Posted in Death, Family, Loss

The first day without you

Yesterday was hard, although I tried my best. And how could it not have been? Over and over the message and my own thoughts about my Uncle’s passing caught up with me, leaving behind such heartache and such a sad feeling. A empty hole I have come to know so well.

Over and over I found myself wanting to reach out to my cousins, his children and just wrap my arms around them, knowing darn well the tough, heart wrenching road that lies ahead. I remember how much needed to be arranged when Mom passed, how much needed to be taken care of, in a time of disparity, when shock took over, and made you power through those things as if on autopilot. There wasn’t any time to grief, to let it fully sink in, to allow yourself to mourn. I know that my cousins are caught in this trap right now while trying to come to terms that they have just lost their father and might still lose their mother as well. I can’t help but wonder if during this tragedy and while fighting for her own life, she is aware that her husband lost the fight. It is hard to make arrangements, even harder to find closure, which usually comes much later. For right now the fear continues for their mother, who is also hospitalized with Covid.

My heart is heavy and bleeds love, compassion, and understanding. Over and over, I search for the right words, words that could bring comfort, that I could share to bring some peace to their hearts, and yet I know that such words simply don’t exist. Emails have been sent, and cards are being written, conveying that I am here, that I understand, that they are not alone, offering whatever comfort I can in sharing the grief.

Other family members have made contact yesterday, in a way and not son many words expressing their own mortality. The generation of my mother and father, the same as their parents, is leaving this earth, slowly fading into dear memories and remembrance. It’s a process inevitable, happening to all of us, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am just not good at it, at all. Would anyone be? Yesterday, in a moment of grief, I said to myself that my heart just feels too much, too strong, too intense. It takes my breath away at times, but should it be any other way?

One year later after Moms passing and 46 years later after Dads passing, I still feel the pains of a life without them. And the same goes for the animals I have lost over the years. I just feel too much and I know it is in part what kept me from getting another animal, until my Cinnamon Girl came into my life in the mist mysterious of ways.

Today, another day, I find myself connected in the energetic, continuing to feel the pain of those losses. Not just in the physical, but also in the form of other losses, lost connections and people of the heart who have moved on with their own journey. My day is on hold, sitting, petting Cinnamon, who seems to know, picking up on a low, my own vibrations while I’m dazing into the sunlight that is entering through the blinds. She has squeezed her little body into the tiniest of spots with me, just so she can be as close as possible to me. I imagine I will try to keep myself busy, recognizing that it is my natural reaction and an effort to distract myself from the seriousness that is death and loss.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

19 thoughts on “The first day without you

  1. Your post was touching and brought to mind a one-line lyric in a song called ‘The Rover’ by Jethro Tull which is “I’m simple in my sadness-resourceful in remorse” Loss of loved ones can have a lasting effect on the hearts of people who feel, This is a burden but also a gift. Without feeling we are nothing. So there is hope out of sadness and I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.

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    1. Thank you for your words of wisdom and care. I have been no stranger to loss and I have lost loved ones starting at the age of 10 such as my father. Although I had to learn to go on and live my life, I never got over and I miss the close bond I shared with him, even at such a young age. You are right about the feelings and I wouldn’t be who I am if I felt less.

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  2. I’m so happy to know, that you have your beloved Cinnamon, Rhapsody. Maybe some long walks with her in the nature might help you to accept, that mourning is necessary too. We can’t just go on without, even it seems right at the moment. I’m so bad to do this for myself, than I mirror this to you now, sorry, but it is still the truth.
    I have had so many loss for the last years, that I don’t know, how to navigate to get through all this mourning. To keep ourselves busy is one way, but it wont last in that way.
    Much love and huge hugs for you, my dear ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so right and like you I have had so many losses, especially within the last year and this year. I am no stranger to the grieving process and I allow the feelings to come as they must without suppressing them, but it’s still hard and I am definitely not good at dealing with death. It brings up scars that date back to my ten year old self when I lost my father. All we can do is the best we can but as you know not all days are equal. Hugs and thank you for your thoughts and comforting words.

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    1. Thank you so much and I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain and a loss of a loved one changes us, forever. There is no timeframe for the grieving period, as everyone is different and the advice I would give is to let your feelings come and go as they must. Don’t suppress them and hold them in. I have written many posts about loss and grief. Grief is love unexpressed as we don’t get another hug, another time to hear their voice, and do our favorite things together. My heart goes out to you and I know this journey well. I wish I could say something that could ease your pain, but reality is that why is required to face these times is much strengths, and I wish you that. Time doesn’t heal everything but with time we learn to live again. Sending love and light your way and please reach out if I can help in any way. Xx

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      1. You are most welcome dear. A post is scheduled later today with links to the waves of grief you might find helpful in this time of need and sadness.
        In light and love. Xxx

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