Posted in Friendship, Inspiration

New day rising – giving thanks

Picture and quote by me.

I took the bicycle to see Mom yesterday. We spent much of the afternoon out on the patio, in the wheelchair and with a blanket draped around Mom. The breeze would kick up from time to time, and I didn’t want her to get sick. She is more sensitive these days and had a runny nose for weeks now. I can tell that she likes it out there, and who wouldn’t if you are confined to the same four walls, day in and day out. I hope to take her to the “Brothaus” (Breadhouse) later this week for a little escape away. Mom looked like a “cool cat” wearing my mirrored hiking sunglasses to shield her eyes from the sensitivity of bright light. Except for the sliding down the bridge of her nose part when she dropped her gaze. Yep, I do have a bigger head then she does, and I’m referring to it size wise. 😉

I haven’t ridden the bike in three weeks or so, and it was a nice day to give it a go. I was worried, given that recently I can’t make it through the day without my dose of Advil, but I went ahead anyways. God knows that I don’t like to take pills, but I try to take comfort in knowing they are probably much less dangerous then the list of side effects the harsh RA meds hold. I just had to get a feel and know, and the end result was that I should have listened to my intuition. I hurt more today, but in places that weren’t sore prior to the ride. So who knows. The pain travels and never stays too long in one place. I am taking it easy today, but unfortunately it also means taking a break from Mom. While I have no problem utilizing my time away, I know she is bored without me and had come to appreciate my company a great deal. I don’t mind spending the day with her, doing a little blog work while she naps, having coffee with her and most importantly “Just be there” for her.

I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, a golden sky that would soon give way to much gloomier shades of gray. Shortly afterwards I recognized the sound of water dripping into the metal rain barrel at the corner of my window. In silence, I was lying there listening to the rhythmic splatter of water against metal. Bliss…Could it get any better? Indeed it could, and I was about to find out. A text message came in from my friend “White Crane”, another Blogger I encountered here on WordPress. We have barely kept in touch since my journey to Germany, but sometimes an individual crosses your path, you remain connected with regardless of how many times and how often you talk. “White Crane” is such a person. I am lucky to have found some of my closest friends here on WordPress or other social media platforms. I have to say that WordPress has balanced the scale with female sisters, instead of only male brothers. Not sure why the majority has always been male friends, and why I had to throw this in here, but so it was, until now. Strangely, there are a few friends I have never met, but would trust my life to. And strangely enough, we don’t talk on a regular basis. Yet it changes nothing about what we feel about each other, about being there for the other one in a heartbeat. Somewhere along the lines of knowing each other, we have, and we have been there for each other in a crucial time, when it mattered, when we needed someone to hold onto, someone that allowed us to be vulnerable, and someone who nurtured us during that time. It was then that these bonds were created, to be connected forever, and to walk the path of life together I sharing our life experiences and finding understanding. I’m a lucky woman to have people like these in my life, and today and always, I thank you and recognize you for the important role that you have and continue to play in my life. My friend base is small, but mighty and I love you all.

White Crane got his name from studying martial arts, the art of the crane, a personal style of fighting if I’m not wrong. He always says I have the strengths and style of a tiger, and to this day it is what he calls me. I would say he has much of that strengths himself, and has overcome tremendous deals of adversities in past years, but of course that is only my personal view and how I see him. I like to remind him as often as possible, and just the other day a special sister was wishing me that I would see myself through the eyes she sees me. It leads me to believe that we are always our toughest critic, and don’t always see the magic we weave each day. That we take things about ourselves for granted or as a given, and it takes others that remind us how rare and special we truly are. I have long made it my goal to pass on such kindness, to have a nice word for a struggling soul, or to just make someone’s day, and to me it is part of being an empath and someone who goes beyond the surface layers.

