An honest look back

As the hours are ticking away, I am taking an honest look at 2020, the year many can’t wait to put behind themselves in the hope for a new beginning, and a better year to come along.

Today on this last day of the year I notice an exhaustion, mentally and physically that has settled into my body. I am tired and perhaps it should stay as simple as that. Nothing more and nothing less, and still I want to recall the challenges and lessons of 2020, as well as the successes to justify that there is something more and an actual reason as to why I am feeling tired, even downright depressed at times. So let’s begin.

2020 brought with itself a huge focus on the health front for me. More than ever I was determined of feeling better, which meant living with less chronic disease pain. I was tired of feeling sick and tired, to hurt and have a lousy quality of life. I didn’t want to go on like that. I was going to be more than just a statistic. I was going to change my stars, get stronger and healthier.

I did a lot of energy self healing and Reiki for myself and others. It was a huge part of maintaining a healthier balance. It was a stepping stone that fueled my passion for more.

I started juicing and up’ed my vegetable and fruit intake while cutting back on carbs. I lost 20lbs so far which in prior attempts had always seemed impossible. Now, my body was craving the shakes, literally thanking me with a better and more consistent performance. It was like a sweet partnership, taking care of each other.

I up’ed my step goal per day and with increased health and mobility became more active.

Physically, I pushed myself to strenuous hikes that I had put off for years and years. Mainly because there was no way of achieving them before. Was it a piece of cake now? No, and you wouldn’t believe how many times I was near quitting, but I pushed through, I did it and I made it, resulting in sweet victory and new sights. Man oh man is Mother Nature and our planet beautiful. Physically I have achieved more then I have in younger years, and believe me it is a great feeling while aging and naturally declining.

2020 has also been a year of spiritual growth and maturity. A year of coming into my own, reevaluating and recognizing what is truly important, making peace with the past, going more with the flow and simply surrendering without interference to what is. It was a year of shedding old programming and systems that were never mine to begin with. I realized that there isn’t always an answer to the events in our lives, and that we can live an easier one loosening the reigns of control a little. 2020 taught many lessons under the umbrella of worries and fear, especially on the financial front. Trying to figure “it”, that daunting “it” that is so encompassing out, so the future can unfold as it is meant to be. While it is work in progress, I do my best to trust and believe in the process, no matter how scary it gets, and despite who understands and who doesn’t. This also applies to some of the following paragraph’s.

After all I haven’t worked, earning an income in nearly 3 years, and I pride myself that I, myself has made it, never dependent on anyone. Mom would be proud of that, having raised me to always fend for myself, being responsible and hard working all of my life. I have not missed any financial obligation or had to rely on someone else.

The jobless adventure started leaving for Germany for 10 months in 2018 to care for Mom, and again in 2019 for another 3 months. The last 3 years have been filled with fighting stress, illness and bodily debilitation. Luckily with money saved to fall back onto, but also on a frugal budget with no room for luxuries or just going on a shopping spree, I gave my body the precious gift of healing while acknowledging it’s every whim. Yeah I do miss the splurges, but I tell myself that it is the price for my current lifestyle and that that new wardrobe will be a reward once I lose the additional pounds I still want to lose. So it’s not all that bad.

2020 was a year of still heavily mourning the loss of Mom who passed the end of 2019. More losses followed in 2020, with more family loss and once who were close friends and soul connections I thought would last a lifetime.

Hey, I did finally opened that Etsy shop and did a lot of creative stuff. I even made some sales and learned a lot on the homeopathic front which further was a building block in my journey. This was a welcome diversion to bury my thoughts and emotions into a more positive aspect.

2020 claimed my long locks and I cut my hair much shorter. I miss my hair at times but not the work and care that was associated with it. I stopped coloring it, accepting the becoming of a grey fox and a healthier approach, lol, and for the most part I am ok with it. Maybe 2021 will be a year to reinvent myself once more. Whatever direction that might take, and I know there will be a few.

2020 has been a year of downsizing material bliss/burdens. I donated bag after bag and the load is getting lighter as I situate myself for a “less is more” future.

2020 brought my Cinnamon girl, unplanned and unexpected, with not the best timing, but also such a big blessing. As if she came into my life to personally help me through some tough times. I think I know who sent her and why she is here. Although she is part of the reason I am tired lol. She needs playtime and exercise, walks and care that take time away from everything I need to do, but it keeps me active which is a good thing too. I’ve had her 2 months now and we have been battling allergies, worms and still balding spots on her coat as she is adjusting from a feral fur child to a pampered life.

Today I could have used a break although I love our time dearly, and my bones were hurting during our walk. Perhaps it is the weather changing and the snow that fell overnight. Overall it reminds me that I am doing much better with the barometer drops. While there is some pain and pressure at times, I didn’t experience the many occasions I could barely walk, like I have in the past.

I do love that I can always somehow focus on the silver lining, always seeing the good within the challenges, always looking for the lesson and always being grateful for what is, for I have experienced far worse far too many times before.

2020 brought many new WordPress followers and we have crossed the 3000 mark. I have met so many wonderful, like minded and unique souls on here and each one of you is brightening my life on a daily basis. Thank you and bless you kindly, for reading, commenting and simply being you even when I am absent at times and don’t get to you right away. 🙏🏼

2020 has left me pondering about the future, my future and where I see myself in the coming years. Torn between two countries, a house inherited in Germany, and prior upholding the dreams and wishes of loved ones, putting my own last, I think I finally know where I belong and where I will live and pursue my own dreams.

2020 was a year of personal challenges and immense struggles on the Homefront, as a married person on paper, a roommate, often just being tolerated while still living under the same roof. Not all of it has been bad but the majority has been from knowing each other for 26 years. 15 bad ones to be exact. It’s something I haven’t brought to the blog and it’s usually something I don’t talk about. It’s complex and seldom does anyone understands. Not even myself at times, but like with everything there are reasons and I am tired there too, tired of fighting to be understood. Yes it even has cost me a lifelong friendship. I will most likely write and talk more about it in the future as life can’t go on the way it has. How quickly will it all change…I have no answer as everything is unfolding, but I feel the change, the end and I will need to vent from time to time. It is costing me my sanity and health at the moment as everything has escalated beyond tolerable and respectful measures. There is nothing left and I have reached the point where I need to save myself.

I recognize the reasons as to why I feel mentally and physically exhausted. Just like the land lies dormant during the winter, nurturing itself in stillness, awaiting new life in spring, I too have to turn inward and tend to myself. I need to utilize this time of dormancy with self care so new life can blossom when springtime arrives. I am standing at the crossroads of change and the edge of forever. A new book is opening tomorrow, 365 blank pages with a new year and I hope to make more happy entries vs. the sad and bad ones. It will get ugly before it gets better but that’s my story and my warrior path for now.