Fact is: I miss her already, and I am afraid to go. I’m a full grown adult, and still sometimes I cry for her like a small child cries for it’s Mommy. The nights are the worst, after a day spent together, to return back to her empty house while leaving her behind in a place she doesn’t want to be. It’s heartbreaking each time and soon I am going to walk out of her room for the very last time. Not in forever, but in “I don’t know when I will see you again”. It’s so hard.
I fell pretty hard today. Flat on my face slipping on the wet cobblestones. It was after doing some important business at the bank, checking of yet another piece on a hectic agenda of things needing to get done before I leave. All went well and I was relieved. I left the bank in tears and tried to hold it together. Relieved and yet feeling the sting of the “lasts” and final things creeping up, signaling my time is coming near.
Then the fall, and I hit pretty hard. Luckily I was ok besides some scrapes, bruises and a sore knee, but it was such a moment, where I wanted to cry for Mommy. I was overwhelmed, feeling the tremendous pressure of the past months and fears which have not come to pass yet.
I have to get the house ready soon and yet I want to stay in it until the last possible moment. I’m close to Mom and what is meaning the world to her. Her own four walls. I don’t have to fight of holding it together and the tears can fall whenever they feel like coming. I don’t want to spend my last days with family this way, but I struggle to be strong right now.
I know all will be ok somehow. It always is, but nothing will ever be harder then this. Honestly, I don’t know how other people have done it before me. It nearly kills you and hurts so much sometimes. I tell myself to get a grip, but I don’t really want to suppress the pain and bury it deep inside. I don’t think it will ever get easier, and sometimes I think that it is the empath in me that feels everything so much stronger than everyone else.