The last couple of weeks have been emotionally and physically tiring. I feel the drain, and have talked about it in previous posts. I’m not complaining, my breathing is fine 😉, and I’m just plugging away. I’m just being observant to what’s going on, so I can take care of myself, the thoughts I’m having and the feelings I’m feeling. And then of course there is mercury retrograde again which explains it, doesn’t it?
My time is occupied with serious family matters, friendships and trying to get something going as far as “youniqua” the business I’m trying to build is concerned. All my creative energy has been put into this project. I don’t have to think much and it’s calming and soothing to me. But I should start to earn an income again, better yet I need to, and it’s been two years. Two years of which I spent 13 months in Germany, making Mom and later myself the priority for healing. I’m lucky, I was able to do so, as I feel I might not be here if I had to indulge in the stress and all the other hectic that contributed to my own chronic illness.
In between, I have tore the entire house upside down to eliminate potential allergies Ive struggled with. I’ve cleaned and donated much to the needy and chronically ill. I have to do another round and start all over to get rid of more. I’ve been more active, changed my diet for a healthier lifestyle and have lost 8 lbs so far. People have come and gone in my life and today I struggle a little with loss in general.
It’s been a lot of loss over the past year. I lost Mom, and it’s natural that some days just catch up with me and remind me. It was around this time two years ago everything started going downhill as I was confronted with having to admit her into a nursing home. Despite all odds we became closer then ever, and it’s hard to believe that she has been gone for over 5 months. Shortly after that there was the loss of my aunt who passed as well, and the pain cycle repeated all over. I lost my girlfriend of many years, even decades, although the friendship was over a long time ago. It was amazing how little we had in common left. Actually I couldn’t name a thing now other that we played ping pong together. It just never became that apparent, living that far away from each other and seldom seeing each other. I lost someone special due to love and not being able to answer that call. I still struggle with it and miss that connection more than I can say. Others have distanced because apparently there was nothing material to be gained. I get it all, but felt used and if no use. I know many of our encounters, simply run their course. We enter each other’s life for a reason, to help and support, lend a shoulder to lean on, or a helping hand. Sometimes we receive and sometimes we give. I even understand that we outgrow people as our journey changes and our path becomes different, or is it our priorities that change and why it feels so painful? Maybe it’s because I never feel that is me doing the leaving. To no longer be that priority, to feel discarded and replaced? I don’t know, but regardless what loss it is we experience, I wish for a break for awhile. No more loss and friendship that celebrate the true meaning of friendship, valuing each other for our humanly assets not the material ones.
Thank you for letting me speak my mind. I’m ok, just didn’t want to hold on to that energy.
Don’t miss tomorrow segment of “Created by storms” as another shoutout is due to another special friend.