Posted in Life, Mom

When life happens

It was last Saturday evening that I was starting to get sick. A little discomfort here and there, still hopeful that it would pass. By Sunday morning I was in the midsts of a violent, full blown RA flare up, bringing some new symptoms never experienced before. If I never had a migraine in my life, this definitely was one. My eyes kept going cross eyed and I couldn’t shake the pounding in my head. Not even three Advil’s did the trick. All I wanted to do is sleep. There was dizziness and hot flashes. I felt lethargic with no energy, at times not even capable of forming a thought. I don’t even know how I managed the trip to the store to get medicine, and luckily I didn’t have to drive or go alone.

Another symptom were throbbing pains, especially in my hands. Walking was also painful, although partially because of a bad sunburn acquired from expired sunscreen. There wouldn’t be much to do of anything besides sleep and praying to get better. Within a few hours of running a rheumatic fever, the blisters developed on most of my upper lip and chin area. One of the worst symptoms and the one most persistent. No lotion, no make up, no nothing. Just ugliness at its finest, smack dab in your face.

Why now I thought, already knowing the answer. In a heartbeat life brings a reminder of how quickly things can change. I haven’t talked about Mom in a long time. Nothing has changed and she hates being in the nursing home. We usually Skype every other day, but something happened last Wednesday and she wasn’t herself. Just moments into the conversation I realized how agitated Mom was and I could see it all over her face. I questioned her about what was going on and she had some harsh things to say in regards to me leaving her there and being the reason as to why she must stay there. Dad came into play again, and threats came up, mixed with insults and bad names. It was very hard to hear, but I realized that she was speaking from a place of fear and being alone. I know that she has open wounds again and I’m sure she is not happy hearing about it, let alone being instructed or told what to do about it. I found out she blames me now for not being able to get better, because I am keeping her in such a horrible place. In the end I was unable to turn things around and to meet her with love and faith. She choose not wanting to have a part of it and instead closed the iPad and hung up. I would lie if I said it didn’t hurt and upset me. Yes it’s not my mother talking when she acts like this, but try and listen to it and be on the receiving end while you are doing all you can.

Nearly six months have past since I left and is losing hope and faith that I come back to take her home. Nearly six month of trying to get back on my own feet and healthy. She is out of reality that it is not possible unless her home is remodeled to accommodate her in the wheelchair. She doesn’t want to do those things, but doesn’t realize that her current housing situation (at home) no longer fits her needs and it is me who gets caught in the crossfire. She has decided not to talk to me since and it’s been almost a week of me trying to reach her. Besides today….

Monday’s and Tuesday’s are usually my days with Mother Nature, hiking, trying to get my strengths back to join a regular life again, including a job which I soon have to seriously consider. I didn’t go out on Monday for various reasons, and for not being well, physically and mentally. I could have called her, but I couldn’t bring myself to sit here, and to keep hitting redial, being sad and disappointed on top of things, knowing that her stubbornness very well prevent her from answering. I couldn’t put myself through it, although I know that if it wasn’t for me who always comes around, we probably had many occasions already to never talk again. And second, if she would have answered, I wasn’t in a position to cheerlead and cheer her up today. Nothing would have been achieved. So here we are, with me, continued at her mercy, and hopefully one day she feels like talking again. I know she has her reasons and fears, her dislikes and grudges, but I can’t bring her home and leave her to die. It almost happened a few times already. I wish she could acknowledge this, instead of punishing me with the silent treatment to inflict more guilt. There is no extra help needed and I am well there already.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

19 thoughts on “When life happens

    1. You are so right my friend and I have been there the last six month, trying to get my own life back. It’s a delicate balance and seldom do we realize the consequences until things are in full swing already. I had to be so strong, in power mode that my symptoms didn’t surface until I relaxed a little. And boy did they surface. I am getting better though and thank you for your kind words. Hugs

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    1. Thank you goodness it was short lived except the blisters around my mouth that are still here. Thank you so much for the good vibes and healing thoughts. They sure helped and you helped make a difference for me. Big hug ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a million Lisa. I am getting better, although that fever blister is taken it’s time. Of course it is.
      Mom is in the hospital and in good hands. Fingers crossed she’ll recover soon as well. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  1. That sounds like Sunstroke, my sister. The migraine, dizziness, blistering and feverish disorientation are all classic symptoms. I hope you feel better now.

    You care about your Mom. You don’t need to justify her care. You are doing the very best for her needs. Be calm and comforted that you are not the enemy, despite her protestations. She is not able to be rational. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry to hear of this storm of problems, Rhapsody. I hope that things will improve. My 97 year old mother is now in a home (from 2 weeks ago) and it looks like it will be permanent. She had been through mental and physical ups and downs and I have tried to forgive myself for when I wasn’t been there. I don’t think we can help anyone else if we don’t care for ourselves first. I became stressed in body and mind, and in that state, I couldn’t care for others. Once I recovered, I could help mum.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much Steve. I am sorry for your situation as well and it’s never easy, regardless at what age. I try to remind myself that she is receiving the best care, despite of not wanting to be there. It’s the only way she can survive at the moment though, although she doesn’t see it this way.
      I also know about not being good for anyone when we are not well ourself. It’s been a long road of recovery and I still have some ways to go. Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s nice to connect with people who know what it’s like. Have a great week.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I hear only your love for her and her inability to understand, please don’t give her your energy … look after yourself she is in the best place for her health. Don’t call until you really want to, let her stew. She may eventually call you, we can hope …

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is such wonderful advice and most of the times it works. Every once in awhile it does get to me and I wished her life didn’t had to have been so hard. Luckily we moved past this and she is talking again. She got hospitalized and I think got a good scare.
      Thank you so much. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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