Greek (n.) the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life; spiritual conversion
I slept in my bed last night for the first time in nearly a week. With all the modern comforts restored, I should be happy and relieved. I got to shower and clean up, the dirt from under my fingernails is gone and the greasy, dirty mane is clean, light and bouncy again. I rested in comfort which in actuality didn’t feel much different and my fluffy pillow top got a skeptical eye from me this morning, contemplating it’s worth. I am wearing clean clothing and yet I long for my week on the trail, the dust, the simplistic lifestyle, and sleeping in a tent while listening to the campground bear making it’s rounds at night. Modern day essentials have been restored, but is it truly better or even what I crave and need at this point of my life?
I can’t help finding myself feeling empty and almost depressed amongst the modern life. With everything back in place, good and bad, some things are simply too much and could easily be lived without. Strange isn’t it, yet it’s making perfect sense to me. And as serendipity would have it, a word appeared this morning to tell me to keep going, to keep pursuing my dreams, to listen to the signs and believe in the progress and the timing. But this time it also asked me something new “with all the info you have now, now that you know, are you ready, and what are you going to do about it?
Perhaps I have always had the ability of knowing what needs to be done to shed this feeling. After all everything we ever need is already within us, at all times. Still I take much longer for whatever reason, personal to me and seldom understood by others, well…some things still remain unchanged, some things can’t evolve and develop until another is dealt with. I know that, and so it is not a matter of not having the opportunity to change my stars, it is me, not seizing the moment, yet. Not for this final chapter, although I feel that I have been working hard for my personal differences and quality of life. It’s my growth and perhaps in part my failure to launch, moving along at my pace, carefully considering my inner peace, to not have any guilt, to be free in the end and to protect what I worked for all my life. I really don’t need to justify or explain it for others to understand and yet it remains something that is important to all of us as we cry out for understanding and the hopes to avoid judgement. I know that I have my reasons and it is me who lives my life and understands these reasons. Yet it is part of the human nature wanting to please and be accepted without ridicule.
I mainly write about inspirational things and sometimes I forget about the “warriors journey”, mine, and how very real and serious life can be. Sometimes I just don’t want to remember and I easily indulge in any distraction to get my break. I have become an expert banning stress from my thoughts as often as possible, and I think it’s something I learned, when my rheumatoid arthritis was nearly impossible to bear. Let’s just say that I have had more than enough practice doing this.
Coming back home it’s no wonder I felt low energy, knowing that I am returning to many serious issues at hand. It’s time to deal with the serious stuff again, the stuff that chokes us and threatens to block the energy flow within us, storing trauma such as fear and worries. It’s no wonder in times like these when we still deal with a pandemic at large. When our way of life has changed in ways that leaves us barely hanging on. When unemployment is through the roof and you don’t know how to make up ur next mortgage payment, how much longer you can hold out, putting food on your table. When life is simply too hard to describe and is just a label without a perfect description that would sum it up.
This last week is reminding me of Metanoia and more of the process that is needed to change my way of life. The difficulties, the losses encountered along the way, as well as the tremendous personal achievements, and the things that still need attention. There is no doubt that my heart and my self is changing and a spiritual conversion continues to unfold. I know that it is my way of life that still needs work, why else would things feel so low coming back home! Today I have to tell myself to keep going. To not lose sight of what has been in progress for such a long time. To not worry about outside influences and who understands and who doesn’t, but to continue this journey that is Metanoia in my own best interest and way of life.
To all of you dealing with you own sense of Metanoia, I say keep going, you have a whole new month and the rest of your life ahead of you. It’s the first of September, set some realistic goals and pursue them with a passion that sets your soul on Fire.