Posted in Life, Mom

Walking with Mom

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This is a highly emotional and personal post. A walk and journey I am sharing with Mom, mostly alone but also with you as many of you have walked this path before me. Oh sure there are loving people on the sidelines that want to help, and I am grateful and willing to accept whatever help I can, and whenever times make it possible for me to tap into. But mostly this is a journey only a Mother and Daughter will make at some point. I’ve been afraid of “that point” for a long time, and in actuality have prepared for it all of my life, but can one ever truly be prepared? I don’t think so.

It was last Saturday when the message finally came and when everything escalated. After briefly talking to Mom the Tuesday before, she was already admitted back into the hospital the very next day with acute breathing problems. I was told that she can’t breathe and therefore is not eating. She has water in her lungs and her heart is failing. That she can’t talk because everything is very strenuous for her and that a visit had to be cut short because of her state of being. It was on that day, that for the first time ever I felt Moms spirit leaving. It was the first time I ever felt this way, and Mom has defied the odds being deathly ill a few times before. In the past I was always convinced that it wasn’t her time, and although I was worried because I didn’t want to see her suffer, I never believed that she was in any real danger. And she always pulled through, surprising everyone about her remarkable recovery. Until now…this was different. There are signs I don’t want to acknowledge but which I see clearly. There is intuition I want to ignore and there is a knowing I wish wasn’t there. There is a hunch, a feeling that can’t be denied and yet in a way one hopes to be wrong. But for what? To buy a few more weeks, months, perhaps a year? Precious time indeed and a day could be the best present ever, but it comes with a price. For the ones that suffer and the ones who wait fear of that call.

It’s been a rollercoaster week and things are getting worse with no improvement. The nursing home has already contacted me wanting to know how to proceed. Wanting to honor Mom’s wishes to be left alone, in her own surroundings, and her not wanting to go back into the hospital. I am to decide what’s next, but what’s next is not really in my control is it? A few emails were exchanged, some a bit heated, stating that it was my utmost hope that the question of whether to even call an ambulance the next time, could surely not have been a valid question or concern. Someone is in need…you call for help, no need to ask.

I was told Mom is weak and has no will to fight left in her. I know I can’t blame myself, but I also know that it is because she is giving up hope that I will be back, to be by her side, to take her home. She has no strengths left to survive, facing a place she doesn’t want to be and I wished this could have been different and she could have stayed at home. I will always feel horrible about that and I will always have to remind myself that this was the only way for her to survive. I couldn’t have lived with that death sentence of leaving her home alone. In a way it turned out to be a death sentence either way now and Mom never adjusted to the home. There are no winners walking away here.

I am in the process of leaving for Germany shortly as time is of the essence and I might be too late already. I am not ready to go and honestly it scares the hell out of me, but I am hoping to leave next week sometime. I know i have to pick up my swords of love and faith once more, despite being still so tired and not a 100% healthy myself yet. But I have no choice and I can feel my body preparing myself. Strong at times but also allowing myself to feel the emotions of grief and loss that awaits. Right now the stronger side is still winning, and it’s almost like shock is taking over, my soul is protecting me from the harsh reality that is sure to catch up soon enough. But for the moment I find myself in a place of having be strong because being strong is all there is left.

I was strangely calm, after journeying to connect with Mom energetically. I can’t ask her to stay for selfish reasons if she is ready to go. She has been lonely for a long time and Dad is waiting for her. It is hard to say that it would be best for all if she no longer suffered and wasn’t around. When all burdens of looking after a helpless and dependent person were gone. When my life is could resume without being in limbo and fused with the guilt of feeling helpless, unable to give Mom the answers she so much wanted to hear from her loving daughter. It sounds awful and the only thing that carries me is to see an end to her suffering and unhappiness.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

35 thoughts on “Walking with Mom

  1. It is most certainly never an easy journey and the only thing I can impart to you is, you’ve done everything that you can, all with your heart and that love of a daughter. The only thing that can ever make it more uncomfortable is to be left with ‘I wish I said or did this or that’. Say what you and your moms hearts truly need to say or hear, and you will both be at peace.
    In truth, just being there with her is the most heartfelt gift you can give. It doesn’t matter if you don’t make it across in time, intent is a love all its own.
    Much love, light and strength to you both Rhapsody…and a huge hug too xo 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear RhapsodyBoheme,

      I would like to second mark’s empathetic comment, and also to commend you on your examining the nature of your ambivalence and guilt coupled with your anguish over the impending finality of your mother’s life, even as you are trying your best to reflect on, and come to terms with, your relationship with her.

      I would like you to know that you are not alone, as I too have had to go through a similar journey and process to yours, to the extent that I have had to face and bear the encroaching mortality of someone whom I have cared for a long time. Each extra day was a bonus but also a bittersweet dance with the ebbing away of life right before my eyes.

      Here’s the long and special eulogy at https://soundeagle.wordpress.com/2019/08/31/khai-khim-for-always-and-beyond-goodbye/

      I miss her so much. . . . . even more so right here and now, as the sentiments in your post resonate with my profound experience of loss . . . .

