The need for more need

Morning dew was evaporating during the first sunlight on this peaceful and serene day. A moment so simple, filled with minimalism and yet it was so profound, peaceful. I could feel it breathing calm and serenity into my existence as a deep sigh left my body. “This is what it’s all about isn’t it” I thought to myself.

Next came the realization of the exact opposite and our need for needing. If this felt so serene and peaceful, why was there even a need for more? And still, it seems like we have all found ourselves in that position before. Whether it is needing material things, affection, love, understanding, to be heard, a friend, a shoulder to lean on or whatever else, it’s part of the human condition.

We all have needs and if those needs are not met, we eventually start to question things. Often it is feeding our need that can produce the effect of making us feel better, when in actuality it is only a temporary solution, a bandaid so to say. You’ve heard of retail therapy for example. Perhaps even having a drink to forget. But isn’t reality always catching up with us, soon or later?

Recently I’ve read that needing is a state of the ego. That the ego tries to convince us that we are empty and need something to feel love, success and happiness.

In fact our true self requires nothing to feel complete. So who is this version of ourselves if not our true self that has such a need? Is there a way to recognize it for what it is, what we could change?

“Needing nothing attracts everything.

If you want to become full, let yourself be empty.

If you want to be reborn, let yourself die.

If you want to be given everything, give up everything.”

~Lao Tzu

Esoteric

Picture: Yahoo

This weeks word addresses something far too many feel in my opinion. It’s a word close to my heart that can bring with it, loneliness, anxiety and a sad and empty feeling. Not only have I experienced it myself but also witnessed it many a times.

The word I am talking about is “Esoteric.” A serious one today and this adjective describes the…

1. intended for or likely to be understood by only a selected few who have special knowledge or interest.
2. Private, secret, confidential, belonging to the selected few.

Perhaps this rings a bell and you have felt like this a time or two. Do you recall the emotions attached to feeling this way? Knowing that you could only share your heart with a few, selected ones. With individual interests that differ greatly from person to person, those few are your tribe and should be cherished?

If this word stirred something in you, I hope that it is positive. While those few are indeed rare, it is with certainty that they do exist and are your soul family. There is nothing wrong with you or your way of thinking, feeling and expressing yourself. Keep doing so and be yourself, it’s the only way. And be patient and understanding when you come across someone with different beliefs. They’re searching as well so let’s have a great rest of the week.

🙏🏼💙

Faith bigger than fear

I am trying a wordless Wednesday for the first time (or some version of it), and not every day requires a lot of things that need to be said. Sometimes it’s only a few words that bring the most powerful message and this one seems to strike a chord. It applies to much in my life these days, but that’s a story for another day. In the meantime, just ponder the meaning and let this one sink in.

Laughter – one of the best medicines

We say it each time we meet, not to let too much time go by until we meet again. And then weeks pass and life catches up once more.

But yesterday was finally the day to meet with my dear friend Andrea. An afternoon of laughter, cuddling her dog Mick (Jagger), a walk through the neighborhood and before we knew it, five hours of chatting had passed while sipping on homemade Glühwein.

Time and time it proves that it’s often the simplest of things that are needed and mean the most. These hours of laughter, spending time in perfect company was exactly what the doctor ordered. Let’s do it soon again and thank you my sister. Xoxoxo

MLK – American hero

As we remember and honor the memory of Martin Luther King, his words ring across space and are timeless. There is a truth, a truth louder than ever, a truth for this very moment.

MLK speech from the Nobel Prize acceptance

“I refuse the idea that the “isness” of man’s present nature makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal “outness” that forever confronts him.

I refuse to accept the idea that man is mere flotsam and jetsam in the River of life, unable to influence the unfolding events which surround him.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality.

I refuse to accept the cynical notion that nation after nation must spiral down a militaristic stairway into the hell of thermonuclear destruction.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right temporarily defeated is stronger than evil triumphant.

I believe that even amid today’s mortar bursts and whining bullets, there is still hope for a brighter tomorrow. I believe that wounded justice, lying on the blood flowing streets of our nations, can be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men.

