Posted in Chronic illness, hope, Inspiration

Short lived Euphoria

Sorry for the poor quality photo shot through a screen and dirty window.

It was my WordPress sister Colette who commented the other day by saying that it seemed like my pain-free euphoria had disappeared completely. She was correct and it’s easy to be motivated and inspired when you are felling half way decent. You think anything is possible, and it is during the dark moments and the pain, when your sanity dwindles away and leaves you in misery.

My life had always been somewhat of a constant rollercoaster. Born on the day of ups and downs, and reminded of it to be normal, more times that I cared for. 2018, for me goes down as one of my most challenging years, as well as one of the most growing, emotional years of my life. There is so much to celebrate and shout from the majestic mountain tops, and yet so much to mourn through The Valley of Loss in general.

Pain had found its way back into my life, and when it comes to the pain management, it did appear as if Euphoria was short-lived. About two weeks ago I went to the doctor and had an Angel take a look and order blood work. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t function anymore. My posts were reflecting my peaks and valleys, one moment euphoric and one moment in tears and downright depressive. I had to overcome the status of my self sufficiency and accept help. Help that was given freely and without any cost to me. It was more of putting myself out there, and to be vulnerable, even though I usually are not afraid of doing so. But I had to realize that I couldn’t fend for myself anymore. I needed help and there have only been a few times that I couldn’t take care of myself. Believe me when I say that it has nothing to do with foolish pride, but everything with learning to be responsible. I always had to be and for me it was a matter of survival. Now it was in the hands of someone else. Scary.

I thought that I was dealing with a rheumatoid Arthritis flare, and after a shot and some meds, I was on my way. Pain that intense had only been experienced during prior flares, an ectopic pregnancy and an infection in my stomach. I ruled out the later, so a flare up it had to be. I could feel the shot working almost immediately and I was flying high above the valleys on my way to the mountain top. Relief was given and the swelling stopped. My hands calmed down and the shaking subsided. Amazing how much your overall well being is affected when you feel good. Good enough to function and enjoy some quality of life. Your posts are positive again, and you finally feel strong enough to master all your chores. It appears to come easy and there is no major struggle. Nothing is weighing you down. You forget about the pain and you breathe deeply. It has been too long when you experienced a pain free day and all you remember is how much the nagging pain is affecting your life. You are grateful for the break and wish it could stay like this forever. What a blessing life used to be. Something so simple and so often overlooked, our health is everything and here is your reminder that it is not a given, not something that is always going to be there.

Less then a week later the shot was wearing off and I could feel the pain return. Little by little, more and more intense it crept back in. Saturday and Sunday night were the worst days, and I’d be back to cringing and crying, sleepless nights and screaming in pain. I still believed that I had a flare, that what I ate caused the inflammation, toppled with the allergies that were present in my body. Monday I went back to the doctor to go over my blood work once more. I learned that the inflammation is from the RA in part but not from a flare up. Diet and stress are also key players, but finding out what I was allergic to didn’t seem to be on top of the agenda. Especially since I don’t have any symptoms such as itchy eyes etc. Perhaps mine came in the form of inflammation that translated to pain. I got some medication to calm my mind, antidepressants if you will to help me sleep. I tried the first night and it was awful. While it did knock me out more, it also caused more pain and longer periods of not moving my muscles, which I really shouldn’t have to while I sleep, but I do. I was rusting away while I was resting. There was no healing lotion other then to keep in motion. I wasn’t depressed and it wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep, facing insomnia. It was the pain that didn’t let me come to rest. It was manageable throughout the day, but the nights were something else. I’d cry before bed, afraid to lay down, being so tired and wanting nothing more then a good nights rest. Was this a thing of the past…history? It would barely be light outside and I would get up, just to get out of bed and to move a little to ease the pain.

It was Monday after the doctor and while visiting Mom. I felt overwhelmed and could hardly hold back the tears looking at Mom. Sunday night had been the worst. She was just sitting there and I felt vulnerable, hurt, sad, emotional, and everything else under the sky. For sure signs of someone entering depression. At one point I truly thought that I had arrived at the gates of uncertainty, perhaps Hell. Another soul fighting depression, feeling lost. Mom knew that something was wrong and she could barely look at me. I know she knew that I struggled, but she was afraid to ask what was wrong. Surely it would involve her and I knew she was scared. That itself caused more tears wanting to come forward, and more sadness pumped through my veins. I didn’t hold it against her not to ask me and I knew it wasn’t a matter because she didn’t care. She remained silent and so did I. I carried her pain that day and mine. I choose not to talk about having to go back to the states to take care of things. I choose not to tell her that my rent had increased yet again. I choose to deal with it alone. How much more could I carry on these shoulders, what else could I deal with? No wonder I was in so much pain. I was carrying the world and my knees were buckling.

Through the pain and tear filled eyes, I looked outside. Waiving my short lived euphoria goodbye and missing it already. Shortly after that, the sky literally opened up and showed me a tiny window where the sun was shining. Through it were the colors of a rainbow reminding me that beautiful things are born out of darkness and hardship.

