Life is a carousel, spinning faster and sometimes slower. Mine has been spinning pretty fast lately, and I’m trying to hold on. The pain is still here, worts it’s been for a long time, although now easing a bit, I think, I hope. Not only on a physical level, but mentally I feel overwhelmed. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of fighting.
I have FaceTimed with Mom every day, even if it’s for a few minutes only, as I try to get my bearings back. She smiles at me and I know it is because she carries all the hope she can muster in her heart that I will return and save her in the end. Because I am the only one who can, the only one who considers doing it, and the only one who will.
At times the stresses of months passed melt off and leave me a mess, as if I don’t have to be in battle mode any longer. But I do, and it’s merely the battle that has changed. The fight remains the same, wether I fight for my health, my life, my freedom, or the right to just BE. Someone always cries, no matter where I am. Someone is always left behind and my heart is heavy. Sometimes I’m tired of fighting and today I nearly lost it in the grocery store as I was welling up and felt so lost and overwhelmed. I thought I had a nervous breakdown and I will tend to myself as I get stronger health wise and figure out the next step.
I know it all sounds so sad, but my victory will never be broken. I might lie and bleed for awhile, but my spirit is meant to soar. I am telling it how it is, because even the most inspirational people, have their moments. I’m having mine. I wouldn’t appear to be real if everything was always smiles and roses.
It is not but I am an optimist and it is most of the battle.
Picture: The same carousel still visits my village each year. I rode it as a child with my parents standing on the side lines, while watching me. This year I was the one looking in from the outside, but all there was was darkness and emptiness. Time stood still with memories long past.