I have seen Mom less during the past three weeks, trying to find more balance for myself and gather new strengths. It’s a constant challenge and when I’m there to see Mom, I get so tired and exhausted at times that I wish I was back home able to catch a break. And when I’m home, I feel sad for her being so alone, knowing that I’m pretty much all she has to bring a little balance and light into her own day. I managed to ride the bicycle there twice now and it’s not so bad when it is cooler outside. It brings me the exercise I was looking for as a counter to sitting so much, but I’m not sure I can manage when it get’s hotter, and heat is in the way.
Without a doubt has this been one of the toughest times of my life. I’m strong and I fight for Mom until moments of vulnerability creep back in and leave me raw. Yesterday was such a moment, although everything went well and I really had no reason for it. Nothing crazy happened, and yet I felt like I wanted it all to end. Tired of the same motions, going around in circles, facing fears and letting the roof fall onto me, I just wished things were different. I can’t even tell you how different and in which way. There is nothing simple and easy about life and more and more I’m learning to understand this phrase. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok but the ego found a way to sneak back in and play a tune of terror. I felt guilty for only seeing Mom for three hours every other day, guilty for her existence, her fate, which I know is not up to me to carry. It is a big part of my life and always has been. I don’t think I will ever not feel responsible for Mom, wishing her life could have been different. I will never see her childhood pictures without feeling bad for the innocent child that had no clue of how much crap was ahead of her.
I think was scares me the most is the unseen and not knowing how this all is going to continue. Eventually, I will have to leave, I dread that day. Eventually, I can’t ride the bike there anymore. Eventually the dependable, frightened thing (me) will wear out her welcome. It’s scary and what I meant in the past with feeling lonely. Life goes on for everyone as I become extra responsibility and I know it. Everybody will wonder and perhaps already is how this is going to continue. Why I struggle to accept the things the way they are, unable to just move past it and say that I did what I could. To give myself permission and wash my hands clear of my conscience. My devotion to Mom might have strained some relationships because I have too much heart invested and can’t grasp the rational sense of everything. It’s not that I don’t understand that side, but I feel that compassion is a much better servant for someone that is losing the life they have come to known. More than ever I will have to trust my two swords of faith and love to carry me through the heartache. To trust and believe that I am doing everything within my power. I just don’t think that I’m done doing all just yet, and again it is the unknown, the unseen that scares me, wondering how and when the time will be that I know. How will it look like, will Mom be ok, and how will it affect me so far away? I think I have been stuck in this funk for a few days now, almost feeling guilty that I’m allowing myself some time to live. As if I’m not deserving because I have a specific mission, one that is time sensitive and dependent on so many things. I have felt unmotivated to write and this seems to be the longest, most insightful post in awhile. It can truly be overwhelming to go through the motions to say the least.
On the way home from Mom yesterday, I found the biggest black feather yet. I quickly laid the bike down to stop and pick it up. I added it to my bag of 1000 wishes (another post) that I already had collected and stored it in my small bag pack. I feel that the universe provides us with messages just at the right time and when we need them. Perhaps this was a message that a loved one and my angel is watching over me. That protection was given to shield me from any negativity and that clarity was on the way. I’m holding strong, while allowing the negativity that comes in many forms to pass through me. I continue to make love and faith my priority and trust that the unseen will find it’s way.
My collection of feathers found so far.