Rainbow….A symbol of magical blessings. The promise that the troubles of today will surely come to pass. Hold strong in your faith and vision and the rainbow will bring fresh beginnings and prosperity. The celts also associated the meaning of the rainbow with the promise of new life provided by the divine feminine. In Christianity it is no different. A symbol of promise, we see evidence in Genesis, 9:13 “I have set my (rain)bow in the clouds, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.” Lastly I love that rainbow is also a extraordinary symbol of following our hearts desire and purpose…to get to the end of the rainbow is a symbol for the celebration of that fulfillment. The end of the rainbow signifies a pot of gold and the magic that surrounds your dreams coming true.

Sometimes we need something, anything, to believe and to motivate ourselves. It could be anything, and for me it was a sign. I needed to see it right then and there. A little magic from the divine to stay the course, to trust that all will find it’s way. I hope that when pain gets unbearable and strikes again, that I will remember that moment of hope in the sky. That I can remember the promise of a new life, and be courageous to fight another day.

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer and I’m not the only one. I am the one holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but has purpose. I’ve made mistakes, and I see them as a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time. In a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off of the hamster wheel to change my future. I didn’t land all that softly, but I still did it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of memories and I chase moments, instead of martial stuff. Less is more, and I prefer quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. Talking about free, I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. I find myself going against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you find a way, you soon realize that it is the only way to not lose who you are.
My past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But now I believe that the past is history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end I realize that we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard, to be accepted, and to find our spot in life. We try hard to fit in, some to the point of acting out of character, playing by the rules of what we think society expects of us. Until we wake one day, feeling empty and lost, with our life passing right in front of us. It’s never too late to change your stars, and it was my toughest moments, who turned out to be my greatest teachers.
They say that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it was darkness who has shown me the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

21 thoughts on “Short lived Euphoria

  1. Rhapsody, I have no doubt, that you will surmount all problems including your body pain. I see strength all around you. I also see this pain as an experience, one that allows you to share the experiences of your Mom. We get these lessons when we most need them, even when we don’t want them. Accept, realise, and absorb that tiny window of light in the clouds. It is the reflection of your heart and its power will carry you through all. ❤️❤️❤️🌟🌟🌟

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And that to me means the world my princess and I thank you with all my heart. We all fall on hard times sometime and better ones are around the corner. Remember that stars can’t shine without darkness. Enjoy your weekend and thank you for your kindness that made my night. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Beloved, there are agencies at work right now and continuously, making it possible for your pain to be removed and for your sun to shine. Some you know of, some you have no idea. This was a true sign, given at a significant and telling moment. It’s going to be alright, truly it is, keep your hope, trust and faith growing in your heart. You are so amazing, you bring light to so many. We, who receive your light and love are so grateful. Alone, the power of our love for you can save you. If you read this and you hold love for Rhapsody Boheme and all she has ever given you, now is the time to make a prayer sending that love out to her in the form of healing, joining together as one. If we all do this together now, think what it will do. It’s going to be alright, Rhapsody. My love is always with you. My prayer is winging its way to you now. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know there are my beloved soul sister. I’m at peace inside my heart and I know that what is meant to be will always find its way. I have hurt more than I have in a long time and yet I know that this is not my fate. It will pass again if it’s meant to be.
      Thank you for this message and for trying to rally the troops for me. I hear you calling for help and I know you feel it right along side with me. I am saved for I’m blessed by the love of many. Thank you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are blessed indeed. I have no idea what you mean by “I have hurt more people than I have in a long time”, maybe this is a typing error? I cannot imagine who or how you have hurt? Also, I cannot imagine one person who has not hurt others, many others, simply be being alive, simply by trying to be themselves, to live, to survive. Whether they hurt others by carelessness, intent, by accident or despite anything and everything they do to avoid it, quite often, the people we hurt are choosing to be hurt, no matter what we do, because their love for us is not unconditional and their expectations reflect that. It isn’t easy to express unconditional love, after all.
        For myself, you have done nothing but expand who I am by knowing you and having you in my life. You have helped me see myself as a better person. And I thank you for it every day. xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha it was spell check again and it threw whole words in there. I do hope I have not hurt other people, but you are right and sometimes it’s unavoidable as it is unintentional.
        You always shower me with the kindest things that you say and you always leave me in awe. I don’t even know how to thank you anymore. Hold it, yea I do. I do by owning the things you say about me. It’s ok to be humble but to also know that you can be bloody marvelous. Thank you my sister, you are the best and I must be alright. Otherwise I would never deserve your friendship xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Blimey, you think you must be ‘alright’? You are not listening to me! Clear your ears out and repeat after me, “I am magnificent in every way” one hundred times! (teacher mode now). The best gift you could ever give me is to own it. I am magnificent and I am owning it now, thanks to you. Let’s be magnificent together! xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Rhapsody, I have been there too and it’s not easy to handle, but possible. While I read about your physical pain, I came to think, that it is good, that you don’t work, as you did before the travel to Germany. That work was tough for your physical health. Could it be a sign to find out, how you wish to live your future life? Your life is not on a stand-bye, it continues with or without your conscious thoughts about same. Maybe it is time to find your way for the rest of this life, at least for now.
    L

    Much love and huge hugs for you, dear friend 💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think so too and there have been many times I was grateful that I don’t work right now. I have before and I know how difficult it was. Whatever I choose to do I can’t go back to a job that physical anymore. Time will tell and it already knows the path. Have a beautiful weekend dear. Sending much strengths and healing. ❤️

      Like

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