Drained

After the purpose was revealed, I felt motivated and inspired. I was optimistic to share my findings with Mom, despite the shred of hesitation that never quite left and caused some nervousness. Rightfully so, because no matter how I set it all up, stating the intentions of the talk, her not liking some of the things I had to say, and the desired outcome, the conversation went south faster then it had started. The crab retreated in her shell after dishing out a few nasty’s, and that’s where she remained, silent, distressed and finally turning her back. It was the end of the conversation.

I felt drained and out of energy quickly, although I had spent the prior day at the pool. Yet there was no break and felt restless. The nice nap I was hoping for never happened due to creepy crawlies, which in turn caused me not to fully relax. Everything itched and felt uncomfortable. The mosquito issue at home has gotten better, but now it is other pests such as spiders that find their way to me at night. I’m not at peace and the harmony is disrupted. I can feel the stress of it gnawing away, eating my sanity and leaving me more and more restless.

Lack of sleep left me vulnerable that day, and a few factors weight heavily on me.

• I’m missing my independence which includes my car and freedom to go wherever I want
• I miss my own four walls and my prior life
• I don’t like how this experience has changed me and there are mixed emotions. Although some huge milestones have been achieved and personal growth has happened, there has also been a tremendous amount of pain. It has changed my confidence stance and often leaves me timid and vulnerable. It is simply aging me…quickly. Luckily I don’t mind the silver streaks, but I can see it in my tired looking appearance.
• I don’t care for the weather and the humidity is killing me.
• I’m in pain all the time, and things have gotten worse since I got here. The RA is winning right now and I plan in completely changing my diet once more, com next week.

All these issues are just to name a few….

A few days ago I had a talk with Mom about the future. She wants to go home, but fails to acknowledge her situation. I’m yet to find out how she visualizes herself being at home, unable to walk. She has managed to blame me for everything and deflects all blame from herself. She continues to hold me in limbo with little regard for my own life. She has never forgotten, nor has she forgiven me for the things she feels I did wrong. I have amounted to nothing and she said some very harsh things. It wasn’t the first time and I was able to handle it much better this time. There was limited hurt from it, I basically let her say what she wanted. Illness or not, more and more I am convinced about how she feels about me, and even more about that it will never change. I feel detachment happening, although I know that hope will always remain. A miracle has already happened with her being alive today.

I still felt drained on the next time I saw Mom. Despite the break at the pool, the effects lingered. I couldn’t talk much or do anything. I just vegetated away. I had nothing to give, I was tapped out. The usual cheerleader, bringer of light was gone and I was there in body, but my mind was far from being present. Mom tried to talk a few times. I answered, but kept it brief. I didn’t feel like having small talk. I left early, despite of Mom’s sad looks. She tried to escape her shell and made an effort, and I’m sure she picked up my vibe. I felt that she needed me, but I had nothing to give. The adage and old saying that we can’t be good for anybody if we don’t take care of ourselves, was sending a reminder.

Back at home, everything came full circle as I talked it out. I realized that the things that had left me vulnerable also left me drained and feeling the way I did. I had reached my limit. I also realized something else. Of course I cared about the sad looks from Mom, trying to have conversations with limited responses from me, but it also was a lesson that this is not a given, that I might not always be the sounding block. I might not always be here to listen to the blame and accusations, and I might not return one day after being pushed too. The experience made me realize that inadvertently I blamed her for all my short falls, my vulnerabilities, my struggles. The challenges I endure for the one I’m trying to save, the one who has no clue and does nothing but work against me. For Mom the past will always win and take precedence. I think she is incapable to move on and allow the now. Her bed is made and her situation is what it is because she can’t forget and forgive.