The energy remains strong for me and something has definitely shifted. It’s the end of the line, an unwillingness to continue on said path, unable to be unhappy, any longer, sad, the change that’s been lingering, slowly approaching, the put up and shut up moment or the do something about it and finally face it moment, regardless of whatever the consequences might be. It’s been coming for awhile, years even, but the intensity has grown to unbearable degrees, and is overwhelming most of the times. It’s exactly how it needs to be, because otherwise it’ll just continue like business as usual.
I’m sure there are many of you who feel the same, whatever the circumstances may be, and I know that you understand exactly what it is that I am talking about. There comes a final point of no return and mine comes very very late with too much patience and endurance. My fuse is way too long, much too patient, even in my own opinion.
I had a great post scheduled for today with morning rituals and affirmations. A great way to start the day, and yet that’s not really what’s going on in my world today. It’s hard to spread cheer when you feel down, I’m not gonna lie, and I rather be honest than feel like I am not authentic to myself, including my feelings and needs. Sure I could have let it post anyways and not worry, but somehow it feels like a fraud, a pretending, a cover up, masking the emotions when in reality they need to be acknowledged. Since writing is a great outlet and because it is my belief that others, maybe even you struggle as well, I feel this would be more relatable and needed.
Something was off this morning and I’m not surprised since I went to bed irritated and upset the night before. What was suppose to be an early night with plenty of rest, I needed so badly, turned out to be a overly noisy one that ended up keeping me awake for hours. So much for going the bed early, but hey…eventually I fell asleep. Nothing out of the ordinary happened once I got up, and there was nothing really to trigger anything, besides a message from Germany that my aunts condition (fighting Covid) is hopeless and the doctors told the family to prepare for the worst. And now that I actually put it into words, it might have been the icing on the cake and one of the exact things that pushed me over and into an emotional tailspin. There was something else, but I think my feelings were related to underlying fear and a sense of having reached a crossroads I can no longer pass up.
Soon I felt down, out and emotional. Overwhelmed and sad. Scared and worried. Holding on to my thoughts, keeping it in, trying to be a better person, avoiding judgement. Fear paid me another visit and the once too long fuse was running out of patience. I recognized the feelings and yet I couldn’t sort them. I knew they had to surface and I knew that most likely I’d say something I regret later, if I choose or was pushed to talk about it. I always do when it happens and while it does relieve pressure, it also leaves me feeling like an awful person, especially when this pressure releases to the ones that love me unconditionally. It leaves me feeling ashamed of myself. Yes, I know that I am not perfect and I am not trying to be. But I do try to spread hope and inspiration, despite of having days myself when the goblins come out and shake up my world. Today was such a day.
I felt I needed a good cry and I wish the tears could freely flow across my face, washing it all away. But this is not so and due to a medical condition, the tears don’t come, but the pain remains. I know I will be ok, I’m always are. After all this is a warriors journey like I called it so myself. One day I will no longer have to be this darn strong all the time, but until then I nod my head, embarrassed and all and just say “today was an off day and I’m sorry.”
If you relate or have felt lows, out of character experiences, sadness, depression or whatever struggle, please know you are not alone. Please know that it will pass. See it for what it is, digest it and pick up your shield once more. This I am telling to myself and to you and I know we will overcome once more.