A little over a month has passed since I got back to the states. The intention was to clean up my life of 30 some years, to get rid of unnecessary stuff in the house, and to lighten my load by becoming a minimalist. I managed to straighten up the sitting room (picture), but much more stuff has to go. And it’s only one room for crying out loud. The goals haven’t faded away, but life had different plans for me, some of which I frankly don’t understand yet. The pain amplified since Germany, and many day to day tasks became a real challenge. I can only comprehend it as my body having enough of battle mode, and rendering me almost helpless in an order to heal. Sometimes we don’t realize how long we have been strong, and faithfully our body carries us through those tough times until we no longer have to. Often it is too late, and the damage is done, revealing it’s ugly results to us at a later time. I really think that something like that has happened to me. I didn’t realize how much I gave, not that I could have ever changed it. It was necessary and something I had to go through, but now afterwards, it’s also something to consider for the future. Stress is a strange animal, one not to be taken lightly, and definitely not to be underestimated. And it is something not new to me, something I have experienced before.
After getting back, I was in so much pain that it hurt to move. Well heck, it hurt to sit and there was no way to get comfortable any which way. It was awful and it chipped away at my warrior spirit. It took me 30 minutes just to get dressed. Doing my hair or make up was a joke and like a zombie, definitely the speed of one, I faced each day. I learned that I had to push through the pain by movement to get better, and I did. It was tough to say the least, but soon I noticed that I always felt better when I pushed myself vs. trying to take it easy and rest. It was a delicate balance of pushing beyond the struggle and not overdoing it. I have a long ways to go, but for the most part I remember that it’s worth the fight. There are moments when I can’t, moments that scare me, but luckily these are getting more rare. There are times I am so tired of hurting, and it is then that I have to remember that I can call for help and that I create my own reality with my thoughts. Who knows why this is all happening, but I am sure that part of it is to help others, to tell the story of overcoming adversity, and to find a way to move on. Without a doubt, this has been one of the hardest things I NEVER had a choice of not doing.
Mom is doing well for the most part, but I know she is counting on me to return to take her out of the nursing home. It weighs heavily on me, and while I’d love to be her superhero to make this possible, there are more lives at stake that need to be considered. Explaining such to her is difficult, and ever so often her fears surface. I can only be understanding, even through the personal attacks and try to meet them with love, to the best of my ability. Honestly I don’t know what the solution is when it comes to her and her expectations of me to return to Germany. What to do with her house, as it should be rented out, but even just clearing the house of all that stuff. The apartment of Mom’s parents on the first level is fully intact and exactly how it was as they were alive. Their personal belongings and everything is there, and here am I, struggling with my own house and clearing one room. I don’t think I could move to Germany permanently, and I tried to find my way for ten month, making her a priority. It was hard and rewarding in many respects, and by no means would I want to change any of it, but it has also taken tolls that are taking me forever to overcome. To the point that I had doubts whether I could or not, that’s how bad it got.
But today was a good day, despite of coming down with a sore throat last night and a cold. I surrendered as I went to bed, unable to take on another thing health-wise, and I gave it all away. I asked the universe for help, I called my angels and my soul for help. I called the creator, my guides and helpers, as well as anything and anyone who could help. Amazingly I woke up with no pain and could do the stairs like a normal person instead limping one step at a time. A huge progress, I hope which is here to stay. I know each day is different and the good ones have been far too few in between, but I have to believe that all will be well. My throat is still sore but not as bad as last night and I’m hopeful.
Overall, today was a gift and I’m very grateful for the break. Here is to more days like this and to suffering less. To everything finding it’s way and that the universe reveals it’s plan soon. Whatever it might be, I will continue and try to give my worries away and trust the progress. What else is there…anyways.