Posted in Life, Moon-child

Hospital

I got to see Mom at the hospital on Thursday and Friday. She was still a bit difficult on the first day, and many of the old accusations were thrown my way as far as leaving her behind and if Dad was alive I’d be different and so on. I heard it so many times, I’ll remember it for the rest of my live.

Mom’s handicap identification card came in the mail. It list her handicap percentage and has multiple symbols/abbreviations on it that I will need to look up to fully understand. What I fully understood were the reasons as to why her license was granted.

  1. Dementia and behavioral issues
  2. Trouble in both knees/legs, open wounds and amputated toes
  3. Diabetes

I knew right away from reading it, especially the first reason that it explained a lot about Mom’s recent behavior. How she could fight with me and ten minutes later talk as if nothing had happened. It simply didn’t happen in her mind and she was sweet as pie while leaving you sit there to chew at the junks she had just thrown your way. The paperwork that came along with her license explained a lot. I had my answer. Dementia…

Today was better and she smiled that smile while talking with a soft voice. One of the first things she said to me, was that she had a operation ahead of her, in the afternoon. She didn’t fully know for what and the only thing she said was that her foot was very bloody today as the doctor looked at it. How she thought everything was ok and all of a sudden she needed a other operation. She seemed strong, but I could sense her worry. Later on I found out that there are a few pieces of bone that need to be removed. Apparently they poke, causing the foot to bleed, unable to heal. I stayed with her until they came to take her to surgery. She let me hold her hand and even squeezed it back. All I could do is look at her and see this sweet, caring lady while remembering the monster that was lying silent right now, but which had a side to itself that was terrible and painful to observe. Not that I want to call Mom a monster, but when fear mixes with deep seated pain, dementia and a loss of understanding, it is monstrous and sad to watch. Downright helpless, and you have to learn to recognize that behavior is often due to illness. I did so before I knew that Mom had dementia and this is merely confirmation of what I felt. I though she was bi polar.

I don’t know how long she has had the dementia, but it further confirms that Mom can never be by herself anymore. I just don’t know how I will ever make her understand this. In her eyes I will continue to be that horrible child that abandoned her and left her behind.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

27 thoughts on “Hospital

  1. Rhapsody, you must try to not let the slings and arrows of dementia influence your feelings (hard, I know). My mother-in-law kicked me, and attacked me with her walking cane during some of her more demented times. She also blamed my husband, her carer for many years before her entry into a home, for everything wrong in her world. These are symptoms of the disease Rhapsody, and the failings of a ravaged mind. Try to focus your Mum on the lucid years of early life. I made up an album of my Mother-in-Law’s early life up to middle age. Her photos of her when she was a pretty little thing would elicit stories of her happy childhood, flirting with boyfriends and her participation in the war years (mostly dating soldiers and not about the war itself). Whenever we had a bad angry day, out came the book. If she was able to look at her early memories, she calmed down. Yes, you have to answer the same questions over and over. Yes you hear the same stories over and over. But try to answer them kindly, as if they are new to you…because to your Mom, they are. It has an amazing effect if your Mom can just keep thinking and making some rational sense of her world.
    Be strong my dear. You will cherish the little time left once she is gone. Life is a dance, but sometimes we cannot change our partners until the music has finished. Your Mom’s music is starting to fade, but there are a few notes there that still sound so very sweet in amongst the jangling chords! 💞💞💞💟

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hello Colette, thank you for sharing your own experiences with this. I know it’s hard and I had a uncle with dementia that would hit my aunt out of the blue. He was in the nursing as well, so I’m familiar with the ups and downs of this horrible disease. The book is a wonderful idea and we have similar ways to bring up our special times. It always makes the troubles go away and a smile returns. I’m already grateful for the time that we have so it’s nothing that has to wait until later when she’s gone. I’m grateful that I’m here, and I have never expected it to be easy. I knew a hard road was ahead of us. What I didn’t know was that mom was sick with dementia and I’ve only learned about it a few days ago. I’m trying to adjust to the news and not to take things personally as quickly as I can, but obviously everything has changed and I can’t just flip a switch. I’m human and I think I have done pretty well not to take things personal. Of course there are times of vulnerability when things like that happen. I have long said that it is the illness talking and it has always helped me justify her actions way before I knew she has dementia. I would imagine I’ll manage even better now with her illness being confirmed. Thank you, hugs

      Liked by 3 people

      1. You have done amazingly well Rhapsody! To be patient without the diagnosis is very hard because when you think of your Mom having a ‘sound mind,’ it is more difficult to explain away the hurtful episodes, like her not wanting you to have your new bed after all. Your Mom will not have remembered her promise to give it to you. Likewise, you might go in to see her everyday, but she will forget, thinking the time since your last visit much longer. You may find yourself accused of abandoning her to no care, or of being selfish. You will also find that she always wants to go home (very common). This is no reflection on anything you do… It happens regardless. I think you will be able to cope really well now that you understand the behaviour. Hugs and strength to you dear! 💖💖

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I thought so too Colette but the last two days have caught up with me a bit. I think it’s normal as I need to process everything, what it means, what needs to happen and how things might be. I’m more prepared and then I’m not. I just need a little time. It’s a lot right now. I feel alone in dealing with this and I just need a moment. Thank you for shining your light upon me. Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I will need to face this (or a form of it) soon. I can feel the shock and relief you had when you saw the license. Shock for the reading and relief when you saw a reasonable answer. It makes a ton of sense. Answers are always a help.

