Posted in Chronic illness, Life, Mom

Drained

After the purpose was revealed, I felt motivated and inspired. I was optimistic to share my findings with Mom, despite the shred of hesitation that never quite left and caused some nervousness. Rightfully so, because no matter how I set it all up, stating the intentions of the talk, her not liking some of the things I had to say, and the desired outcome, the conversation went south faster then it had started. The crab retreated in her shell after dishing out a few nasty’s, and that’s where she remained, silent, distressed and finally turning her back. It was the end of the conversation.

I felt drained and out of energy quickly, although I had spent the prior day at the pool. Yet there was no break and felt restless. The nice nap I was hoping for never happened due to creepy crawlies, which in turn caused me not to fully relax. Everything itched and felt uncomfortable. The mosquito issue at home has gotten better, but now it is other pests such as spiders that find their way to me at night. I’m not at peace and the harmony is disrupted. I can feel the stress of it gnawing away, eating my sanity and leaving me more and more restless.

Lack of sleep left me vulnerable that day, and a few factors weight heavily on me.

  • I’m missing my independence which includes my car and freedom to go wherever I want
  • I miss my own four walls and my prior life
  • I don’t like how this experience has changed me and there are mixed emotions. Although some huge milestones have been achieved and personal growth has happened, there has also been a tremendous amount of pain. It has changed my confidence stance and often leaves me timid and vulnerable. It is simply aging me…quickly. Luckily I don’t mind the silver streaks, but I can see it in my tired looking appearance.
  • I don’t care for the weather and the humidity is killing me.
  • I’m in pain all the time, and things have gotten worse since I got here. The RA is winning right now and I plan in completely changing my diet once more, com next week.
  • All these issues are just to name a few….
  • A few days ago I had a talk with Mom about the future. She wants to go home, but fails to acknowledge her situation. I’m yet to find out how she visualizes herself being at home, unable to walk. She has managed to blame me for everything and deflects all blame from herself. She continues to hold me in limbo with little regard for my own life. She has never forgotten, nor has she forgiven me for the things she feels I did wrong. I have amounted to nothing and she said some very harsh things. It wasn’t the first time and I was able to handle it much better this time. There was limited hurt from it, I basically let her say what she wanted. Illness or not, more and more I am convinced about how she feels about me, and even more about that it will never change. I feel detachment happening, although I know that hope will always remain. A miracle has already happened with her being alive today.
  • I still felt drained on the next time I saw Mom. Despite the break at the pool, the effects lingered. I couldn’t talk much or do anything. I just vegetated away. I had nothing to give, I was tapped out. The usual cheerleader, bringer of light was gone and I was there in body, but my mind was far from being present. Mom tried to talk a few times. I answered, but kept it brief. I didn’t feel like having small talk. I left early, despite of Mom’s sad looks. She tried to escape her shell and made an effort, and I’m sure she picked up my vibe. I felt that she needed me, but I had nothing to give. The adage and old saying that we can’t be good for anybody if we don’t take care of ourselves, was sending a reminder.
  • Back at home, everything came full circle as I talked it out. I realized that the things that had left me vulnerable also left me drained and feeling the way I did. I had reached my limit. I also realized something else. Of course I cared about the sad looks from Mom, trying to have conversations with limited responses from me, but it also was a lesson that this is not a given, that I might not always be the sounding block. I might not always be here to listen to the blame and accusations, and I might not return one day after being pushed too. The experience made me realize that inadvertently I blamed her for all my short falls, my vulnerabilities, my struggles. The challenges I endure for the one I’m trying to save, the one who has no clue and does nothing but work against me. For Mom the past will always win and take precedence. I think she is incapable to move on and allow the now. Her bed is made and her situation is what it is because she can’t forget and forgive.
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    Author:

    Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

    7 thoughts on “Drained

    1. Gorgeous, I hope you’ll find the strength to pull back when/if you need it. I know that even when your Mom doesn’t appreciate it, you can go the extra mile to help, but in the end, if you don’t care about yourself first, you’ll end up more than drained. I know you can’t help but give more and more, but you deserve to give to yourself too 🙂 *Lots of love!!* xx

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    2. Dearest Rhapsody… Do not despair. You only need to recognise the behaviours, and to accept them and then forgive them, both in yourself and in your Mom. Sometimes, that is all you can do. Time cannot be rolled back nor anything undone that has gone before.
      It is clear that your Mom cannot forgive, but you can. The turmoil of your heart is due to that one inconsistency between you. That you forgive her, releases you, but you must step away from her if her situation and lack of acceptance is making you ill. Do know that it is not a unique situation. Many with an aging parent who feels life has given them the ‘short stick’ will experience the wrath they throw out at losing their independence through physical necessity.
      Some time ago, I mentioned that there will be days when you visit less, or stay for shorter and shorter periods of time. You have reached those days my dear. You have saved your Mom’s life, and given her the chance to reconnect. You have done what you could. You have placed her in care out of harms way and put your life on hold for her. But you cannot put your life on hold forever. Look to your continuing journey, and know that you showed your Mom that you cared and loved when she most needed it. She is incapable of returning that same gift, so you must draw up your strength, care for and love yourself and do what is necessary now for your own well being.
      Hugs… ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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