Posted in Chronic illness, Mom

The “Dark”side

If you’re expecting a post about Star Wars, I have to disappoint you as this won’t be it. But it’s the best fitting title that jumped into my head to describe the madness of today.

My start to the week, Monday, started with a call from the hospital. Mom’s wounds are healing well enough for her to be discharged, most likely on Wednesday. There was confusion since Mom demanded on coming home, not the nursing home, but coming home. Although, and with power of attorney, it seemed like there wasn’t much I could do and the hospital said that she was still capable of making her own decisions. To please stop by and to perhaps talk to her prior to her discharge. I could feel panic beginning to take over my body and immediately felt sick. I didn’t know what to do at first.

Mom is no condition to come home into her house, and continually requires medical assistance. One huge problem is that she doesn’t realize it, and can’t see it because of the illness. There is denial and not knowing, not understanding and not remembering. It’s very tough on the sidelines. There is my bed that I assembled, the one she later didn’t remember anymore and she would flip out if she saw it. The other thing that got assembled are two patio chairs and a table that is hers, which I’m sure she will not like either. Her mattress is in the garage and needs to be disposed. She will continue to claim that she only spilled tea on it and I wish it was so. Two of her kitchen chairs are up in the attic and ruined from incontinence. More tea according to her. It’s a mess all the way around.

I called and luckily I got to meet with her family doctor. He pretty much just confirmed what I already knew and couldn’t discuss much because of the privacy act. All he could do was listen and gently guide me to talk to a doctor at the hospital, explaining the situation again that Mom’s House is not set up for the care she requires. That she needs professional care 24/7, care that I cannot provide for her no matter how much I would want to. It’s always the same and what I truly need is someone else for once trying to take a stab at telling Mom. I have no rank or say so whatsoever with her. I’m the lowest in the totem pole regardless of being her daughter. I am the one who left her behind, and somehow in her mind it’s not worthy to be forgiven. No matter how much i have sacrificed or done so far for her. She will tell me in a heartbeat that it was my choice to come and that i didn’t have to. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. We had some wonderful moments together since I got here, moments that we have been closer than ever. When things go bad, she will always be the boss and exert her power of me. When the illness takes over she will put me in my place and I can feel the day coming when I will have to walk away to safe myself. I can even deal with it and somehow find a way to not engage, to realize that there is no winning in this mad battle, but I always get dragged into the mud when it comes to here coming home. As if I am the one not allowing it, the one who is responsible for her illness and her future. She does take ownership or responsibility. She deflects blame instead and again I remind myself of the horrible illness.

I indeed got to talk to a doctor at the hospital and pleated my case. The confusion the cleared to some extend by letting him know that here care is set up at the senior home. The hospital was confused since Mom was picked up from there, but said she wasn’t going back there again and was going home. It should have never even been an option, and I should have never even gotten thrown in the middle of this. I’m sure everything was in her paperwork, so why drag me into it and make it sound like it was my choice? Mom clearly thinks that it is not up to me to decide, and that she is going to show me what’s up. She banished me from her apartment, wanted her house keys and later threw me out of her hospital room. I am afraid she is going to cause a scene in the ambulance and I’m still afraid that it will show up in front of the house regardless. I can’t even imagine what to do then. Refuse it of course since she can’t survive here, but can you imagine if it came to that? I will have to call the hospital again tomorrow to check on the status and ensure this is not happening. She will not be happy either way and might not ever want to see me again. She voiced again today that she rather be dead instead of going back to the senior home. That she was taken care of there and had it good, but she rather be dead then to return. How can I help with this and mind-frame that clearly is sick?

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Author:

