unusual.
Mom was very sick and while she was fighting for her life, I was by her side, fighting for her love, her acceptance – as her daughter and her willingness to accept help from me. It was a rough time and I developed a very close bond to this person on the sidelines, who would pick me up and gave me hope, strengths and motivation to see it all through.
Now months later, after no significant exchanges, this message caught me off guard, a message that perhaps in my own sense of awareness or unawareness questioned my wholeness in regards to the situation. I realized that closure wasn’t mine yet. I was still stuck on the pain of losing such connection. If I thought I was over it, I must have fooled myself.
At first it felt nice and my heart was touched by the message, leaving me with a sense of being remembered. I was grateful for the thoughts and wishes, but it soon subsided. On the flip side it brought back an emptiness and sadness. You see, I am one of these people that gives you a forever friendship once I close you into my heart. I have your back with my life, and I have a hard time walking away, even if it is mutually agreed like it was here, and the parting happens on good terms.
So here it was, one unexpected message, and everything bubbled back up. Would it have been better not to hear anything vs getting the message? I honestly can’t tell and it ended up taking me through a few emotions. In the end I got some distance from it, and by now I actually believe that it was needed. It made me face a few things. Even with this post. It was written on that day to clear my mind, and honestly it looked a bit different at first. Even longer and even more detailed, upset in parts, hurt, perhaps disappointed. In some ways not being so understanding but lashing out. Maybe that’s too harsh to call it lashing out, but it was definitely unfiltered.
I am getting off of subject here a little bit, but recently, in a different post, I was asking all versions of myself to join forces and support each other for one common goal. I believe that one of those versions made itself known to me and that a visit from my shadow self begged me to rewrite this post, to soften the hurt bits. The shadow self often represents the struggles in our life’s, carrying our burden and challenges. Leashing out and acting out of character is often referred to as a shadow self response. A moment, an initial reaction, a headed situation, a temper, perhaps the need to get back at someone, revenge and act below, beneath, the way one would normally act. All cases are reactive, something you might say or do in the heat of the moment when someone gets the better of you. Was this the case, had I allowed someone or a situation to get the better of me? I believe it was my shadow self asking me to transform the negativity and hurt into unconditional love.
Here is a little more insight why I struggled with this unexpected message.
“I’m still here, always” it said at the end. Like I got you, I haven’t left, I’m here for you if you need me, if you need to talk, or a shoulder to lean on. At least that’s how I interpreted it, and perhaps there was a time when it was what I had wished for and needed. An invitation to re-connect and like a fool I started blabbering about how much I missed our friendship, how things have not been the same, and that I still believe that there is a soul contract at work here. Yada yada and so on. Honestly I felt like a fool afterwards.
I knew that I had spoken from the heart, that I let it all out, and yet I was almost mad at myself. It must have sounded somewhat desperate. Was this the case and why did it matter? Shouldn’t I have moved on by now? Did I feel mad because of fear to sound dumb, being vulnerable, desperate, volunteering too much, being the first to say so. Surely these feelings wouldn’t stay this way forever. There had to come a time, a point of no return, a point to sever this emptiness and cut all ties in order to move on. Was I saying that this door would never close? My jibber jabber indicated that I’d be here forever, and so what if I was? But that wasn’t the case, was it? I knew that in reality with each passing day the separation only deepened. Maybe I was frantic about it without being conscious of it, fearing this point would be beyond my reach? I was still holding on to a possibility, the endless believer, dreamer, silver lining, supporting positive outcomes person that I am.
Well, after a brief exchange in regards to the message, it ended up not being an invitation to re-connect. It was just a simple, “innocent” wish for the new year. That’s what I was told, but on my end it wasn’t all that simple. It came after weeks and weeks of silence. After a silent Christmas and throughout personal challenges that could have really used someone to “still be there.”
I realize that I’m viewing this thing from all angles, that I am dissecting it into a thousand possibilities, asking the W questions of what if. I am over analyzing it, but in a way I need to, to understand even if no answers can be found. I was contemplating the why now, why was it important to say “happy New Years.” What was it about? Just a spontaneous moment?
It took me back to where we left off, confused, brain washed and unable to rely on my intuition, frantically trying to justify myself, setting the record straight in a desperate attempt to be heard and not falsely accused. Why would I even want that back? The message felt like casting a lure to test the waters and to see what the overall feel was. Was I still there too? And I guess I was, and boy did I ever volunteer the feel of the situation. This paragraph still holds some of the shadow self energy but it is the truth and perhaps will stand as a reason as to why we will never connect again. It would be too much to realize this for you.
