Posted in Life, Poetry

Silver – and you…

“How many years of beauty do I have left? she asks me. How many more do you want? Here. Here is 34. Here is 50.

When you are 80 years old and your beauty rises in ways your cells cannot even imagine now and your wild bones grow luminous and ripe, having carried the weight of the passionate life.

When your hair is aflame with winter and you have decades of learning and living and loving sewn into the corners of your eyes and your children come home to find their own history in your face.

When you know what it feels like to fail ferociously and have gained the capacity to rise and rise and rise again.

When you can make your tea on a quiet and ridiculously lonely afternoon and still have a song in your heart. Queen owl wings beating between the cotton of your sweater.

Because your beauty began there beneath the sweater and the skin, remember?

This is when I will take you into my arms and coo YOU BRAVE AND GLORIOUS THING you’ve come so far.

I see you.

Your beauty is breathtaking.

~Jeannette Encinias

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Posted in Life, Mom

Emotional Rollercoaster

As emotions swept over me Saturday night, I couldn’t pinpoint at first what happened. I couldn’t explain as to why I felt so down and emotional with the need to cheer myself up. It’s always something I do and I do it automatically as if going into defense mode, not letting myself drop too far. Often I don’t even realize that I am doing it, and the only time it becomes obvious is when it doesn’t work. When I repeatedly fail to pull myself out and all of a sudden notice what is going on. That’s usually when the real bummer sets in and when I get down, feeling sad to even be in this situation. Maybe it feels a little pity full but what I feel mostly is loneliness when it happens.

Slowly I began to realize that it had to do with the heartfelt Mother’s Day post I written for Mom. That on this special day that was coming up, Mother’s Day, I missed her even more and wished I could have held her tight and be with her. The effects lingered all throughout the next day and talking to Mom this morning via FaceTime, it was almost as if she picked up on it, as if my mood had transferred to her. I think it’s always special days like these, or special memories about days that are not so ordinary, that make it tougher for her to be where she is. And I think that it is not just a matter of missing her, but also knowing this on a subconscious and conscious level, not being in a position to do much or help, that brought on my own blues.

What I can say? They say that the bond between a mother and a daughter is special and that a mother will always want the beat for her daughter. This definitely true, but it also works the other way around and this daughter will always want the best for her mother. ❤️

Posted in Love, Mom

No one like you

There is no one like you Mom, and I hope all daughters feel that way about their mothers. Today and any day. There is a special bond that connects us for all eternity, through thick and thin. Today on Mother’s Day it is not nearly enough to celebrate you and give thanks for all that you have done for me. I wouldn’t be here without you, but you have given me so much more than life. You are the strongest person I know and some things are hard for me to imagine on how you have managed to overcome them.

You were a hottie and hard to get until you finally agreed to give Dad a chance. I am so glad that I got to learn some of those stories while spending time with you last year. I never knew them before and the love you and Dad shared, was the love of soulmates. Last year brought us closer than ever, and I loved to laugh with you. It makes me wish and long for different circumstances, where you are able to walk and continue to live in your loved, familiar surroundings, but it isn’t so. Maybe this is yet to come, and it is our hopes and dreams that keep us alive. We need to continue to believe.

On this Mother’s Day I am happier than ever to be your daughter and I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being you, a young child that survived a war, the early loss of her husband, a life lived unselfish taking care of your parents, dedicated in many ways to your only child (me), living her life thousands of miles away from you. The impact of such has never been greater and more obvious to me. You have overcome incredible odds, immeasurable pain and heartache, and you are still here, my hero. I love you Mom and I miss you this very much, especially today.

Happy Mother’s Day to you and all the wonderful mothers out there. May your day be blessed and may you always know how much you are valued, appreciated and loved. Thank you for all you do …❤️🦋

Posted in Hiking, Mother nature

Sardine Lake

It’s a late start of the season here at lower Sardine Lake and the Sierra Buttes, due to all the snow this year. But better late than never and I would have not been able health wise to go earlier anyways, so it all worked out. Have you noticed that things always have a way to somehow work out, perhaps even get easier when not resisting and going with the flow. At least in my life it has and I try to practice this way of being as often as I can.

Sardine Lake is a beautiful get away, away from the busy crowds found at Lake Tahoe and always a favorite. There is also a upper Sardine Lake you can hike to, and of course I have a favorite spot there as well 😉. What’s not to love….

