Posted in Life, Mom

As night-time falls

Fact is: I miss her already, and I am afraid to go. I’m a full grown adult, and still sometimes I cry for her like a small child cries for it’s Mommy. The nights are the worst, after a day spent together, to return back to her empty house while leaving her behind in a place she doesn’t want to be. It’s heartbreaking each time and soon I am going to walk out of her room for the very last time. Not in forever, but in “I don’t know when I will see you again”. It’s so hard.

I fell pretty hard today. Flat on my face slipping on the wet cobblestones. It was after doing some important business at the bank, checking of yet another piece on a hectic agenda of things needing to get done before I leave. All went well and I was relieved. I left the bank in tears and tried to hold it together. Relieved and yet feeling the sting of the “lasts” and final things creeping up, signaling my time is coming near.

Then the fall, and I hit pretty hard. Luckily I was ok besides some scrapes, bruises and a sore knee, but it was such a moment, where I wanted to cry for Mommy. I was overwhelmed, feeling the tremendous pressure of the past months and fears which have not come to pass yet.

I have to get the house ready soon and yet I want to stay in it until the last possible moment. I’m close to Mom and what is meaning the world to her. Her own four walls. I don’t have to fight of holding it together and the tears can fall whenever they feel like coming. I don’t want to spend my last days with family this way, but I struggle to be strong right now.

I know all will be ok somehow. It always is, but nothing will ever be harder then this. Honestly, I don’t know how other people have done it before me. It nearly kills you and hurts so much sometimes. I tell myself to get a grip, but I don’t really want to suppress the pain and bury it deep inside. I don’t think it will ever get easier, and sometimes I think that it is the empath in me that feels everything so much stronger than everyone else.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

15 thoughts on “As night-time falls

  1. I am so very sorry to read the deep sadness in your words. The way you love your mother is so special to read and I pray I am a mom that my kids will always love and want to be around just like you are with your mother. I have prayed for your heart to be full of love and your body to heal from your fall.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you Super D, it could have been worse and I’m finally getting better from the fall.
      I am very sad and I can’t help it. I often wished this year that I wouldn’t feel everything so deeply, but then that’s me, the empath who takes on the pain of others. Unfortunately I have to go trough it alone, as nobody feels in that level from the heart and comes more from a rational common sense type of background. Me, I am the dreamer, the one that believes and the one that throws the rational out of the window due to believing that human spirit is powerful beyond words.

      Like

  2. Oh no, so sorry to hear about your mother and sorrow. You are right to let yourself feel the sadness even if at the moment it hurts immensely. I’m not a doctor but I know one thing: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER keep the pain inside. These kind of tears that you seem to have often come when you have reached an important point in your recovery. These are tears of acceptance, renewed strength, for the fact that you know you will come through despite the feeling of sadness. Be continually brave always. I’m thinking of you dear Margit. Hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Oh my love, I hope you are OK?
    As Darren says, perhaps this is not the time to be alone.
    Closing up the house a few days early, and spending your last few nights with your Aunt or cousin, or a friend, might be a better option, especially as you want to spend your last few hours with your Mom before getting your flight.
    I think letting all your sorrows out, is a good thing… crying with you, because a shared pain makes it easier… Reach out to your family. 😥💖💖💖💖💖

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am ok dear sister.
      It’s my last day here with Mom and I did everything the opposite as you suggest. I stayed in the house until this morning and braved most troubles myself. It was and still is emotional, a matter of the heart that the rational mind can’t understand.
      Merry Christmas dear. Wishing you all the blessings of the season and always. Xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Then, that was a good decision. Matters of the heart must always override the rational mind! Be well, and safe journey home. May your gift be peace of heart. 🕊️💕

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