My day started with “White Crane” telling me that he has beaten cancer, and is cancer free. It was amazing news to start my day, and I was so happy for him. Just recently he had crossed my mind, as I was thinking to check up on him. In all honesty, I have to admit that I was never really worried about him. I knew he would be ok, and that he would beat this. I can’t tell you why and how, I just knew. More then once I reminded him to keep fighting and that “THIS” was not his time. That he wasn’t going to go like this, and definitely not now. I cared and worried about what he had to endure, the pain of it and being scared, but being terminally ill was never a worry. I knew he’d be cured. There was just too much left to do, too much history to write, and today I am celebrating a new start, a new beginning for a great friend and his daughter “Little Coyote” who already lost her sick Mom, but luckily has Dad hanging around for much, much longer.

Tonight I send a howl across the night sky, for all coyotes to carry a hug across the miles, to run wild and free my friends.

Posted in Gardening, Inspiration

Another beauty

  • Another beauty has arrived in the Fairy Garden and has added to my smile for the day. Each morning and each night I come to visit and sit in stillness while observing and greeting newcomers. It’s usually within a minute that Bember announces herself, and comes running down the catwalk with a purr. The catwalk is a concrete walking path that goes through the middle of the garden, and not so long it was covered by tall weeds. All you could see was the grass moving when Bember was near, forging her path through the Savannah. Now, with everything trimmed down, the walkway is exposed and it has become Bembers walkway.
  • For me it has become like a little ritual to visit the Fairy Garden, and it resembles a special place for me. It’s exiting to see what changed overnight, and feel the energy that emanates from this little space.
  • Posted in Inspiration, Spirituality

    The Vortex – Part 2 – Chasing a feeling

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    It was at “Magical Mount Shasta”, (please see post with the same title as my links are not working) that something had awakened in me. It was something I couldn’t explain at first, all I knew was that things had changed, and my awareness grew. There was a hunger for more, a yearning to know, yet I didn’t know what I was searching for, nor did I have a clue to what changed. There was a different feel. I felt transformed over night, and life seemed simple and so wonderful all of a sudden. I was about to knock on another door, a door that was holding magic and wonder to be discovered. The time was right, and the teacher would appear once more with another lesson of personal growth, that the student (me) was eagerly awaiting. I was so fueled by all of it, there was so much curiosity, so much eagerness and anticipation, that I felt as if the information, along with the timing of when it reached me was perfect. I needed something, a focus I could hold on to, something that brought new meaning. Life had become mundane, rut like, and it was passing me with no special significances. In fact there was always some problem waiting to be sorted, and I grew tired of it. It was eating away at me, disturbing my potential I thought, although these days I would say that those times were essential events that shaped me into who I am today. But at that time, I felt as if it was disrupting my delicate balance and my inner peace. It appeared that things never went too smoothly, at least I don’t remember prolonged times of feeling carefree bliss. There was always something that needed my attention, always something waiting to be worked out. Things could never be without some sort of headache. Mom always said that life is not meant to be easy, and that something bad would occur to put you back into your place, in case you were doing too well. Just to remind you of your place in life, as if you weren’t deserving of happiness. Of course I never believed in this old wife’s tale, but understood that she had a total different set of experiences then I had. Perhaps I shouldn’t boil it down to experiences, and God knows I had my own share of it, but what became apparent was that Mom was a pessimist, often in areas where I had managed to stay optimistic. Mom had been dealt so many bad hands that she lost faith, and it was up to her what she made out of those challenges. Somehow she couldn’t choose the positives and never learned. Perhaps Moms soul is a young one, making some it’s first experiences. Whatever it might be, how we react is a conscious choice we all have to make one time or another, and I have yet to meet a person that didn’t have their own story and challenges to tell.

    Back to the subject, we often refer to the trip to Shasta as “ The trip where something happened and changed within me”. Although I haven’t been back, ever so often I feel the urge that draws me back to that place, a need to chase that feeling. A want to explore it over and over, and a choice of not wanting to spend life without it. There is a yearning to emerge in the fountain of bliss, to be reborn lighter, having shed the troubles in exchange of being in alignment with my higher self. I know Shasta can balance the turmoil within, as can others of these healing, holy sites. Millions of people feel something and come to those sights each year. Feeling drawn across the continents, for no explainable reason, just like Sedona.

