Posted in Inspiration, Life

At the end of each day

At the end of each day before you close your eyes, be content with what you’ve done, be grateful for what you have and be proud of who you are.

It’s a tough journey, finding our path, learning to roll with the punches. Be good to yourself, trust in the process and know that you are doing your best.

Posted in Celebration, Life, Mom

Happy Birthday to me

The day has come and it’s my birthday. The anniversary of the day on which a person was born, typically treated as an occasion for celebration and the giving of gifts.

Birthday – a day on which one or more years ago someone appeared in the world. It’s been definitely a few (more) years since I appeared in the world and today should be a day for celebration. Having reached another year to add to my number, remembering that age is simply the amount of years the world has been enjoying you, and that not all of us are that privileged to reach another year. This year I remember the ones that are no longer with us and who have not been so lucky to celebrate another birthday. Today I remember and feel the pain of lost loved ones and all who lost their battle to illness, accidents, violence and the pandemic. May their spirits Rest In Peace.

Today I disappear and go on another three day adventure with Mother Nature to put my own troubles on pause for a little while. To push myself to new heights and distract the mind from the first Birthdays without you. I will do my best to lift my spirits because I know there are people that work hard for this day to be special for me, and I appreciate it beyond words. It will be a time to simply be for me, and to let the emotions come as they are. I am doing my best and they say that the first year is the worst when you lost someone. Birthdays and holidays take on a different meaning and they sure do.

The importance is not to lose sight of the light because tough times will always surface from time to time. Today I will try to remember us both, our birthdays one day apart, and the gift and time we shared towards the end.

Stay tuned…I can’t wait to tell you about my new adventure. Memories are waiting to be made.

Posted in Loss, Mom

Happy Birthday in Heaven

I cried a lot this week Mom. I wish I could write a post celebrating you and telling you how much I miss you, but today I just can’t coax a cheerier self out of me. The whole week has been a struggle leading up to our birthdays, a time that was always special for us. You always said that I should have hurried up making my appearance into the world, because we could have celebrated on the same day instead of being one day apart. Well I think we celebrated together anyways and we just made it last a little longer. Although we celebrated many years apart from each other, and today this fact breaks my heart and I wish I could change it.

I woke up with hypertension stage 1 today and this has become rare for me, but was I surprised! No, not really and I knew today was not going to be ok. As I sit here remembering you, I struggle to put the words to paper that fill my heart. The small task of selecting a picture for this post brought tears and drove the pain a little deeper. I decided on this one because you are out and away from the nursing home you hated so much. You wear regular clothing and you are smiling big. I wish I could have seen this smile in person, but I was already gone by the time this picture came about.

The nursing home provided the care you needed and you knew it, but it took you away from your home and I hated the decision that had to be made, placing you there as soon as I arrived in Germany. It was awful and I was backed into a corner with no choice. I will never forget. There wasn’t a day I didn’t struggle with it and I still do. I know you couldn’t have survived as long you did without it, but it doesn’t make it easier, especially when I still hear you say that you had no reason to go on living if you had to be in there. It seems like it was an impossible decision for me to make, and both outcomes would have weighed heavy on me. I couldn’t win. How would I have felt if you died because I didn’t do everything in my power for you? How could I have done that? Didn’t you do the same for me as I was little and couldn’t care for myself? You cared for me and did everything in your power. And no, you didn’t place me in a home, but you could handle me and pick me up, something I couldn’t do for you as you couldn’t walk anymore. Would it have been enough and outweighed the point that I had to go against your wishes? I don’t know and I did what had to be done. Still I hated it and always wished it could have been different. Today and always, being an empath, I still carry the many hardships and sorrows of your life and don’t know how to not feel bad and deeply saddened about them.

Nearly ten months have past since heaven got a new angel and I can’t tell you enough how much you are missed. The waves of grief come and go, sometimes better, sometimes worse, and today feels as if I lost you all over again. I know you know and I have seen you around more as dragonflies have returned and surround me all the time. This week has been hard and I even created a diversion, birthday week, trying to keep my spirits up.

