Posted in Depression, Life

What a difference – A new day

It started snowing yesterday afternoon, and while a huge storm and high winds whipped the land outside, on the inside I was fighting a different kind of storm. My last post already indicated that I wasn’t in a good place, and if ever I was close to a mental and emotional breakdown, perhaps the day was yesterday. I crumbled under the physical pain I was experiencing, and the emotional stresses of months passed. My insides matched the storm outside, dark and gray, everything felt hopeless and it is those very moments, feeling like this, that scare me to death. I recognize the danger of those times, the vulnerability, and not trusting myself, nor my judgement.

After a better than average night of rest, I woke up to roughly 8 inches of white, heavy powder. The world looked beautiful, covered in its white gown and I was happy of not having to drive to work in it. Surely there had been numerous accidents this morning, and avoiding the whole thing was a true blessing.

I was sitting there, still kind of out of it, having my morning coffee as the iPad rang and announced that Mom was calling. Immediately all the worries about the darn thing not working surfaced, not having talked to Mom in ages, I found myself overwhelmed yet again. With tears in my eyes, looking a mess, almost unable to speak, I found myself answering and found my cousin Moni on the other end. With the help of her husband and some work friends, they had managed to get the iPad reset and reprogrammed again. She made a test call to see if it worked and I couldn’t thank her enough. I don’t even know what I babbled along and I’m running out of thank you’s for her. She has been my rock and has helped me so much while I was there, prior to going, and beyond, I always find myself searching for ways of how I can make it up to her. And I always find myself coming up short. Most likely I will get to talk to Mom tomorrow and I’m relieved. Relieved in the sense of it working again and a few things Moni has shared with me. Apparently Mom has grown very fond of her iPad and was very reluctant to let it go. Bless her heart, embracing technology at 80 years of age, but I know it’s more than that. She loves to listen to her music and was also concerned because it is her only way to communicate with me. She has mentioned only good things about me Moni informed me, and I no longer had to worry about Mom forgetting what we worked so hard on during my stay. A relationship between mother and daughter, and she remembered and tucked that love somewhere deep inside of her. The bitterness seemed to be gone and perhaps the little diary with our pictures I so frantically finished the last couple of days, might have helped as well.

Later on in the day, a beautiful email came through from my soul sister Amanda who has come to know me so well in such a short time. I don’t remember ever being so moved by the words of someone else, especially someone I have never met in person, yet feel such a deep connection with. She knows my heart and soul to a point that’s nearly impossible to understand, and yet she does. Maybe it could be a bit frightening at times to be involved on such a deep, honest and unexplainable level at times, but to me it is a blessing and simply beautiful. I am very grateful that our paths have crossed.

The day got even better in the form that my pain was minimal, and for the first time in two weeks, I seemed to have caught a break. I got myself together, got dressed and put my make up on. Finally, I could see myself in the mirror, after the ugly crying from the morning was all behind me. No longer was I trying to mask the pain with make up behind a tired and aged appearance, but glimpses of myself and a playful inner child surfaced. “Hello, I have missed you” I said to myself in the mirror and vowed that today would be the beginning of the end. To continue to get better, to get healthy, to get my life in order and to pursue my dreams. I felt good and even had a little spirit messenger visit and stay with me for quite some time.

Despite the storm and a cloudy forecast, it was during those moments of hope and newfound belief that the sun came out and stayed all day. And of course I took it as another sign again and reassurance to keep going. I even got out and meet up with someone very special to take a drive in the country. From there we encountered another feisty animal, this time a donkey and there is always something a little unusual that happens when we are around animals. Those always turn into memories to remember and stories to be told for a good laugh later.

What a difference a day can make. All storms pass eventually, but it’s a matter of holding on and riding it to completion that makes you emerge full of hope and faith once more. Stay strong out there, nothing lasts forever, no matter how painful it gets. You got this….

Hugs xoxoxo

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer and I’m not the only one. I am the one holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but has purpose. I’ve made mistakes, and I see them as a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time. In a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off of the hamster wheel to change my future. I didn’t land all that softly, but I still did it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of memories and I chase moments, instead of martial stuff. Less is more, and I prefer quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. Talking about free, I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. I find myself going against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you find a way, you soon realize that it is the only way to not lose who you are.
My past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But now I believe that the past is history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end I realize that we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard, to be accepted, and to find our spot in life. We try hard to fit in, some to the point of acting out of character, playing by the rules of what we think society expects of us. Until we wake one day, feeling empty and lost, with our life passing right in front of us. It’s never too late to change your stars, and it was my toughest moments, who turned out to be my greatest teachers.
They say that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it was darkness who has shown me the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

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