Life is a carousel, spinning faster and sometimes slower. Mine has been spinning pretty fast lately, and I’m trying to hold on. The pain is still here, worts it’s been for a long time, although now easing a bit, I think, I hope. Not only on a physical level, but mentally I feel overwhelmed. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of fighting.
I have FaceTimed with Mom every day, even if it’s for a few minutes only, as I try to get my bearings back. She smiles at me and I know it is because she carries all the hope she can muster in her heart that I will return and save her in the end. Because I am the only one who can, the only one who considers doing it, and the only one who will.
At times the stresses of months passed melt off and leave me a mess, as if I don’t have to be in battle mode any longer. But I do, and it’s merely the battle that has changed. The fight remains the same, wether I fight for my health, my life, my freedom, or the right to just BE. Someone always cries, no matter where I am. Someone is always left behind and my heart is heavy. Sometimes I’m tired of fighting and today I nearly lost it in the grocery store as I was welling up and felt so lost and overwhelmed. I thought I had a nervous breakdown and I will tend to myself as I get stronger health wise and figure out the next step.
I know it all sounds so sad, but my victory will never be broken. I might lie and bleed for awhile, but my spirit is meant to soar. I am telling it how it is, because even the most inspirational people, have their moments. I’m having mine. I wouldn’t appear to be real if everything was always smiles and roses.
It is not but I am an optimist and it is most of the battle.
Picture: The same carousel still visits my village each year. I rode it as a child with my parents standing on the side lines, while watching me. This year I was the one looking in from the outside, but all there was was darkness and emptiness. Time stood still with memories long past.
Send you strength my friend. Glad you got the FaceTime worked out and that your mom is using it. Looking forward seeing you on the “pad” 🙂 !
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I’m so happy your mom is using the pad. Take time to heal and take care of yourself. All warriors need to rest their soul. Love and hugs to you.💗
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My love, you are an empath so you are carrying your Mom’s pain as well as your own. That is why you feel so confused and up and down. You really need to set a boundary, to connect with what your Mom is feeling only at certain times of the day (when you are prepared and able to differentiate her feelings from your own). Otherwise you may burn out. You are tired and need time to heal your emotional pain. Be slow and easy on yourself. What does not get done is not life threatening… go at a pace dictated by your heart, not your head. 💕💕💕💕💕
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