Posted in Life, Mom

When life happens

It was last Saturday evening that I was starting to get sick. A little discomfort here and there, still hopeful that it would pass. By Sunday morning I was in the midsts of a violent, full blown RA flare up, bringing some new symptoms never experienced before. If I never had a migraine in my life, this definitely was one. My eyes kept going cross eyed and I couldn’t shake the pounding in my head. Not even three Advil’s did the trick. All I wanted to do is sleep. There was dizziness and hot flashes. I felt lethargic with no energy, at times not even capable of forming a thought. I don’t even know how I managed the trip to the store to get medicine, and luckily I didn’t have to drive or go alone.

Another symptom were throbbing pains, especially in my hands. Walking was also painful, although partially because of a bad sunburn acquired from expired sunscreen. There wouldn’t be much to do of anything besides sleep and praying to get better. Within a few hours of running a rheumatic fever, the blisters developed on most of my upper lip and chin area. One of the worst symptoms and the one most persistent. No lotion, no make up, no nothing. Just ugliness at its finest, smack dab in your face.

Why now I thought, already knowing the answer. In a heartbeat life brings a reminder of how quickly things can change. I haven’t talked about Mom in a long time. Nothing has changed and she hates being in the nursing home. We usually Skype every other day, but something happened last Wednesday and she wasn’t herself. Just moments into the conversation I realized how agitated Mom was and I could see it all over her face. I questioned her about what was going on and she had some harsh things to say in regards to me leaving her there and being the reason as to why she must stay there. Dad came into play again, and threats came up, mixed with insults and bad names. It was very hard to hear, but I realized that she was speaking from a place of fear and being alone. I know that she has open wounds again and I’m sure she is not happy hearing about it, let alone being instructed or told what to do about it. I found out she blames me now for not being able to get better, because I am keeping her in such a horrible place. In the end I was unable to turn things around and to meet her with love and faith. She choose not wanting to have a part of it and instead closed the iPad and hung up. I would lie if I said it didn’t hurt and upset me. Yes it’s not my mother talking when she acts like this, but try and listen to it and be on the receiving end while you are doing all you can.

Nearly six months have past since I left and is losing hope and faith that I come back to take her home. Nearly six month of trying to get back on my own feet and healthy. She is out of reality that it is not possible unless her home is remodeled to accommodate her in the wheelchair. She doesn’t want to do those things, but doesn’t realize that her current housing situation (at home) no longer fits her needs and it is me who gets caught in the crossfire. She has decided not to talk to me since and it’s been almost a week of me trying to reach her. Besides today….

Monday’s and Tuesday’s are usually my days with Mother Nature, hiking, trying to get my strengths back to join a regular life again, including a job which I soon have to seriously consider. I didn’t go out on Monday for various reasons, and for not being well, physically and mentally. I could have called her, but I couldn’t bring myself to sit here, and to keep hitting redial, being sad and disappointed on top of things, knowing that her stubbornness very well prevent her from answering. I couldn’t put myself through it, although I know that if it wasn’t for me who always comes around, we probably had many occasions already to never talk again. And second, if she would have answered, I wasn’t in a position to cheerlead and cheer her up today. Nothing would have been achieved. So here we are, with me, continued at her mercy, and hopefully one day she feels like talking again. I know she has her reasons and fears, her dislikes and grudges, but I can’t bring her home and leave her to die. It almost happened a few times already. I wish she could acknowledge this, instead of punishing me with the silent treatment to inflict more guilt. There is no extra help needed and I am well there already.

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

19 thoughts on “When life happens

    1. You are so right my friend and I have been there the last six month, trying to get my own life back. It’s a delicate balance and seldom do we realize the consequences until things are in full swing already. I had to be so strong, in power mode that my symptoms didn’t surface until I relaxed a little. And boy did they surface. I am getting better though and thank you for your kind words. Hugs

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    1. Thank you goodness it was short lived except the blisters around my mouth that are still here. Thank you so much for the good vibes and healing thoughts. They sure helped and you helped make a difference for me. Big hug ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  1. That sounds like Sunstroke, my sister. The migraine, dizziness, blistering and feverish disorientation are all classic symptoms. I hope you feel better now.

    You care about your Mom. You don’t need to justify her care. You are doing the very best for her needs. Be calm and comforted that you are not the enemy, despite her protestations. She is not able to be rational. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry to hear of this storm of problems, Rhapsody. I hope that things will improve. My 97 year old mother is now in a home (from 2 weeks ago) and it looks like it will be permanent. She had been through mental and physical ups and downs and I have tried to forgive myself for when I wasn’t been there. I don’t think we can help anyone else if we don’t care for ourselves first. I became stressed in body and mind, and in that state, I couldn’t care for others. Once I recovered, I could help mum.

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    1. Thank you so much Steve. I am sorry for your situation as well and it’s never easy, regardless at what age. I try to remind myself that she is receiving the best care, despite of not wanting to be there. It’s the only way she can survive at the moment though, although she doesn’t see it this way.
      I also know about not being good for anyone when we are not well ourself. It’s been a long road of recovery and I still have some ways to go. Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s nice to connect with people who know what it’s like. Have a great week.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I hear only your love for her and her inability to understand, please don’t give her your energy … look after yourself she is in the best place for her health. Don’t call until you really want to, let her stew. She may eventually call you, we can hope …

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is such wonderful advice and most of the times it works. Every once in awhile it does get to me and I wished her life didn’t had to have been so hard. Luckily we moved past this and she is talking again. She got hospitalized and I think got a good scare.
      Thank you so much. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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