    Doing random searches on the web, trying to pinpoint what I was feeling, I was searching for a rational explanation. A perspective that I could articulate, the feeling was so intense and real, it had to be shared. I just couldn’t hold it in. I was like child in the candy store, trying to take whoever was listening with me to experience the same magic. It wasn’t so much that I needed confirmation, what I was feeling was very real to me, but it was more of a matter of sharing, as if I had stumbled upon some great treasure. Eventually with the click of a button and more research, I discovered why others flocked to these areas, and felt even more drawn. What had I embarked upon? Something told me that this was only the tip of the iceberg, and that it was only the beginning of research that would follow this staring point. I was right, and I had discovered the healing powers of vortexes. Slowly, but surely it all began to make sense.

    Vortexes are energy fields, felt by those able to be still, to be aware, and in tune with what is going on. Some are bigger and some are smaller, but they are all over the world. It is said that certain individuals can pick up the vibrations of those energy fields. Could it be? Have you ever had a round, lush circle in your lawn? A perfect round shape that seems to grow faster, looking healthier and greener then the rest of your grass? Well, you got yourself a Vortex, maybe too small for you to feel the actual energy from, but your greens have definitely felt something and are thriving as a result of it. I soon put two and two together, and knew that I was thriving because of the way these energy fields made me feel.

    It was later on that I connected the dots further, and answered a few mysteries that occasionally crossed my mind. It had been years that I started hiking, that I was introduced to the wilderness. I could never be more grateful for that day, and all the magic that would unfold for years to come. It was a life changer, and early on I recognized a smaller version of that feeling which I had discovered at Mount Shasta. Little did I know that it would take ten years from the time I started hiking, to the time of my Aha-moment where I pinpointed what was going on. I merely accepted it as miraculous, like I had been dormant for so many years, stumbled onto something magical, was bestowed a most precious gift, and finally awakened to life. I fell in love with hiking and with Mother Nature. I fell in love with how it made me feel.

    Eventually we had to leave Shasta and it was a real downer. I didn’t want to let go, I wanted to stay in my dreamlike state. Reality had little that drew me back, and definitely couldn’t hold a candle to what I had found in this special little town, at the base of Mount Shasta. Back at home the research continued about vortexes, and I read about the feelings people described, and the mountains healing powers. I knew with certainty that I had picked up on the energy of that place, despite of having no facts to prove anything. To me it was logical, but to someone else it could easily feel like hocus pocus, a theory, something made up, something unsupported. I knew what it was, and that’s all that mattered.

    I started to make a connection between Shasta and places in my immediate surroundings. I loved all of the wilderness, and being so close to a variety of scenic wonders such as Yosemite and Lassen volcanic park. All of them held their own unique beauty and always made my heart sing. Still, there remains a place near my house, an area that draws me like no other. I have visited millions of times, and yet my heart lifts as feelings of bliss flood through me, each time that I see it again. It’s my go to place, my little Shasta away from Shasta. There is something about it, and it was during my time of research that I adopted the belief that there has to be a Vortex there. Again, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I was more sensitive, able to pick up the vibrations. Perhaps I will never know what the reason is, but I see it as a wonderful gift. No matter what it is, that special little area near my house has become “The Vortex” ever since. It’s how I refer to that magical place, and it is where I go to balance life and the hectic it throws my way. I recognized the feeling of that magical place back to how I had felt at Mount Shasta, but it didn’t become the Vortex until I showed this picture to my dear coworker “White Wizard”. I lovingly call her so, and gave her that nickname due to her life wisdom, and maybe her gray hair she is not ready for and continues to color. She looked at the picture, a fan of my photography and knew the story about my Mount Shasta post. She glanced at me, pointing at the photograph and said “You do see the T. V. don’t you? What do you think it stands for? I had never noticed until then, and still didn’t make the connection. She left me with my own thoughts, and didn’t say anything else. I had to find out for myself, after all the meaning was meant for me, it was my picture and I had taken it. Another person could have come up with a total different interpretation, but the divine had a message for me that came across in my photograph. It was later that day that I looked at the photo again, and when it hit me smack dab in the face. Oh my goodness, chills ran down my spine and my heart was pounding faster. I recalled the feelings this place gave me, feeling drawn and connected, the peace I would experience while grounding on it’s soil, in touch with the earth, feeling it’s heartbeat. I remembered what it felt like when stress was exiting my body to leave nothing but comfort and love behind. How rejuvenated I felt, ready to tackle more of life’s obstacles, that would surely come my way. I remembered the glow on my face, how happy I was, and how much I looked forward to going each time. This place never got old or boring, and I realized that it wasn’t only the scenic beauty I was drawn to, but also the way it made me feel. I was chasing a feeling of which hunger was never satisfied until I was in the middle of it. I starred at the photo and the T. V. in the upper frame and then it hit me. The universe was telling me a secret and I knew that the T. V. stood for “The Vortex”.