Having our birthdays so close together with you gone now, has taken on a painful meaning. I don’t know right now how I will ever look forward to another birthday, feeling this pain again and again. It’s just not the same and it never will be again. It has turned into a time of pain, sorrow and such immense heartache, it takes my breath away. I remember crying and crying, every day, for months after you passed. Eventually it got a little better and I could smile at the memory of you. Today I am right back to those early days and I guess it’s normal and the loss is still raw. Some would say that things will get better in time but I know it won’t. It never did with Dad and it never did with Nikki. Perhaps I feel too deeply and can’t get beyond it.

Mom, I love you and I am sorry for our lost time. All the years that we spent without each other, it seems impossible to me now and I don’t know how I ever managed to leave. I was so young, trying to live my own life, be strong and independent just like you were. I am sorry for leaving you behind, feeling lost, alone and lonely all these years. I am sorry I was a long distance daughter, your blood, only family member and closest contact thousands of miles away. I struggled all my life trying to win your acceptance as a daughter and to gain your love. “You and your feelings” you used to say, unable to step over your bitter feelings towards me for leaving you behind. I never realized you felt this way until years later. In the end spending 10 month with you, you finally accepted me and your wall lowered. It’s what I always wanted, right? Well I can tell you that in the end, losing you, hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I can’t say it would have been easier if you stayed mad at me, if you continued to reject and fight me. My love for you never wavered and was unconditional throughout. I just wanted to be your daughter and hoped to make you proud.

I am sorry I could not take you out of the nursing home and bring you home. I am sorry I wasn’t there during your final hours to hold your hand and take away the fear. And I am sorry I am still so far away, unable to visit you and Dad or bring flowers to your final resting place. I am still not able to take care of your house that you left behind and which is now mine. I am working on it, but today I don’t even know if I can keep it in the long run. I struggle with that as well. It was your everything, but the memory of it and the pain of all the lonely hours spent there reside within it’s walls. It was there where your tears fell, being alone, without Dad, without me and it is hard to bare. Time will tell if I can live with the memory and smile some day or if it will only bring sadness and the constant memory be too difficult.

Mom, I love you with all my heart. Happy birthday in heaven. Say hi to Dad for me.

Posted in Friendship, Inspiration, Laughter

Birthday countdown Day 2 – Laughter

After nearly 5 month of absence due to the pandemic, I gave myself the gift of laughter and finally spent some time with my girlfriend. Of course still being extremely careful since the virus is nowhere near to being controlled, especially here in the states, but we made it happen.

We chatted for nearly 6 hours, and it’s crazy how time can pass so quickly when you find yourself in the right company. One of the most important things that happens when you hook up with your tribe is that there is an understanding, an acceptance for who you truly are without having to pretend, and there is laughter. The healing laughter that takes you away for a little while and life becomes just a little brighter. We know it does and yet sometimes there simply isn’t enough in our hectic schedules.

At the end we alway look at each other, knowing that we have thoroughly enjoyed our time, and one of us will says “let’s do this soon again.” I think birthday week was perfect to reconnect and have a change of scenery, adding good old fun, and laughter to the equation. Now let’s just do this on a regular basis.

PS. Did you know that laughing is strong medicine? Benefits of laughter include strengthening your immune system, booting mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. Nothing works faster to balance the body after a bout of anger. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hope, connects you to others, keeps you grounded and focused. Laughter relaxes the whole body and triggers the release of endorphins. Laughter protects the heart, even prevents heart disease, and burns calories. The list goes on and it might even help you live longer.

I know life gets busy for all of us, but with a list of benefits like these, it might be a good idea to rearrange our priorities and make some time for laughter.

Posted in Inspiration, Spirit animals

Birthday countdown Day 3 – Allowing the feelings

It’s getting closer and the countdown to my birthday is getting shorter. I dedicated the preceding week to pampering myself and to fill it with things to keep my spirits high. With so much going on lately and so many break throughs, new found motivations, and successes, my spirit should be soaring you would think, but it doesn’t. There is one huge hurdle still needing to be conquered and I knew this week would be tough for various reasons. For one in the sense that Mom’s birthday is one day before mine and she would have turned 82 this year. How does one keep their spirit high when there is still a loss, still grief, still coming to terms with that empty hole that will never be filled again?

