Posted in Life, Mom

A House but not a Home

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Mom, sometimes seven hours, give or take, more or less. I don’t mind and it’s no longer exhausting like it was in the beginning when everything was a challenge, and she fought me every step of the way. Things have changed a lot since then, and can’t be compared anymore. It’s nothing like it was and I can’t even imagine anymore.

I was tired today and felt that my mind was getting ready for a little break. Maybe my patience was wearing a little thin, but it wasn’t that I would show it. I just think the lack of sleep from prior nights has finally caught up with me. Mom has talked nonstop and she has much to say these days. She has become a friend that shares her memories, thoughts and other stories. It’s all good and we laugh a lot, but I could tell that this empath (me) was ready for some peace and quiet soon. Tomorrow I will take a break and perhaps even take some time for myself. The prior days off, can hardly be labeled as breaks, and there are always plenty of chores that are waiting for a hand to tend to. But tomorrow should be a day for me and if I want to nap in the afternoon, there is a pretty good chance that I will might as well just do so.

Mom seems to be more at peace. She knows that I’m there for her and that she doesn’t have to worry about the house. It’s a huge burden lifted from her shoulders I’m sure. She still wants to come home, but she now doesn’t mind me bringing things to the nursing home. She knows she is not quite ready and needs more healing. The room is slowly getting cozier and is filling with personal artifacts. She even took up knitting again and is on her second pair. I have enough socks that I can wear a different pair each day, for a long long time. I have to say that each pair is special to me as if it was some tremendous treasure. Each pair has memories attached, although I wasn’t here for most of them, although I never knew until now that she made all those pair for me, her daughter who was far, far away. Each pair has been touched by her hands, and I don’t want them disturbed. In a way I feel the same as she must had when it comes to Dad and the memory she has preserved. Leaving everything as it was as to remember and preserve. I have a total new perspective on her reasons and why she did it.

I’m not sure when she stopped knitting and how long it has been that she held her last pair. I decided to bring some yarn a few weeks ago, well, let’s just say that the rest is history. She struggled a bit in the beginning and made a few mistakes, but she is back in pro mode and each pair is turning out beautifully. She has enough yarn in her nightstand to open a little shop hahaha and she never once told me to take it away or home. She could sell them and I thought about doing the same before, (not with the ones she made for me) but much time goes into making them, plus the cost of the yarn, I would have to charge a pretty penny. Yet they are worth every penny I believe, has said every creator or artist before me.

The picture shows Mom wearing the very first pair I ever knitted alone. She taught me how to knit socks several years ago and the pair we made together will never be worn, but remains a keepsake of great value to me. Back in the states I made those socks from the yarn we selected together and thought it was only right that the first pair should be hers. She was so proud of me back then as I learned how to make them. Showing an interest for her craft also played a big role in it. She never wore the pair I gifted her and had them tucked away. I thought it was perfect timing to break them out and took them to the nursing home. To my surprise she let me put them on her feet and has worn them ever since. Proudly she tells the nurses who compliment her on her current knitting endeavor that her daughter knits too while showing off her feet. She says she loves how warm and cozy they keep her feet and it almost moved me to tears, hearing it the first time.

It was tough to leave Mom tonight. It’s my rest day tomorrow and I know I need it, but still. I like to share my time with her, to laugh with her and inspire her. To leave her in awe when I fold an Origami crane, or some other simple craft that she is falling in love with. To expand her mind and get her familiar with things she has never seen before. She is full of wonder, like a child experiencing magic for the first time. It was hard to leave and it’s getting cold outside. There is a chill in the air that bypassed fall all together, and is greeting winter. There is even snow in the forecast, and tonight I turned the heater up to warm the apartment.

Mom hugged me tight tonight, knowing I won’t be there tomorrow. “Take care of the house” she said like so many times as I turned away. I fought bittersweet tears before I even made it out of her room, and tonight the house feels especially lonely. I see Mom everywhere and she is nowhere. Tonight this is definitely a house, but it is not a home without Mom within these walls.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

17 thoughts on “A House but not a Home

  1. 😞 it must be lonesome .
    All these memories… and time has flown away.
    Life continues even if it is very hard at times. I’m sure you can manage it and God knows, maybe better times for her are not so far.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Every single time I walk in mom’s house, I see and hear her and she’s not here. Eventually, I’ll manage to get things tidied enough that maybe upstairs it will be less hers and more mine. I’ve been conditioned to not bother her stuff and as I’ve gone thru her clothes and found stuff I really like that I’m sure she’s never worn more than once, I think how much we were alike. And I hope I don’t act as mean as she was–I’m so thankful for your healing relationship. Embrace it and love it and go with those hard times. I’m so thankful for you and your stories!

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    1. This sounds so much like me and I know we are experiencing similar things. I still have a high respect for Moms things and I don’t snoop around it go looking for things.
      I think you will feel better once you have a chance to clear some space for yourself. I did that with my room and it has become my sanctuary as you know. Fill it with things you love and what has meaning to you. It will make a big difference. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My love, your heart is exploding. And your Mom has become a renewed flower that is opening her petals to receive your love. Surround yourself with your love and warmth tomorrow and feel your Mom’s join in… And look at ‘home’ with new eyes. Your Mom (and your Dad) still resides there, just not as you remember, but as they want to be in their hearts. ❤️

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  4. It’s so wonderful to see your mom blossoming and most of all, finding peace within her soul. She looks so proud of her socks, which are beautiful colours, I can’t look at a pair of your socks without feeling covetous and am in awe of how they are made (well, I don’t know how, it’s a mystery to me, but seems highly skilled and very complicated and timely).
    Don’t worry about the house and your mom, everything is a story unfolding and we don’t yet know where it will end. With you there, I believe in miracles. You are a miracle to your mom and miracles happen around you. And what doesn’t happen, you have the means to nudge, I know. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha what a beautiful compliment. That pair turned out beautifully and I’m currently wearing them. It makes Mom happy to see her work come full circle and maybe I can teach you some day. Oh wait no I can’t otherwise what would I pay your salary with then. Hahaha. Do you knit?

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