I have the audacity to believe that people everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for the it minds, and dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits.

I believe that what self-centered men have torn down, other-centered men can build up. I still believe that one day mankind will bow before the altars of God and be crowned triumphant over war and bloodshed, and nonviolent redemptive good will proclaim the rule of the land.

This faith can give us courage to face the uncertainties of the future. It will give our tired feet new strength as we continue our forward stride toward the city of freedom.

When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, we will know that we are living in the creative turmoil of a genuine civilization struggling to be born.”

Checking the boxes

Self care and taking good care of ourselves is big and usually a main focus for many after the holiday. It’s hard to believe that we are mid January already and I have seen many comments and statements on social media with people wanting to cancel their subscription to 2021. We didn’t really think that the challenges of 2020 would be wiped away, miraculously, or did we? There is still much that isn’t in our control and frankly it will always be this way. Different times, different challenges, nothing we can do about it, so let’s not focus on these things out of o it control and waste our energy there. But about the things we can impact? Here is a list I came across and let’s see how many boxes we can check or where we can make an impact.

Don’t forget to tune in tonight as healing and your weekly Reiki session is coming your way. Namaste 🙏🏼 💙

10 healthy habits

• 0 hours of television
• 1 hour of exercise
• 2 liters of water
• 3 cups of hot green tea
• 4 short mental breaks
• 5 small meals
• 6 AM wake up time
• 7 minutes of laughter
• 8 hours of sleep (at least)
• 9 PM end of day and off to bed
• 10 prayers of gratitude

I have to confess that I don’t check any box consistently yet 😳, but I am very very close to several, being only slightly off. Let’s see if I can flip the switch to further increase my health.

A sense of wholeness

Where do I even start with this one? Why does it still matter, now after days have passed? I don’t have to vent anymore and God knows this post has been rescheduled and rewritten a hundred times.

I think I know the answer and it stands to aid nobody but me. It serves as a learning process to dig into the deeper workings of myself. How I operate, react, feel and handle things. How I learn my lessons and ultimately mold into who I am. It brings awareness to how it all comes to be, so I can understand the process.

Be forewarned though, I have a feeling it will be a long post.

It started the beginning of the year when I got a surprise message with a New Years wish. Nothing uncommon really unless it’s from someone you really are not in contact anymore. The split was a mutual agreement, although not initiated by me, but in the end for reasons understood and I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I’m still figuring out if this message was a surprise, a happy one, or a message that might have set me back initially.

The message came from someone I once felt very close to, who was there during a crucial time in my life and who got me through a whole lot while I was caring for Mom. And I believe I equally got her through a few things she was dealing with. It sounds like an exchange of services. Angels that come into our life’s for a period of time before moving on again. Angels we lean on or help in their own journey. Still nothing out of the ordinary or that unusual.

Mom was very sick and while she was fighting for her life, I was by her side, fighting for her love, her acceptance – as her daughter and her willingness to accept help from me. It was a rough time and I developed a very close bond to this person on the sidelines, who would pick me up and gave me hope, strengths and motivation to see it all through.

Now months later, after no significant exchanges, this message caught me off guard, a message that perhaps in my own sense of awareness or unawareness questioned my wholeness in regards to the situation. I realized that closure wasn’t mine yet. I was still stuck on the pain of losing such connection. If I thought I was over it, I must have fooled myself.

At first it felt nice and my heart was touched by the message, leaving me with a sense of being remembered. I was grateful for the thoughts and wishes, but it soon subsided. On the flip side it brought back an emptiness and sadness. You see, I am one of these people that gives you a forever friendship once I close you into my heart. I have your back with my life, and I have a hard time walking away, even if it is mutually agreed like it was here, and the parting happens on good terms.

So here it was, one unexpected message, and everything bubbled back up. Would it have been better not to hear anything vs getting the message? I honestly can’t tell and it ended up taking me through a few emotions. In the end I got some distance from it, and by now I actually believe that it was needed. It made me face a few things. Even with this post. It was written on that day to clear my mind, and honestly it looked a bit different at first. Even longer and even more detailed, upset in parts, hurt, perhaps disappointed. In some ways not being so understanding but lashing out. Maybe that’s too harsh to call it lashing out, but it was definitely unfiltered.

