Posted in Life, My story

Round and round

Life is a carousel, spinning faster and sometimes slower. Mine has been spinning pretty fast lately, and I’m trying to hold on. The pain is still here, worts it’s been for a long time, although now easing a bit, I think, I hope. Not only on a physical level, but mentally I feel overwhelmed. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of fighting.

I have FaceTimed with Mom every day, even if it’s for a few minutes only, as I try to get my bearings back. She smiles at me and I know it is because she carries all the hope she can muster in her heart that I will return and save her in the end. Because I am the only one who can, the only one who considers doing it, and the only one who will.

At times the stresses of months passed melt off and leave me a mess, as if I don’t have to be in battle mode any longer. But I do, and it’s merely the battle that has changed. The fight remains the same, wether I fight for my health, my life, my freedom, or the right to just BE. Someone always cries, no matter where I am. Someone is always left behind and my heart is heavy. Sometimes I’m tired of fighting and today I nearly lost it in the grocery store as I was welling up and felt so lost and overwhelmed. I thought I had a nervous breakdown and I will tend to myself as I get stronger health wise and figure out the next step.

I know it all sounds so sad, but my victory will never be broken. I might lie and bleed for awhile, but my spirit is meant to soar. I am telling it how it is, because even the most inspirational people, have their moments. I’m having mine. I wouldn’t appear to be real if everything was always smiles and roses.

It is not but I am an optimist and it is most of the battle.

Picture: The same carousel still visits my village each year. I rode it as a child with my parents standing on the side lines, while watching me. This year I was the one looking in from the outside, but all there was was darkness and emptiness. Time stood still with memories long past.


We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

3 thoughts on “Round and round

  1. My love, you are an empath so you are carrying your Mom’s pain as well as your own. That is why you feel so confused and up and down. You really need to set a boundary, to connect with what your Mom is feeling only at certain times of the day (when you are prepared and able to differentiate her feelings from your own). Otherwise you may burn out. You are tired and need time to heal your emotional pain. Be slow and easy on yourself. What does not get done is not life threatening… go at a pace dictated by your heart, not your head. 💕💕💕💕💕


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