To some degree I have to smile, because I recognize my old faithful attempts, looking for an intervention in times like these. When I look for something to keep me out of the depths of despair and sadness. This happens on a subconscious level and just like that, birthday week was created to come to the rescue. It has worked more or less, although the thought process and the intentions are there, and good, reality is a different thing and is seldom controlled in such manner. I know it’s important to recognize those feelings and to not suppress them. They too have a place and if kept inside of yourself do harm in ways you don’t need. It’s a delicate balance, like a teeter totter, sometimes being up and other times dropping low.

On my hike yesterday I saw this tiny frog. He was not bigger than the size of a quarter and it’s only my second one I’ve seen in all the years hiking. He came with a message for me to do a physical cleanse and detoxify my body. I was also encouraged to do an emotional cleanse by letting myself really feel my emotions, to cry as often as I need to in order to clear and release any emotional toxicity. To sing and chant out loud would help improve balance, be at peace, and connect to the divine. Frog was letting me know that I was entering into a time of plenty and abundance, being the start of a slow and steady transformational process. A movement from an old life to a new life.

And that itself is reason enough to release the tears of a challenging old life, and welcome a new one filled with everything I already carry inside of me. Today is all about slowing the feelings and cleansing my soul and a reminder for you to acknowledge those feelings and allow them pass.

Posted in Inspiration

Birthday week Day 4 – Reflecting in gratitude

I am often my own motivator and it is me who knows best when a low comes around. Part of pampering myself includes taking time to reflect and pull out the gratitude journal. To remember how far I have come and allow it to make myself feel really good, accomplished, grateful, while finding the inspiration and motivation to build on my current for even more results. It’s important to stop from time to time and celebrate all the hard work you’ve been doing and giving yourself credit for seeing it through. Because in the end nothing ever worthwhile is easy.

Today I am reflecting on my health and I see it like a tree with many different branches that came into my life. Branches that held various forms of wisdom and healing so the overall picture could emerge and grow. A picture that rooted me even deeper, making me stronger in the eyes of storm and more flexible to sway without breaking.

I remember how much light Reiki has brought to my life and it was truly the turning point and the begin of this beautiful transformative journey for me.

I remember pushing myself physically and going from a point of barely being able to walk to scaling mountains, getting stronger than ever. I remember the saying “No pain, no gain” and the times I wanted to give up yet miraculously pulled through somehow.

I remember the various times of dabbling in the homeopathic path, coming across the Herbal master course, finding the natural remedies book, and the mean green juice .

Since then I feel like I have more energy and a weight has been lifted. The brain fog is also gone and more clarity has returned. I feel lighter and things are completed with more pep in my step and ease. Even the joints seem to move easier and require less effort.

The beginning of February I started to monitor my blood pressure. 158/96 was hypertension stage 2 for me, a often seen number throughout the month. In March I managed 5 normal readings as far as where my blood pressure is suppose to be. April showed 10 normal readings and the hypertension stage 2 reduced mostly to hypertension stage 1 with only two 2’s left. May brought 12 normal readings and no stage 2. In June I missed a few days during my camping adventure but I had pretty much stabilized with 9 normal, 11 elevated, 7 stage 1 and 1 stage 2. Much better than when I started back in February, but still not good enough and I felt ready for the next step. You shall ask and you shall be given. The next steps fell into my lap leaving me feeling grateful and empowered.

With 12 days into my July my blood pressure reading shows 8 normal, 3 elevated and 1 stage 1. I have to two thirds of the month left and I am already grateful knowing I can have the biggest impact yet.

I have lost 6 lbs four days into my juice reboot and I feel great.

Risk factors of hypertension include Aneurysm, Stroke, Chronic kidney disease, Eye damage external link, Heart attack, Heart failure, Peripheral artery disease or carotid artery disease and Vascular dementia.