    Posted in Animals, Inspiration

    Stress Soothers

    I’ve been trying to focus on a little bliss each day. Something that brings a little sunshine to my day and reminds me that it’s good to be alive.

    Today’s little bliss package was “Bember”.

  • Bember came to visit yesterday morning and it’s been a few days since I really spent any time with her. We kind of just walked passed each other with a quick “Hey” but with little other interaction. This all changed yesterday morning as we spent quality time.
  • Bember is a lover and loves to cuddle. She purrs non stop and likes her belly rubs. Sometimes she gets feisty and playfully latches on to your hand as her back legs wraps around your wrist to hold you in place, but she never really bites hard.
  • Bember is a stray, outdoor cat with no real owner. I have been tempted to bring her in a few times, but refrained. I don’t want her to become dependent on me, for eventually I will have to leave. Instead, I feed her occasionally and Bember thanks me with her company. Together we are helping each other in more ways then one, and she loves to be petted. Being fed is not all that bad either it seems. 😉
  • The benefits for me is that she is a lovely companion. Always happy to see me, always with a good attitude, she struts towards me from far away, and sometimes walks part of the way with me when I leave to go see Mom. It is said that petting your cat or dog does not only feel good, but are stress soothers as well. It can lower your blood pressure, help your body release a relaxation hormone, and cut down on the levels of damaging stress hormones.
  • Here is a little reminder to take your furry little friend for a cuddle. Be good to yourself and him/her, and reap the benefits that come with it.
  • Posted in Healing Crystals, Healing Vortex, Inspiration, Magic

    The Vortex – Part 1 Sedona Azeztulite

    It’s time to write about vortexes, what they mean, and how they came to be for me. How they still change my life, and why my soul seeks their nourishing powers to be still.

    At first note a Vortex is described as a mass of whirling fluid or air, especially a whirlpool or whirlwind. If you ever witnessed a dust devil kicking up sand, you have witnessed a Vortex. But what I’m talking about is a place in nature where the earth is exceptionally alive with energy. There are places all over the world such as Sedona, Muccu Piccu, or Mount Shasta to name a few of the ones more known, where it is said that some may pick up in the energy of that sacred, healing place. There is a calm that surrounds, a well being, and inner peace that is credited to these amazing sites that flocks people from all around the world.

    The term Vortex in Sedona refers to a place where the earth energy swirls and draws to its center everything that surrounds it like a tornado. These vortexes are created, not by wind or water, but from spiraling spiritual energy. I have never been to Sedona to witness these vortexes, but I have been to Mount Shasta where I definitely picked up on the energy, long before I even knew about vortexes and their healing properties. I have been hooked ever since and I chase this feeling, picking up on other sites, unknown where I get that sensation. Maybe not as strong as these well known places, but it’s still there if you pay attention and are in tune with what it is. I will explain more about this in part two.