I'm a dreamer and hopeless romantic who believes that there is always a silver lining to everything. Now, inspired by the simple life, I have learned that less is more and that we find magic all around us if we take the time to notice. Life is a journey and a process that is ever changing. We are constantly evolving in the matter of who we are as we align our stars and shed a past no longer in line with our highest self. I don't easily fit conventional norms, not because I'm a rebel, but because of resenting the pull that threatens to take me away from my true beliefs and my unique personal identity. I support the power of "Choice" and the ability for us to be the architects of our own lives. Some of these choices should have something a little wild about them as they form the moments that forever stay edged in our memory and make our hearts beat with wonder. Nobody will remember the ordinary. For myself, I'm a warrior who has fallen many times, who has gone through trails an tribulations and who is no stranger to adversity. After all, my choice remains clear, to get back up and stand stronger than ever. To recognize that it often takes our darkest moments to mold us into who we were meant to be. I have learned to trust the process and stay positive through the challenges. I trust it to be the only way to prevent my heart from hardening and allowing bitterness to creep in. I believe in the power of "NOW" as it is the only moment we truly ever have. The past is gone, unchangeable and the future hasn't happened yet. All we can impact is the current moment. Everything starts with a choice and hopefully with one that has something wild about it and may even scare you to death to execute. DO IT...I promise you won't regret it. This blog is my voice to share my Journey. If I could describe this adventure in short, I would call it "Spiritual awakening" with a yearning for "Freedom" and going after the things that truly matter. To seek a less complicated life that is stripped down from the many obligations and responsibilities that often tie us down. For me it is a life free of rules and regulations, one that allows me to escape the must expectations while jumping off the hamster wheel that is spinning faster all the time. To be on my own time and live each day to the fullest, to make it all slow down by banishing routine and unleashing my creativity/artistic values in an effort to entertain whatever subject comes to mind. And if lucky, to perhaps offer a different view to my readers, one that speaks to your soul vs. the demands of what society might expect. It is one that empowers you to be your unique self and follow the beat of your own drum. I am dreaming big as I trail blaze the path to a new life and becoming a storyteller. I find my inspiration in the little things in life, in Mother Nature and on the trail that provides the adventures and the backdrop for a book someday. My hope is to inspire "Courage" in others who might find themselves on the brink of taking that first step. This blog serves as a foundation for my collection of personal thoughts, opinions and experiences and by no means am I an expert on any topics mentioned. To my readers I would say that the universe connects us by a common thread, we all search and we all have something to say. We don't always have to meet in person to share a strong bond and people enter our path for a reason. Some stay for a short time and serve their purpose, while others teach us a lesson and help us become stronger through experience. And a few special ones remain as the treasures we hold dear over a lifetime and touch our hearts beyond means. In whatever way we are meant to be, I thank you for crossing my path and for stopping by. I hope that I have left you inspired, full of wonder and with a few "Wild Choices" to make....Hugs XO

20 thoughts on “The “Dark”side

  1. This is a difficult situation….I understand how you must be feeling, the only thing I can say be strong and do the best possible thing for your mom even though she will give you a hard time about it either way. I absolutely understand what it is like to have a mother who dominates so much, mine is too.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. You are absolutely right and it is my main focus to do the best I can. Not all days are equal and I’m learning fast in the process of this terrible illness. I have to remind myself that it is the illness talking during the tough times and that it really isn’t Mom. Thank you so much.

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  2. Trust that it is going to be alright. You have done the best you possibly could. You have spoken to two doctors, clarified the mistake that was made, informed the right people of the right course of action. Not only have you coped with the hospital’s mistake but your mother’s stance, which was highly likely to be this way, come time for discharge. Of course this is very distressing, I cannot think of a single person I know who wouldn’t be feeling the same in your shoes, but neither can I think of anybody more equipped to get through this situation than you because, once again, those two swords of Love and Faith are called for, big style. That’s not to say it doesn’t hurt, hugely, I cannot truly imagine, but that’s coming from your thoughts and you can keep on reminding those thoughts you have Love and Faith. This situation must have been a shock, it shouldn’t have happened, you were let down by the hospital but there are no ordinary moments.
    Since she’s not being discharged just yet, are there any more practical steps to ensure that the ambulance is certainly going to the care home and that the care home are expecting her, if that’s needed?
    Rhapsody, you know what your mom needs for her safety and care, there is only Love as your guidance. If she makes a scene at the care home, it doesn’t matter, that’s her doing that, leave it with the professionals. Your Love could not be deeper and your Faith could not be stronger – now trust. My love is with you, as always, I am always here for you. I am holding you in my heart. x

