Posted in Journey, Mom

Work in progress

We had a terrible fight last night. The one that left me walking out on Mom, once more. It wasn’t due to anger or not being able to take the meanness she had in store for me, as it is nothing more then frustrated efforts to hold on to the life she once knew. Her fear of losing control is overwhelming, and adjusting and accepting her new life is very slow. I’m sure she knows something is wrong, that things are not the same anymore, and I think for the first time she is realizing the seriousness of her situation. That she is not in charge anymore, and that she is not able to get herself out of the nursing home. It has dawned that she could be there forever. I imagine it has to be frightening to her, spending the rest of her days in a place she doesn’t want to be, regardless of how well she is taken care of. A prison if you will and I’m sure she views it as such. Everything is fine between us as long as no serious conversation is addressed, but more and more “I want to go home” is a regular part of any interaction. I have learned not to engage in it, and sometimes it works and she drops it, and other times she won’t.

The new bill for the upcoming month arrived a few days ago, and she knows that within this week her bank account will be charged an absurd amount of money, which is her monthly contribution part. She still cannot comprehend how much care she requires, and that life as she knew it years ago, is not the same anymore. Whole timeframes in between as her sickness progressed are lost, and she doesn’t remember. She believes she just recently went shopping and did all kinds of other activities, when in reality it has been years. The diabetes and the onset of dementia has robbed those years from her. Try to explain something to someone who doesn’t remember and thinks that they know everything. Impossible.

Yesterday was one of those days and she didn’t drop the topic of wanting to go home. It was time bound and crucial, with only a few days left until the automatic charge would occur, so how could she? It was all or nothing as it would mean having to stay another month. Her frustration about her own situation turned into blame and guilt towards me. Holding on to that straw, unimaginable things came over her lips. I was the sounding block, the only one left to blame. It was almost eerie how calm I remained as all these things were addressed and meant for me. All my faults in her eyes, the do’s and don’ts that didn’t meet her approval, leaving her behind, that things would be different if my Dad was alive, my failed marriages and what I amounted to, all came out without any effort. Sure a few words flew back in my defense, but her attacks mainly bounced off of me. Unfazed, and unwilling to accept fault for the responsibilities that were hers and for the things she knew little about. Unwilling to be dragged down to that level, I sat through it for the most part. This was not my mother talking to me, and I saw the devil doing his work through her. It’s something that I have been reminding myself of for the past week when it comes to pain from different directions. All evil, just like all good has a source and it’s been more then once that I shouted at the devil to “fuck off”and that he wasn’t going to break me. (Sorry for the language, but it’s the only way I can convey the intensity of those moments). And no, I have not gone insane yet, and shouting it out actually felt pretty good. I do have a hell of a fight to fight and I have known before entering that it would take all of me, every resource possible to come out alive of this one. I’m fighting and I’m not done….

Recently I have been explained that the devil has more of an interest in me because I’m a threat to his work. Because I want to spread love and compassion, because I want everyone to succeed and live as harmonious as possible. A huge goal with all the challenges we have today, but the only way for me.

I want to feel deeply, with my eyes wide open and it’s exactly what I got. Not always will I feel good things, but such is life, and we can’t choose to only inhale the awesome moments. The challenges are part of it and mold us into who we are. But seriously, hasn’t there been enough molding over the past six month? I could use a break from it.

Gossip is not my thing either, and it spreads hurt. People with little facts add their own information/opinions, while pulling you through the mud. Forgetting that words are far more powerful than physical contact at times. It’s betrayal each and every time it happens. Physical contact can heal, but words remain engraved forever, and most of the times there is little that is actually true. It is what it is, one sided and you don’t get a chance to put the record straight. You have to live with people’s image of you that is often the furthest from the truth. It can leave you lonely and misunderstood. Just the thought of having to defend your character leaves sadness and is wrong.

I want my conversations to be meaningful, beyond the surfaces of small talk. I guess it means to get down and personal, beyond the polite chatter. It means sharing information, give and take beyond the basics. How else could we ever get to know who we truly are? What our needs are and how we best can support each other? I know it stirs many other questions, about trust, being vulnerable and getting hurt. About nobody’s business and about lowering that wall and letting someone in. It’s an entirely different post, but it is who I strive to be most days. No pretending, no disguise, what you see is what you get. It’s just not always understood and I know it is only because it’s so different, so unusual. It takes guts and it’s not because someone doesn’t try. We all communicate in different ways, fit for us.