    I was a little nervous yesterday, wearing a very special necklace of an sedonian Azeztulite, a birthday gift made by my dear sister Amanda. Nervous, because in the past, things that had great meaning to me have always had a tendency to break or turn up lost, such as my necklace from Mittenwald. Without a doubt is this one a great treasure for me that started with the compassion, the followed thought, the vision and the final end result as it is today in this beautiful necklace. It is me all the way and my dearest soul sister knows my heart as if we’d known each other for decades. Perhaps we have, and walked together in a different lifetime. I certainly feel like we have, and there is a comfort and knowing in each other that is simply beautiful. I’m still blown away of the love and friendship this piece conveys every time I see it. So yesterday I wore it for the first time. Touching it ever so often to make sure everything that it was still perfectly safe, I got sidetracked by feelings rather then concentrate on it’s true purpose. Still, it was wonderful and I’m already looking forward to wearing it again.

    Sedona Azeztulite is a newly discovered variety of Azeztulite, from the the Red-Rock areas around Sedona, Arizona. Physically, it combines pure White Azeztulite with the iron rich rock of the Sedona landscape. The quality of the stones availability thus is very limited.

    Robert Simmons writes: Sedona Azeztulite are astonishingly powerful stones! They embody the intense Vortex energies of Sedona, as well as the Nameless light currents of the great central Sun. When one holds a Sedona Azeztulite to the 3rd eye, powerful and fast pulsations move in immediately. If one places one at the 3rd eye and another at the crown chakra, the entire interior of the head becomes quickly filled with highly uplifting and very powerful energy. These stones literally create an energy Vortex within the body – a field which, because of its high vibrational level, is one of absolute purity and light.

    The initial spontaneous response of ones Liquid Crystal Body, when one encounters this stone, is one of joy and excitement. As one continuous meditating with it, this joy evolves into an elevated sense of serenity, and an expansion of awareness. This is a stone capable of opening one’s mind to cosmic dimensions, and of raising one’s bodily vibrations into resonance with the highest spiritual realms.

    Sedona Azeztulite is a very active interdimesional stone. It can facilitate rapid access to communication with one’s spirit guides, angelic guardians, benevolent ET’s and even the Azez themselves! Sedona Azeztulite is a stone of the Universal Tao, the river of energy that flows through everything, appearing as the unfolding of time and the manifestation of all things. It is a stone of the wisdom of the Earth, and it encourages us to join in the joyful co creation of the infinite potential of the future, crystallizing into each present moment. Sedona Azeztulite helps one awaken to this co creative dance, manifesting one’s highest intentions.

    Sedona Azeztulite brings spiritual light into the emotional and physical bodies, facilitating one’s natural healing process. It has the capacity to acquaint the emotional body with the energy of ecstasy. Sedona Azeztulite can stimulate the torus energy vortices that emanate from each cell of one’s body, aiding one in bringing one’s body into alignment with the Divine Light. This attuned one to the body’s Divine Blueprint of perfection, and the ancient alchemical ideal of immortality.

    No wonder I am so protective of this precious gift and the stone itself. I know you understand, and besides….how cool is that?

    Posted in Inspiration

    Be the light

    “Some days you will be the light for others, and some days you will need the light from them. As long as there is light, there is hope, and there is a way”.

    ~Jennifer Gayle

    PS. I have been lucky enough to experience both, and I’m thankful for you. You who has never left me to sit alone in total darkness.

    Posted in Inspiration

    Battle moments and stillness

    Everything seems to be about moments lately. Healing moments, blissful moments, quiet moments, and moments I perhaps have not written about just yet. My days are broken down into segments, starting in the morning at wake up time, as I concentrate and focus my mind about what I see or feel. A thought takes flight, an emotion is born, and I try to build onto that, allowing it to take me from there, to wherever. I start daydreaming and noticed that often times I look for the light, sunshine, rays, and other bright moments that bring magic to my heart. This ritual repeats throughout the day, and I try to stop and slow down as often as possible to pay attention to what’s going on at that moment. I am hungry for joy, for ways to lift myself, to be more aware, as if empowering and rewarding myself for the tough weeks past. The result is that my batteries are recharging and I feel growing stronger.