A scary list I gratefully reduced to a smaller number of chances, and I’m not even done yet. The sky is the limit and with any interest from you, I will continue to share this journey and my learnings. 🙏🏼

Posted in Inspiration

Birthday week Day 5 – Taking time to pamper

On day 5 of my birthday week countdown, I embrace the importance of taking time for yourself. To pamper yourself or do whatever else that makes you feel good. Life is hectic more times than none and it’s easy to skip routines and rituals, tossing them to the wayside in a day that never has enough hours. I have written about it many times and continue to do so, because it’s important and keeping a good balance is life changing.

It’s on this day 5 that send this reminder out to you, and myself, but honestly it feels like I have already turned this into an entire week of pampering. Some of these things I have skipped for far too long, and this week I reintroduced to nourish and take care of myself. Plus you’d be amazed what it can do for your self esteem. Let’s get it straight… life pulls and tugs, it takes us in a million directions each day. At home we relax and let ourselves go. We deserve it, right, and we have worked hard. We are in the comfort of our home, so who’s gonna see anyways! Am I right? But we don’t realize that we are actually doing ourselves and partners a disservice. That it affects our attitude and makes us settle into a routine. A routine that can have many side negative aspects, including being a killer of all romance. So you hopeless romantics out there hear me when I’m saying that it’s not a matter of dressing up, but what about sexy messy? And even if you do dress up and wear your Sunday best, I’d say go for it. What I’m talking about is the messy bun, the long shirt and bare legs, painted toes in leg warmers, maybe no make up but only lipstick. Not practical and you are a busy Mom with kids? You still need to find time to pamper yourself, whatever that means to you. It can be physically or psychologically. A pampered mind is just as important. So if it means you take time out of your day to read, stargaze, dream as the clouds roll by, take a walk in the rain, nap, do some arts and crafts, listen to music or whatever it might be, please give yourself that gift.

My pamper week so far included taking extra care of my skin. It’s summer and healthy, hydrated skin is beautiful all year around but especially in the summer when we showcase it more than usual. Mine happens to glow more since I started the Green juice and with four days in the books I have lost 6 lbs. (In weight, but in reality it feels like much more counting the emotional baggage that so often weighs us down. And PS. this prescheduled Post was written Sunday, 3 days prior to posting it and I hope more pounds have come off by the time this goes active.)

I have started using skincare for my face and body again. Lotions and potions I still have from my days managing a high end beauty shop. Ok long story short, I’m lifting myself back to before the weight and age dragged my facial expressions down. 😂

One of my favorite pamper moments this week was when I decided to color my toe nails. I can’t remember the last time that I did and I loved it. It’s a small thing with a big impact, and immediately I felt sexier and pampered. So even if you have kids or are super busy, I think each woman has that super power and can do it. The way I see it is with painted toes, in legs warmers, bare legs, white long shirt, loose…maybe your mans dress shirt, hair up in a messy bun with red lips. If you need to tone it down maybe add leggings and lose the lipstick. What do you say…instant sex appeal and diva status hahaha. And what about you my dear male readers…wouldn’t you enjoy to see your woman like this? A win win if you ask me. ❤️

Posted in Inspiration

Birthday week countdown Day 6 – Taking a dip

On day 6 of my birthday week countdown and the temperatures being in the 90’s all week, I am treating myself to a dip in the cool blue goodness of my favorite swimming hole. Water always helps the arthritis, loses any tension I might hold in the body, and just look at that place!!! Wouldn’t you love to hang there for the day?

It’s a moderate climb to the lake and the good thing is that it’s only a little over a mile. I don’t do well hiking in the heat and usually by the time I get there, sweating and all, the water is more than inviting to cool off. I remember back to as I hiked it the first time years ago and what challenge it was for me. Having to stop along the way and rest, struggling to catch my breath. It’s almost surreal to think back to it as I realize I was years younger but in worse shape than I am now. I have definitely gotten stronger and these days I can handle the trail with much more ease and without stopping. Even in the heat and I guess I’m just determined to get there sooner rather than later, knowing the water and the rewards await.