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Mom

Milestone

Recently I got involved with felting, mostly wet felting, and have made a few things since then. One such thing is this purse, made of multi color felt. It was my first attempt at such a project and my biggest piece so far. The gold accent piece on the front used to be a necklace I was in the process of discarding. I decided to reclaim it and it lives on with a new purpose. The strap was also repurposed from another bag, and I loved the matching gold accents.

While in the process of making the bag, one day I showed it to Mom who immediately fell in love with it. At that time it looked more like a clutch, missing the strap. Throughout the process, Mom would ask several more times to see the bag, and kept expressing her interest and likes for the piece. It was then that I decided that it should be hers. I finished it off and on it’s way it went, to Germany, to be with Mom, for Mother’s Day and every day there after.

We usually talk every other day through FaceTime, and today Mom received a little added surprise when the package arrived. There was no waiting until Mother’s Day, and she opened it right away. I should have known, could I really expect different, that she would wait? I don’t think so. I wish I could have seen the surprise on her face, and I’m sure it was unexpected that this would be the content of the package. Still I could see the love and happiness all over her face, hours later as she took it upon herself to show me her treasure as if it hadn’t come from me. She was sharing it anew, showing it off with a big smile on her face. In the meantime a nurse entered the room and full of pride she offered to show her as well, commenting that her daughter had made and sent her this beautiful purse. It was at that point that my heart melted and where I knew with certainty that I did the right thing in sending it to her. I learned just how meaningful it was for her, and for one of the few times in our life’s together, I knew that she was proud of me. Coming to think of, handmade things have always been a bridge and a connection point for us. Something we share in common, something that can impress Mom, and something she values. Perhaps even most important, it was something she could contribute with, hold a conversation without feeling lost or knowing too little about. She knew a thing or two and could appreciate good workmanship, which in turn called for interaction exchanges.

While in Germany, I noticed that in all the years alone Mom had lost her joy for life. There were few things that made her happy these days, and she forgot to value and appreciate the things, if someone did something for her. I think she gotten used to having to fend for herself and to be on her own. She never got her drivers license, which left her vulnerable and dependent to some extend. I guess her way of gratitude was displayed in the form of her paying her way through life in monetary form. Somewhere along those lines common courtesy gestures such as saying thank you fell to the wayside and just stayed unspoken. There were many things I did/bought for Mom while being there and it always was a somewhat uncomfortable moment for her. Something she simply wasn’t used to. She would try to quickly change the subject and distract the conversation into a new direction. I would try to work with her, to verbalize her gratitude and learn to say thank you again in a relaxed and playing manner. I know she understood and yet it remained uncomfortable for her to say a simple “Thank you”. She never did and I didn’t pressure the subject, but I would always gently tell her “You’re welcome” as if in response to her telling me her thank you’s.

I didn’t do it today though and her happiness was evident. It was enough to witness, and it wasn’t a matter of her thanking me for what I had done, that was never the point and what I was after. She was so proud and happy today, but most of all it was clear as day that she had found her joy in life again, in a small thing that made such a big difference. I couldn’t have asked for anything more, but she would hold a surprise for me as well that was yet to come. She was ready and it was time to take another step…even if it wasn’t the physical kind I wish she could also take.

It was at the end of our conversation that she said “All of my many thanks and gratitude to you, for my bag” and smiled. To have experienced such a milestone with her and such a happy moment in a place she still struggles to adjust to, is simply priceless and something I will carry in my heart forever, and for all times to come. 💙

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Mother nature

My Vortex

I had to wait a year and a half to see this place again. I call it my vortex because there is definitely a healing energy field, I feel every time I’m there. It’s calm and peaceful, a tingle in your core being and a knowing that everything is alright.

It was a little challenge to get up there because of the RA, but definitely worth it. Just look at the place. I had to go slow, watching each step to not twist my ankle, and most steps were painful. The good news is that I hiked it better and with more ease, despite, than the very first time I did many years ago. It’s a good sign and a shift for the better has been initiated. It’s time and I’m very grateful for all that us happening lately.

Posted in Death, Life

Life

Life gives and life takes. Just Sunday we celebrated a dear friends birthday, not knowing that another friend I used to work with struggled, and passed away. Chances are while we laugh, someone cries, while we are high on life, someone is deeply depressed, or while we enjoy food in abundance, another lives in poverty and is starving. Those are some extremes, and I’m sure many more could be named. It doesn’t matter where we are or who we are, we each carry our suitcase of troubles.