I am getting off of subject here a little bit, but recently, in a different post, I was asking all versions of myself to join forces and support each other for one common goal. I believe that one of those versions made itself known to me and that a visit from my shadow self begged me to rewrite this post, to soften the hurt bits. The shadow self often represents the struggles in our life’s, carrying our burden and challenges. Leashing out and acting out of character is often referred to as a shadow self response. A moment, an initial reaction, a headed situation, a temper, perhaps the need to get back at someone, revenge and act below, beneath, the way one would normally act. All cases are reactive, something you might say or do in the heat of the moment when someone gets the better of you. Was this the case, had I allowed someone or a situation to get the better of me? I believe it was my shadow self asking me to transform the negativity and hurt into unconditional love.

Here is a little more insight why I struggled with this unexpected message.

“I’m still here, always” it said at the end. Like I got you, I haven’t left, I’m here for you if you need me, if you need to talk, or a shoulder to lean on. At least that’s how I interpreted it, and perhaps there was a time when it was what I had wished for and needed. An invitation to re-connect and like a fool I started blabbering about how much I missed our friendship, how things have not been the same, and that I still believe that there is a soul contract at work here. Yada yada and so on. Honestly I felt like a fool afterwards.

I knew that I had spoken from the heart, that I let it all out, and yet I was almost mad at myself. It must have sounded somewhat desperate. Was this the case and why did it matter? Shouldn’t I have moved on by now? Did I feel mad because of fear to sound dumb, being vulnerable, desperate, volunteering too much, being the first to say so. Surely these feelings wouldn’t stay this way forever. There had to come a time, a point of no return, a point to sever this emptiness and cut all ties in order to move on. Was I saying that this door would never close? My jibber jabber indicated that I’d be here forever, and so what if I was? But that wasn’t the case, was it? I knew that in reality with each passing day the separation only deepened. Maybe I was frantic about it without being conscious of it, fearing this point would be beyond my reach? I was still holding on to a possibility, the endless believer, dreamer, silver lining, supporting positive outcomes person that I am.

Well, after a brief exchange in regards to the message, it ended up not being an invitation to re-connect. It was just a simple, “innocent” wish for the new year. That’s what I was told, but on my end it wasn’t all that simple. It came after weeks and weeks of silence. After a silent Christmas and throughout personal challenges that could have really used someone to “still be there.”

I realize that I’m viewing this thing from all angles, that I am dissecting it into a thousand possibilities, asking the W questions of what if. I am over analyzing it, but in a way I need to, to understand even if no answers can be found. I was contemplating the why now, why was it important to say “happy New Years.” What was it about? Just a spontaneous moment?

It took me back to where we left off, confused, brain washed and unable to rely on my intuition, frantically trying to justify myself, setting the record straight in a desperate attempt to be heard and not falsely accused. Why would I even want that back? The message felt like casting a lure to test the waters and to see what the overall feel was. Was I still there too? And I guess I was, and boy did I ever volunteer the feel of the situation. This paragraph still holds some of the shadow self energy but it is the truth and perhaps will stand as a reason as to why we will never connect again. It would be too much to realize this for you.

If nothing else, it became obvious of how vulnerable the subject still is, how much hope there still was, and how much I still mourned a connection that used to complete my sentences. A connection that truly “got” me. Which always gave me a sense of being understood. I miss this kind of connection and friendship, the sisterhood, the weird tribe that get’s you, the silent language that is confirmed with a smile of knowing that no one else catches. The sincere connection that can exist without any selfish motto’s or what is to gain and in it for oneself. Those are rare and increasingly harder to find.