    I took a break today from visiting Mom and stayed at home. Fact is that I did miss her and thought of her several times throughout the day. It wasn’t at all surprising, given recent developments, and the wish to continue building onto the glimpses of openness as well. I got up this morning and had a lazy few hours with breakfast, playing my computer game, and having to be nowhere any time soon. By noon I was in full battle mode. there were things I wanted to accomplish in the house. I battled for a good six hours before I called it quits. Laundry, vacuum everywhere, clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen, clean the bedroom, cook, dishes, clean and mop the entire stairwell, find new homes for acquired treasures from the past weeks, reorganize clutter and things from season end, collect laundry, fold laundry, shower…done. I felt good and managed to do just about all of my tasks. Not without medicine though to force the aching joints into cooperation. Sometimes there is just no other way, despite of me not liking to take pills. I hope to receive the gift of remission like I have before, where I enjoyed moments I didn’t need chemical help. Still, the chores are mostly done now, and all that’s left are more dishes from supper and washing the sheets. It should be a piece of cake and few nice days are ahead to let the fragrant linens dry outside on the clothesline. I love the smell of fresh laundry here and I’m not sure as to why I never notice the smell as much in the states. Everything is rushed and faster, even the fresh smell has hurried on out of there.

    I took a few breaks throughout the day and had coffee overlooking the fairy garden. New blooms had arrived and made their appearance. I welcomed the new fairy dwellings while drinking their sweet nectar and enjoying the silence. Moments alternated between battle mode and stillness. I simply loved having that time and appreciated the balance in it all. With nighttime upon us, a cool breeze has kicked up, and the weather has changed for the thousands of time. We are back forecasting rain again, and the sky is darkening. Time to call it a day and cuddle to the sound of rain….hopefully.

    Posted in Inspiration, Life, Moon-child

    Healing moments

    The moment Moms voice cracked and tears nearly fell, has been with me over the past days. I keep thinking back to the tremendous amount of fear and stress it took for those emotions to finally surface in front of me. I have never seen Mom cry and yesterday shed additional light onto why this might be.

    Since our soup night (see post “Work in Progress”), Mom has been more open to talk about things that she has carried within herself for the past 44 years. Things dating back to the moment Dad died in a work accident, when life changed unimaginably in the blink of an eye. The subject turned to Dad again last night as I was visiting, and the prior times of her talking about him have been rare. What I mean with that is the times that concern his death. She began to say that she used to cook in the evening because Dad worked during the day. She voiced trouble remembering not to do so after his death, and I’m sure she cooked anyways. “I would run from window to window, waiting, wondering where he was, until I remembered that he wouldn’t come home anymore” she said. My heart sank seeing her sit in front of me, head down like a little pile of hurt and sorrow, that resembled the remains of what was left from years of pain and a life of struggle. It all became so much clearer for me and although I always had a great deal of compassion and understanding for her, this was on a total new level. I felt transported back to that time, as if I jumped into her body, feeling it firsthand. If I could have waived my hand to take it all away, there would have been no hesitation. I even carry that burden for awhile to hear her laugh carefree and happy, to have never experienced such horror.

    I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and started talking to her. I hoped to encourage her to keep going, to vent, to let it out and ultimately feel better. I shared what I remembered by saying that I know it was Saturday morning and that I was still in my bed, in my room. I heard Grandpa (my paternal grandfather) ring the doorbell and I heard his muffled voice through the door. I remember holding my breath, trying to listen and all went blank from there. The next thing I remember is driving to the accident site, but I don’t remember who was driving. I see myself standing next to Mom, amongst the adults. Everything was in a fog, the voices so distant, people looked so huge and I felt so small. I see the police holding Mom back as she walked towards the gapping black hole, the door on which other end Dad’s burnt remains were. Kindly, they suggested for her to keep him in her memory the way she remembered him instead of seeing him like this. I told her that this was all that I could remember and that without a doubt I blocked much out over the years. I believe the body self protects itself during times of horror by doing so. “Well you cried and screamed, you couldn’t calm down until the doctor came and gave you a shot” she said. I can’t even articulate what I felt in that moment, hearing her say this, as I have no recollection of this at all. It’s been going through my mind ever since. She further explained that I did hear what happened through the door as grandpa was telling Mom about his sons and her husbands death. I now understand the trauma I experienced, why I don’t remember and that drugs made everything appear fog-like for that initial day. As I’m reconnecting with this moment as an adult, so many years later, I feel chills and my heart fills with sadness. It changed our lives. I understand how difficult it must have been for Mom to keep it all together. What immense amount of strengths this woman had to muster to go on after such a blow, after losing her soulmate.