The spot I visit has a perfect, big, flat, rock at the water’s edge that is partially shaded by mid afternoon. Usually a breeze kicks up later in the day making it a perfect spot to escape the heat, do a little swimming, and take an afternoon nap. Even with temps in the 90’s down into in The Valley, up there at higher elevation, it usually feels comfortable and much better.

It’s also where “Slitherine” lives, a Mama water snake with her baby and it’s the only thing I’m less fond of. I’m sure it’s because several years back I dislocated my elbow in a fall almost stepping on a snake by accident, with over correcting on wet, slippery ground. Since then snakes and I are not the closest friends and I wasn’t happy seeing Mama snake hang out under the rocks where I enter the water. I thought for sure she would be startled just as much as I was and stay away. That was until I was sitting there, on a rock, feet in the water, all of a sudden seeing some movement and her slithering right over my shins. Yeah, unexpected, just like the huge scream I let out hahaha.

Posted in Inspiration

Birthday week countdown Day 7 – Wishing Rocks

Picture taken from Pinterest

My birthday is arriving this month and talking to my girlfriend the other day, she asked me if I was looking forward to my birthday and if I was getting excited about it. For a moment I starred at her written question as if I was observing myself to see how I felt about it. What finally came to mind, was that although so much personal progress had been made recently, it also became apparent of how much hard work it really has been. I was determined and motivated no doubt, but was I enjoying the journey along the way? I couldn’t answer at first, but my realization came in the sense that I really have done very little on the fun side for myself. The pampering side, the laugh out loud side, something that would celebrate ME and all that I had accomplished. Instead I just powered through and kept on in the same manner. I knew I could use a break, and then suddenly I remembered another friend who has always celebrated her birthday with an entire birthday week, taking the week leading up to her birthday to do something meaningful for herself. I decided to partake this year and this is my first post, 7 days out from my birthday, counting down to day my special day with remembering wishing rocks.

I am an avid rock collector and have rocks from every place I ever hiked to. There is always one that catches my eye and my selection has grown quite large over the past 14 years of hiking. So large that on my quest to lighten my load, I have gone through many and relocated them in my front yard. It looks beautiful, but it was hard and I wish could say that this was my forever home where I can always admire them, but I know it isn’t and the time is nearing I will have to say a final goodbye. Yeah, weird I know, and yes we are still talking about rocks.

Somehow I’m attracted to the striped ones and I have a great many. Legend has it that if you find a rock with a white stripe running around it, it is a wishing rock. If you make a wish for yourself, it will come true, but if you make a wish for someone else, ALL your wishes will come true!

Today a wish goes out to whomever is reading this or not, for you to always be safe and that your deepest dreams to come true. 😉

Also last night at 3 AM my elderly neighbor was taken by ambulance and fire department. My prayers go out to here and I hope she is ok. Let’s send her some positive energy and healing vibes. Thank you.

Posted in Inspiration

Today I release…

We constantly evolve. We change, and whether we realize it or not, we don’t stay the same. Our experiences shape us as we travel along the journey, with it leaving ever changing impressions on ourselves. Sometimes finding the timing to realize we have changed and changing our ways on how we deal with our experiences and lessons is not always in sync. Sometimes the same methods don’t work anymore and yet we try to tackle our lessons with old familiar tactics that are simply outdated. If we are not the same anymore, the same results all of a sudden no longer suffice.

But it’s not only our reactive state that’s most important, but also our consciousness and awareness. To recognize these times even if you look back on it in hindsight. You have still recognized it and have the opportunity to correct and address up it course of action. In all honesty, it’s quite a bit that comes at us most of the time, and why not release a little of the energy that makes us feel heavy and weighs us down.

So today I release….let’s say it together.

Toxic thoughts and emotions

Unhealthy environments

Unfruitful relationships

Thoughts of revenge and in forgiveness

Thoughts of envy and strife

Negative words I spoke about others

Negative words I have spoken about myself

I let it go today, right now and I love a life filled with love, peace and freedom.

You may face some of these points from time to time, and you don’t need to be perfect. You have just put it out there for the universe to hear and it’s your intention and your willingness, your awareness and your consciousness that counts. 🙏🏼