After responding to the New Years greeting, I learned that we can only meet in the energetic, where it is safe, where neither can harm the other or say something that may be perceived wrong. In the energetic only, where everything is perfect. Where we can create our own outcome to soothe and comfort our minds. I know it’s not that simple and what is revealed to us during those times is so much more, and has little to do with make believe, but still??? It’s a place where no conversations take place, at least not in the physical sense, where one can ask for advice or lean on the other, feeling the benefit and support of such a friendship and soul connection. Could I get to that point of letting this be all, letting it be enough, to fill me completely? Could I envision a hug in the energetic to become more important then a real life hug? It seemed far fetched for me and since I do live in the physical world, I also crave a physical hug/contact. Maybe down the road, some day maybe. Exactly what you said, and while I am one to mostly go with the flow, I’m not sure how I feel about this one. The point of no return dark cloud lingers over me as I think about this.

We have moved from a close friendship to a soul connection only. To answer my above question, it’s not enough for me to be honest. Maybe this kind of connection is the hardest to find and perhaps I should feel blessed. Yet I need more, but what I don’t need is “perfect.” I am not afraid to make mistakes and I don’t place “perfect” expectations on someone. What I need is “real,” where real people do their best, have no intentions of harming the other one, where people will make mistakes along the way, unintentionally, while the other trusts this to be true. I know we both needed more, in different ways and there is much more that could be said, but I’ll leave it here.

This is my question for you…

How can you tell someone I’m still here, always, but only in the energetic sense? I know the answer and you would say to heal, to protect ourselves throughout the process. I feel I should be grateful to know someone who is holding space for me. Being an energy healer myself, I understand the power of the energetic world and it is a beautiful and healing place. I visit it frequently myself, and many of you have been a part of it during my weekly reiki healing sessions.

I guess what I struggle with is the need for perfection and the fear of disappointment. I can’t compete with that, nor can I live with the burden of messing up, of bursting someone’s expectations of me. Of crushing the illusionary image of myself. It’s a non winning battle. I can only be myself but have no control over the perception of someone else. It’s a ticking time bomb when we place expectations onto others and it becomes and unmeasurable burden. It’s a lost case when we don’t give them a chance, or accept them for who they are. Out of fear it turns into control, a defense mechanism to protect oneself at any cost. Even that I understand, but help can only be given during complete surrender and no expectation. During trust and vulnerability.

Today, I am revisiting my sense of wholeness and what it takes to move on. It takes letting go and respecting individual choices, allowing things to be as they are, being and embracing others for who they are, their motives and reasons. It means embracing that beliefs will differ. To let go of an illusion, a wish, the hope and a dream that is one sided and cannot be returned nor shared.

Today I remind myself of my potential, a sense of wholeness and a continuation to heal in whatever way and form one might choose. I am letting go in the physical sense knowing that if there is a need, I can always connect in the energetic. So be it…

This quote comes to mind

“A sense of wholeness can arise when we embrace all the aspects of who we are instead of denying those “selves” that we might find impractical, embarrassing, or intimidating. The ancient symbol of the ouroboros, a snake swallowing it’s tail, reminds us of our potential.”

~Carl Greer

You have always been fond of snake energy and I have always feared it, not in the symbolic sense but in the physical sense, getting hurt by a snake a few years ago. It’s quite symbolic for me now and I guess there it is, isn’t it. All of a sudden it makes a lot of sense and I am not mad in the least for I have gained much more than I have lost. I am not ashamed of putting my honest feelings out there, of making a fool of myself, fighting for a friendship and everything else I once held dear. I will never regret crossing paths with you and in my book you are still as amazing and powerful as ever. A goddess, a shining light, a gentle and beautiful soul that has endured pains she should never had to. I hope you believe in yourself and find a place in the real world as well while you are still fulfilling this journey of your soul in the physical. I think you are well on to it way, and perhaps my lesson was finally learned. 🙏🏼

Breathe In Nature

The Poem you see below, I wrote several years ago..   Nature Heals ~ Sometimes when the world gets too much As our inner mind chews over such and …

Breathe In Nature

I love this poem from a new found friend here on WordPress and I love love love to find such special connections that speak to my soul. More and more the number of “US” is growing and it’s refreshing to find your tribe members and like minded kindred spirits. Life becomes even more meaningful in the process of it.