If nothing else, it became obvious of how vulnerable the subject still is, how much hope there still was, and how much I still mourned a connection that used to complete my sentences. A connection that truly “got” me. Which always gave me a sense of being understood. I miss this kind of connection and friendship, the sisterhood, the weird tribe that get’s you, the silent language that is confirmed with a smile of knowing that no one else catches. The sincere connection that can exist without any selfish motto’s or what is to gain and in it for oneself. Those are rare and increasingly harder to find.
After responding to the New Years greeting, I learned that we can only meet in the energetic, where it is safe, where neither can harm the other or say something that may be perceived wrong. In the energetic only, where everything is perfect. Where we can create our own outcome to soothe and comfort our minds. I know it’s not that simple and what is revealed to us during those times is so much more, and has little to do with make believe, but still??? It’s a place where no conversations take place, at least not in the physical sense, where one can ask for advice or lean on the other, feeling the benefit and support of such a friendship and soul connection. Could I get to that point of letting this be all, letting it be enough, to fill me completely? Could I envision a hug in the energetic to become more important then a real life hug? It seemed far fetched for me and since I do live in the physical world, I also crave a physical hug/contact. Maybe down the road, some day maybe. Exactly what you said, and while I am one to mostly go with the flow, I’m not sure how I feel about this one. The point of no return dark cloud lingers over me as I think about this.
We have moved from a close friendship to a soul connection only. To answer my above question, it’s not enough for me to be honest. Maybe this kind of connection is the hardest to find and perhaps I should feel blessed. Yet I need more, but what I don’t need is “perfect.” I am not afraid to make mistakes and I don’t place “perfect” expectations on someone. What I need is “real,” where real people do their best, have no intentions of harming the other one, where people will make mistakes along the way, unintentionally, while the other trusts this to be true. I know we both needed more, in different ways and there is much more that could be said, but I’ll leave it here.
This is my question for you…
How can you tell someone I’m still here, always, but only in the energetic sense? I know the answer and you would say to heal, to protect ourselves throughout the process. I feel I should be grateful to know someone who is holding space for me. Being an energy healer myself, I understand the power of the energetic world and it is a beautiful and healing place. I visit it frequently myself, and many of you have been a part of it during my weekly reiki healing sessions.
I guess what I struggle with is the need for perfection and the fear of disappointment. I can’t compete with that, nor can I live with the burden of messing up, of bursting someone’s expectations of me. Of crushing the illusionary image of myself. It’s a non winning battle. I can only be myself but have no control over the perception of someone else. It’s a ticking time bomb when we place expectations onto others and it becomes and unmeasurable burden. It’s a lost case when we don’t give them a chance, or accept them for who they are. Out of fear it turns into control, a defense mechanism to protect oneself at any cost. Even that I understand, but help can only be given during complete surrender and no expectation. During trust and vulnerability.
Today, I am revisiting my sense of wholeness and what it takes to move on. It takes letting go and respecting individual choices, allowing things to be as they are, being and embracing others for who they are, their motives and reasons. It means embracing that beliefs will differ. To let go of an illusion, a wish, the hope and a dream that is one sided and cannot be returned nor shared.
Today I remind myself of my potential, a sense of wholeness and a continuation to heal in whatever way and form one might choose. I am letting go in the physical sense knowing that if there is a need, I can always connect in the energetic. So be it…
This quote comes to mind
“A sense of wholeness can arise when we embrace all the aspects of who we are instead of denying those “selves” that we might find impractical, embarrassing, or intimidating. The ancient symbol of the ouroboros, a snake swallowing it’s tail, reminds us of our potential.”
You have always been fond of snake energy and I have always feared it, not in the symbolic sense but in the physical sense, getting hurt by a snake a few years ago. It’s quite symbolic for me now and I guess there it is, isn’t it. All of a sudden it makes a lot of sense and I am not mad in the least for I have gained much more than I have lost. I am not ashamed of putting my honest feelings out there, of making a fool of myself, fighting for a friendship and everything else I once held dear. I will never regret crossing paths with you and in my book you are still as amazing and powerful as ever. A goddess, a shining light, a gentle and beautiful soul that has endured pains she should never had to. I hope you believe in yourself and find a place in the real world as well while you are still fulfilling this journey of your soul in the physical. I think you are well on to it way, and perhaps my lesson was finally learned. 🙏🏼