Posted in Life, Mom

Christmas Eve with Mom

This is a special picture and memory for me, one that has been so rare and non existent over the past decades. Spending Christmas Eve with Mom was packed with emotions and full of firsts. Taken in from a much different level than childhood memories, and the adult side now.

I don’t remember ever watching Mom unwrap a present, and here she is overjoyed about the biography book from her favorite hit duo. She was soooo surprised that I found the book and went through all the trouble of getting it. It was almost unbelievable to her that she was actually holding it in her hands. A miracle, perhaps to her. Ahem, yes, thank you, Amazon, 😉 you delivered in more ways than one.

It was a bittersweet night and our last, before departing to the U.S. I miss her greatly and I have been out of touch with her. The iPad I got her also for Christmas to keep in touch apparently performed an update overnight, now asking for a code to get back into which nobody knows or has set. It’s hard to be so far away, unable to resolve issues, with the hopes of getting to talk to her soon again. Luckily my cousin Moni remains to be a big help, but still. It’s hard going from talking and seeing each other just about every day for ten month to nothing at all. I’ve been a mess and I can only imagine how she feels. Sometimes I fear she will forget everything we worked so hard for this year, and that our closeness is getting lost. I know that none of it is really in my control, but there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about her and wonder what she is doing. How her state of mind is, if she is holding up with me being gone, and no contact at all. It truly is frightening and it’s weighing on me. I might be physically removed from the situation, but emotionally my heart is very much attached and I know it continues to affect my health.

Fact is that’s it’s almost been two weeks that I’ve been back, and I’m not getting any better. Maybe I’m not patient enough, not giving myself enough time and rest, but it’s scary since I have never felt like this. Maybe felt close to this, but not with circumstances like these. With pain 24/7, depression becomes a real contender and I struggled hard today. Nothing is resolved and I know Mom is counting on my. I know she needs me, and yet I am no good to here because I have to save myself first. In a dark cloud this morning I was wondering if it was even possible, and everything was very dreary and hopeless. Seldom have I lost my optimistic side and hope. I finally had to stop and distract myself with something that has always been very soothing to me. I painted while listening to soft music in the background. It felt good and I know that I have to allow myself some time for moments like this to nourish my soul.

Still, where do you start when everything is so overwhelming? When you feel too sick to look for a job. What is it even that I want to do now? What can I do at my age now? When you don’t have health insurance anymore because your company went bankrupt while you were in Germany caring for your ill mother. Which also means you can’t go to the doctor to get better. Guess you are just riding out that storm, fingers crossed you make it through. Oh yeah, and remember to do that with no income but your expenses continuing. What if you haven’t worked in ten month, but you are mentally exhausted? When further issues that need attention such as to dissolve a life of thirty years and all you have acquired. Selling a house, blah, blah, blah. I know I am being negative right now and hopefully I am better later. It bothers me to think of what this blog is becoming. Once a place of inspiration, it has become a place of pain. Whatever it might be, it is authentic and real, just like life, our joys and our shortcomings. It’s a place to show you, out there struggling yourself, that you are not alone, and I think that is important because we all need something to hold in to during those times. Nobody is exempt and we all have the pleasure to experience them.

I am not looking for pity, a ton of advice to prioritize things, and the obvious pointers that I am too hard on myself. The cards will fall one way or another, I just needed an outlet and to get some pressure off of my chest. Thank you for letting me do so and for still coming back to this place. It means everything.

Hugs, Xoxoxoxo 💙🦋

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer and I’m not the only one. I am the one holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but has purpose. I’ve made mistakes, and I see them as a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time. In a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off of the hamster wheel to change my future. I didn’t land all that softly, but I still did it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of memories and I chase moments, instead of martial stuff. Less is more, and I prefer quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. Talking about free, I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. I find myself going against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you find a way, you soon realize that it is the only way to not lose who you are.
My past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But now I believe that the past is history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end I realize that we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard, to be accepted, and to find our spot in life. We try hard to fit in, some to the point of acting out of character, playing by the rules of what we think society expects of us. Until we wake one day, feeling empty and lost, with our life passing right in front of us. It’s never too late to change your stars, and it was my toughest moments, who turned out to be my greatest teachers.
They say that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it was darkness who has shown me the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

7 thoughts on “Christmas Eve with Mom

    1. Perhaps, but health wise I really struggled while I was there. I have been gone for 30 Years and I’m not sure if I could go back to live entirely. It’s a difficult balance and someone or something is always left behind. It’s tough to win this one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know you did and I do understand the dry weather is much better for you, but I believe that sometimes change is good for us. 🙂 I know how hard it is to leave someone behind. I also left my mom back in Greece my dad past away a couple of years ago..so I do understand.

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  1. 💕💕💕💕💕 Love to you my sister. The beginning of the year brought in some very strong energies. Many have felt tumultuous changes, not always very positive. This is a clearing time. Old stuff resurfacing and making us look at it really hard. And the energies are forcing us to change. Physical pains are a by product… But they should be starting to ease as we go into the second half of January. ♥️
    Be well and be kind to your soul… It is raw and bruised from being laid bare.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So well stated and fits me to the T. I am ready for the second half of January and the pain is easing. (Most days…fingers crossed).
      I hope you are well and may the new year bring everything to fill your heart with happiness my sister. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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