I would like to share these connections much much more in the future, so that as many people as possible can feel connected in whatever way and form fits their needs. It’s amazing as we uncover our stories, peeling away the surface levels to slowly reveal who we truly are. To be accepted for it, empowered and cheered on. It gives us wings as if there is nothing we can’t achieve. It’s so meaningful to spread motivation and inspiration when we are strong, but also find a place we can lean on each other and rest when we need to or have something on our mind.

Here, within your tribe, you can share those moments. Spread joy or vent and find compassion and understanding for the successes and challenges we face each day. Each one of us has a story and a reason why we are here and why we write. Let’s get to know each other a little better and share those special finds and moments. There is so much wisdom, knowledge and experience here that we can find an endless supply of resources and support. It’s about lifting each other and my friend Sue does exactly that. I hope you visit her soon and say hello for me.

Enjoy…🙏🏼

Cuteness overload

It was a gloomy day and I felt under the weather a bit. A headache settled in, I had alternating hot and cold flashes, pressure made itself noticeable in the chest area (heart – always scary), and the overall feel was kinda blah. Nothing too serious and perhaps just tiredness, but it’s incredible how the mind wanders, traveling down the path of Covid, right away putting doubts into your head, assuming the worst. Luckily I can recognize these attacks most of the time and hold fear at bay from taking over. With my increased focus on getting back on track, I wasn’t too terribly worried about and it’s only been one day that I focused on my increased water intake. If I just stay the course….keep the thoughts under control….not think too much….I knew things would be ok.

A storm was moving in, bringing rain to the Valley floor and much needed snow to the mountains. It hadn’t been much of a winter so far and temps were forecasted to be in the 50’s for the upcoming week. I didn’t mind, but of course it wasn’t the best news for water reserves and lake levels. Anyhow, it was the perfect day to follow up on a few things, ponder moves and possibilities, reminisce, perhaps craft a little bit, work on the Etsy shop and get a cuddle in with the fur child.

The spoiled bundle sleeps in bed with me more time then none overnight, and yeah I caved and invited her in, while accepting to wake up in question Mark position. Mind you she is over 30 lbs now and she wants to be soooo close. It’s usually me finding a way to cradle and wrap my limbs around her body wherever she plops herself down, which by the way is usually the middle of the bed. No, she is not dumb haha.

We have a vet visit next week to conduct some allergy testing and hopefully address and pinpoint a few balding spots on her fur. She had a faint one in the face when I got her and two more developed, on her back and leg. 😞 It’s been worrisome for this fur mama who of course wants the best for her child. What was believed to be a reaction from a difficult first couple of months, worms in her stool that was treated with a dewormer, to a fungal or bacterial infection-treating the spots with anti fungal cream, relocation to a different state and potential environmental allergies, to stress, a new home (again), food allergies and finally finding a food we like that is healthy and good, (after cycling through 4 others). It been a lot, but mostly for me I think. Overall she is a happy pup and a most grateful angel. There are no signs of her life quality being affected in any way, besides the occasional scratching and licking that has slowed dramatically with the new food. I think she had a few hot spots and licked it scratching the hair right off. I haven’t noticed much anymore unless it’s at night, another reason she was allowed into bed, as I would wake up if she did. My fingers are crossed that the hair will grow back and that this will be behind us soon. It’s time to find out what I’m dealing with here and get some answers. I hope it goes well. Further concerns are that we still find other dogs and other humans a little sketchy and growl or even bark at them. It’s hard to associate her with Covid, so I have my fingers crossed all goes good. But just look at this cuteness. 🤗💙🐕

On the healthy side

2020 was a year that brought little health challenges. For sure there were a few things, here and there, especially when dealing with a chronic illness, but overall I have to say that it was manageable. A key word that makes all the difference for us suffering from chronic pain. Manageable, still a major annoyance and pain in the rear, but deal able.

Somewhere near the beginning of 2020 I got a little break. Big enough to jump on the bandwagon and run with the crazy idea that I could change my stars and improve my health. It’s amazing what a little believe, hope and motivation can do. It literally feels like it gives you wings and wings I had. I was soaring high.

