I got to see Mom at the hospital on Thursday and Friday. She was still a bit difficult on the first day, and many of the old accusations were thrown my way as far as leaving her behind and if Dad was alive I’d be different and so on. I heard it so many times, I’ll remember it for the rest of my live.
Mom’s handicap identification card came in the mail. It list her handicap percentage and has multiple symbols/abbreviations on it that I will need to look up to fully understand. What I fully understood were the reasons as to why her license was granted.
- Dementia and behavioral issues
- Trouble in both knees/legs, open wounds and amputated toes
I knew right away from reading it, especially the first reason that it explained a lot about Mom’s recent behavior. How she could fight with me and ten minutes later talk as if nothing had happened. It simply didn’t happen in her mind and she was sweet as pie while leaving you sit there to chew at the junks she had just thrown your way. The paperwork that came along with her license explained a lot. I had my answer. Dementia…
Today was better and she smiled that smile while talking with a soft voice. One of the first things she said to me, was that she had a operation ahead of her, in the afternoon. She didn’t fully know for what and the only thing she said was that her foot was very bloody today as the doctor looked at it. How she thought everything was ok and all of a sudden she needed a other operation. She seemed strong, but I could sense her worry. Later on I found out that there are a few pieces of bone that need to be removed. Apparently they poke, causing the foot to bleed, unable to heal. I stayed with her until they came to take her to surgery. She let me hold her hand and even squeezed it back. All I could do is look at her and see this sweet, caring lady while remembering the monster that was lying silent right now, but which had a side to itself that was terrible and painful to observe. Not that I want to call Mom a monster, but when fear mixes with deep seated pain, dementia and a loss of understanding, it is monstrous and sad to watch. Downright helpless, and you have to learn to recognize that behavior is often due to illness. I did so before I knew that Mom had dementia and this is merely confirmation of what I felt. I though she was bi polar.
I don’t know how long she has had the dementia, but it further confirms that Mom can never be by herself anymore. I just don’t know how I will ever make her understand this. In her eyes I will continue to be that horrible child that abandoned her and left her behind.