Have you ever noticed that you can be in a room with someone and still feel alone? That you live a life with someone and there is no connection? You merely exist next to each other, day after day?

I want an emotional connection before a rational one. Chances are no one understands your journey anyways. It’s specific to you, and your own way of handling things. Your own emotions and level of preparedness. Where you are in your own journey through life. Unless you walk in those shoes yourself, you remain a bystander and can only support what your rational mind tells you. Emotions are usually absent from this, but what I need in response. Using reversed psychology, putting yourself into that situation, considering what you would do, might present different views.

I walked out on Mom yesterday. Angered and frustrated, but not hurt. I didn’t let the attacks reach my heart. I walked out because I gave up, and because I didn’t see any chance of getting through to her. It was a lost cause, and we would just argue back and forth. There was no resolve and I knew it. I removed myself from the situation, perhaps afraid that I couldn’t hold that shield up long enough to protect myself. Perhaps because I have heard it millions of times. Perhaps because it was well noted and I would never forget, but because I didn’t need any reminders. I left her behind, unable to follow me, sitting in her wheelchair, unable to do anything but throw verbal abuses. I walked out and took that opportunity away from her by doing so. I held all the cards, I had been in charge. It was back at home that I realized this. I didn’t want to be, and I will never enjoy holding power over, or be in charge over another human being. I AM NOT SUPERIOR.

I was hungry and I made asparagus creme soup, adding tons of brown mushrooms I wanted to use up. It was late already as all those thoughts crossed my mind. I wished I hadn’t walked out. We fought, which would be followed by a few good days, tiptoeing around each other, trying to keep the peace, and then the viscous circle would all repeat itself. I had to return and let her get it all out. Perhaps resolve a few things since the subject was warm already, although I felt that nothing would miraculously fall into place. I remembered that Mom’s voice cracked during our fight, and it was the closest I have ever seen her to tears. Afraid of having to stay in the home, the emotions nearly overwhelmed her. I had overlooked it in the heat of the moment, but it became crystal clear once I was at home. It’s all I could hear and see and it nearly overwhelmed me now. The amount of fear and hurt it took for her to get to the that point had to be tremendous. She was always in so much control, keeping her feeling well under check, it definitely was obvious that she experienced a moment of vulnerability. I had to go back.

I was grateful to have my cousins car that night. I grabbed the pot of soup and returned to Mom. She was lying in bed and looked up in surprise that I was back. I didn’t know what to expect and I went without expectations, but preparing my heart for the worst. I told her to get up while placing the soup on the table. She muttered a bit, but complied. She didn’t even have her dentures in anymore, but who needs teeth eating soup? I put her shoes on and placed her into the wheelchair. Together we sat at the table, in a nearly dark room, eating out of one pot and no other mean word fell. We talked normal, and there was care and compassion in her voice. Finally at 9PM, worried that I would get locked into the nursing home (I think deep down she hoped I would have to spend the night with her according to hints and references) she thanked me for the soup, hugged me goodnight, and told me to make it home safe. These were more emotions then she shows on most days. I’m sure the situations will repeat, and chances are it wasn’t the last time Mom will struggle with the realization and acceptance of staying in the nursing home. Yet last night was progress in overcoming, working through it and returning the light in the most difficult of situations to illuminate the darkness.

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

20 thoughts on “Work in progress

  1. Gorgeous, if there are angels walking this earth, you are one by all means! I know she is your mother, and always will be, but the strength you manage to find within yourself is beyond belief! As always, all I can offer you are kind words, and warm thoughts, but I really wish I could give you a tight hug right now, and try to shush all the negative things she tells away from you… *love*

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Awe love, I’m so honored, although I’m blushing from your kind words that praise what is normal behavior for me. Thank you so much, I truly feel privileged you feel this way and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your virtual tight hug brought a smile to my face and a deep sigh and breather. Thank you lovely. 💙

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  2. I am so glad you went back with Soup for your Mom. Not for her, but for you. Your Mom will not remember her rants so while you don’t feel so hurt by them, neither will she for the memory fades.