I focused on water intake, more veggies in the form of juicing, which in turn helped me shed a few pounds, reduced the daily pain which then helped me become more mobile and active. Everything played an important part, equally contributing to the snowball effect. I pushed myself harder than ever on the physical aspect, and at times it even felt as if the clock was turning backwards. All of a sudden I achieved things I didn’t in younger years. What a high. How wonderful life could be if it wasn’t overshadowed by physical pain. There was still the emotional aspect of pain I seldom talk about. A life less fulfilled that I was trying to keep in check, but for the moment it was working and living with reduced pain fueled the quality of life. So much as though you’d think it to be enough motivation to keep going. I had such great results, how could something ever throw me off track again? Well it did and it’s called life. Life itself throws us off track and I didn’t even notice. Not until I took that honest look and of course the pain reminded me of an old familiar feeling.

More and more it returned. Not bad, but enough, swollen limbs and all, a constant dull pain with the occasional sharp stab. Things took more effort again and became a challenge, you’d never know what was going to hurt the next morning. Eventually even the dull pain, the manageable, the nudges and reminders that not everything is well, got to me and I tell you, it does some tricks on your mind. You almost become an instigator, acting out of character, starting up something so you can justify the lousy way you feel. Kind of like “I’ll give you something to cry about.” It’s awful, until the tears break and you get relief from one thing but now are left with the emotions aspect of feeling low and like a person with major issues.

I was feeling more vulnerable, emotional, perhaps subconsciously worried of going back to a point of feeling debilitated, fighting pain every day. I had been there so many times and it’s a scary, scary place. It still wasn’t “that” bad, but a warning sign that reminded me of how fast things can turn for the worst. It was time to reassess. What in the world happened? Why did I needed the reminder that this is out of my control, that the pain free days are a gift? I think I knew why and it was because I had taken things for granted. Feeling better and not feeding my body the nutrients required to keep going. I wasn’t honoring my temple, at least not in the way I needed to.

Despite of what initially was perceived as a setback, as a pain signal, turned around once I searched for the lesson, the positive, the silver lining, the cause, and what was in my immediate control. And it was eye opening.

One of the biggest things I noticed was that my water consumption had halted dramatically. I wasn’t even drinking 32 oz a day. In other words I wasn’t flushing out toxins. I wasn’t hydrating my body, my joints weren’t oiled and instead rubbing on each other. Time to fix that, it should be easy enough, now that I was consciously aware of it. And it was another one of these “what the heck happened” moments.

Another was that I took feeling better for granted. I was eating more of the stuff I love such as pasta and pizza, yeah even the occasional soda that is ultimately also the stuff that causes inflammation. Still drinking my veggie juice, it simply wasn’t enough to balance the things causing me harm. Inadvertently it became a bandaid for eating the bad stuff, and that’s missing the point all together isn’t it? Health halted and instead of making more progress, I slowly regressed.

More joint pain became the norm which in turn triggered and caused more inactivity. Surely it was the winter months when things are always a little worse, but could I – or truly wanted to use this as a crutch, as an excuse? It didn’t seemed right and I knew I wasn’t true to myself if I believed this to be the reason.

I used to sleep with my Copper gloves at night. They cradled my hands in perfect comfort, easing the stiffness in the morning, cutting down the time I could actually function somewhat normal and complete simple tasks such as dressing. It’s been months since I wore the gloves at night and despite swelling and increased stiffness, I have to admit that I was still functioning much better compared to recent experiences in the past.

https://rhapsodyboho.wordpress.com/2019/08/04/copper-health/

So overall, despite regressive changes and more pain, I believed that I was still in the green and could reintroduce a couple of things that had fallen off track. Today, I’d start with measuring my water intake to oil the joints for better movement. Once again I am dedicated and motivated to build a better future for myself. While I realize that there are things not always in my control, my focus lies on those things that are. So here we go….drink up and flush away those toxins.

If you suffer from chronic pain, I send you blessings and a reminder that it’s often the simplest of things that can make a difference for us. I hope you found something here you might even be able to add to your own routine. 💙🙏🏼