Posted in Life, Memories, My story

Struggling…

I’ve been under the weather a little, but I know it is more than that. I just haven’t felt all that great, partly physically and emotionally as well. I hang on to positivity knowing that everything could always be worse and I even have said it to you many of times. This mind-frame has been shaken a little, struggling with allergies and what seems to be an ear infection. With it, it brings extreme sensitivity to noise as everything is amplified and echoes in my ears. Of course a few times here and there your mind wanders, wondering if that is truly allergies or the onset of getting sick with the virus.

Second, no matter how positive you might be, there will be times your outlook is challenged. Nobody is exempt and we all go through it. Nobody skates by or has never had anything challenging happening to them. No, it happens to all of us, what’s different is how we choose to deal with it. And here I am talking that positive talk again, knowing darn well that I am trying to pull myself out of that rut, that feeling of sadness that is not me. But it is at the moment and I guess it too has it’s place and I shouldn’t deny it, but rather acknowledge it and let it pass.

Life has turned into a routine of days strung together with all the same likeness. I keep busy, have lots to do and plenty of hobbies to engage in, and yet some days it’s just challenging. Fact is I’m stuck in a life and living arrangement that has required change for many years, yet it is still the same for reasons I can’t even begin to explain right now. And who is it up to change….me, and nobody else. This pandemic is the final straw and perhaps a way to accelerate things to come. There was a time I could tolerate it much better thinking about all the consequences and potential outcomes, but I can’t anymore. I deserve better and it took a long time to get here.

For the past couple of days, actually since I got sick, I can’t help but feel so sad. It’s hard to watch movies or listen to music, as both only induce tears. A week ago I had to write some tough letters that had me relive my life, explaining it since the time I actually left Germany. I was reminded of how much pain there has been between those years and it was hard to write about it. Yet it needed to be done. I felt a mixture of emotions in doing so, from sadness, embarrassment, fear of being judged, all the way to justification, hurt, perhaps even some shame. I came to terms as to why I felt this way and ended up with the insight and conclusion of how strong I had to be all my life. How I had to handle the tough bits mostly alone and instead of feeling accomplished because I made it through it in one piece, I felt only sadness that all these things happened the way they did. That I had to grow up still being a child. That I was alone with nobody to lean on, to figure it out by myself, adult problems that I wasn’t ready for being only ten years old. I knew I had been too strong for too long, that I had reached the point of having no room for any more. It was undeniable that changes need to be on the horizon, changes that no longer suppress those feelings and ultimately me.

In explaining these things, I knew my upbringing and having to deal with everything alone had a lot to do with it. It was impossible to not acknowledge the distance that always existed between Mom and me over the course of my lifetime. “Get it together and be strong” was the motto and what I saw from her as my role model. I followed her footsteps but in actuality all it did was suppress the pain and feelings that got trapped inside. Explaining myself, I knew this to be true, but how was I going to explain it without making Mom look bad. Or making it sound like I was justifying myself. I wasn’t, but needless to say, of course there are things I wished I would have never experienced. And even here, another part of me will tell you and knows that these things were all necessary to shape me into who I am today. In the end I know that revisiting the past took a lot out of me and many tears fell. Tears that gone unnoticed, tears cried alone like always, or most of the time.

Shortly after that Mom started to visit me. Daily there is something that reminds me of her, some sort of sign. First the poster with the dragonfly, to a copy of an old handmade card I once wrote her, to my aunt sending me pictures of Mom, my uncle talking about visiting our loved ones at the cemetery, she appears even more now it seems. Maybe because I need her and felt bad, physically and because of the struggle of explaining myself. Maybe she was mad at me which I don’t think although it would be her reaction considering the past and how things were. Or perhaps she is understanding for the first time the pain this has caused me over the years. Maybe she is seeing it from a different perspective other than hers for the first time. Maybe it is now that she truly knows my heart. I don’t know.

Much is going on. The earth is ascending, turning into a new earth. The planets and the moon are affecting our overall state of being. Being sick on top of it seems like a perfect explanation as to why one is not at the top of their game. It could be a lot of things and who cares, maybe it doesn’t need to be explained and justified. It just is, one reason or another doesn’t matter or won’t change it.

The reason I wanted to share this with you, because I know I am not alone and you all fight battles few know about. I wanted to share this to let you know that others feel the same, that it’s ok and that it will pass. Other, better times are around the corner. Go and have a good cry, acknowledge the sadness, pamper yourself and tend to your not feeling well. You’ve been strong for too long trying to juggle it all. You are a super hero most days and I see you and all the amazing things you overcome on a daily basis, but it’s time and even super hero’s need a little TLC at times. I could name a few of you that this applies to and today all I can say is that you are amazing and I am glad to have you in my life. And I today I remember to apply the same to myself and I too deserve to be reminded.

Thank you and big love my friends ❤️

Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

22 thoughts on “Struggling…

  1. That 5th paragraph, Rhapsody, is so true. I feel like a truck has run me over, yet how can I?? Mum put up with and survived so much more. She taught me to hide myself..if I hadn’t started blogging..if I’d not met you and others…I am so fortunate I have and did!!
    Love you my dear friend. xo Kris

    Liked by 3 people

  2. When I read through this I could have sworn you were talking about me, this life that can drag us kicking and screaming until you do reach that point where you ‘just want a hug’, and let is stop for just a while.
    And it will, as it finishes stitching another piece of your heart. And when it tests this new scar will be when you meet someone special and it really expands with the love you feel or the beauty in a flower or a lovely comment by a friend…or even just thinking of your mom.
    I hear you dear lady, along this sometimes lonely path, simply because it is up to you to take another step. But be assured there are many, many hearts along with you and care like you wouldn’t believe. So much empathy because they too can feel your pain but do know what it is like to have a kind word, a heartfelt look or a great big hug to take it away for a little while.
    So in my heart I give you that hug my friend, a very big heartfelt hug that isn’t a moment but a holding until it eases and can let you breath again, a real energy of giving so that even that smile you know is in there can take a peep and know its ok 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 🌹 🌈 💐 💚 💙 💜 💕 💞 💓 💗 💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Then you my dear friend was in need of a big hug as well and I gladly send one back to you.
      Thank you for all your kind words as always. You know this journey like no one else and you always understand so perfectly. Big hugs. Xo ❤️💋😘🦋💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And gladly received kind lady. These connections are like the air we breathe or pajamas and mussed up hair at the breakfast table. That comfort that allows us to just be us, with friends. Thank you 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

        Liked by 1 person

  3. First of all, many huge hugs for you, you deserve them and so much more, dear friend.
    You are so good to express yourself, which might help you in your next process. Please tell me, if I can be of any help there.
    You are right, we are all struggling in times and the most important is, how we choose to react to it.
    Please take good care of yourself.
    Sending you much healing and love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words my friend. I know you understand and I am grateful for your help. I’m feeling better and know that these times will always be part of ourselves. Perhaps resurfacing when we need to take a break from being strong all the time.
      Much love to you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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