    One thing that my mother-in-law constantly reiterated, was that she wanted to go home, to be with her Mom and Dad. It didn’t matter that we constantly told her that they were dead, she reasoned that she would be happy if only she could leave the place she was in. Imagine waking up each day, not recognising anyone or the place you now come to be living in… It must feel awful, so my dear Rhapsody, you will hear the same tirade time and time again. She recognises you, so equates the fact that you visit her, with you being the instigator of everything that looks wrong in her life. Your story is so familiar to me. And while you accept the fact that she will always do this, you will still feel the sting that it is an awful end to her life (hence the yelling at demons to stay away from her). My love, it is a lonely journey watching a parent slip into the incoherence of dementia. Know that others have trodden that awful path too. We who have, hug you with the compassion of the ages, to heal your ‘thousand cuts!’💓💓💓😥

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much sissy. You are right and I’m glad I went as well. I know you are right, but I have also experienced a certain amount of detachment from the situation. Perhaps it is acceptance that some things will never change, taking the good with the bad, and celebrating the successes we do have.
      Thank you for support and for caring. 😘♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I know you are going to continue to be your authentic, true self, from the heart, from the soul, no matter what. No matter what others see, no matter what others understand, no matter what others say, no matter what others do. That is all you can do because you are a true spiritual warrior. It means you will always truly perceive kindred spirits and they will instantly recognise you. Not everyone lives and travels at the same vibrational level as you, not everyone is aware of how important it is not to practice self-deception. You know this, you are talking about it openly, being a beacon of light for others to see and follow. What is hard is when we desire someone in our life to be at the same level of understanding as we are, but they are just not able to exist at that level at the time, well, neither were we once. We are all growing up spiritually at different speeds, but ultimately we are all, stripped down to the essentials, beings of love and light, every last one of us. We can have those conversations with those people, we just need to do it by speaking to their higher selves, their souls, that can hear our words anywhere, any time. Many a time, I have lain in bed at night and said what I needed to say to someone’s higher self because I knew their physical self was just not ready to have that conversation with me, only to find when I next met them that there had been a change in the energy between us. You are not supposed to stay there and take it from your mom, there is no reason to. You are wise to leave the situation as soon as you see that it is not going to stop. You would be doing this for yourself and for your mom, who cannot help it (whether her personality or illness) and removing yourself enables her to calm down too. What you did by returning was a beautiful, beautiful thing, another method of speaking directly to her soul which is pure. You are so incredible, you really are. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. There is soooo much valuable information in your words my soul sister. I particularly loved the reminder about us all being on different levels. Some information simply will not be understood if we are not at that point of understanding and I will continue to be respectful of that as well as remind myself that I myself are not at the level to understand others with more experience. I love to look at it as addressing their higher self if needed.
      You are right and I did leave for Mom and myself. It was the best I could do and I have no regrets. But I’m also glad I went back and did not miss that opportunity. It was special to share the soup with her and I think she was grateful that I returned.
      Thank you so much for your words love. You always speak to my soul and you always have a way to bring love and calm to my soul. Xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My dear,
    I can’t but emphasize on the point that you’re one strong, independent, wise and strong *once more* Lady !
    She is your mom, there’s no doubt. She’ll always be.
    The way you handled this is a reflection of the person you truly are; loving, strong, and compassionate.
    You’re an angel in this world my dear !

    Love you

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Awe dearest Saraa. Your words touch me deeply and you are so kind. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
      I am glad I did have a car that night, and the chance to turn a bad situation into something positive. It took time and was a learning process. Something I might have not always been able to do from the hurt the attacks caused.

      Thank you my beautiful friend. Sending much light and love your way. Love always. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you again for your sharing Rhapsody. It is a true journey to read a story like this. I suspect that sometimes, no matter how much empathy there is, understanding their fears and so on, we are human and not machines. My mother is in her 90s, in a wheelchair, with various ailments, and I have many regrets about the way I insist that she do certain things essential for her well-being, sometimes in the end, with anger. Last week, we visitd a specialist, and she did everything he asked without the slightest complaint. This was a lesson for me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh wow Steve, thank you so much for sharing this with me. It always feels good to know that I’m not alone and Mom has pulled similar stunts. No matter what I say, it doesn’t seem to have the same value as if someone else says it, although it is the same. Go figure…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This post was one of those which helped me immensely to let go. Your courage in returning with something special gives me strength. Watching you as you struggle helps me in mine. Seeing you be the beautiful strong woman I have grown to know is one of my favorite things. Bless you so much for all you are and do. I truly admire you, M. VERY much.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Then I have accomplished my mission in multiple ways my dear friend. Not only with Mom and for myself, but also for people like yourself who can identify and find something between the lines. It is the reason as to why I post it public, so others know that they are not alone. Thank you for honoring me with such kindness. I always feel lost for words and a bit embarrassed, but in a good way. Love you very much my sister.

      Liked by 1 person

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