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It always is ok somehow and things are much better today. I am learning so much and so quickly now. What I can and cannot say, what is the best a d what makes no sense and is lost energy. While learning all of this I have to let go of ideals or perception I might have had and accept that the future will be different. I have to adjust and comply for everybody’s sake. Take control and ownership over a life I wished could still take care of herself. I have to make decisions that may not support matters of the heart but are rational and what is needed in the best interest for Mom. I know all these things as go through some challenges and some moments of love and light each day. I will adjust and continue to do the best I can possible do.
      Mom is being discharged today and after some errands and further talks yesterday I received support and help after the damage was done. All should be ok in regards to her transport to the nursery home later today and it will be seen how she reacts to me, alone in person. I have a few distractions planned for her, fingers crossed.
      I am trusting that everything unfolds with purpose and meaning. And I am trusting that everything will be ok. Thank you so much my soul sister. Thank you for holding me and thank you for being there for me. You are amazing and I cherish your heart and spirit and everything that makes who YOU are. Xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s a challenging road, but I’m willing to do my best. You know it and your guidance is a friend that helps lead the way. Thank you so much my dear soul sister. I’m glad that I don’t have to do it alone. Xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hmmm…. hard time. If I were you I would make the decision that sounds right to me, no matter the “consequences”.
    I know you will be doing good!
    Big big hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you love. I’m torn a d the heart will always see Mom at home in her own four walls, in her own sanctuary of comfort. Yet it no longer a place for her to survive or get the care she requires for multiple reasons. It’s hard to put her in a nursing home because of best care and everything being regulated and monitored so she has the best chance for healing and survival while knowing she’d rather be dead then to be there.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah, dear Rhapsody, this situation sounds so familiar to me. Unfortunately, hospitals are rushed places where only critical care is considered. They so seldom take into account that the patient may not be rational enough to make decisions for herself. They rarely liaise with the care home properly.

    Arrange for the care home to take your Mom back, and have her transferred by ambulance there. Leave her for a day while she settles back and then go to see her. As Amanda says, leaving this to the professionals is best course of action. It will work out. Your Mom will always want to go home… My Mom in Law always wanted to go home to live with her parents (both dead of course). None of this is a reflection of present day. Your Mom is living in her memories, not reality and just doesn’t know the difference.

    Your Mom saying she’d rather die than go back to the care home is also familiar. Unfortunately, many people would rather die than live with their illness, disability, losing their dignity to the whims of people they don’t know. It is a reality of old age, that we don’t want to be a burden or have to lose our independence. It is the hardest thing to feel ourselves slipping slowly away. Be kind but firm that your Mom is in the best place. Talk about old times and how much you enjoyed certain events. Distract her as much as you can from present situations. If she can’t calm down, leave and go back the next day.
    It is better to spend 10 minutes of great interaction, than an hour of recriminations and aggressive confusion.

    As your Mom’s mind deteriorates, you will find your visits frequent but much shorter. Anything else will stress you both too much.

    Towards the end of Dementia, your Mom will confuse you with other people or won’t recognise you at all. It is the most depressing stage of the condition. The person you knew is no longer present in her physical body. She may look unkempt too. This is not because the staff don’t care for her, but because she becomes upset and aggressive if anyone tries to help her. The staff are trained to keep Dementia patients happy, first and foremost. Everything else is secondary and accomplished as possible. My Mom in Law would not take her medication, nor wear her glasses, teeth or hearing aid. All of them went out the window if any attempt made to give them to her. In her mind, she was a little girl and didn’t need any of those ‘awful’ things.

    Rhapsody, you are so loving and caring. Your Mom is so very fortunate to have you. Don’t let her illness frighten you, just be there, when she allows it, to hold her hand and smile while she goes through this awful transition. The Goddess in you will shine on the situation. Imagine your light wrapping your Mom in tenderness to keep her safe from the torture of her illnesses. 💖💖💖

    Liked by 4 people

    1. PS – Try to build a rapport with the carers at the home. They have a difficult job and low pay. Even the slightest attempt from you to be friendly and concerned about their lives, will illicit good feeling and smiles and they will be more inclined to help your Mom knowing that you appreciate them. 💖💖💖

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Luckily I have done so and have written cards as well as made gifts. I have verbally thanked them and there are truly a few that go above and beyond. Who care besides it being a job. Thank you very much for the tip Colette ♥️♥️

        Liked by 1 person

    2. You are so right with so much that you are saying here and I’m learning really quickly here. Mom is back at the cafe hime as of today and all went well in the end. Luckily there was nothing to arrange since she has her room already and remains hers unless I’d cancel. I realize that some things will never change and she will always want to go home. It’s a battle to be fought one day at a time.
      I have grown myself during this time and my mission solely consist of being by her side to bring light and distraction while few remain remain. I have come to terms with a few things and I will post about soon. It is a learning process.
      I thank you so much for all your advice and guidance, for taking the time to write this so in detail. I have to admit that it is painful to read and i know that i can’t be in denial and need to face the music. I know it is information i need to know so i can act properly. But it is so hard already. She was the sweetest thing today and it breaks my heart. It’s almost easier when she is mean to me, it makes it easier to deal with. I pray for strengths and light.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh goodness, what a nightmare! You have already got some lovely wise comments above- I echo them fully. I’m so sorry to read that you’re going through this, I send any love and support that may help xx ❤

    Liked by 3 people

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