    One of my friends here in AK said when their mom got ill with dementia, they found she was nicer to everyone (she had major issues and the kids would run and hide if mom was in a mood–one story shared was at a birthday party in a hotel. The cake wasn’t right and the mom THREW it across the room!). Dementia changed her to kindness. Poleaxed her kids–

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I have actually seen kind moments full of innocence and purity within mom since I got here. I thought it was due to her lowering her wall and finally letting me in. I might know the real reading now.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The sadness is, what she is saying to you about you, this was her truth. She left you behind emotionally, and she’d have been different if her husband had not died. It really doesn’t matter now. Don’t remember this all your life, Rhapsody, don’t ever poison yourself by owning another’s truth, even if it’s one she can never own herself. Take it in your mind, convert it into a white dove with a wave of your two swords, and let it fly free for both of you, repeating every time it appears. Love and Faith kill fear and denial, hurt and anger. You are freed from personalising this now you know it’s not coming from your mom, really.
    You had to get that info off paperwork this far in? I don’t understand why a doctor hasn’t ever sat down and explained it to you, as her next of kin? Don’t they think it’s important you should know your mom’s got dementia and talk to you about what that means? I am speechless, nearly (you know me, never completely speechless).
    Please take some time to gather information and resources about dementia to support you, the professionals are updating best practice all the time. Look for specialist support organisations. In the UK, we have Admiral Nurses, they specialise in supporting family members of dementia sufferers and they are amazing. You need to be in possession of the right understanding and information to survive the sticks and arrows that may (or may not – thanks Kris) come with dementia, to separate what is mom from what is not mom. I think the two swords, Love and Faith, have just become even more important. It is the love you present to your mom that will help you and her the most, especially when she’s not her best self, maintaining an attitude of love whilst holding faith in your heart, reflecting love back to her, will help calm her, whereas reflecting distress or anxiety back will only make things worse. There is nobody more naturally skilled and tooled-up for this than you, Rhapsody. You amaze me and continue to amaze me even more with each day. You are always in my heart and my support is always with you, my love. x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Amanda, you just know. You always do and I find myself nodding and comforted in the most personal of ways when I read your words. A lot of things would be different if Dad was here and I thought the same. I might have physically left her behind many years ago and she hs paid me back by leaving me emotionally behind. I know it’s not on purpose but it still is.
      I’m backtracking now to get some answers. Who has diagnosed her, when and how progressed. What is to be expected in the near future etc. Doctors here are sworn to confidentiality as is everywhere else. Me living in the US surely didn’t help and I was out of reach although I am next of kin.
      Although I know Moms behavior is not personal towards me anymore, I feel as if I’m never be able to make her understand her condition and circumstances. She wants to go home every time I see her. How do I make her understand that she can’t without thinking that I am behind it all as to why she can’t come home. I struggle with it and it feels like being alone with it. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s why you need advice from a dementia specialist, maybe you don’t tell her now. It may just distress her and then she’ll forget and you’ll have to tell her again, and again…. Maybe you just have to ride out the points where she remembers home, which may come less often, time is different for her. I don’t know, but getting specialist advice before you act is my advice here. I did 2 days training once with the Dementia nurses, it was inspiring. The focus is helping the person remain calm and at peace, not distressing her, so the same rules don’t apply anymore. Does doctors’ confidentiality still apply with dementia? I have power of attorney for my mum for both financial and medical matters? It’s not just because she’s at the care place that she cannot go home, she cannot go home because she’s ill and needs daily medical support, so just tell her that as the reason, it’s true. Please find some specific dementia support, carers support group, something where you don’t need to struggle and you don’t feel alone. People have already been through this, been where you are now, they are out there and happy to tell you their story and how they coped and what they did in a similar situation, you just have to find them on the internet and get in touch. Talk to me anytime, I am always here for you. In love, x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you my beautiful soul sister. You always have the best advice and I’m taking things day by day as I adjust to everything. I will find out what support I can access, online or in person and find my way somehow. Love, always xo

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  4. I think you have to remember that the person she once was is gone…It’s not really her that is talking to you anymore, so there is no need to listen to the negativity. You’re amazing though, you’re such a warrior to still take care of her despite the things she says to you! It must be really difficult and I know lots of kids who wouldn’t give a hoot if their parent was in this situation. Go you! And remember to focus on yourself too sometimes!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Jess, I think it’s more getting used to it vs. remembering it. I just found out a few days ago, so I’m trying hard to understand and grasp her and my new reality. I am unable to say “Ok that’s it, back to business as usual” and it does weigh on me until I can adjust. I do feel alone during this phase and I think few understand. Just yesterday I was reminded that I must accept the facts, that dementia can’t be healed and that I must move one before I hurt myself. All I can say is that it is a process that is different for everybody and perhaps not be understood until you actually are faced with having to do the same.
      I thank you for your kind words and I agree that most kids might have turned their back a long time ago in selfish motives. I can’t just yet. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  5. What inspired you to come to the States? She obviously never understood your need to leave. But dementia surely makes it easy to understand why she is still fighting even though you are standing right in front of her. Sending hugs to you, my friend. 🤗 🤗 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

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