This is a special picture and memory for me, one that has been so rare and non existent over the past decades. Spending Christmas Eve with Mom was packed with emotions and full of firsts. Taken in from a much different level than childhood memories, and the adult side now.
I don’t remember ever watching Mom unwrap a present, and here she is overjoyed about the biography book from her favorite hit duo. She was soooo surprised that I found the book and went through all the trouble of getting it. It was almost unbelievable to her that she was actually holding it in her hands. A miracle, perhaps to her. Ahem, yes, thank you, Amazon, 😉 you delivered in more ways than one.
It was a bittersweet night and our last, before departing to the U.S. I miss her greatly and I have been out of touch with her. The iPad I got her also for Christmas to keep in touch apparently performed an update overnight, now asking for a code to get back into which nobody knows or has set. It’s hard to be so far away, unable to resolve issues, with the hopes of getting to talk to her soon again. Luckily my cousin Moni remains to be a big help, but still. It’s hard going from talking and seeing each other just about every day for ten month to nothing at all. I’ve been a mess and I can only imagine how she feels. Sometimes I fear she will forget everything we worked so hard for this year, and that our closeness is getting lost. I know that none of it is really in my control, but there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about her and wonder what she is doing. How her state of mind is, if she is holding up with me being gone, and no contact at all. It truly is frightening and it’s weighing on me. I might be physically removed from the situation, but emotionally my heart is very much attached and I know it continues to affect my health.
Fact is that’s it’s almost been two weeks that I’ve been back, and I’m not getting any better. Maybe I’m not patient enough, not giving myself enough time and rest, but it’s scary since I have never felt like this. Maybe felt close to this, but not with circumstances like these. With pain 24/7, depression becomes a real contender and I struggled hard today. Nothing is resolved and I know Mom is counting on my. I know she needs me, and yet I am no good to here because I have to save myself first. In a dark cloud this morning I was wondering if it was even possible, and everything was very dreary and hopeless. Seldom have I lost my optimistic side and hope. I finally had to stop and distract myself with something that has always been very soothing to me. I painted while listening to soft music in the background. It felt good and I know that I have to allow myself some time for moments like this to nourish my soul.
Still, where do you start when everything is so overwhelming? When you feel too sick to look for a job. What is it even that I want to do now? What can I do at my age now? When you don’t have health insurance anymore because your company went bankrupt while you were in Germany caring for your ill mother. Which also means you can’t go to the doctor to get better. Guess you are just riding out that storm, fingers crossed you make it through. Oh yeah, and remember to do that with no income but your expenses continuing. What if you haven’t worked in ten month, but you are mentally exhausted? When further issues that need attention such as to dissolve a life of thirty years and all you have acquired. Selling a house, blah, blah, blah. I know I am being negative right now and hopefully I am better later. It bothers me to think of what this blog is becoming. Once a place of inspiration, it has become a place of pain. Whatever it might be, it is authentic and real, just like life, our joys and our shortcomings. It’s a place to show you, out there struggling yourself, that you are not alone, and I think that is important because we all need something to hold in to during those times. Nobody is exempt and we all have the pleasure to experience them.
I am not looking for pity, a ton of advice to prioritize things, and the obvious pointers that I am too hard on myself. The cards will fall one way or another, I just needed an outlet and to get some pressure off of my chest. Thank you for letting me do so and for still coming back to this place. It means everything.
Hugs, Xoxoxoxo 💙🦋