Posted in Life, Mom

As life goes on

A month has passed since your funeral, and you’ve been gone for almost two month. Some days, which are most days, are still so surreal and hard. I am waiting to wake up from this horrible dream, but I won’t and you are gone. I know you are always with me, you continue to live within my heart, and yet it is not the same as nothing replaces you physically being here. To hear you talk, to laugh with you, just seeing you be. Days are tough but the nights are the worst. When the hectic from the day returns to silence and the grief finds a way to be felt louder. I just can’t believe you are gone, that we never talk again. Some days I am angry at you for leaving like this, without anything. You knew and yet you took your secret with you, without saying anything, no word for me, or the ones left behind to mourn and miss you so much. And yet I understand and I know you could have not let go otherwise. I truly hope that you are at peace. I can’t say that I am yet and most days start with tears and end with tears. Not counting the hours in between where memories sneak in and remind me. I sorted more of your paperwork and last things from the nursing home. The things that were with you last, that witnessed the energy of your life dwindle away. It’s hard and it never goes without heartbreak to touch those things.

Monday was extra emotional for me and I didn’t put it together at first. I kept busy for part of the day, but soon realized that after my errands, I was looking for ways to distract myself. I was treating myself with a new lipstick. I bought the same one last year and it quickly became a favorite, until I lost it once I returned to the states. It’s a miracle I found the same one again, but it soon had me tears as I walked out of the store.I knew all too well that I was placing a bandaid onto what really was going on, that I was trying to lift my spirits. I was running from the memories, and my feelings. I know it’s no solution, but sometimes I feel I have to. Sometimes I feel that the sadness is physically manifesting inside of me and there are a few reasons as to why I say this. In any case, I did my best while I suddenly remembered that it was a month since your funeral.

I have nearly one month left here in Germany, and much still needs handling. It’s been a crash course in all sorts of things and it’s amazing how much you learn in a short time. What needs to be taken care of and handled, and what might not get done in time.

I have a court appointment on Wednesday about the inheritance, getting the house into my name and so forth. I need to be identified as next of kin and the only one. I arranged to get a copy of my birth record. It looks different then my birth certificate which is in the States, and I found out what time I was born. I have always wondered, but Mom never really remembered the exact time. It was 7:45 AM, July 20th, at home, in a little village called Marktbergel is when I saw my first light. I cried as I saw it, with a different meaning I never thought of before. In the past I was curious about the time for astrology reasons, but now I was thinking that it was “that moment” when our story began. The story of Mom and me, when she gave birth to me and I became her daughter in the physical world.

Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

21 thoughts on “As life goes on

  1. It is such a painful thing of your moms returning, and it is compounded by the many things around it that must be done in such a short space of time. And in that, all of her things will touch your heart like never before, and there are so many of them.
    But that too has the beauty of touching you, remembering her in so many ways. To allow that grief and the bittersweet memories that is the journey you shared…and still do.
    Much love and light to you Rhapsody, and a hug to share that pain ❤️ xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Time is running and flying by. I can’t believe how much I accomplished and what an overwhelming amount could and to some point still needs to be done. It’s been hard to say the least.
      To find Dads death certificate from 45 years ago as he died in an accident at work which I never gotten over. To find papers about being a partial orphan and much more.
      Thank you for the light, some days I still need it so much ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Am sorry for your lost. Two months is still very fresh, I know that feeling. “Some days I am angry at you for leaving like this, without anything.” This is really touching. Give it time. You know what, this is also the part of life that we must allow ourselves to experience. It is beautiful in a strange way. A time will come when you will look back on this event and be glad that you have had this experience. You are never alone. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think I understand what you are saying and I dare to say that I have experienced small glimpses of this feeling already. It is strange, beautiful and painful all in one. Sometimes the pain is so raw and letting it out without holding back is as if you really get in touch with yourself, feeling and experiencing it all. In a strange way it’s comforting and necessary. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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