Posted in Life, Mom

Trusting the unseen

I have seen Mom less during the past three weeks, trying to find more balance for myself and gather new strengths. It’s a constant challenge and when I’m there to see Mom, I get so tired and exhausted at times that I wish I was back home able to catch a break. And when I’m home, I feel sad for her being so alone, knowing that I’m pretty much all she has to bring a little balance and light into her own day. I managed to ride the bicycle there twice now and it’s not so bad when it is cooler outside. It brings me the exercise I was looking for as a counter to sitting so much, but I’m not sure I can manage when it get’s hotter, and heat is in the way.

Without a doubt has this been one of the toughest times of my life. I’m strong and I fight for Mom until moments of vulnerability creep back in and leave me raw. Yesterday was such a moment, although everything went well and I really had no reason for it. Nothing crazy happened, and yet I felt like I wanted it all to end. Tired of the same motions, going around in circles, facing fears and letting the roof fall onto me, I just wished things were different. I can’t even tell you how different and in which way. There is nothing simple and easy about life and more and more I’m learning to understand this phrase. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok but the ego found a way to sneak back in and play a tune of terror. I felt guilty for only seeing Mom for three hours every other day, guilty for her existence, her fate, which I know is not up to me to carry. It is a big part of my life and always has been. I don’t think I will ever not feel responsible for Mom, wishing her life could have been different. I will never see her childhood pictures without feeling bad for the innocent child that had no clue of how much crap was ahead of her.

I think was scares me the most is the unseen and not knowing how this all is going to continue. Eventually, I will have to leave, I dread that day. Eventually, I can’t ride the bike there anymore. Eventually the dependable, frightened thing (me) will wear out her welcome. It’s scary and what I meant in the past with feeling lonely. Life goes on for everyone as I become extra responsibility and I know it. Everybody will wonder and perhaps already is how this is going to continue. Why I struggle to accept the things the way they are, unable to just move past it and say that I did what I could. To give myself permission and wash my hands clear of my conscience. My devotion to Mom might have strained some relationships because I have too much heart invested and can’t grasp the rational sense of everything. It’s not that I don’t understand that side, but I feel that compassion is a much better servant for someone that is losing the life they have come to known. More than ever I will have to trust my two swords of faith and love to carry me through the heartache. To trust and believe that I am doing everything within my power. I just don’t think that I’m done doing all just yet, and again it is the unknown, the unseen that scares me, wondering how and when the time will be that I know. How will it look like, will Mom be ok, and how will it affect me so far away? I think I have been stuck in this funk for a few days now, almost feeling guilty that I’m allowing myself some time to live. As if I’m not deserving because I have a specific mission, one that is time sensitive and dependent on so many things. I have felt unmotivated to write and this seems to be the longest, most insightful post in awhile. It can truly be overwhelming to go through the motions to say the least.

On the way home from Mom yesterday, I found the biggest black feather yet. I quickly laid the bike down to stop and pick it up. I added it to my bag of 1000 wishes (another post) that I already had collected and stored it in my small bag pack. I feel that the universe provides us with messages just at the right time and when we need them. Perhaps this was a message that a loved one and my angel is watching over me. That protection was given to shield me from any negativity and that clarity was on the way. I’m holding strong, while allowing the negativity that comes in many forms to pass through me. I continue to make love and faith my priority and trust that the unseen will find it’s way.

My collection of feathers found so far.

Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

15 thoughts on “Trusting the unseen

  1. Rhapsody, as I read this I felt it was me writing. I may just reblog this to my own blog because it is so exactly what I feel much of the time.
    I’m not sure if I told you, the other day my youngest asked when I was going to come home. He’s 24, but I almost cried. That endless surrounding mantle of responsibility is so hard to wear and even harder to discard.

    And I thank you so much for being in my back pocket when I was having my tooth done- I forgot to mention it in the blog, you were the tiny zebra rock I was sitting on! :o)

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know what you mean and so much of our stories collide and seem similar these days. I always know you understand and I often see you in the same situation.
      Thank you for taking me with you in the form of the zebra rock and letting me hold your booty, eh eh hand. 😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, I was going to tuck the rock in my bodice, but I figured a pocket was a better spot! Kind of like the Princess and the Pea, only having a rock in my pocket wasn’t a bad thing, but a good one.

