I’ve been spending a lot of time with Mom, sometimes seven hours, give or take, more or less. I don’t mind and it’s no longer exhausting like it was in the beginning when everything was a challenge, and she fought me every step of the way. Things have changed a lot since then, and can’t be compared anymore. It’s nothing like it was and I can’t even imagine anymore.
I was tired today and felt that my mind was getting ready for a little break. Maybe my patience was wearing a little thin, but it wasn’t that I would show it. I just think the lack of sleep from prior nights has finally caught up with me. Mom has talked nonstop and she has much to say these days. She has become a friend that shares her memories, thoughts and other stories. It’s all good and we laugh a lot, but I could tell that this empath (me) was ready for some peace and quiet soon. Tomorrow I will take a break and perhaps even take some time for myself. The prior days off, can hardly be labeled as breaks, and there are always plenty of chores that are waiting for a hand to tend to. But tomorrow should be a day for me and if I want to nap in the afternoon, there is a pretty good chance that I will might as well just do so.
Mom seems to be more at peace. She knows that I’m there for her and that she doesn’t have to worry about the house. It’s a huge burden lifted from her shoulders I’m sure. She still wants to come home, but she now doesn’t mind me bringing things to the nursing home. She knows she is not quite ready and needs more healing. The room is slowly getting cozier and is filling with personal artifacts. She even took up knitting again and is on her second pair. I have enough socks that I can wear a different pair each day, for a long long time. I have to say that each pair is special to me as if it was some tremendous treasure. Each pair has memories attached, although I wasn’t here for most of them, although I never knew until now that she made all those pair for me, her daughter who was far, far away. Each pair has been touched by her hands, and I don’t want them disturbed. In a way I feel the same as she must had when it comes to Dad and the memory she has preserved. Leaving everything as it was as to remember and preserve. I have a total new perspective on her reasons and why she did it.
I’m not sure when she stopped knitting and how long it has been that she held her last pair. I decided to bring some yarn a few weeks ago, well, let’s just say that the rest is history. She struggled a bit in the beginning and made a few mistakes, but she is back in pro mode and each pair is turning out beautifully. She has enough yarn in her nightstand to open a little shop hahaha and she never once told me to take it away or home. She could sell them and I thought about doing the same before, (not with the ones she made for me) but much time goes into making them, plus the cost of the yarn, I would have to charge a pretty penny. Yet they are worth every penny I believe, has said every creator or artist before me.
The picture shows Mom wearing the very first pair I ever knitted alone. She taught me how to knit socks several years ago and the pair we made together will never be worn, but remains a keepsake of great value to me. Back in the states I made those socks from the yarn we selected together and thought it was only right that the first pair should be hers. She was so proud of me back then as I learned how to make them. Showing an interest for her craft also played a big role in it. She never wore the pair I gifted her and had them tucked away. I thought it was perfect timing to break them out and took them to the nursing home. To my surprise she let me put them on her feet and has worn them ever since. Proudly she tells the nurses who compliment her on her current knitting endeavor that her daughter knits too while showing off her feet. She says she loves how warm and cozy they keep her feet and it almost moved me to tears, hearing it the first time.
It was tough to leave Mom tonight. It’s my rest day tomorrow and I know I need it, but still. I like to share my time with her, to laugh with her and inspire her. To leave her in awe when I fold an Origami crane, or some other simple craft that she is falling in love with. To expand her mind and get her familiar with things she has never seen before. She is full of wonder, like a child experiencing magic for the first time. It was hard to leave and it’s getting cold outside. There is a chill in the air that bypassed fall all together, and is greeting winter. There is even snow in the forecast, and tonight I turned the heater up to warm the apartment.
Mom hugged me tight tonight, knowing I won’t be there tomorrow. “Take care of the house” she said like so many times as I turned away. I fought bittersweet tears before I even made it out of her room, and tonight the house feels especially lonely. I see Mom everywhere and she is nowhere. Tonight this is definitely a house, but it is not a home without Mom within these walls.