Saying goodbye to a loved one or friend, we take comfort that they are in a better place, that the suffering is over, and that once again they run wild and free, without pain. Bonnie’s passing made me stop in my tracks and think. It hits home when it’s someone close, someone we know, although people leave this world every day and any day. I’ve always believed that our days are not guaranteed, that tragedy can strike at any moment. I learned young what it feels like to lose someone close when my Dad passed unexpectedly, way before his time. Fact is that there is no timeframe, people die jung and old, and there simple is never a good time to die. It can happen quickly, perhaps more expected with age vs someone leaving us so young like my Dad. Whichever case, I don’t think we can ever prepare to let go, nothing makes it easier, and it remains one of the most painful times we will experience.

It made me think of my own time, having reached a age where many others I’ve known have passed on already. It made me appreciate anew what gift every day is. Sure, some days are filled with aches and pains, some hold memories we rather forget, but despite of it all, every day blesses us with another sunrise or another sunset. The time in between is up to us and we decide how we want to leave our mark.

It made me think about the time we are given here on earth. A time to leave our footprint, to make a difference, to impact, to contribute, to lift each other and support each other, to be a role model, to inspire and to build our legacy. Quite a list and not all inclusive, a list that often starts late, not right out of the gates and requires a special time. A time when we find ourselves, and everything that is true to who we are. A time regardless of what we’re taught. It reminded me that sometimes we have to forget all those things, the things we learned in order to learn again, and let our true self emerge to shine bright.

It’s a time that takes courage and strengths and the path won’t be easy. But it’s also a time that is liberating and freeing, a time you feel closest to who you really are. Bonnie’s passing reminded me that those of us lucky to see another day, are given yet another chance to get it right. Every day offers the opportunity to start new, the choices and chapters are no one others than your own. Your book is empty, waiting to be written with your story, only you are responsible to fill your pages.

Bless you and RIP Bonnie. We love you.

Posted in Awakening, Quotes

The only way

The only way you will ever awaken is through silence, not through analyzation of facts.

Not by sorting out good and bad, but through simple silence, letting go.

Letting go of all thoughts, all the hurts, all the dogmas and concepts.

Letting go of these things daily….

~Robert Adams

Posted in Inspiration, Self care

The Gentle Herd

Artwork: “Epona” Dorrie Joy

Inspiring our connection to the land, this post comes to you from my Earth Pathways Calendar. Here is what it has to say for the month of May, about humanity, trust, unconditional love, and the space to recover and heal. It was giving to me by a special soul, my soul sister Amanda.

The Gentle Herd

We sit quietly, listening to the rustle of the leaves above us, we feel their warm breath across our faces, their whiskers tickling as they brush their muzzles across us, checking us out. Some pass by, pausing for a brief sniff before moving on, the remainder stand in a semi circle facing us. Their heads start to relax and drop, their eyelids begin to lower, nostrils and bottom lips relax. We all bask in the gentle energy that surrounds us. An occasional sigh, a stretch, a shuffle forward closer to us. The big gelding’s face is almost touching my own now. Gentle, despite his size. I look down and see my top is smeared with dirt from inquisitive muzzles.

All have trouble background, but thanks to the provision of unconditional love, healing and the space to recover by their guardian, they have chosen to open their big hearts to us, to trust humans again. I am humbled.

The mark on my top will fade but today will remain in my heart forever.

~Catherine Smith

I would love to hear how this relates to your life, and what your take is. It reminds me that our past’s are seldom perfect. They leave smeared stains on our soul from time to time. It’s a reminder that we all have troubled backgrounds. Some of us share, some of us are silent, and don’t know how to, left to suffer alone. It’s also a reminder to allow space and time for healing, to practice unconditional love. That the choice lies with us to keep an open heart and to trust again.

Posted in Inspiration, Wild

Call of the Wild

To be Wild is not to be crazy or psychotic. True wildness is a love of nature, a delight in silence, a voice free to say spontaneous things, and an exuberant curiosity in the face of the unknown.

-Robert Bly

Celebrating and honoring the Wild in you. The choices you have made to embrace this lifestyle, while being unique and true to yourself, listening to drumbeat of your own heart. You have heard the call…the call of the Wild.