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  2. Don’t worry everything is be done in good times. You don’t need to rush anything. She’s in good hands, and seeing her 3 hours a day it’s nice. we’ll see how her health will turn up in these next weeks.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I think you are right and yet at some point time will be an issue as I can’t live without income forever. Therefore I think it’s normal to stress about it from time to time whether I want to or not.

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      1. It would be difficult in a small down with no work and no car 😔. There are a lot of challenging factors actually and I’m not the youngest anymore. I struggle with the humidity here and it would be a stretch walking to a train station etc. I did I as I was younger, but now pipe be something else

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  3. What you describe and how you feel is very understandable, my dear one. When your mind fills with fears you will find your thoughts spending a lot of time in the past and future, you, who is queen of the ‘now’ moment, for it’s not always your heart talking, it’s your fear too, sometimes, and that’s to be expected for any human being. And yet I can hear your heart, still connected and its voice is strong. Is this the curse of the empath? To be so full of painful feelings? May your sojourn with sorrow, trepidation and misplaced guilt be short, for you are too wonderful for words. Keep following your heart, you will know when it’s time to change direction and Crow is here to help you with that now.
    You have found a crow feather, something I know about as I belong to Crow Tribe. This is a sign of magic and clear sight. It stands for your intelligence, for Crow is the most incredibly intelligent being. It’s a great honour for anyone to have Crow walk alongside them, you have shown all the integrity, intelligence, clarity and authenticity required for this honour to be yours. Your entire post today is ‘crow talk’. This is Crow working with you, you are simply working it out, as it must be done, reflecting and reviewing. Keep an eye out for Crow in your day to day life, you have found a great ally. You are not only my Soul Sister now, you are part of the Clan too! My love is with you xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You are right my soul sister and sometimes the fear catches up with all of us. Without fear we’d never appreciate the comfort of safety and things going smooth, so I try and let let the feelings pass through me. There seems to be no in between though and in good times life is bright and beautiful, where in tough times ibis awfully dark and painful. I try to remember that it will pass and that I’m only human. “Only” seems quite enough these days and comes with so much extra.
      Your comment touched my heart as always. I welcome and honor being a part of your clan and the guidance and help Crow has for me. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are right, fear is an ally too, of a sorts, fear indicates that love is increasing, for with love comes power, and power brings upheaval. This is what causes tough conditions, that eventually make room for even more love. You, I know, are able to let these thoughts pass like clouds across the sky. Your feelings are deep but you know how to let them go. You are human at the moment, but you are also a being of glorious light and love. Always. xxx

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      2. Thank you so much my sister, I think you a right and I always make it a point to feel every emotion, recognize it and evaluate it, but in the end let it pass through me so I can return to a neutral state. Xoxoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  4. ​BLACK FEATHERS
    protection
    warning
    repelling of negative energy
    death (as in a closed chapter, end of something)
    increased mystical wisdom
    a sign that you are undergoing a spiritual initiation & growth
    magic
    spiritual wisdom
    when shiny or iridescent, it can represent high mystical insight
    standing strong & setting strong boundaries, while remaining aware

    I think this is momentous. Place your feathers on your windowsill as protection (from what, I don’t know) as you sleep. Their magic will work for you while you sleep. Perhaps you need protection from your own negative thoughts.

    Do not worry Sister. Your strength is there. You do not need to doubt.
    All will resolve, and you will receive what you need.

    It is very tiring dealing with things that you have little control over. I send you energy and hugs for comfort. I know you have the Strength. You are just doubting yourself a little. Be gentle with yourself. Your bike riding should have breaks, so you can replenish your energy.
    Smile, my dear… You will feel the angels gather you up! 😊💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is very profound Colette and sometimes we need protection from the unseen. My black feather rests above my bed on my altar for protection. It is funny you mention my bike riding and although I feel it is good to eat some exercise, I have also taken a break from it as too much of a good thing is damaging to my joints it feels. I’ve been reading numerous messages (horoscopes) warning me to take it easy. So your message is right on point.
      Smiling, to have sisters like you in my life. Xoxoxo 🦋❤️

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