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing this with me. You are right, it is never easy and many have walked before me and will after me, experiencing the same heartache, although each story is unique, personal and perhaps never the same until it becomes your story. And yet the loss and the pain can feel so similar.
        It has only been a few days since Mom passed, and I can agree with you and the feeling that I seem to miss her more than ever before. I’ve tried so hard to not have any regrets, to not leave a stone unturned, to not say “I should have, or I wish I had” and still I find myself going there wishing I had done more. It’s an awful feeling.
        Thank you for sharing your journey, I will definitely check out your blog post.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for your patience. You do know I have been quite busy and my mother passed away. I usually respond much quicker, so please forgive me if this hasn’t been my priority and other things needed attention first.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I am sorry for your loss and I did read your tribute to your Mom. I was unable to leave a comment so I had to come back here. Your mother was a special
        Lady as I am sure all of our mothers are. May she Rest In Peace and may you find love and stillness in your heart.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Dear RhapsodyBoheme,

        Thank you for your reply. Given the quality of your reply, and the friendship that we share, not to mention that we both lost our mothers recently, it would really mean a great deal to me if you could kindly find a way to copy and paste your said reply to the said eulogy, and perhaps expand on your reply if you have more to add at the comment section of the eulogy at https://soundeagle.wordpress.com/2019/08/31/khai-khim-for-always-and-beyond-goodbye/

        Besides, I would very much like to do a proper reply to your comment there.

        Since the eulogy is a very long and involved post, please be informed that you might need to use a desktop or laptop computer with a large screen to view the rich multimedia contents available for heightening your multisensory enjoyment at my websites, some of which could be too powerful and feature-rich for iPad, iPhone, tablet or other portable devices to handle properly or adequately. A fast broadband connection is also helpful. 🙂

        Having stated that, if you are still having trouble with commenting, then please consult a technologically savvy friend or relative to help you to comment.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I am in Germany at this time. I do not have a WiFi connection and I am using a pay as you go outside provider, so this is part of the problem and I wo t be able to go into your post into detail at this time. I had a lot of trouble just trying to load it to be honest and it’s just not possible right now. I am sorry and wish you the best.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Intent was the key and I connected with her spiritually a few times before she passed, telling her all I needed to say. Still it leaves me a little vulnerable and lost, wanting to have been there, next to her, holding her hand to physically give her the sense that she was not alone. I feel that she was at peace and no longer scared and I will try really hard to trust this feeling and intuition.
      Thank you so much Mark. You always have just the right thing to say for me. ❤️ hugs xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That is why the dragonfly spoke to you, she was letting you know she is in the most beautiful place, safe and being held by the most glorious love you can ever imagine. Her journey is complete to find that unconditional, and she was letting you know of that and giving you courage to find yours. Big hugs, love and light Rhapsody, you are most certainly stepping into yours xox ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Just give your heart time dear lady, it is the greatest healer even though it feels like it will never end. Take a deep breath and ‘know’ you are both shining that light within on this path and oh so close to that peak we strive for 💜
        Big hugs 💜

        Liked by 1 person

      3. All I can do is the best to my ability each day. It’s a journey where grief and tears are called for. Where all feelings need to be acknowledged and experienced to let the energy flow through you without manifesting illness down the road.
        Hugs ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear friend, I hear you and feel with you. You have been the most loving daughter, as you have been able to be. You are not to blame for living your own life through many years in another country, than where you were born.
    We are all born as individuals and we need to be responsible for ourselves. Some adults and older people have never learned to be responsible for themselves. They were told different as kids.
    We are all responsible for our own happiness and you have given up so much for being your mothers daughter, what ever she deserved or not. You have walked that way so much longer, than many people, I have known through life, myself included, would be able to do. Remember that!
    Continue to send you love, healing and light ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are absolutely right my dear friend and I know that al I did was to live my life the best I could. Mom never could do this for herself and was passive most of her life, depending on others for her happiness. It leaves me sad of what sheltered life she truly lived, but it was her choice and what she wanted, so I guess it was ok and she found nothing missing. How much I would have loved to take her by the hand though and show her some treasures of the world like the ocean or the big mountains. It was mainly during the time I tried to live and peruse my own life that I could have done so, while she was still healthy. Back then I was stuck in a job that never really cared and my attention was focused on the wrong thing with little choices to change it then. Isn’t that something…

      Liked by 2 people

      1. While you were in Germany last year with your Mom, she wasn’t healthy either, so it would have been more difficult for you to show her anything in the nature, as you treasure so much for yourself, Rhapsody.
        Your Mom wasn’t able to walk much by herself back then, so don’t feel bad about that.
        I do understand, that you miss her and so much would have loved to do even more for her, but not all people wish the same for themselves.
        You do also need to live your own life, just as you have done until now.
        I wouldn’t have been able to do as much for my Mom, as you have done for yours.
        Much love to you, dear friend ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      2. You are right and I meant in earlier years. She had a lot of trouble walking last year steady, there wasn’t much I could have done. Its just sometimes we wish we could go back in time and things could have been different. But life always has plans of their own.
        Much love to you ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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