Posted in Life, Mom

This and that

Just a few more days and the company I used to work for in the states will forever close their doors. I really haven’t worked since the end of February, but at least I was still employed. It feels a little different now as everything is coming to an end and to fully understand that I will not work with the people that once were my team again. Yet, a few friendships have formed that are very special and will last well beyond. I might’ve not worked for a few months, but in reality I have busted my tail. I have engulfed myself into a different mission and the payoff has been of other value than the monetary kind. One that has been rewarding, most important and sometimes even missing. Mom has been my mission, my employer, the one consuming all of my efforts and actions.

The past week, since Moms return to the nursing home has mostly been peaceful. I know that she is genuinely happy when I come to visit her, and she has smiled that child like smile more times than ever. She is considerate, rational and accommodating. Her face is soft as well as her voice and she reacts to touch, is food motivated for the treats that i bring her and seems to enjoy my company. We read the little Buddha for the first time in what had been a few weeks. The last time we read was just before she was admitted into the hospital, and Mom loves the little book. I’m not always sure that she understands the lessons that come with each chapter, and sometimes she even gets a bit sidetracked by wanting to read a headline in her own magazine. When I stop to read because she is not giving me her undivided attention, she quickly puts the magazine down and pleats that she is paying attention. I haven’t tested her yet by making her repeat what I just read, and I’m grateful that “I” can do something as simple as read to her, that makes her happy. Again the importance lies within that it is me who brings that joy to her, and honestly I often feel that she might have not survived the last episode without me. I know that I gave her purpose and something to look forward to. I made her hold on and not give up hope. I made her believe that she could do it and she did.

During a rough patch a few weeks ago, she told me that my childhood bed was going to stay where it was, in my childhood room, the room I’m sleeping in. It was too late and I had purchased a mattress and a new bed that was waiting to be assembled and to which she had prior agreed to. I couldn’t turn back anymore and I think she knew it. During the argument I told her that I had planned on putting the old bed in the attic and cover it for protection. “Don’t you dare”she said and although I did assemble the new bed, I didn’t put the old one in the attic. I felt guilty to some point, going against her wishes, feeling even weird removing the screws that Dad once drove into the wood as he assembled my childhood bed. I took the pieces downstairs into what used to be my grandparents apartment and leaned them against the wall. It’s been weeks since this happened now. Two days ago, out of the blue, Mom asked me if I assembled the white bed (my childhood bed) again up in the attic. Somewhere and somehow she had stored that information and recalled it in the most surprising and unusual of ways. I was stumped for a moment as I looked at her waiting on the answer, and finally said “No”. It was her turn to be surprised and she responded by saying “I thought that’s what you said you would do.” I just smiled at her and said “Well I didn’t” while changing the subject almost within that same sentence. I wasn’t sure if telling her the whole truth would be beneficial and I didn’t want to risk getting her upset. It all worked out and I think deep down she knows that I did put up the new bed. It doesn’t matter, but what does is to keep her at peace. That has been my mission and I have become a collector of smiles and one moment at a time.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

16 thoughts on “This and that

    1. Thank you Colette, it is something I pride myself with. To not have fallen into the pity hole and get lost in darkness. Although I can empathize and see how others do. It’s a fine line and a dangerous path at times. Thank you for being a light in my horizon and for never letting me fall. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  1. This was an encouraging read. As usual. I bitch and moan and you bring light. Thank goodness for you!!!!!!
    We need to live one moment at a time and don’t ruffle the boat as it can upset at any second. xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awe, you know that’s not true and I have plenty of moments and I’m no stranger to darkness. For me, I just don’t stay there very long, thank goodness. We walk this path together and we lean on each other throughout. So thank you for the gift of YOU. Xoxoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry to know your job ended so unexpectedly and without the chance to be there with your colleagues. Your destiny is taking its own course, my dear friend, one that you have willingly accepted like the wise soul you are. And yes, you have been working harder and in the most profound and demanding ways since you left your employer, fighting for your mother’s soul, as the beautiful, compassionate and peaceful warrior you are.
    Your creativity knows no bounds in tirelessly devising more and more special methods to keep your mom focused on what makes her smile. Considering she would have been on her own and deteriorating before you came, I bet she hasn’t felt this much love or been so happy for a long time, despite the times when the opposite is true. It’s a joy to hear your efforts are being rewarded and that amongst the weight and burden of it all, you receive these times of peace, love and calm, even though you have to work so hard to reap them. My heartfelt blessings go to you both, my sister. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much my soul sister. I can’t add anymore to what you already said here and you speak the purest of truths as always. I know I have to work for these moments with Mom and I knew before I came that I would have to. It’s tough and hard sometimes, it’s even natural go break down and take a break from time to time, but I think times like these make the end result more meaningful. Nothing in life is free and if it was perhaps the meaning and the magic of those won moments wouldn’t be the same. Xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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