    Immediately there was the realization of her husband gone. Then her young daughter starts crying uncontrollably and can’t calm down. Not only her own loss to deal with, but now she had to worry about me as well. I understand now what she meant as she said that she kept everything away from me and why she did it. She’s talking about trouble, emotions and feelings that could have triggered another reaction like the one I had. I think she was afraid it would, that it would damage me and leave signs and scars that couldn’t be erased. She tried to protect me and keep it all away from me. Except I grew up a person that needed feelings and emotions, that had experienced loss and had to cope in my own way, with little help. Yet, Mom did the best she could and I was a child, not someone Mom could open up to, to find relief and comfort for her own grief. Back in those days it wasn’t common to see a psychiatrist and it was even frowned upon. Something was wrong with you, perhaps you were dumm, an idiot. How uneducated and shallow we must have been back then. We simply didn’t know better and didn’t understand. Therefore it was foreign and avoided all together. You suffered alone, had to get it together, be strong and tough, lock away your feelings, just like Mom did. I look back and my heart is heavy for the life that she had. Not knowing her own father for the first 11 years as he was a POW. Living through a war, fleeing a country with nothing but a few things on your back, the sirens that still go off here but now signal different troubles such as fires etc, besides the bomb alarms and invasions back then. Never really having a childhood and having to grow up way too soon, finding bliss with your soulmate to have it ripped away from you again. Raising me by herself with no outside help to digest all the heartache, while trying to find her own way in all of it.

    Her way of talking about it to me yesterday showed progress. Although she didn’t completely let go as I sat next to her and held her after she told me about the doctor and the shot he had given me, she still released a little pressure. We shared a moment together and I didn’t held back to control my own emotions. It’s been twice now that I have seen tear filled eyes, all within this week and perhaps my purpose has changed once more. I understand as to why I had no connection to my old room. I never slept in it again after the message of Dad’s death. It was nearly my childhood room but had no memories attached to it, other then that major, bad one. I don’t remember ever playing in it with a girlfriend. It was a bad place for me, one I didn’t want to return to. Strangely I’ve been sleeping in my room since I came back to Germany and feel that I have spent more time there now then before. It is true and after all, we had just recently moved into that house back in 74 as Dad died. That room has resembled unfinished business to me in a way I couldn’t explain. I didn’t know what it was until now, I just felt that I needed to spend time in it. Since, it has become a room I feel closest to Dad these days, and a place that has given me a little sanctuary. Crazy to consider the turn around, now that I know the full story, but I know it is so because healing has taken place.

    My purpose in coming to Germany has always been to help Mom, but also to find my own healing. It’s a time where her life is changing in dramatic ways as she loses control of being independent. Over the past six month I have witnessed Mom struggle many times and I know that she is not at peace. Peace is something that I wish for her, peace is something that I want her to take with her when she leaves this world. Peace is something I think I have seen glimpses of within her. My dear friend Amanda always reminds me to bring the light to Mom’s darkness. I think the light resembles peace, and I think by Mom opening up, releasing some of the emotions she had to hold for the past 44 years, is allowing a little peace and light to fill her soul, replacing the hurt with hope and perhaps this has been my purpose all along.

    Posted in Inspiration

    Thank you award

    Weeks of absence from my WordPress reader, finally the first post I read and what do I see. Wow, my dear, thank you for making my night in such a huge way. I’m honored to have made your list and feel privileged to have inspired you in any way. You should know the feeling is mutual and it’s been a pleasure to run across your blog. I hope by sharing this, many can find you and celebrate you for the amazing person you are. Thank you so much. Hugs